FenwayFaithful

So we spend so much time, energy, effort (or at least I did) focusing on our addicts behavior, feelings, use etc that when they're out of our lives it feels very very empty. So empty that it's really really really painful. I know part of that is because I miss the companionship and the "love" that wasn't really love...but still it was something that was apart of my life for 2 years a close friend for much longer. And now it's gone. The rug has been pulled out from under me.

So my question is how do you fill that hole? What do you do so you don't feel so empty? How do you start to connect with other people again?

When I go out I find myself just wanting to go home to him and cuddle and talk and laugh... it seems like being around people actually makes it worse. He was my best friend. Despite everything. He was the most important person in my life (which I know is codie behavior) so yeah now what?

Right now I'm faking it till I make it but what do you guy do when you're feeling really down and miss them?

Fandy

I think you may be fantasizing and romantising.
Why dont you make a realistoc HONEST list
of what you thought and wanted
and what he actually came through for you?
Put it in a drawer and look at it every week.... when you are clear and sober.

FenwayFaithful

I understand what you're saying.

But I miss the companionship. Having someone to tell about little things that happen, and a part of me liked to focus on his problems and try and help him, it's sick but true.

Listing all the reasons I'm better off without him, all the things he did to me etc doesn't make that void go away you know?

Fandy

There wasnt honesty in the relationship from what youve posted previously
i think your void would disappear if you are honest with yourself and love who YOU are.
Why think you can never be happy with another person?
You are worth a lot more than the man who constantly lied to you and chose drugs over you.

FenwayFaithful

Yeah you're right. My issue is with my own self-esteem. I know I need to work on that instead of jumping into another relationship because it's so painful for me to be alone. Every relationship I've been in had been abusive and codependent. I probably do need to work on loving myself and treating myself better

Fandy

You're much smarter for it. But only YOU can stop the cycle.
You really deserve BETTER.
Why settle for some selfish jerk?
Let someone in who is normal and will treat you with respect
You dont want to be the leftovers and drugs/booze be the main course.
All that high drama for what?
He chose drugs first and you second.
tomorrow, do something you like, something you know makes you feel good!

lightseeker

Hi Fenway.....

I know what you are saying and understand. I think that one of the things that I've struggled to grasp is that there were good times..... Sometimes I wonder how I can "miss" someone that was so horrible to me. The fact is that it wasn't bad 24/7. I left due to the "bad" but I also have to grieve the good.

Like you - I miss someone being there. Maybe it was a fantasy or an illusion... but there was a connection. It's taken me awhile to begin to rebuild my life and find friends and activities that I enjoy doing. I think that it's normal......normal for anytime that a relationship ends. I am good friends with 2 women going through divorces. Neither of them want to be with their exes any longer....but they do miss the concept of marriage and the assurance of growing old with someone.

The "hole" is something that I've learned that I need to fill from the inside. I get it that my self esteem definitely needs some work. I know that I don't want to find another person to fill up the vacant places in my life. I believe that I'll be ready for someone to be in my life when I am happy and content with it just being me. It's a lot better but I know that I am still not ready for someone else ....yet....

You know what I do when I am sad and I miss him? I come here and find someone that is needing a friend. I post and it really helps a whole lot. I go to a meeting - that helps a whole lot too. Sometimes I just get my dog and go for a walk at the park.

It just takes time....it really does. Remember, short term pain for long term gain.

EJG123

Being alone is great opportunity to rediscover yourself. You don't have to consider someone else's preferences or restrictins; you can do what you want to do. You can indulge interests that maybe you could not when you had to consider another person.

Also, it is a good chance to re-evaluate you sense of self-worth. I was once in a relationship where the other person was so needy that I felt as if I was always to blame for having expectations. I felt like I had to constantly apologize for impinging on his time and not being understanding/suppotive enough. I did not even realize that I had become so beaten down until after we broke up. It dawned on me when an old friend asked me why I was apologizing for something dumb. It was a great feeling to be around a person who respected and valued me for a change. Addicts have a way of eroding a codependant's sense of self-worth. Don't forget that you deserve a good relationship and are worth it.

As for filling the hole, it is easier for me if I just let it happen rather than focus on it. After time, you'll get used to the new rhythms of your life. When I was newly broken up, I'd work, shop, watch a movie, call a friend, and get back into my neglected hobbies.

mv6348

Thank you!!

cangel2

Pardon me for saying this but it seems like you feel being stuck by yourself, supporting yourself, being strong an independent is like a second best scenario......Try making a shift in your thinking and putting all of these things first!!!! Anything else that follow....good stuff and second best....ok!

outtolunch

I am a huge advocate of volunteerism. It's a great way to learn something new and meet new people.

As for the inside stuff, have you considered seeking some professional help to reframe this past relationship and create boundaries going forward. Could it hurt?

First we have to love ourselves ........

zoso77

In my case, I didn't feel especially empty in hindsight. What I was was badly hurt and betrayed, and the deal I had to make with myself was to face it head on. Sitting with those feelings was not pleasant. But I was also very, very relieved that my AXGF was gone. There was no going back considering what she did -- infidelity on a large scale and her gleeful admittance of it -- and this was a chance to make a break. The first couple weeks were pretty painful.

Going to work wasn't fun. But the reason why it was so important was it got me out of the house and it got me around other people -- my colleagues are greater than great. Those first couple weeks weren't particularly productive, but I've regained my footing.

And then, there was my band. The comradery amongst the five of us is very special, and being with them served two purposes for me. The first one was being one of the guys and not acting my age for a few hours each week. But the other one was meeting my responsibilities as a guitarist and a harmony vocalist and being held accountable for learning what I had to learn.

You mention connecting with other people. In my case, it was reconnecting with those who loved me and saw that an addict and Borderline Personality was bringing me down. In their own way, they were hurt too, and I had to listen to their frustrations and anger. Which, I did, and in the case of my best friend, he now says that he knows I was giving my AXGF the benefit of the doubt by trying to be a pillar of support.

I got into the habit of thanking God for those in my life who've stood by me and care for me. Yeah, I took one in the teeth, but I still had so much to be thankful for.

You're going to have to sit with your feelings. You can't avoid it. What I can tell you is when you come out the other side of it, you're going to be stronger. Please make a list of who and what you're grateful for. When we're really low, it's hard to think of anything. But if you practice doing it every day, it literally changes your brain chemistry.
If you're going through hell, it's best to keep moving. Don't stop. Acknowledge your hurt, acknowledge your feelings, and keeping pressing forward...even if you don't want to.

Be Safe,
ZoSo

lost0311

My husband just got out of rehab....my family is greatful that we are not living together now and have done everything but chain me to the house to keep it that way. My husband & I are poison to each other, but I miss the companionship as well. I miss the good times. Though I am starting to realize were not REAL, but tools he used to get what he wanted. However, I saw the good in him. He has a heart a big heart that is worped by many years of addiction and abuse. The void of his absence is unbareable at times. Especially now that he is in active recovery and wants nothing to do with me in fear that we will argue. So here I am at SR cuz what else can we do. One day at a time...You didnt cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it. Let go & let God.

FenwayFaithful

I have been in therapy on and off. I know it is something I need to start again. I’ve been diagnosed with depression more then once and Anorexia many many years ago. I was put on Zoloft but I was drinking HEAVILY at the time. I was showing up to therapy appointments drunk. My therapist took me off ofthe Zoloft because she said it was dangerous when I was drinking so heavily and it wasn’t helping since the alcohol cancels out the effects of an anti-depressant. This was actually back when I first joined SR, so 2009.

I’ve struggled with depression, low self-esteem, codependency and and eating disorder relapses for several years. It has been years since I’ve had a relapse with my ED but I can fee the grips of one starting now. It happens when things in my life feel very out of control. I’ve actually been falling back into some bad habits

Whenever I’d argue with my EXABF or point out concerns I have he’d turn it back around on me and issues I have and my recent weight loss and calorie obsession was always his first resort.

Someone said something about volunteering...My job helps a bit. I work with trouble girls/women in a group home. That has helped me find a better outlet in my need to take care of people. I am also close with the minister at my Church and volunteer there when I can.

FandyL
I feel like I can’t do any better sometimes. Like I found a guy who loved me, and who I loved too and who when he wasn’t using (and even when he was and was feeling guilty) he treated me like a princess. Sometimes I feel like it was my EXABF or no one. I see things in very black or white. You’re with someone or you’re completely alone and I find it difficult to see myself with other people. But you’re right I knew all the drama and chaos and using wasn’t worth it but in my ehad it’s like well it’s better then being alone forever! Or maybe it isn't IDK but those little moment those "fixes" that helped me feel for just a little while that he loved me was what a small hit for a heroin addict must be like. And it's those "hits" that I'll miss. Am I making any sense?

LightSeeker:
I’m glad someone understand what I’m going through. That I am mourning the good time we had. The man I fell in love with. Drugs kill the person you love. It wasn’t bad all the time. Even after he started using we had some good times. Some moments when he almost seemed like that guy I fell in love with. It’s how I imagine drugs feel to an addict. I’d try so desperately for just a moment when things felt good between us. When I got it, I held onto it for dear life. And I think I am romantizisizing, holding onto these moments. But how can I not. This was a many who was apart of my life for 2 years. He supported me, gave me companionship etc… but posting here does help and I know I need to work on myself. You’ve also convinced me yet again that I need to convince my land lord to allow pets!

(Everyone else I am going to reply directly to you in a bit I’m getting tired of typing but thank you al for your replies!)