Jeni26

I've spent the afternoon with my parents and younger brother. This is usually a time of great stress and anxiety for me.
I live in the past, forever trapped in those feelings of helplessness and powerlessness I felt when growing up. Frightened by my alcoholic Father's violent rages, wanting and failing to protect the others. Stifled by my own inability to make him love me or even notice me.
Today though, I looked at him through an adults eyes for the first time. I wasn't scared. I wasn't anxious.
All I felt was sadness. He is so ill. He has had cancer of the mouth due to drinking and smoking. He has has had major reconstructive surgery and is disfigured. He continues to drink and smoke.
He is a shadow of that man I used to see as a child.
What a waste. Why couldn't he have seen what he had, what he has now? There are people around him who continue to love him despite the past.
I no longer want to run and hide, I want to build bridges, I want him to step away from that dark cloud of alcoholism. I wish I could make him see what real love is before it is too late.
What a waste.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your father Jeni - and for the sadness that been bought to your family.
I'm thrilled for you tho and the positivity I hear in this post - it's awesome

D

Sasha4

Hi Jen

I have seen situations and people through different eyes too.
Sometimes they were situations I cared about and people too. Sometimes people I really did not care for.

I don't know I think it can provoke all sorts of feelings - intense sadness, regret, shame.....all sorts of things.

I am pleased for you that you no longer have fear, but I also want to say just take care of yourself at this time. These feelings can take a little bit of getting used to. Least they did for me.

xxxx

Anna

Jeni, I will gently and lovingly suggest that your Dad's life is not a waste at all. He is on 'his' journey. It makes sense to him, as your journey makes sense to you. I believe that we each have things to learn in our lifetime and your Dad's choices don't make sense to you, but this is the path he chose. I'm sorry that you have been saddened by your father's choices. I was very saddened by the choices my mother made in her life and I will never understand them, but I do feel that she followed the path she was meant to follow.

Jeni26

Anna, I really don't understand that at all...I'm lying here awake in the middle of the night trying to make sense of it all. I'm getting the AA perspective that it isn't what I want that I should be praying for, it is all part of a bigger plan and what's meant to be.
God knows I'm trying so hard with getting my head round this, but I'm not wanting it for me. I'm wanting it for him. He should be able to live some time experiencing joy.
Oh I should never try and analyse stuff at this hour. It weighs so heavy on me.

Sapling

We can't change other people Jeni....We can only change how we react to them...I have a brother heading the direction your father is taking....All I can do is pray for him and not drink today. There really isn't much more I can do. I'm powerless over that.

Jeni26

I know. I accept it isn't my choice to make, but what if my actions could make a difference? Isn't that what were supposed to do? Reach out to the still suffering alcoholic?
Honestly i feel like my heart is breaking.

Anna

Jeni, I think it's about faith.

It doesn't make sense to you and you wish for him to find some joy in life. But, that's not your Dad's path. I think faith can help you to deal with something that seems wrong to you. One thing I learned from Eckhart Tolle and Marianne Williams is to not label things as good or bad. They just are. Try to not judge and to believe that things are working out as they should. The Universe knows what its doing.

Jeni26

Oh I'm trying. But this is so hard, he was surrounded by his 4 grandchildren today, my 2 and my brothers 2. Lovely kids all of them. They love their grandad. They do not have fear in their hearts. I just want him to experience the joy they could bring him.
I guess my faith is being tested. I cannot get this.

Sapling

Maybe they can...That's why you keep doing what you are doing. I can lead by example for my brother...Maybe he'll give it a try.

Jeni26

Leading by example just doesn't seem enough.
This plan of Gods or the Universe, or whoever is running the show. It sucks sometimes. Not for me, but for him. My Dad. Who has got it all laid out for him and just can't see it.

Sapling

Can't go wrong with this....

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems
today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some
person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life
—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until
I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being
exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world
by mistake.


Source.... Acceptance not in the main text

Anna

Jeni, it seems that you are fighting against what IS, and that is bound to cause you pain. "Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Work with it, not against it. Accept -- then act." --Eckhart Tolle, 'The Power of Now'.

Jeni26

Those words are important to me. Nothing in God's world happens by mistake...
I just don't like this part of the plan. Not at all. I HAVE to accept it. But I sure as hell don't want to. And if he could just spend one moment looking at what he has around him, if he could truly see it, if he could experience the love that is being showered on him, that has surely got to be a better way for God to spend his time.
I've accepted so much so far. Chalked up my life's experiences and measured that no matter how tough they were, they've helped make me the person I am today. And given me a depth and wisdom that will help me face things and help others.
But this is WRONG!!!
I'm sorry God, you've just plain got this wrong.

blueshades

I'm sorry to read of this burden, Jeni.

I wish I felt the same way on this point, but I do not. I think some things in life are simply not knowable or understandable.

Again, my sympathies.

Jeni26

I hate feeling like this. Is this what I got sober for? To feel pain and despair and heartbreak?
It's now gone 3 in the morning. I'm doing my pacing round the house routine again.
How is it possible to just sit by and watch people suffer?
I'm so upset. I want it to be different.

Hollyanne

Hi Jeni, It is very late!
I just want to say, I know how you feel!!!!
Good God! What is wrong with them!?
I will say though, that you don't know what is going on in his head.
He may very well be very aware of all the love and grandchildren and all that.
If he wakes up too much, he has to think about it ALL.
Do you think it would be good for him, feelings-wise to think too hard at this point about his life and (ahem), how he has lived.

Think of where he is at. Not a lot of time to undo/re-do all the things he has done.
That has got to be a tough one. So, maybe just assume that he is in denial, which may not be the worst thing, FOR HIM.
Big hug to you.
Anne

HitRockBottom70

Jeni,
We all have the ability to change and we all have the ability to influence our surroundings. Sometimes it takes time, something which is in short supply I know. You don't need to accept it until it is no longer an option. Not one of us in this world knows if it is an option or not. Hope and dreams are a beautiful thing, hold onto a glimmer of hope for him to see some light before it is taken from him. Who knows, maybe he saw some of it today with you and your family there with him.

Jeni26

Yeah, maybe. He certainly has a lot to regret. But he also has so very much to live for, to enjoy.
No-one should die without having felt love should they? Especially when it's just there, within the grasp of his hand...
Oh this hurts.

blueshades

I'm sorry you're going through this. I guess it's part of living in the light, that the light might illuminate the dark corners that we didn't/couldn't see when we were numbing ourselves with drugs or drink. It's not always easy, but it's real.

Take good care.