Abstinent but not Sober
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3
Abstinent but not Sober
Hello All-
This is my first post. While I am proud to say that I have been abstinent from drugs and alcohol for over 6 years, I have recently come to realize that abstinence and sobriety are not the same thing.
I dipped my toe into recovery during the first 6-9 months of my abstinence, got a sponsor, worked a few steps, and then started having panic attacks on the way to meetings. I rationalized that since I was in therapy and now able to stay clean on my own, that working a program was not essential to my recovery. I stopped going to meetings and abandoned the program. I went back to trying to manage my life in the same ways as before, albeit without the assistance of drugs and alcohol to alter my reality and control my emotions.
The term "Dry Drunk" would seem to describe me to a tee. I am rigid and inflexible. I am obsessed with control. Perfectionistic. Self-seeking and self-obsessed. Fearful. Insecure. Angry. Entitled. Isolated. Competitive. Anxious. My life feels like one interminable power struggle and I am exhausted.
I am finally ready to admit that my way isn't working. My life is unmanageable. I am not sure what exactly I am powerless over (reality? my ego? everything?), but I am ready to admit my powerlessness and surrender to a higher power. I need to embrace humility and find sanity. I need fellowship.
So now what? Where do I belong in the 12-step world? Would it be appropriate for me to go to an AA meeting? Is there another fellowship that would better suit me? Al-anon perhaps?
Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Many Thanks
This is my first post. While I am proud to say that I have been abstinent from drugs and alcohol for over 6 years, I have recently come to realize that abstinence and sobriety are not the same thing.
I dipped my toe into recovery during the first 6-9 months of my abstinence, got a sponsor, worked a few steps, and then started having panic attacks on the way to meetings. I rationalized that since I was in therapy and now able to stay clean on my own, that working a program was not essential to my recovery. I stopped going to meetings and abandoned the program. I went back to trying to manage my life in the same ways as before, albeit without the assistance of drugs and alcohol to alter my reality and control my emotions.
The term "Dry Drunk" would seem to describe me to a tee. I am rigid and inflexible. I am obsessed with control. Perfectionistic. Self-seeking and self-obsessed. Fearful. Insecure. Angry. Entitled. Isolated. Competitive. Anxious. My life feels like one interminable power struggle and I am exhausted.
I am finally ready to admit that my way isn't working. My life is unmanageable. I am not sure what exactly I am powerless over (reality? my ego? everything?), but I am ready to admit my powerlessness and surrender to a higher power. I need to embrace humility and find sanity. I need fellowship.
So now what? Where do I belong in the 12-step world? Would it be appropriate for me to go to an AA meeting? Is there another fellowship that would better suit me? Al-anon perhaps?
Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Many Thanks
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
I know what you mean. It says in How It Works that "no one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles, we are not Saints"
I find the Promises of AA to come true as promised in the Big Book as I go along in AA.
All the best.
Bob R
I find the Promises of AA to come true as promised in the Big Book as I go along in AA.
All the best.
Bob R
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
There is a school of thought that teaches that abstinence is an end in itself and is its own reward. You seem to know this through the knowledge you gained through therapy by being secure in your sobriety for 6 years. Well Done.
You seem to want to define yourself through AA ideas now and this baffles me. You are not powerless over alcohol in the least, so why would you want to do this?
Lots of sober folks like you go to church. I do too.
You seem to want to define yourself through AA ideas now and this baffles me. You are not powerless over alcohol in the least, so why would you want to do this?
I am not sure what exactly I am powerless over (reality? my ego? everything?), but I am ready to admit my powerlessness and surrender to a higher power. I need to embrace humility and find sanity. I need fellowship.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by surrender21 
The term "Dry Drunk" would seem to describe me to a tee. I am rigid and inflexible. I am obsessed with control. Perfectionistic. Self-seeking and self-obsessed. Fearful. Insecure. Angry. Entitled. Isolated. Competitive. Anxious. My life feels like one interminable power struggle and I am exhausted.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Hi & welcome Surrender 
From my experience, getting sober is one thing...being happy and content about it is often another.
From the language you're using, it certainly sounds like AA might be the right fit and way forward for you - good luck!
D
From my experience, getting sober is one thing...being happy and content about it is often another.
From the language you're using, it certainly sounds like AA might be the right fit and way forward for you - good luck!
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
I am into my second year of sobriety and am just beginning to realize what an amazing program AA really is. What you described is so relevant to all of us.
I have nearly finished reading The Spirituality of Imperfection by Ernest Kurtz.
The last chapters are really giving me insight into that ego driven maniac that I can be.
I think you have made an important discovery about yourself.
caiHong
I have nearly finished reading The Spirituality of Imperfection by Ernest Kurtz.
The last chapters are really giving me insight into that ego driven maniac that I can be.
I think you have made an important discovery about yourself.
caiHong
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
I think it all comes down to what are issues are. If your issue was just drinking too much, or just being addicted to alcohol, and when you quit life was fine, than I understand your reluctance to go back to AA.
But from the language you use, the issues you raise, well, I think that goes to the heart of what Alcoholics Anonymous is all about. It is about the steps.
There are two parts to Step 1 -- the part following the dash "-- that our lives had become unmanageable," is the part that keeps me going back to AA after two years.
I know many take issue with the "dry drunk" philosophy, but it describes me perfectly.
It's a spiritual program. Six years of being abstinent does not necessarily deliver a content life. It removes some of the fight, but it doesn't bring serenity.
I've said it before: If you get sober and can look in the mirror and like what you see, you've got it made. If you look in mirror and don't like the face there, go to a meeting.
It is all about selfishness and judging others and being restless, irritable and discontent. I need more than sobriety. I need more than just not drinking or drugging. I need a design for living.
But from the language you use, the issues you raise, well, I think that goes to the heart of what Alcoholics Anonymous is all about. It is about the steps.
There are two parts to Step 1 -- the part following the dash "-- that our lives had become unmanageable," is the part that keeps me going back to AA after two years.
I know many take issue with the "dry drunk" philosophy, but it describes me perfectly.
It's a spiritual program. Six years of being abstinent does not necessarily deliver a content life. It removes some of the fight, but it doesn't bring serenity.
I've said it before: If you get sober and can look in the mirror and like what you see, you've got it made. If you look in mirror and don't like the face there, go to a meeting.
It is all about selfishness and judging others and being restless, irritable and discontent. I need more than sobriety. I need more than just not drinking or drugging. I need a design for living.
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