Salacia

Hi all,

A quick bit about me: I'm recently sober, ex-binge drinker, red wine was my sauce, I drank b/c I was bored or really happy, I would quit drinking alcohol for periods of time in the past for nutritional and healthy "detoxes", I have long suspected I was an alky and always acknowledged I had a drinking problem, I decided to completely give it up after a really bad hangover coupled with scary brain scan images of alcoholics... What else can I add to that run-on/improper sentence? Oh, yeah... Alcoholism runs in my family on both sides, in my parents' families.

Okay, so here's my question. How do you make new sober friends? I'm social (and I love to go out at night) and while I'm cool playing all by myself in the sandbox, I want to hangout with others as well. My really close friend of almost 20 years doesn't like the fact that I stopped drinking (not that I drank a lot in public, moreso the fact that she didn't want to be the only one drinking). She scheduled a girls night out (with several of her other friends and me), but she booked it on a booze cruise. When I told her that I wouldn't go, she got all pissy about it and picked a fight with me. So, while I still consider her a close friend, I need to distance myself from her until I cultivate a strong recovery/ed base.

Until then, I would like to make new, sober friends that like to hang out and do stuff together. Like a sober social activity club. Any ideas?

blueshades

I am interested in others' answers to this as well. While I am starting to make a few new friends in a church that I joined this spring, the challenge remains meeting like-minded people that are closer to my age.

You may want to think about this in terms of what you enjoy doing for fun. For example, I'd love to meet some new people that enjoy walking, hiking, getting out in nature, etc. I'm thinking about getting involved with a local group of geocachers to meet that desire.

SeekSobriety

Hello Salacia,

Thanks so much for your post.
Your certainly were courageous by telling your friend you would not be attending the "Booze cruise" party. Your story sounds similar to mine in many ways, when I first gave up drinking. Protecting our sobriety is so crucial. Many people become threatened by us not drinking, perhaps they do not want to believe that perhaps they might have a issue that they are not ready to address yet themselves with drugs or alcohol.

Finding sober friends was easy once I started finding cool AA meetings to attend. There are so many different meetings, usually the young peoples meetings or the Saturday night meetings, has a strong more active social sober partying scene

Also a really cool place to really meet lots of fun sober people is the ICYPAA - Home

There are so many sober people around who love to party, I hope you find them soon!

All the best to you!

Sapling

Getting sober was all about change for me....Everything...And that meant who I hung around with. Changing who I drank with...with people that were doing the same thing I wanted to do was a simple choice for me...Like SeekSobriety...I found my new sober friends in AA....Met some damn good people....That don't drink...And don't want me to drink. Kind of hard to go wrong with that.

MsAprilJ

Thanks for this post, Salacia! I really identify with your experience as well. I am in the very early stages of sobriety and am still fearful that I am doomed to become a hermit who will NEVER have fun again! Logically I know this isn't true because I know people who have been sober for years who have wonderful, fulfilling lives.... I just never got how they could have fun and be so happy without social lubricant! I am looking forward to discovering new things about myself and exploring new ways to have fun and be social. I think, in time, it will come. I too have yet to test the waters in a social situation where I will be confronted with alcohol and people drinking. We were going to see a concert tonight but I opted out. I hope that I will reach the point where I can go out and enjoy night life and parties again. Who knows, maybe I will get there and think to myself... Why did I waste so much time here?

Salacia

Hi everyone, I'm gonna bump this thread. It got buried on page 2. Ill write more later-I'm on a class break right now. Thanks!

Salacia

Thanks for the replies! I did try to bump this thread earlier today, but Saturday seems to be a hot day on this forum.

@blueshades: too bad reading isn't exactly social! Well, there are book clubs, but the ones I've been to before happen to enjoy drinking just as much as discussing books (which would be fine if the ppl drinking and discussing made any sense). I am now considering joining an adult kickball or soccer league. That might be a lot of fun.

@seeksobriety: thanks! It was so dang hard to turn down any activity dealing with a boat. I love anything on the water. You know, I really don't like the threatened part. I'm not being judgey at all, I don't make.negative comments about drinking because I'm the one that has the problem. I just wish that it didn't have to be that way. Oh, and I'm also gonna start scouting out new meetings for people of a similar age and interests. Its still kind of awkward though; it's so similar to dating. There should be guidelines for going out with a new friend for the first time, or at least something about how to ask someone if they want to hangout without seeming like an eager puppy. Lol.

@sapling: roger that. I just have to find the place where I belong.

@msaprilj: have you ever been the dd for your friends when you all go out together? Omg! It was sooo annoying to be the sober one. I never quite understood the conversations going on, or people would be shouting in a relatively quiet area, or people would be falling all over the place by tripping on their heels/hemlines/sidewalk cracks/air. I don't really find it all too much fun if I'm not right along with them. Maybe there's something to be said for that...

hypochondriac

I don't have the answer to this Salacia... all I know is that I worked damn hard on cultivating a drinking network! I made sure I had plenty of friends who drank just like me (ever notice how big drinkers seek one another out at parties) and even my job... I swear the reason I got my job was down to my drinking abilities. I made sure that there were people in my life who I could drink around without being made to feel judged (even then I would have to watch myself) and shunned anyone who didn't like a drink.

So I reckon I can't change all of that overnight. The people I work with and my drinking friends will take a while to accept I have changed. That is going to take a lot of time! Some of them I now try and meet up with for coffee during the day for short periods of time and just limit the social drinking meets for now. Work is a major problem, but they can't make me drink. They can accept me sober or sack me I am just as sociable sober so there is nothing to complain about.

So I'm thinking the way to make sober friends is the same way I made drunk ones... seek out the sober person at the party (I did this at a wedding recently, bonding with the one other teetotaller in the room!). Just don't purposefully hang out with drunk people I guess it'll take time like everything else x

spryte

I joined things that I enjoyed, just to occupy my time, and I ended up making friends.

Things from when I was growing up and had forgotten I enjoyed - dancing? Why not.

Maybe think about a hobby you'd like to try - no matter how strange it seems! - and just go do it.

There's a whole world full of sober people out there! We are in the minority, although we forget.

Pigtails

Hi there and welcome! I can relate to your question. I was sober for 7.5 months and the hardest part for me was that allllll my friends, most of my family members, and my boyfriend, all really like to drink. Often I went out with them and just didn't drink while they did. Well, that was frustrating for me and wasn't very fun.

After a month and a half foray into drinking again, I am back to day 4 of not drinking and I've decided that this time I'm not going to just "go along" with what other people want to do it if involves something I'm uncomfortable with, which includes tempting myself and/or being annoyed by being the only sober person sitting at a bar stool with friends who are just getting sloshed. I will turn down invitations to events that solely revolve around alcohol, and if I'm invited to something that sounds fun but also involves alcohol (ex., ball game, barbeque, even game nights or movie-watching nights-- my friends seem to find any excuse to drink, and so do I when I'm drinking!!), I will make a plan and have my own transportation (yay for being able to drive home sober any time I want!!!), and I will leave whenever I feel like going home and dong something I consider to be truly fun or productive (going to the gym, reading, taking a bath, doing my nails, whatever!) as opposed to just "grinning and bearing" my way through everyone else getting drunk when that is no longer the life I want to have. I am really trying to be true to myself and do what I think is best for myself without worrying about everyone else!

I also plan to invite my friends to things *I* like doing-- ex., runs, hikes, picnics in the park, lunch, dinner or coffee without alcohol, movies, game nights, make them dinner at my house etc. In the beginning I am just going to explain to them that I'm not drinking and it's rather hard for me right now so we need to just do things together without alcohol around. Eventually I hope to be able to do things that have alcohol there without feeling the need to drink, but, I will just wait and see how I feel before doing that. I already have to be around/turn down alcohol all the time around my boyfriend, so, there is some practice for me but I don't see the need to go out and do things involving alcohol before I'm ready.

As far as making new friends, this is also a goal of mine -- to find positive influences who share the same interests and goals as I do, and who can inspire me to be my best rather than my worst! I've been involved for years in a writing group and I plan to re-unite my friendships with people in the group and do things that don't involve drinking with them, so we can talk about books and writing and things that I truly enjoy. I also like to run so I've been thinking of joining a running group! My boyfriend and I have been discussing volunteering in a group setting such as working at soup kitchens or with Habitat for Humanity etc. And I'm also in a career field that has young professionals and I plan to invite them to do non-drinking things so that I can become friends with people on my same "level" in terms of education and career accomplishments and goals. In the past I've been to AA and while I am not sure I want to go back (I'm looking into secular recovery methods at this time), I did meet some people who don't drink of course, and I'm wondering whether they would want to hang out and be friends with me even if I'm not doing the AA program. And, while I'm not religious I have been to a Unitarian Universalist church and would like to check out some other liberal/progressive/ non-literal "churches" or even buddhist/meditation groups... so I can meet people with similar life views and values as myself without necessarily doing the whole "God/Jesus thing" that I know doesn't work for me.

Finally, I am trying to talk to my family more, even though they live far away, and do more things with my boyfriend's mom who does live near me and doesn't drink.

I think for me I fell in with a crowd who drinks and it is "easy" to have drinking friends-- whoever wants to go out and drink, okay I'm in, and so are they, but does that really mean we have real connections/interests or that they are good for me or really care about me? I've decided to work on good friendships (which are hard for me-- I'm shy and for some reason it's hard for me to emotionally connect with people), and avoid people who aren't real friends or who just want to use me or drink with me.

Good luck to you in this goal... I think it's a good one. I hope I've helped with some suggestions... I'm trying to do this myself so I'm no expert.

ACT10Npack

Try meetup.com. Its a good place to meet people with same interest.

Salacia

@hypochondriac: I never thought of it that way! I'm going to start playing spot the sober person, if and when I go out with my old friends.

@spryte: are you sure we're the minority? Hahaa. Totally doesn't seem that way. But who am I to try remembering events and people from previous exploits? you know what I would really like to try? Rock climbing. Maybe I'll head over to rei later and see if they have groups.

@pigtails: whoa. A lot of that sounds like me. I did go to a UU church (one that was more Buddhist centered than anything), but the confregation is out for the summer and won't be back until the fall. Hey, congrats on the 7.5 months. That's quite an accomplishment. And, congrats on giving it back up again. Did you fall right back into drinking at the same level you were at before? Would you say that part of the reason you started drinking the sauce again was because you didn't change your old habits and/or make new ones?

@act10npack: have you had much success with meetup?

fgo

Meetup.com is a great idea.. i am involved with several groups. ther is a group for almost anything.

blueshades

UU is the church that I joined this year, pigtails. It is a great approach to humanity that I recommend. I still do not see myself as especially religious, certainly not Christian, but UUs literally welcome all people. That is the only kind of church I want to be involved with!