Have No Idea Whether She Is Dead Or Alive.

Old 08-10-2012, 05:02 PM
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Have No Idea Whether She Is Dead Or Alive.

My AGF was fired from her job on Sunday due to her alcoholism, and has been drinking ever since.
She is in AA and had 3 weeks sobriety prior to that. Which is the longest she had ever maintained her sobriety.
Yesterday we went swimming. We were having a good time. She looks up at me from the pool and says I am having a really good time. Minutes later she is at the bottom of the pool. She comes up for air then goes down again. I thought she was just swimming underwater. She then comes up again and says "I don't want to live anymore." Then goes down again. I jump into the water and pull her back up. She keeps struggling with me telling me to just let her kill herself. I hold onto her and get her out of the pool. As soon as I let go back into the pool she went. And back I went in after her. She finally settled down and we head back to my house.
When we get back to my house I tell her that she can not spend the night if she is going to continue to drink. She says that if I will not let her drink then she is going to go home. I tell her that she is in no condition to drive. So let me drive her home. She says let me stay and drink or I drive home. I tell her that I am powerless to what she does away from me. But in front of me she cannot drink. And away she sped.
She called me early in the morning and let me know that she made it home all right.
She tells me that she really does want to get her life together. She just needs me to help her with the rent to get her started.
I told her that she needs to do three things for me to consider it. Go back to AA meetings. Go into detox if she cant get sober. And let her family know what is going on. They live out of state and have know idea the extent of her alcoholism.
She declined all three. Saying that she needs to know that her rent is taken care of before she can start to think about the other things. So I said you are not getting any money from me.
Of which she replied "I can't believe you would abandon me like this. You say you love me. I just want to die!"
She then hung up. And I have not talked to her since.
I have been going to Al-Anon for the last year. It has been a life saver in so many ways. I have made many calls today. And will go to a meeting tonight.
I know that not paying her rent is the right thing to do. I know that I must allow her to hit rock bottom. I know that if she is determined to kill herself there is nothing that I can do.
But knowing all of these things does not make it any less painfull.
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Old 08-10-2012, 05:06 PM
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Your name is exactly how I felt reading your post.

My God, how very painful and horrible.

I wish I had words of comfort, only that we care about you and we are here.

I hope you keep getting to meetings and keep posting.

You are in my thoughts Katie
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Old 08-10-2012, 05:17 PM
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I am so sorry. I can feel your frustration and hopelessness. You know what you need to do.....

You cannot love them better. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this. It is common for those with advanced alcoholism to say they don't want to live anymore. But you don't have the tools to deal with these feelings of hers. It is not your job. She needs help. SHE needs to be the one to get it.

I was in your shoes in May. I left our home, worked on my serenity. He died in July. It breaks my heart every day. But, it was his choice. I paid the house payment, all the bills, even offered to pay for 50k worth of rehab. Made no difference.

Focus on YOU. Take care of you...just for today. If you are open to it, find an alanon meeting. Read all you can. You are loved and cared for here.
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Old 08-10-2012, 05:20 PM
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I am glad you are going to Al-Anon, using your phone list, and coming here.

You are right, knowing you are powerless and dealing with such a situation is very tough. I am sorry for what you are going through. All I can guarantee is that if you keep working your program and recovery, in time you will heal. You do not deserve the guilt that comes with dealing with such a self destructive person. In turn, I do not believe she deserves what she puts herself through.

I wish you healing, hope, and relief,

Lily
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Old 08-10-2012, 05:32 PM
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I also know the insanity of loving an alcoholic who mentioned suicide. I had to accept that it might happen and that there was absolutely nothing that I could do to stop it. It's been years and now we are divorced and he did not commit suicide but still drinks.

This place and AlAnon helped me regain my sanity.
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Old 08-10-2012, 05:43 PM
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I am sorry you are suffering. I pray you will stay strong and get to meetings, if those help you . . .and take REALLY good care of yourself . . .pray for her that she will find the healing she needs, if you pray, and maybe visualize her well . . .
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Old 08-10-2012, 06:21 PM
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My heart goes out to you, So Exhausted. What a terrible difficult complicated emotional place to be in. You are doing what you need do; you are doing what you can do for your AGF. But I understand that is little solace when what she is choosing to do is so threatening and scary.

I am so sorry. Hang in there, keep coming here and talking to people just as often as you need to. Find as much support as you can -you deserve it.

BothSidesNow
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Old 08-10-2012, 08:38 PM
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Peace to you.
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Old 08-10-2012, 10:33 PM
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She has no intention of killing herself. She's playing the suicide card.
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Old 08-10-2012, 11:41 PM
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I am so sorry that you are going thru all of this too! I have been there with my XABF! I am ashamed to say that I paid his rent about 5 months a year for the last 2 years. Oh along with electric, water, food....in addition to paying my own! I also paid for rehab which that part I still do not regret. We are no longer together but I can't tell you the number of times that he needed my support, my help to clean up, my love....sadly or pathetically I believed him each time and I thought surely this is bottom....surely this is it! Nope! I finally had to get out! It makes me sad and mad! Nothing I did changed or helped anything. The one thing that gets me today is if I had not done all this, maybe he would be better today. He is 40 years old and rarely functions in the real world. The moment I quit doing for him and lived w the boundaries I set.....he was done with me! I just wished I had let him fall for both of us! Take care of yourself! I feel for you and I know how painful it is for you. Try to stay strong!
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Old 08-11-2012, 07:17 AM
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paying her rent would have done nothing to insure her sobriety. Good that you did not fall for the bogus rationalization. Stay strong with your program.

She will have to find her own recovery. You have no control over that.

dandylion
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Old 08-11-2012, 08:58 PM
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Interesting Choublak that you say she had no intension of killing herself.
Later when I thought about it, she kept going to the bottom of the pool that I was sitting right beside. There was no way that I was going to let her die.
Now as much as might hate to say it, could this be the ultimate manipulation of my feelings?
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Old 08-11-2012, 09:09 PM
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Hang in there brother, you are not alone...if at all possible, try to envision another future and move on. There is no end to this madness, which can span decades and truly change you. Be selfish. Maybe even, RUN.
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Old 08-11-2012, 09:33 PM
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Originally Posted by soexhausted View Post
Interesting Choublak that you say she had no intension of killing herself.
Later when I thought about it, she kept going to the bottom of the pool that I was sitting right beside. There was no way that I was going to let her die.
Now as much as might hate to say it, could this be the ultimate manipulation of my feelings?
Could be? It is.

I have zero experience with true, "legit" suicide, but way more experience than I care to have with playing the "I'm going to kill myself" game.

Suicide is something 100% internal, meaning that if someone really does commit suicide, it's never because of the actions of someone else. People who say crap like "if you don't do X I'm going to kill myself" are just being manipulative.

This girl is swimming underwater, comes to the surface just to tell you she doesn't want to live anymore, and then swims back down to the bottom of the pool. WTF? If that's not some kind of desperate cry for attention, I don't know what is. Later on, you tell her what you will not do, and she says she wants to die. She plays the suicide card whenever she doesn't get her way.

If you feel you don't want to let her die, call the police and have them handle it. That's their job.
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Old 08-12-2012, 09:52 AM
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((soexhausted)) - I do have experience with suicidal thoughts being legit as well as being manipulation (I actually pulled the "then I'll just kill myself" card when I was using).

IMO, if anyone tells me they want to kill themselves, I'd call 911. Many people here have done it and the A usually gets tired of having the cops called on them. If they're just manipulating, no harm done. If they're serious, you've called people who are qualified to do something about it.

I'm sorry you had to go through all of this, but I know, for me, I finally hit MY bottom with my A. It was going through stuff like you did one time too many.

Do something special for YOU, give yourself credit that you are aware of what happened and all you did was give her a ride.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 08-12-2012, 09:59 AM
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The staged drama, the threat to kill herself, the accusations of abandonment, the calculated play for money....

she is certainly alcoholic, but you may also want to read up on Borderline Personality Disorder. The more severe cases can look like this.
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Old 08-12-2012, 10:20 AM
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Before I got sober and remained that way, I put many through the ringer; particularly my family and ex-boyfriend. I threatened to hurt myself, begged for them to pay my electricity and rent, and gave every reason under the sun why I couldnt do it, except for the real reason I wouldnt do it. I kicked, screamed, etc. until I was finally given the gift of desperation. Having no ac in Arizona in August, nowhere to live, no money for booze, left me jittery and scared to the point I checked myself in to a detox. As angry as I was at the people who "abandoned" me, I have long since realized loved me enough to help save my life. I thank you for your post because it keeps things up front for me. Stick to your guns; I know its hard.
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Old 08-12-2012, 10:32 AM
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
She has no intention of killing herself. She's playing the suicide card.
I am not saying it is okay to do this but I did something once when my recovering alcoholic threatened suicide (for like the 5th time) I said "fine - go ahead" NOW I DO NOT recommend this - I am just sharing what *I* did because I had strong indications (based on previous patterns and instinct) it was just attention seeking behavior and manipulating/distracting on his part. When I did that his face DROPPED. His whole stance changed. I asked him "is that what you REALLY want"? He said NO and since then has never threatened to take his own life ever again. I told him point blank that kind of cr*p is not gonna work here so stop and never threaten that again. I told him I was not ever going to fall for that again. Once more, I want to clarify this is MY experiences and what *I* did might not be the right thing for others to do. I just wanted to relate my story pertaining to the "suicide card" I get it. It's real. People threaten like that and it's powerful manipulation. However, if you feel the intentions are true and there *IS* the possibility they may follow through on their threats then call 911.
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Old 08-12-2012, 10:14 PM
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A quick update:
She has been sober the last two days. Which unfortunately has not meant much in the past.
We were watching a movie where someone saved another person's life. I said to her; so when I jumped into the pool and pulled you out, did I save your life?
She smiled and said no.
I took that as then you really were not trying to kill yourself.
You just need rent.
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Old 08-12-2012, 10:38 PM
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Originally Posted by soexhausted View Post
A quick update:
She has been sober the last two days. Which unfortunately has not meant much in the past.
We were watching a movie where someone saved another person's life. I said to her; so when I jumped into the pool and pulled you out, did I save your life?
She smiled and said no.
I took that as then you really were not trying to kill yourself.
You just need rent.
This kind of reminds me of when my dad came out to the house my mom and I were in at like 1 or 2 in the morning and started saying he wanted to kill himself, he wanted to drive his car off a cliff (which, no cliffs in this geographic area) so my mom called the police. The police picked him up and put him under 24-hour suicide watch. Oh he was so mad, ranting and raving "I can't believe they put me under suicide watch!" Well you said you were going to commit suicide, what the f did you think was going to happen?
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