scacra1

Just a post to release some of my emotions with people who understand!
so, ive posted before, my partner is an AH, tends to be just a weekend thing though.
so hes home from work at 4:30pm, so i wait with baited breath.. when will the first mention be?... 5pm, hes going to the shop for some wine. i point out that starting so early may result in drinking more, and getting drunker. Good point he says, and he waits. although at this point hes not drinking neither of us are truly relaxed, were both just waiting, delaying the inevitable.
7.30pm, and hes just opened his first bottle. First drink since last weekend. lets see what happens from here...
i wait.. but have vowed for it not to bother me.. i will get on with my thing and see.
ill post further updates as the weekend transpires!

stepsforward

Good Luck!!! Take a deep breath and go do something YOU want to do - it helps.

scacra1

Thanks folks.
It may be that he drinks 2 bottles of wine, doesn't get drunk, we have a nice evening and that's that!... on the other hand, it may be completely different.
more often that not he is great, but as you guys know.. its unpredictable and this isnt always the case.

just for your info... and am in the process of making the decision whether to leave or not.. just taking a while as im new to all of this and still have misplaced hope!!

CentralOhioDad

Umm, I would think that after 2 bottles of wine he would be technically drunk, at least his BAC would be above any reasonable level.

Just saying.

I hope and pray you have a nice evening.

SoaringSpirits

Ugh. I remember that Friday anxiety with my AH so well (we are now separated). I'd wake up Friday morning and while everyone else was saying "TGIF!" I'd be anticipating a weekend of all-day steady drinking and dreading Saturday and Sunday. AH would also come home from his office "pre primed" on Friday evening and would always be more confrontational on Friday evenings. It was no way to live.

Finally figured out that the only control I had was over ME. Staying home to 'babysit' AH and try to monitor the drinking was futile. So I tried to keep the weekends busy, made lots of plans to take the kids places, and generally tried to leave my AH on his own. Amazingly, he shifted blame for our marriage failure back onto me, saying "you were ALWAYS gone on weekends, you were never around..."

Whatever! So glad to have a peaceful home again.

scacra1

Oh dear oh dear, im just fooling myself right?

SoaringSpirits

You are just emerging from denial.
It's what we all have to do in order to see the problem clearly and make plans accordingly.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

Acknowledging this lack of power (and it was hard) really shifted my thinking and freed me up so much. Absolutely NOTHING you can do for him. EVERYTHING you can do for yourself! Doing for yourself ultimately serves him better. It's up to him to change his life, give him the dignity of that.

scacra1

Thanks.. im am just trying to learn to focus on me and not manage his whole alcoholic issue, its taking some doing but im trying, really trying.
In the mean time he is trying to manage his alcohol situation... in a bid for us both to be in denial about what's really going on.
silly reallly.

scacra1

So.. last night was fine, drank 1.5 bottles of wine, stayed sober and was a pleasure.
Tonight,,, however, he seemed to get drunk quite easy, we ha spent the day chatting to which he finally admitted he has a problem, hes been for help before to the doctors, counselling and hypnotherapy, none of them worked so hence the reason why he feels so helpless and reluctant now.
I told him i dont know if i can handle the situation and will need to have a think, he said he was sorry and just doesnt want to hurt me.
Tonight, he seemed to get drunk quicker, so by 10pm he was slightly merry...he then pushed a tray of cookies in my face (for a silly joke) i got angry (annoyed with him being drunk) and pushed them out of his hand.. then he stood there telling me that if i didnt get out of his face i would regret it as he was angry.. and wouldn't hurt me but wanted to hurt himself... he stood staring angrily at me and trying to manipulate me me and scare me slightly... all because he is scared for us now.... shame eh?!
so now we have come up to bed and he has fallen asleep,, thank god that alcoholics fall asleep so much, its such a relief at times...
Just typing to clear my mind before sleep. im hurt and stressed by him.
i know i am not being true to myself,, i deserve more.

EnglishGarden

He probably has alcohol hidden all over the house. When he seems to get drunk "quicker" it is likely he has been drinking earlier in the day from his hidden stash.

Yes, you are very hurt and very stressed, as you say. You want him to stop, you want him to control his drinking, but he is an alcoholic.

It is very very hard on the spouse to be isolated with the alcoholic during weekends as you are describing. It gives him more control over you, it makes you less able to make good choices because of extreme stress, and you become someone other than your true self as you try to dodge your way around his mood swings, his irritability and his threats. You cannot be so detached as to not be upset by living this way. Detachment does not mean we shut down. It means we stop trying to fix the alcoholic. We get out of the way.

If you are unwilling to separate and live apart from him, then I suggest you consider spending weekends with a friend or a family member. Draw a boundary. You can choose not to be in the home when he is drinking, whether he is pleasant or is abusive. You can leave at 5:00 on Friday night and return Monday for dinner.

When you stay and put up with his drinking, you are helping him keep things just the way he wants them: he gets to drink and bully you to keep the marriage on his terms.

Do you have a counselor? An Al-Anon group? You need outside help. Because he will be in complete control of you otherwise.

And you need to arrange for a safe place to go when he is drinking.

scacra1

Hi,

Thanks for your helpful post. i don't think he did have alcohol hidden all over the house, just because i got that good and becoming the beer police there is no way he can get away with it... (i know that this is not good and i am trying to break this!!)
im not unwilling to separate from him, i am however not ready yet so still in the initial shall i or shan't i phase...
your advice is good, about getting away from the house, although i dont really have anywhere to go and i don't want people to know what's going on right now, so it may be that i tell him if he wants to get drunk he has to take himself somewhere else to do this so at least i can be at peace in my own home.
Your post also made me realise that i don't have a support network other than this forum, i need to get some. i always thought alcoholism is about the alcoholic (affecting them) and not affecting us innocent by-standers, but now i see this differently. Im just not sure where to go for some counselling, maybe my doctors? im alos probably classic co-dependant so need some advice on that.

thank you very much for your kind advice.

scacra1

Anvilhead:

You're right. i know. I'm just struggling with it all right now. In my defence (or excuse!)i did only realise he was an alcoholic for sure a few weeks back so im still digesting it. I always was suspicious but to have it confirmed is something else.

Recover53

you're learning, that's great, and this forum is great, but going to a meeting and listening to others dealing with insanity right now changes every thing. Please, find a meeting and go ASAP.