Beetle53

Okay- I slept horribly again. Nightmares, WOW! I'll share briefly- I was in the woods, just walking along. Then I heard someone screaming my name, hysterical sounding. It was my sister (but not really her..as dreams go, ya know?) She was frantic- telling me how they'd been searching for me for so long, asking where I was. They needed me and they were terrified and desperate. They were trying to get away from something that was very dangerous, but couldn't leave until they found me- it was frantic. I woke up so upset. I'm still pretty haunted by this today...

Yesterday evening was difficult. I had some very intense cravings. Thank goodness for my husband. He was there for me with big hugs, telling me that I can do this. We each made a list of things that make us happy. It's a suggestion from a book we're reading together. After we made our lists- he sat with me and went through the whole thing, highlighting how each item is affected by drinking or being hungover. It was REALLY powerful to do that together, especially before the weekend. I can't tell you how emotional I am right now writing this.

I'm not sure why. In part it's just deep deep gratitude for my marriage. In part it's due to the worry and anxiety of not wanting to waste my life and also, in appreciation for that life- in spite of how I really have abused it.

I watched a parent drink themselves to their grave. They were literally found mostly dead- in a ditch... on the side of the road. I watched the woman that raised me as a teen when I left home (volunteer mom), drink herself to death. I lived in a house of drug addicts and dealers after that, still a teen... Then I moved to the city with no highschool diploma and ended up working in the adult industry for 5 years, where I saw SO much bad, including a friend- a drug addict, die of aids. Then I had to get out- I moved far away and it took some time and treatment to finally stop relapsing and effing up really bad, I did tons of therapy and turned my life around, got a real job and stayed sober for 2 years. When I finally started drinking again (no drugs) four years ago... I really had changed. And I vowed to never go back there...

I didn't go back- not totally... I have a business, and true friends, a great relationship. But to be having this hard of a time just getting the alcohol out of my system.. going through the nightmares and insomnia; all of the physical issues that come along... I just can't believe I let it get bad enough to be having these kinds of side effects, AGAIN!

When my dog died 8 months ago- I really let it fly. It was one more painful experience in a long line of painful experiences, and he was the bright spot that came along when I got sober the first time... He really was my therapy dog. But I pushed all of my issues and all of my pain into this relationship with this wonderfu animal who would only love me and never hurt me- so as long as he was okay, I was okay. And when I held him as he died, it just fu**ing CRUSHED me. I thought "okay, life is pain and I don't want out- but I just don't want to feel it anymore." I just couldn't get my inner light to come back on, and I tried so hard to just put on a happy face and move forward. Enter 8 months of work booze work booze work booze. Then all of that just snuck up on me and I knew I couldn't keep doing it.

Nothing crumbled.. nothing fell apart.. from the outside looking in- my life is wonderful! But on the inside- not so much. It hurts to feel all of this, but I am so happy to FEEL. The cloud is evaporating and I'm relly looking at my life. My life has been a hard hard road, and you know what? I am so proud of myself- even with ALL of the mistakes! Because I am strong!! Even with ALL of the bad, I have managed to find love, I have reconnected with my family and mended SO many fences, I've done so much personal work to overcome - in what some ways were just the cards I was dealt, and in other ways was just straight up what I did to myself. Back when I was really off the deep end- I wasn't even a person. I was just pain.

So eventhough I'm dissapointed that I'm going through this again, and eventhough I have truly improved SO very much- in a way, I'm glad this happened because I have more work to do! I went through so much and "succeeded"- but I still never learned to truly take care of myself or really love myself. Taking care of and loving my dog is what made me okay. Losing him and crumbling is what woke me up- And recognizing that is a gift, that I am extremely grateful for. So here's to the gift of another day, where I can focus on being well and nurturing myself, and learn to love myself- bumps and all!

Sorry guys- but I had to get all that out! This has been cathartic to say the least.. THANK YOU!!!

LoriG

Thank you for sharing. That is alot of tough stuff to go through. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery. Stay Strong!

MrsKing

That's an excellent activity - I'd never thought of that, but it's true - most things that make me or my husband happy are ruined by being hungover or drunk.

It sounds as though you've been through a great deal, and I'm sorry that so many terrible things have happened to you and those you love. But I am so glad that you are proud of yourself - you should be. I'm happy that you have a supportive husband and that you're in a strong marriage. I understand you when you say "I wasn't even a person. I was just pain" because I was like that not long ago, too. It's an awful place to be.

And I agree wholeheartedly... all of that love and care you gave to your dog - it's time for you to have all that now.

Thanks for sharing and congratulations on 5 days. You sound very strong, and I know that you can do this. All the best to you x

gincognito

It's a great word for it, cathartic