BooBo0

I just joined... and I'll be honest i was surprised by the quality and content in some responses (to both me and others) it hurt.

Then i read "why people respond the way they do" and i find myself in tears.

I came here to gain knowledge...gain support.. to "live in harmony" with my addict if he so chooses to go back.

Seeing the response...and my emotions that surface BECAUSE of them....has me thinking...

Maybe I'm not ready for this.

lesliej

BooBoo...what are you not ready for? This is your life, open your mind, heart and spirit...learn what you need to learn. Seek acceptance about your reality. This is YOUR life, any comments, suggestions, questions, advice, stories you read here come from someone else's life. The collective represents some commonality in people who come here. But it is still YOUR life. What are you not ready for?

tjp613

And maybe you are not! That's OK! This whole "loving an addict THING" is not for sissies, that's for sure. (Not that you're a sissy!) I just mean that when you have had enough, if and when you have grown exhausted by your efforts to "save" them, you might see things at SR a bit differently. We'll be here...and in the meantime, we wish you nothing but the best. (((Hugs)))

BooBo0

I read the other thread and it describes me to a T.....

Every aspect.

I'm in denial i think...

The common denominator here is everyone saying to leave...I'm not ready for that. Maybe the reality is i truly believe hell change yet maybe I'm just in denial as to how bad it probably will get before its better...

BooBo0

Maybe "not ready" to stop fricken enabling

tjp613

It's a process, BooBo0! Sometimes a very long and painful process, sometimes not. If/When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving, you will be ready. And that day may never come! The thing is that YOU get to decide how you want your life to play out. Unfortunately, you can't do the same for him. He gets to decide, too.

incitingsilence

He is not YOUR addict…
Not Yours at all as a possession.

And that fear will keep you trapped.

So many come to places like this to seek help for the ones they love who are addicts, to hopefully find in time they are the ones that need the help, and NOW!

You are running the show, your show. This will be as simple or as complicated as you make it and that will be because of who you are having nothing much to do with the addict in your life.

And you will either sink or swim depending on what you are or aren’t willing to do for yourself.

It is very simple, yet we all seem to take the hardest and most painful and most complicated road possible, even after being advised by those who have been there done that.

The best and really the only thing in the moment that you need to do is work on you. That is where you will find all your answers, as they won’t come from him whether he uses or not. This is where you make sense of your life, what you need and what you never wish to live with. And it has nothing to do with staying or leaving, you don’t get magically well and have everything be all perfect leaving … how could it when it is as much an inside job for those who watch, as it is for those who use.

Note addiction is a progressive disease … codependency follows right along with that. Either we get help or we go down with them to stubborn to accept they are addicts, that they have every right to live as they choose and in a refusal to just let it go, let it be as it was never ours to begin with. We really have no one to blame for where we went and where we end up but ourselves.

Thlayli

Is it possible that the one's who say "leave" just stick in your memory more? Or maybe they stand out because no one advises the opposite (i.e., to stay)?

I agree with tjp's post about it being a process. I'm pretty sure that Al-anon advocates something similar...no big changes for the first year.

crazybabie

When people suggest you leave it is because they know things you will likely experience if you stay they have gone down that path and don't want you to have too, with that being said reality is most of us have to take that path our self until we can't take it anymore.

No one, judges you for staying if anyone had said for me to leave my AH a year ago I would not have left I would have kept what they said in mind because I know I need to hear things I am not ready for.

I am now separated from my AH after 31 years together it is defiantly a process.

Keep in mind any choices are YOURS to make not ours reality is this, is now your life and the longer you put off on facing and dealing with reality the harder it will be but sooner or later some choices will have to be made even choices like reading a book, or going too meetings you don't have to decide today if you want to stay or go.

One Day at a Time

BooBo0

maybe your right... I've come to realize i can yell and scream and say he's being a big fat jerk :p but SECONDsomeone says he's being a big fat jerk my antennas stand straight up and and i defend him to the bone. Enabling? Denial? Who knows...

hello-kitty

Yes. Don't you have a new baby? Be the very best parent you can be. Be the example of the life you want your child to live. Everything else will fall into place in its own sweet time.

Worry never changed anything.

I think, somewhere deep down inside you know the truth.

Al-anon can help. It can give you the tools and education you need to keep the focus on you and yourself, should boyfriend get out of prison and start using again.

This is the time for you to prepare yourself for the future you want for you and your children.

He's going to do what he's going to do. Should he choose to make bad choices when he gets out, you can be prepared for that. Or not. It's up to you.

BooBo0

You're right anvil. Its just hard. I fear waiting 2 more years just to experience the same....guess i need major help with step one huh???

Forced sobriety (prison) is still sobriety....right?

I'm thinking of going to my first na meeting Monday... he's been cleanlike 7 months now...why didn't i go to meetings sooner?

He begged me to go with him....i declined cause i thought he needs to attend... he just wanted my support....i shoulda just went...

Theres the guilt again. Aw hell i need help! Lol

BooBo0

Hello kitty. Thank you....that was very supportive.

BooBo0

Yes anvil that's the exact reason i told him.

BooBo0

That's exactly why i was reluctant and said right??? Yeah it obviously didn't go so well...I've known him for like 9 or 10 years total.

crazybabie

I hope he really has 7 months clean my oldest son is in prison and he is using there how you may wonder the prisons have drugs just like everywhere else.
I hope you do decide to attend meetings you have nothing too lose and everything too gain.

BooBo0

Yes crazie its unbelievably disgusting to think about the abundance of drugs within a correctional setting. Lucky for me he gets randomly tested. Also you have to have something in order to obtain it, and well he barely has anything.

washbe2

Just thinking of you and pray you find peace in your life. You take care!

FindingErica

I was aware of my husband's use for a year and it never even occurred to me to seek a forum or an NA group. I wasn't even aware that I was enabling. Sometimes it made me mad and we would fight, then often times I would smooth things over so life wouldn't be so tense. I downplayed his use because at the time the stuff he was using was legal. I dreamed of leaving him but was too scared. I blamed myself and put an elaborate plan into place to "alleviate his stress and financial tension.". Instead his use escalated until he wasn't even functioning enough to maintain a job and I was backed into a corner with my three kids. It has been VERY hard for me to understand that he wasn't unique, to see the abuse and the manipulation. In fact I have such a hard time I have actually posted things he texted me to get perspective. This is not a suddenly everything is fixed situation, this I a process. This is where you are at in your process. A lot of the advice I got here from people who'd have years of experience has literally saved me and my kids from destitution, possible homelessness and further abuse. And yes it was at times hard to hear and difficult to understand. In the end, some of the most frank and direct members have become my favorites.

There are members here who have stayed with their addict. I think the majority advise leaving because they have seen firsthand escalating addict behaviors becoming violent and criminal, which has put those closest to them in physical danger, severe emotional distress and has cost them money or valuables. Often when children are involved the concern for their safety increases.