SheWanders

What caused me to buy a six pack? The temper tantrums of four kids? Nope. The difficult day I had at work? Nope. The fight with my ex over his relentless selfish actions? Nope. The fact that both of my parents are dead? Nope. My constant worries over money? Nope.

My AV. Plain and simple. She tricked me but good tonight.

Am I giving up? Nope.

Meeting tomorrow night. Here I come. No pity parties. No long explanations as to why. I know why. I am an alcoholic and I need to face that fact with the same strength that got me thru 4 pregnancies and births, the same strength that allowed me to become a fairly decent adult despite my dad dying when I was nine, the same strength that got me through watching my mother die of a brain tumor. That strength.

I slipped up. I am admitting it. But I WILL NOT allow it to be an excuse to fall backwards into the abyss of never ending hangovers and anxiety. I cannot. It's not an option any longer.

sugarbear1

Have you made a commitment to stay stopped?

You have to fully commit to that. The rest can be worked on.

Keep reading about the program you are working and work that to the best of your ability.

You can stay stopped if you want to badly enough. I know you can do this!

Hugs & love,

liv1ce

Good for you. Get back up on the horse and ride!

SheWanders

Thanks SB. I realized tonight that part of me was still hanging onto the fantasy of becoming a 'normal drinker'. Obviously that's BS. I am attending a meeting tomorrow night to check out their program. I have to find a place to lay this and put trust in some sort of method outside of will power. It's a journey. If I allow myself to take an 'eff it' attitude this time I will he screwed. I read somewhere that sober time is not lost. I have spent more days sober than not this month and that's progress. It's not perfect, but it's better. Thanks for the support.

artsoul

You go girl!
It's truly baffling how convincing our AV can be, probably because we listened to it for so long! I had to remind myself I was an alcoholic 20 times a day at first. That's why I love this place - it's open 24/7!

SheWanders

Thanks AS. It helps to hear that you had to tell yourself the same things. Yes, this place is wonderful. I worried at first about admitting my slip up but realized if I didn't come clean fast I would be slipping back into that secret place of hiding bottles and hangovers again. It's truly liberating to find a venue to spill the ugly guts of truth and receive support without judgement. I hope to find that face to face tomorrow night.

2granddaughters

I found sobriety in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It might be just the ticket for you as well.

All the best.

Bob R

SheWanders

I am checking it out tomorrow Bob. Worked for my grandfather. His name is Bob as well. Your posts comfort me as they remind me of him. Probably time to reach out to him and benefit from his wisdom while he's still here huh? Thanks for your support.

NoFireWater

I think getting out of the perfectionist mode is key for all of this. It's too easy to slip and feel like you've screwed it up for good and then go right back to drinking feeling like a failure. Instead, try to forgive yourself and start again. You can tap into that strength that has helped you throughout your life. More sober days than not is always a good thing.

MsAprilJ

Don't beat yourself up, SheWanders. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am a firm believer in progress... Not how many days you have sober. It sounds like overall, you are making progress with your big picture. As you get stronger, I believe you will give in to AV less and less. I have to believe that for myself too. I made it about two weeks, had a HUGE fail... And now I am barely eeking out day 3 AGAIN. We are human first. Give yourself credit for being here, for being willing to go to a meeting and check it out. I am thinking about checking one out tomorrow as well. I know it really does work for so many. Lots of love and support to you in your journey towards sobriety!!!

SheWanders

Thanks NFW. I suspect the perfectionist trap landed more than a few of us here. Your words help me.

@MsAprilJ: Let's both attend meetings and compare notes tomorrow. I could use a first time meeting buddy. Wish we could go together. Deal?

MsAprilJ

Deal!

betterforthem

Im new to this and didnt realize how much I was dependant on every coping mechanism

SheWanders

Yay! Accountability....will be good for both of us :-). Thanks lady!

SheWanders

Yeah, tell me about it. It's rough but if you read through other peoples' posts who have actual time under their belts you'll see that this thing can be beat. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.