rosecity2012

It'll be a matter of days before I go dry again. This'll be my third attempt, and I'm scared of failing. I've already told a handful of my dearest friends. They are supportive and wonderful. They make me feel accountable without having to do anything except have the knowledge that I am trying again. But they're willing to support me in any way, anyhow... humbled doesn't even begin to describe what I feel about their support.

I'm here because I am still terrified. I don't want to disappoint them, and I don't want to disappoint myself. My last time around, I blamed my alcohol counselors and AA for my failure. I told myself, "That counselor was way out of bounds when she said blah-blah-blah" or "That person who shared at the meeting tonight... I'm not like them! I have a great job and an awesome house and lots of friends! What am I doing here?!" I also blamed the pink cloud. Made me think I had my stuff together, that I didn't have a problem, and that I could be just as happy having maybe a beer here and there just as well as not. Now I KNOW I can't just have a beer here and there. I have to have ALL the beers. Then go to the store and buy more, and have ALL of those, too.

It took until I started feeling suicidal a few nights ago to really pop the red flag up in my mind. I am not the kind of person who thinks about killing herself, and I've officially scared myself into action. Called my doc's office to start scheduling treatment, and stayed with a loving friend who's been here, done that. It helps to have that support even though I'm not yet sober.

The difference today is this: my alcohol habits scare the bejesus out of me. That's all that matters. As I'm typing, I'm on my fifth beer out of my usual daily nine, pushing ten. And I still have social obligations to fulfill tonight. I've known for ages this is wrong, and I'm tired of feeling like absolute crap about it. Nobody knows I do this on my own every day after work (except a select few who've always known and not said anything to me. Mostly long-term friends who knew me before I drank). I doubt most of the people I've met in the last four years know the sober me. They're about to.

Please pray for me on my journey. I want to get past this. I want my life back. I want my self back. And I do NOT want to remain too afraid to start.

sissy07

rosecity,

Welcome to SR! Well, the first step is knowing you have a problem, and knowing that you can't drink moderately. Sounds like you have that down. It is great that you have supportive friends! When do you plan to stop drinking? Best wishes to you. Take care.

427

Hey, this is my first day. I down 1/2 bottles of tequila :/ Support means the world. We'll do it together.

Anna

Welcome Rosecity,

I'm glad you talked to your dr and have a plan to stop drinking. We do understand how hard this is.

rosecity2012

I plan to stop drinking after my addiction assessment. Scheduling that tomorrow.

Dragged my feet because my alcoholic brain isn't ready to give it up. Trying to give the alcoholic brain the finger right now is like screaming at the top of my lungs at a deaf person. I have to make all my calls on my lunch breaks at work because I don't trust myself to do it when I get home (a.k.a prime drinkin' time).

Even today, I thought (about my suicidal episode), "You weren't really going to DO anything, anyway. You had a bad day or something. You're fine. You're FINE. Just forget about it."

Sure, I feel fine now. But that doesn't negate what I felt a few nights ago. Calling the doc again in the morning. Eff this.

rosecity2012

Welcome! Congrats on your sobriety.
Stick with it, stick with it, stick with it.

You'll truly have a world of support here. Everybody here wants you to succeed, and you can.

Glad you commented.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Rosecity

It was helpful for me to realise my alcoholic brain was my brain too, y'know?
It's not running the show, I am.

It kinda turns things around to think of things that way, I think

D