departure

I meant to clean up last night but I was so tired I just couldn't manage it. You see, we had a big party last Saturday for my birthday and all the wreckage was still lined up next to the door waiting to be recycled. Vodka bottles. Beer bottles. Lots of wine bottles. The babysitter was scheduled to arrive this morning and I didn't want her to see it. There were still 2 open wine bottles in the fridge that I needed to dump out. It's embarrassing! All a testament to the drunk fest I had designed for my birthday celebration. What must she think? I suppose it doesn't matter but it's hard to overcome the desire for people to have a positive impression of you. Being a drunk drowning in alcohol is hardly the impression I want to make and not a person I want to be.

I dumped out the wine from the fridge. I knew it would be hard to resist it when I got home from work because my DH would still be at work and nobody but me would know. I took out only some of the bottles before heading off for work - two trips and there are still plenty left. Ugh. Still unopened bottles of beer in the fridge, plenty of wine still in our collection, and a pretty well stocked liquor cabinet.

Starting out on day 3. I feel like crap. Waking up every morning with headaches, pain and pressure from allergies. My back hurts and ibuprofen isn't helping. I feel like I am hung-over except without the depression and regret that drinking would also bring. I've been thinking about making a commitment for 30 days as a starting point and all of the events that will occur in that period. Feels like there is a devil on my shoulder hardly letting me finish my commitment to quitting thoughts. How about one glass of wine when we go to dinner to celebrate our anniversary? What about plans I made with a friend - she talked about a winery and some blueberry lavender cocktail she wanted to try out? What about my shift at the winery this weekend? I have no way out of that one, I have to show up because I can't get anyone to cover for me at this point. It feels like there is no way out of this war in my head unless I tell my DH and friends closest to me that I am not drinking.

Beetle53

Aww.. that sounds REALLY hard!! If you really don't think you can open up to your husband or your friends- maybe seek out a therapist to help you through this adjustment phase? Also, just my 10 cents and I am VERY recently sober myself- Whether or not you can get someone to cover your shift at the winery... I don't think you should go. You can call in sick! Technically, you aren't well enough to be in that environment if you really want to make it without drinking. I think you are in a really tough spot and I can't imagine how hard you must be trying!! I would really encourage you to find a therapist. Someone you can be totally honest with and bounce things off of. It could really help you get over this hump and start making choices that you're happier with. Hang in there!!!!

SSIL75

Have you checked out AVRT/Rational Recovery at all? This kind of thinking will drive you mad, IME.

Re: your shift. You can go to work and not drink. WWYD if you were pregnant, KWIM?

NoFireWater

I work in a bar 3-4 nights a week, and it can be done sober. You have to really be ready to talk that inner voice out of drinking though-temptation will definitely rear it's ugly head there. I've just made it a challenge. I tell people
"I'm trying to be good" and that seems to work on the peer pressure. If they persist I smile and say "that's very helpful, thank you" which stops them cold.

Maybe just tell your DH and friends you need a break from drinking. It doesn't have to be a major "I have a problem" type confession if that's too much for you. There will always be another occasion to drink, anniversary, lunch with friends, cookout, party, day that ends in Y...if you put off stopping due to these occasions you never will. If you have a drinking lifestyle there will never be a 30 day period free of "occasions" because drinkers live for those occasions and excuses to drink. Hell, we create the occasion ourselves if there aren't any.

It sounds like you're ready to make a change-have a little faith in yourself that you can

blueshades

depature, I really identified with the stress/guilt related to having those bottles lined up everywhere. I know the first couple of days are tough, at least they were difficult for me, mentally.

I've been holding that 30 day mark out there as my preliminary goal, too. Having gotten halfway there I can write that with focus and some self-care, life gets better.

Keep focusing on yourself, on your recovery. Interact with people here. Read about addiction and bone up on strategies for dealing with it.

Above all, hang in there and don't drink. You can do it!

SSIL75

btw someone mentioned I think in your post yesterday about 'diary of an alcoholic housewife' and I impulsively bought it for my kindle. I bet you could relate a lot. I know I can.

hypochondriac

Urgh, your post reminded me of the night time visits I used to make to the bins so that there was no evidence in the morning!

Why don't you want to tell your friends you're not drinking? You don't have to tell them the whole story..just 'I'm on a diet' will do. I told people I was giving up for lent and so far only one person has pointed out that that finished ages ago Most people will not really care whether we drink or not. I still get the occasional 'what, you're still not drinking?' but they will get over it. But you're right, I can't see how you can do it without telling them at least some made up excuse. You can't hang around drinking fake wine or something.

Well done on day three though x

Anna

I don't think that making up excuses (lying) about why you're not drinking is the way to go. I lied all the time when I was drinking and I knew I wasn't going to be able to recover unless I started being . That doesn't mean you have to spill your soul to your friends. A simple 'No, thanks', should be adequate.

I think what you're finding about your 30-day commitment is that it's going to take a big shift in your lifestyle and that's what recovery is about. Congratulations on Day 3.

departure

Thank you all for your help!

I checked out a sticky post - can't remember which forum it was on now, but here are some things that spoke to me about irrational thoughts:

Is there something inside of me that is preventing or keeping me from the necessary actions in this matter? YES!

Am I burdened by fear of what others think of me as I work on this problem? YES!

and finally...

I am worthy of a better life. YES!

I think I can go to my shift at the winery this weekend. I don't have to open and taste any wine - I can hand that responsibility off to one of my co-workers. I don't have to have a glass when work is done. Someone else didn't the other weekend citing diet reasons and nobody balked - well not for more than a moment.

I'm going to tell my DH about my 30-day commitment, he needs to know and will be pleased. Although I'm not sure if he will believe I can do it. Guess it will take day-by-day proof.

As for the visit with my friend, I don't think I will make a confession. I might just claim the diet thing - she knows I have changed my diet and alcohol is not supposed to be included. I'll just tell her that I'm abstaining because of it.

blueshades

It sounds like you're formulating a solid plan, departure. Don't worry about explaining yourself to people when it comes to not drinking. Our real friends don't need our explanations and we don't owe it to anyone.

Best wishes to you!