Powerless over alcohol
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Powerless over alcohol
Step One in Al-Anon, which is the same step in AA, reads: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."
So many of us here are unable to comprehend that the alcoholic has completely lost control of when he (or she) will drink, where he will drink, how much he will drink. Many of us continue to be shocked when the alcoholic drinks at the most astonishingly inappropriate times, when the alcoholic drinks then drives the children across town, when the alcoholic drinks even after a sincere promise not to ruin a beautiful occasion, when the alcoholic drinks even though his liver is enlarged and his esophagus is cancerous.
I think it might be helpful to some here to read a couple of chapters about alcoholism in the book, "Alcoholics Anonymous," what AA calls "the Big Book." These two chapters are all about the alcoholic's inability to stop drinking. The Big Book was written in 1939, but the experience of alcoholism is timeless, and the descriptions of the alcoholic life hold today.
It is best we always focus on our own issues as codependent friends and family members of alcoholics, so I do not suggest the reading of the Big Book as a strategy to sober up an alcoholic. There is no such strategy. For our own recovery, we must accept our powerlessness to control another person's alcoholism and its accompanying damage and devastation.
So, reading Chapter Two and Chapter Three in the Big Book may help some of us accept that we are powerless over alcohol.
You can find these chapters at Big Book Online Fourth Edition.
Here is a sample quote:
"They were not drinking to escape; they were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their mental control."
So many of us here are unable to comprehend that the alcoholic has completely lost control of when he (or she) will drink, where he will drink, how much he will drink. Many of us continue to be shocked when the alcoholic drinks at the most astonishingly inappropriate times, when the alcoholic drinks then drives the children across town, when the alcoholic drinks even after a sincere promise not to ruin a beautiful occasion, when the alcoholic drinks even though his liver is enlarged and his esophagus is cancerous.
I think it might be helpful to some here to read a couple of chapters about alcoholism in the book, "Alcoholics Anonymous," what AA calls "the Big Book." These two chapters are all about the alcoholic's inability to stop drinking. The Big Book was written in 1939, but the experience of alcoholism is timeless, and the descriptions of the alcoholic life hold today.
It is best we always focus on our own issues as codependent friends and family members of alcoholics, so I do not suggest the reading of the Big Book as a strategy to sober up an alcoholic. There is no such strategy. For our own recovery, we must accept our powerlessness to control another person's alcoholism and its accompanying damage and devastation.
So, reading Chapter Two and Chapter Three in the Big Book may help some of us accept that we are powerless over alcohol.
You can find these chapters at Big Book Online Fourth Edition.
Here is a sample quote:
"They were not drinking to escape; they were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their mental control."
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Thanks EG. I think the hardest thing for me to do was to accept that fact. I really went down kicking and screaming but once I truly believed it, then the healing began.
I still hope because that is my nature but I've finally accepted what you describe. Doing so allowed me the ability to let go and start on me. I never realized how liberating that would be.
Thank you again for all you have written. You have helped me more than you know.
I still hope because that is my nature but I've finally accepted what you describe. Doing so allowed me the ability to let go and start on me. I never realized how liberating that would be.
Thank you again for all you have written. You have helped me more than you know.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Thank you English Garden for posting this.
Something that has helped me the most to understand the powerlessness from the perspective of the alcoholic mind is reading the articles by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.
This has really enabled me to move from being crippled by my anger and resentment to one of loving compassion. It keeps me from being "mean", accusing, and revengeful in my actions.
It has lifted that burden from my heart. I feel more peaceful from within as a result. I can continue to love my A. (relative NOt spouse) even though I can't live with the alcoholism.
Those articles can be found on the web site: PsychiatryandWellness.com
dandylion
Something that has helped me the most to understand the powerlessness from the perspective of the alcoholic mind is reading the articles by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.
This has really enabled me to move from being crippled by my anger and resentment to one of loving compassion. It keeps me from being "mean", accusing, and revengeful in my actions.
It has lifted that burden from my heart. I feel more peaceful from within as a result. I can continue to love my A. (relative NOt spouse) even though I can't live with the alcoholism.
Those articles can be found on the web site: PsychiatryandWellness.com
dandylion
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I understand powerlessness over substances. Some call it substance "abuse" but IDK if I agree with that description or not. Because "abuse" implies that a person willfully and consciously misuses the substance. What I know about myself is my lifelong addiction to and fight against cigarettes is not abuse, not a habit, but a sickness, a compulsion, a crutch I cannot beat. What I know about my alcoholism is if I have just one tiny sip pass between my lips, it is as if a gaping, endless black hole in the center of my being opens up and must be filled. I am truly powerless over that feeling.
With others, I have accepted that I cannot control them or their decisions or their lives. I have to allow them to run their own lives. What I am responsible for is MY mind, MY body, MY choices, and especially MY environment. I must protect these things from not only alcohol and drugs, but from alcoholics and drug addicts. Because once I let them into my life, I lose control of my mind, body, choices, and environment. I don't know why this is.
With others, I have accepted that I cannot control them or their decisions or their lives. I have to allow them to run their own lives. What I am responsible for is MY mind, MY body, MY choices, and especially MY environment. I must protect these things from not only alcohol and drugs, but from alcoholics and drug addicts. Because once I let them into my life, I lose control of my mind, body, choices, and environment. I don't know why this is.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Originally Posted by Spes 
Thanks EG. I think the hardest thing for me to do was to accept that fact. I really went down kicking and screaming but once I truly believed it, then the healing began.
I still hope because that is my nature but I've finally accepted what you describe. Doing so allowed me the ability to let go and start on me. I never realized how liberating that would be.
Thank you again for all you have written. You have helped me more than you know.
I still hope because that is my nature but I've finally accepted what you describe. Doing so allowed me the ability to let go and start on me. I never realized how liberating that would be.
Thank you again for all you have written. You have helped me more than you know.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by ZiggyB
Yes, thank you for posting this, I feel much the same way. After trying to be stern, trying to set boundaries, having arguments, crying, pleading, and making ultimatums, one day I finally decided to give up and let go. I know I am powerless over someone else's choices. Letting go has not been easy but I am coming to see how necessary it is for me to move forward in my own life.
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment...."
...."I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."
This hit me like a brick and once I accepted that I was powerless over others, I made the decision to end it with the EXABF and begin to rebuild my life. It was and is still a struggle, but I find that I can face my own challenges with a lot more clarity than before.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Originally Posted by Linkmeister
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment...."
...."I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."
...."I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
This part is so hard to do! i know that when i lay some boundaries down to my AH he complies! which makes it a little confusing at times!
Ok so he wont stop drinking, thats a fact but he will stop mon - thurs, he will cut down the amount, he will try to not get drunk... so sometimes it does (for me) help a tiny bit.. BUT... then sometimes, when i am not around.. nothing matters, not a single thing.
If i were not to set boundaries my AH would for sure drink every night.. so im not realy sure how this can be?
Any ideas anyone??
Ok so he wont stop drinking, thats a fact but he will stop mon - thurs, he will cut down the amount, he will try to not get drunk... so sometimes it does (for me) help a tiny bit.. BUT... then sometimes, when i am not around.. nothing matters, not a single thing.
If i were not to set boundaries my AH would for sure drink every night.. so im not realy sure how this can be?
Any ideas anyone??
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Anvilhead just stole my thunder.
Ditto!
It's not only NOT a boundary to have scheduled drinking times. It's magical thinking to think doing so will make anything better. You're being conned. He gets to keep you and still drink. What do you get?
Ditto!
It's not only NOT a boundary to have scheduled drinking times. It's magical thinking to think doing so will make anything better. You're being conned. He gets to keep you and still drink. What do you get?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 26
I keep re-reading this post. Sheesh, I can't even master step one. Although I *know* I didn't cause it, can't control or cure it, I keep trying to control things. This post hit right on target. Time to go back to Al-Anon, I think, and perhaps therapy too, to get to the bottom of this. My head spins. I want to leave, I don't want to leave, I want my own life, I don't want to be alone, 'round and 'round. I love him, I can't stand what he's doing, maybe he'll stop, maybe he'll see the damage he's doing .... etc.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by scacra1
This part is so hard to do! i know that when i lay some boundaries down to my AH he complies! which makes it a little confusing at times!
Ok so he wont stop drinking, thats a fact but he will stop mon - thurs, he will cut down the amount, he will try to not get drunk... so sometimes it does (for me) help a tiny bit.. BUT... then sometimes, when i am not around.. nothing matters, not a single thing.
If i were not to set boundaries my AH would for sure drink every night.. so im not realy sure how this can be?
Any ideas anyone??
Ok so he wont stop drinking, thats a fact but he will stop mon - thurs, he will cut down the amount, he will try to not get drunk... so sometimes it does (for me) help a tiny bit.. BUT... then sometimes, when i am not around.. nothing matters, not a single thing.
If i were not to set boundaries my AH would for sure drink every night.. so im not realy sure how this can be?
Any ideas anyone??
it prolly doesnt matter when yer around. the thought is still there. there is an obsession, craving, and compulsion that comes with alcoholism.
IMO, laying boundaries for when a person can and cant drink is one way of taking a hostage.
nobody was powerful enough to stop me from drinking.
you may benefit from what the OP mentioned and thats read the big book.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Great post. I think I understood what this meant to the alcoholic long before I left. I understood that I could not control him and that part was easier for me to let go of.
What I did not understand was how I, personally, was powerless over alcoholism. Despite how hard I tried to manage my life was unmanageable with alcoholism in it and there was nothing I could do about it, even when I was not the one drinking.
It is what brought me to my bottom and that was what I had to accept before I could start repairing my life.
I wanted to try more, try harder, persevere, ignore. Yes I wanted him to change but I mostly left him alone and tried to control the situation despite the alcoholism and it wasn't working - and it pissed me off that I couldn't figure it out.
What I did not understand was how I, personally, was powerless over alcoholism. Despite how hard I tried to manage my life was unmanageable with alcoholism in it and there was nothing I could do about it, even when I was not the one drinking.
It is what brought me to my bottom and that was what I had to accept before I could start repairing my life.
I wanted to try more, try harder, persevere, ignore. Yes I wanted him to change but I mostly left him alone and tried to control the situation despite the alcoholism and it wasn't working - and it pissed me off that I couldn't figure it out.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Thanks EG for starting this thread.
AA and the Big Book was a big part of my life when I was with my XA and he was in serious committed spiritual recovery. We both would attend open meetings together that were either speaker or Big Book (meetings where you read a part of the big book and then discuss it) and while the inevitable relapse would always happen my experiences with the Big Book and AA were lifechanging.
I met some great women who were in alanon and also attended AA with their sober husbands and got to be around people in true recovery that were happy and working on themselves in community. My alanon journey began during that period...
The seeds of AA, the Big Book and actually completing the steps personally were all the foundation of my "today".
Today I am in the 3rd act but headed to the happy ending. I enforced my no alcohol boundary when he relapsed 6 months ago and he lost his alcoholic mind in Vegas for 3 months drinking, gambling and quacking my phone off the hook.
He is sober now 3 months and livng in another state and of course wants to reconcile because he "loves" me but I am sooooooooo not a player to go back to the insanity of our codependent/alcoholic dance.
But something is changed. I DIDN'T rescue him.... he rescused himself! For the first time he crawled out of the gutter and put himself in a rehab and stayed for months. Now he is in a sober living house and faithfully working his program. I am NOT being sucked into his quacking and he is determined to prove he can change for good.
I told him that I would attend his one year chip meeting whatever state he was in at that time and I will do that... and be very happy to see him achieve this milestone again.
My point after this long story is that AA, the Big Book, authentic spiritual recovery WORKS for both the codie and the A... but it ain't easy and there are no miracles. It is HARD work for both parties... and in my case the relationship is over because he in an alcoholic and while I love him and I am not willing to put myself through one more second of that life.... ever again with anyone.
But... we are now hoping the very best for one another and actually understand what each is going through and much of our progress is because of AA, the Big Book, Alanon that we shared together at various points of our life together.
So... I do not recommend open meetings (often drunkalogues and newbies) for codies but open Big Book meetings with strong good sobriety are very healthy places to go and sit in... even share if you want.
AA and the Big Book was a big part of my life when I was with my XA and he was in serious committed spiritual recovery. We both would attend open meetings together that were either speaker or Big Book (meetings where you read a part of the big book and then discuss it) and while the inevitable relapse would always happen my experiences with the Big Book and AA were lifechanging.
I met some great women who were in alanon and also attended AA with their sober husbands and got to be around people in true recovery that were happy and working on themselves in community. My alanon journey began during that period...
The seeds of AA, the Big Book and actually completing the steps personally were all the foundation of my "today".
Today I am in the 3rd act but headed to the happy ending. I enforced my no alcohol boundary when he relapsed 6 months ago and he lost his alcoholic mind in Vegas for 3 months drinking, gambling and quacking my phone off the hook.
He is sober now 3 months and livng in another state and of course wants to reconcile because he "loves" me but I am sooooooooo not a player to go back to the insanity of our codependent/alcoholic dance.
But something is changed. I DIDN'T rescue him.... he rescused himself! For the first time he crawled out of the gutter and put himself in a rehab and stayed for months. Now he is in a sober living house and faithfully working his program. I am NOT being sucked into his quacking and he is determined to prove he can change for good.
I told him that I would attend his one year chip meeting whatever state he was in at that time and I will do that... and be very happy to see him achieve this milestone again.
My point after this long story is that AA, the Big Book, authentic spiritual recovery WORKS for both the codie and the A... but it ain't easy and there are no miracles. It is HARD work for both parties... and in my case the relationship is over because he in an alcoholic and while I love him and I am not willing to put myself through one more second of that life.... ever again with anyone.
But... we are now hoping the very best for one another and actually understand what each is going through and much of our progress is because of AA, the Big Book, Alanon that we shared together at various points of our life together.
So... I do not recommend open meetings (often drunkalogues and newbies) for codies but open Big Book meetings with strong good sobriety are very healthy places to go and sit in... even share if you want.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
I totally understand!
Originally Posted by saljay
I keep re-reading this post. Sheesh, I can't even master step one. Although I *know* I didn't cause it, can't control or cure it, I keep trying to control things. This post hit right on target. Time to go back to Al-Anon, I think, and perhaps therapy too, to get to the bottom of this. My head spins. I want to leave, I don't want to leave, I want my own life, I don't want to be alone, 'round and 'round. I love him, I can't stand what he's doing, maybe he'll stop, maybe he'll see the damage he's doing .... etc.
This is me to a Tee! im not quite sure why im dithering around trying to decide if i am to stay or to go. I think its for all the reasons that you put above... im just not sure how best to make the decision. Gut instinct tells me it will end in tears, and i know that, but then i dont want to be alone either.
i know i have to try and find the courage to do this.
Thanks to everyone else for the posts, they're very honest and powerful.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by scacra1
This is me to a Tee! im not quite sure why im dithering around trying to decide if i am to stay or to go. I think its for all the reasons that you put above... im just not sure how best to make the decision. Gut instinct tells me it will end in tears, and i know that, but then i dont want to be alone either.
i know i have to try and find the courage to do this.
Thanks to everyone else for the posts, they're very honest and powerful.
i know i have to try and find the courage to do this.
Thanks to everyone else for the posts, they're very honest and powerful.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
i think im finally moving through the stages needed for emotional freedom at last.
ive done the awareness stage, im now more than aware my partner is an alcoholic.
i think ive finally started to move through the acceptance stage.. i think im there right now, i no longer check on him every 5 minutes, i no longer care what he does or how hes does it, in fact i dont even mention it, im assuming that this must be the acceptance stage? Its not that i don't still love him, i do, its more the 'whats the point' leave him to it' thoughts.
i believe the phase i am in now is getting ready for 'action' Subconsciously ive started saving a bit more cash, trying to spend more time on my own, catching up with more friends.. basically doing what I want to do, not what i thought was right to keep him away from drink and therefore save us from the inevitable destruction he can cause. ive taken my own pension out with work... im sure this must be a sign of me preparing for the end.
ill forever keep with me my love for the person who he CAN be, and my heart ache caused by the other person he IS.
but thinking positively im slowly getting to the right result.... thanks to you guys for the education!
ive done the awareness stage, im now more than aware my partner is an alcoholic.
i think ive finally started to move through the acceptance stage.. i think im there right now, i no longer check on him every 5 minutes, i no longer care what he does or how hes does it, in fact i dont even mention it, im assuming that this must be the acceptance stage? Its not that i don't still love him, i do, its more the 'whats the point' leave him to it' thoughts.
i believe the phase i am in now is getting ready for 'action' Subconsciously ive started saving a bit more cash, trying to spend more time on my own, catching up with more friends.. basically doing what I want to do, not what i thought was right to keep him away from drink and therefore save us from the inevitable destruction he can cause. ive taken my own pension out with work... im sure this must be a sign of me preparing for the end.
ill forever keep with me my love for the person who he CAN be, and my heart ache caused by the other person he IS.
but thinking positively im slowly getting to the right result.... thanks to you guys for the education!
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