Mizzuno

Ive been banging my head against the wall for 17 years. Im in my 30's and have known that alcoholism runs through my veins like blood. I am amazed at how gripping this disease is and how even with the best intentions getting away from drinking might be the hardest battle that I have fought. Im pretty sure that this is not a battle that can be won. Thinking that I can overcome this is a set up for failure. I have told myself many times that i "Im not going down without a fight", "I am never drinking again", "Only for today"........
Im really sick of being this way. Im sick of hearing myself say that I am sick of being this way. Im tired of the mess that i create in my head. Im tired of the hangovers and the compulsion to drink more. Im tired of the apologies that I give the morning after. Im tired of lying to myself and pretending that I have it under control. Im tired of crying over it...... Im really worn out from this.
I do believe that this is a disease. I do believe that a daily reprieve is all that we have. Im on day 3.

TorontoGuy28

I've been in your shoes. Many, many times.

You CAN beat this thing ! Just not alone. Get into a program, perhaps even in/outpatient rehab.

Hang in there.... There is HOPE for ALL of US !

bbthumper

Some of what you said here suggests that you are going to AA. Am I correct?

What your talking about is step one here, bud. I have a disease that doesnt let me not drink because of this goofy mental obsession that convinces me to drink regardless of how bad the memories are and how firm of a resolution I have made. Then I have a physical reaction, aka allergy, to alcohol where once I drink I trigger a craving for more. Hopelessness.

Good news is there is hope for guys like you and me. I found my answer in AA. Like I said, sounds like you at lease have some exposure to AA. If you stick with it and work the 12 steps, you are in store for some great stuff. Im sober 4 years now and have a life beyond anything I could have planned for myself. And so much more lay ahead!

Best wishes to you!

Auvers

This site has been helpful to me. You can stay sober. You have to arm yourself with needed resources to get through the hard days. For me it was the first 3 weeks. List everything you can use to fight the battle, including MD visit if necessary for side effects of quitting, nutritious food and lots of water, as few stressors as you can have, time with healthy contacts, including recovery meetings if you choose. It can be done. Others have done it. It gets easier and more comfortable as the weeks roll on.

Hang on. It will be better soon.

Mizzuno

Every time that i have expressed confidence with winning this battle I have failed. Yes, I have been to AA. I have been to rehab, therapy, read books, talked and talked, worked the steps.
I am embarrassed to say that i have been on this site before. I was active in May. I then fell into a bottle and resurfaced 3 days ago.

bbthumper

Please forgive me for asking this, but have you really worked the steps? A thorough inventory? Completed amends? Working with other alcoholics? Maybe you have, but for permanent sobriety, the steps require continuous work. Its not a one time deal. I only say this because you seem to feel that AA is not an option for you, but in reality you may not have been working a thorough program. It is worth consideration.

artsoul

Welcome Mizzuno -

I can relate. I was always so sure that if I tried harder, I could control my drinking......(just let me have a few drinks to get through today). I dreaded waking up the morning because I was always asking "why did I do this to myself again!?!"

We really do understand, and I'm glad you posted here today. I remember how scared and beaten down I was, but I found a glimmer of hope here and a lot of comfort knowing I wasn't alone in this.

Most of us never thought we'd get sober either - but lots of us have......if we can do it, you can too...

Mizzuno

@bbthumper I did not say that AA is not a option for me. I stated that i have been to rehab, AA, therapy and have tried numerous other ways to get sober and remain sober. Im not saying that AA doesnt work. It worked for me after rehab a few years ago. It worked when i went back a few months ago. It may work this time. If I walk in that direction.
I cant tell you what happened with me and the steps. I worked them to the best of my ability and worked them daily. I made amends. I wrote a inventory that was thorough. Chances are I didnt work a thorough program. I can consider that as part of this problem. I understand that this isnt a one time deal. Im a slow learner.

bbthumper

I hear ya. I think the problem a lot of folks run into is that they do the deal, work the steps, hit the meetings etc., but fall short on the 12th step work. See it a lot. Usually when im in the dumps there are 2 things lacking 1) working with others and 2) prayer and meditation. Those are always the first things to go when I get "too busy" and I suffer. I am a firm believer in this line of the book "Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail."

"You got to give it away to keep it" so often said, but so often forgotten.

Hope you find the answers you need.

bloss

Glad you are back! Everyday I read about people who are similar to myself, have struggled with the same sort of issues...just by posting you are helping many..."working with others". Thank You

2granddaughters

Hello Mizzuno:

I fought the disease like you for decades and finally was beaten into surrender in '89.

I surrendered and committed to AA and have remained sober since.

I don't know what you are looking for on a website but I strongly suggest you call your local AA number in the phone book and get with the program.
Google and read AA's "How It Works" and tell me what is the problem with it?

It's pretty simple, clean-up and show-up at the meetings.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

Hevyn

Hi Mizzuno. You sound ready to have some peace and tranquility in your life. I'm so glad you came here. You're no longer alone.

I was worn out from trying to control my drinking, and always failing. Drinking was becoming dangerous and unpredictable for me. I got dui's and had everyone in my life confused and worried. To top it off, it wasn't even fun anymore - and hadn't been for many years. My mistake was in thinking I could ever go back to social drinking. I wasted decades trying it.

I hope you'll find the encouragement you need here. We all care about you. Keep talking to us.

sugarbear1

Try calling your sponsor and get back in the meetings, if it worked before.

Are you really ready to stay stopped??

least

Never give up on sobriety. Never. I thought I was hopeless, doomed to failure, but kept on trying and now have over two years sober, and happily so. Don't give up.

Mizzuno

@ sugarbear for the time being I am on this site and really thinking about what it is that I need to stay sober. AA has its good qualities. I think that many roads can lead us to the same destination though. Thank you for your support.

Mizzuno

Well after the last few hours I've decided to get myself around like minded people and attend AA tomorrow.

Mizzuno

Nevermind. I've decided after reading some of these posts that AA might make me sicker than I already am.

mecanix

Hey Mizzuno,
I hope you find a way through ,

Take care , bestwishes , M

Sapling

I haven't heard of that happening yet....You never know...I'm just curious. You say you worked the 12 steps....Is this something you did with a qualified sponsor?....Or something you did on your own? When I say qualified...I mean someone who has had a spritual awakening as a result of the 12 steps.

Mizzuno

On another part of the forum AA members are jumping down a newcomers throat and taking his inventory. Basically its like this " your taking AA inventory, you need to take your own inventory and while I'm here I'm going to tell you how screwed up that is all because you stated that you finally found a group that was welcoming to you"...... In a nutshell.
I am scared of that. Very , very scared. Just because some people have found sobriety through AA doesn't mean that they are healthy and spiritually fit but they take great pleasure in offering advice that is not sound and is contradictory. I'm not sure if I can be around that again. This isn't my first rodeo with AA or sobriety.
Have I worked with a qualified sponsor? No, Sapling I have not worked with a qualified sponsor. I had 3 different ones back in the day. I'm not sure that any of them had a spiritual awakening. I think that I'm not qualified to say who has or hasn't had a spiritual awakening.
Some of the people on here are freaking me out a little. The judgement seems harsh and unnecessary. It sounds like they are not working their recovery program. If that is me taking others inventory, then that is what I am doing. I don't mind. I don't think at this moment after reading all that BS that I'm going to go buy a bottle. I want sobriety. I'm working on it. Thank you Sapling for your support. I find you to be sane and helpful.