Beetle53

Okay, so here I am at day 3. You know, I once quit drinking for about 2 years. I was in BAD shape, but I got sober. I did really well, and then I tried quit smoking with my ex. Well, things were really bad between us, we got REALLY stressed out, and had a few beers to take the edge off. It worked like a charm! But at a later date, we had a huge fight which ended in me being physically assulted (this was a sober incedent). Then I found myself living alone for the first time, drinking, and guess what? I started smoking again too. Shocker...

I really "held it down". I didn't let it get too out of control at first. But, then I started binging and then reeling it in- rinse and repeat. I was exercising a LOT more self-control than I had in the past. So, I figured I had it licked. But really, it's just been a constant fight. This went on for 4 years. Meanwhile, I met my fantastic man, got married, started a business, bought a house. We had some struggles, but things have been going pretty well. We have what I would describe as a strong marriage.

Then my oldest dog passed away 8 mos ago. This dog was my hero, and we saved eachother. Losing him was amongst the most painful experiences I've ever had. Stuff started to spiral pretty quickly. I kept myself really busy with work, or really drunk. So I was pretty surprised a coupla' mos. ago when I suddenly became very emotional about the loss. I was more upset 6 months after the fact, than I was the day it happened. And I realized that I hadn't dealt with it at ALL. I began "reeling it in" again. But, along with recognizing those emotions and actually dealing with them, it became pretty clear to me that I have not developed the skill-set necessary to cope with pain in a healthy way.

I only refrained from drinking on days that I was hungover, and even that was occaisional. I've been depressed and sick- and really withdrawn.

My husband and I recently made new financial plans- hoping that would help both of our mental states. It did. Then we started reading together, doing yoga, meditating, exercising, and eating well, also calling eachother out if we hear negative self-talk, to encourage one another to maintain positive thoughts; hoping that would help. It has! But, with this awakening- I further realized that in order for me to have optimal health and happiness, alcohol has to go. Also, I'm in my 30's and if I keep this up- I'm going to get sick. I can just feel it. I really can. It scares me...

I don't want to live my life in a dumbed down state, always recovering from hangovers, only enjoying the times that I'm drunk. It sucks and I think it's going to kill me. It's terrifying.

So day one was a killer hangover with anxiety that was almost unbearable, then I barely slept and had some awful nightmares and a difficult time deciding if I was hot or cold, day two was then rough because I was tired and tried to quit smoking- LOL! I decided to put that battle off for the time being.. Last night I slept well, even went to bed early but I overslept. Now today on day three- I'm still pretty fuzzy but doing better. I've been taking a multi-vitamin, b-complex, and fish oil. Also, continuing with a healthy organic diet- and doing yoga.

I'm feeling so bloated..ugh. The feeling is in my ribs and up my back. I'm surprised by this- but I'm hoping it will go down in a few days.

I know how far I have to go. I know I barely have a toe in the door right now. I've been through this before... I have a lot of practice. But, my goal has never been about having optimal health, or learning how to really take care of myself physically, emotionally, or spiritually; Before it was just to quit drinking. I really believe that it hasn't stuck because I didn't learn better emotional skills. I also know the easier this gets- the easier it is to slip. Because I've been there too... I really don't want to EF this up!! I have to stay vigilant and strong, and not let the passage of time allow me to disconnect from what got me here. I'm praying that I can do that.

I'm happy to be on this journey eventhough it REALLY sucks right now. I feel SO icky.. and I stink. LOL

PEACE!!

gincognito

I'm in a similar boat as you. 8 days sober after a lengthy relapse after 2 years sober. One thing I'd suggest is let the smoking be for now. I know when I stop drinking I allow myself beaucoup big ass cigars and it seems to help. I know it's substituting an addiction for an addiction but I'll burn I mean cross that bridge when I come to it. One thing at a time.

2granddaughters

Hello Beetle53:

Do you attend AA meetings? I found that they not only help keep me sober but also address my mental/emotional/spiritual foibles as well.

All the best.

Bob R

Live2Run25

Congrats.. a strong marriage is way more important that drinking. You do need to deal with your emotions in a way that is NOT getting drunk, I'm finding that out as well. I'm 67 days sober today. You can do this.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

Good for you for recognizing that you need to do so much more than just stopping drinking.

It sounds like you have a good plan. For me, balance is a key factor in my recovery and I try to maintain it every day. Yoga, eating well, sharing with your husband are all great ways to help your recovery.

SlimSlim

Beetle:

I'm sorry that you slipped after having had such a long period of sobriety.

Now that you're getting sober, does this time feel different to you? It sounds like it by what you wrote.

This is my third and final time quitting. As I was mentally preparing myself to quit, I realized that the only way it was going to work was to tell myself that I will never drink again and listed out all the reasons why. I got rid of the idea that in time I might be able to have a drink on Christmas or some other occasion. Even though I'm only five days sober, that resolve is strong and comforting to me and I know that I am going to live a life free of alcohol. Kind of like people who successfully quit smoking cigarettes.

Stay strong and use whatever tools you need to get booze out of your life. Sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive husband and everything to look forward to in the future and no reason to look back.

bbthumper

AA helped me understand something that I believe is very important. Alcoholism is an internal condition. I had to get over the idea that anything outside of me caused or would fix my alcoholism. For me, I could exercise, read, get the car and job I wanted, fix my finances, fix my relationship etc. and none of it would treat my alcoholism. It is an inside job. I was powerless over alcohol. There wasn't anything external that was going to change that.
My question for you would be, what are you doing to treat your internal condition?

artsoul

Welcome Beetle!

I really like what you said about learning how to take care of yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. Like you, I found I couldn't do any of those things while drinking.

Remember to take it one day at a time and be good to yourself. It sounds like you and your husband are already off to a great start - that's awesome!

Beetle53

Hey thanks everyone for being so kind and sharing with me here. I have been reading your posts as the day has progressed, and it's been really encouraging! I signed up for this page because I wanted to share, be supported, and offer support too.


I wanted to answer to this. Especially because this whole thread has been so positive and encouraging. But when I read this, my heart really sank. I'm not focused on the external. I started dealing with things that were more external stressors- that I was also burying with my drinking. And as I got a better grip there, I started to go deeper. From there I experienced a kind of awakening, and realized that I'm numbing myself and medicating myself and abusing myself- because I haven't learned self-love, or how to really take care of myself- inside and out. That's why my husband and I started reading together, meditating, doing yoga, and practicing affirmative thoughts. This is all part of cognitive behavioral therapy, with a strong emphasis on healing, and is very spiritual to me.

The clean food and supplementation is also to help my body/mind get well and to reconnect, and begin to heal. Without giving TMI here- I do have a lot of healing to do. I don't think in the past that I had reached a level of understanding or wisdom- that would've allowed me to grasp the full benefit/necessity of a holistic approach. If as I go deeper- I start to encounter issues that I feel will be benefitted by therapy, I will find a therapist who places emphasis on holistic health- to help guide me. (that's likely!)

I don't mind thought provoking conversations but, the quote reads as if your telling someone in day 3 of soberiety that their plans are inherently defective, and asking them how they plan to "REALLY" deal with it. I can't tell you how diminishing and destructive messages like that can be to someone so early on in their process. I hope in the future, you will be more sensitive to newbies. And I hope that you can respect that many paths can lead to the same place. My journey is not completed by giving up alcohol, giving up alcohol is me getting out of my own way- so that my journey can begin. But for right NOW, my main goal is getting through this detox, which I can ASSURE you after 8 months of hitting it REALLY hard- ain't no picnic! From there, I'll have a platform to build upon, and a better understanding of how to proceed...

Thanks everyone for lending so much encouragement to my day. It's really been a bright spot and I hope my interactions here will continue to be positive!

PEACE!!

2granddaughters

Beetle, your very best thinking got you here ... it won't get you out.

Please Google and read AA's "The Doctors Opinion", "How It Works" and "The Promises of Alcoholics Anonymous"

I wish you the best in whatever recovery program you choose. AA will be there if/when you need it.

All the best.

Bob R

Dee74

welcome aboard Beetle
good to have you here

D

Fandy

I'm with Anna on this (sorry i haven't tried Yoga yet). But I have been sober over a year without being powerless or surrendering anything. i don't follow a formal program other than reaching out through SR and to others every day.

I practice the attitude of gratitude also. please feel free to check out that portion of the boards too. If you are interested in AA, you can read about it in that section of the forum too. If you want to explore other programs, there are lots of people here that can help answer your questions.

Welcome to SR, it's been one of the best things i've ever googled.

bbthumper

I apologize. My intention certainly was not to tear you down. My hat goes off to anyone trying to achieve sobriety through any means. Problems with forums like this is that it is easy for things to be taken the wrong way. I was simply sharing my experience and thoughts based on what you put out there for us to comment on. Take what you want and leave the rest.

God bless ya!

Beetle53

Thank you Bbthumper for the apology. I didn't think your comment was intentionally insensitive at all. I know everyone here is doing the best that they know how to be supportive. I just wanted to point out how it read to me, and also to address your question. Thank you for reading it with an open mind and responding so kindly.

@2granddaughters and anyone else that has had great success with AA-
I have nothing but respect for your journey and am certain that you have much to offer with regards to insight and support. I am very familiar with AA. I know people who have been helped by it a great deal. I also know people who have had success with other programs. I think the most important thing is to work a "program" that resonates with, and works for the individual.

I am open to hearing other's experiences and sharing my own, in a way that is uplifting and encouraging. But, I will not debate the validity of anyone's process, as that's a very individual and personal decision- and should be respected. Also, debating or "poking holes" in another's approach, is destructive to that person IMO. I don't need anyone to be "wrong" so that I can feel good (or right) about my approach.

So let me be clear, I am presently not interested in AA; and when comments that diminish the efforts of other's, are posted by AA members- it doesn't seem very attractive.

I'm going to have to snoop around this board and get to know it better. Because REALLY, if this page is going to be constant debating about the right's or wrong's of sobriety, or bashing differing approaches, or slogan jamming, I'm out.. for real! Because, I really feel it's destructive. That's not why I'm here, and it's not what I need- I don't think anyone needs that.

I haven't been here long enough to know, but certainly I can't be alone with my feelings on this topic??? I hope not. :-(

Fandy

there is a very clear note in the Newcomers forum about feeling safe to post....

whatever method you use, if you get sober and happy with yourself and more satisfied with your life it is a win for you and your loved ones.

all i can share with you is I am happier sober and managing my life than when i was struggling to exist drink to drink.