islandcat

My son is 6 months into a 2 year Recovery Program. I have had no communication from him yet although I am allowed to send two letters month. Luckily they have a web page so I have seen videos and smiling photos. He looks wonderful. I called the centre today to find out how long before I could talk on the phone or visit him. They were very glad I called as they have been having some problems with him. He has broken a major rule and stole something but I guess he is often threatening to leave angry, then he will break down and cry. I am devastated, heartbroken. I dont need to go into all the details as I know many of you have been through overdoses, beatings and so on but 4 years of this and he finally went to recovery. I am finally able to start working on my health and my co-dependancy. He is very close to getting kicked out. Of course he is free to leave. As letters are checked I have always been careful what I say, very supportive and loving. So without revealing that I had this talk with a coodinator I have to write to him and tell him he has to finish to two year program or he cannot come home. This program is a once in a life time chance for him, I feel so sad. Any words of advice as what to say that will push him on. He has a big heart and they said that I am his world and one time he changed his mind about leaving cause he said he didnt want to hurt his Mom anymore. I also scraped and saved for tshirts for them and they told him, he sat thinking about leaving for 8 hours with his face buried in that tshirt. He is so close to getting there. I am not sure what is good to say and what not. sorry for venting but if he leaves then I can never see him as he will go right back to heroin. Been down this road before. Thanks for any kind thoughts and advice.

GardenMama

I am sorry for your pain. I get it completely. If it were me, I'd write and tell him how much you love him, how much you admire his strength and his courage to finish the program. I'd be hard pressed to write that he can't come home, but that is because I have only just recently told my AD she can't live at home while doing outpatient for heroin. It was the hardest thing I have had to ever say. You may have to say it. She had an opportunity like his at a long-term place for young adults and she refused it. He's fortunate. He may not feel that way right now, but you can encourage him. Hang in there and keep reading here -- a great place with lots of Mommas like you, hanging together in the struggle against addiction. Peace.

allthatsgood

I am also sorry for all the pain you are going through right now. The good news though is that he spent 8 hours thinking about leaving and decided not to. As you said, he can leave at anytime but has not done it. So, in my mind there is still HOPE. I have found with my RAS, I can only take it one day at a time and not look to far into the future or worry about things to come. All I can do is tell my son how much I love him, how I admire him for staying true to himself and staying on the path to recovery. I know it is not easy recovering from heroin addiction and understand that not everyday is going to be a good day and there will be struggles. As I have learned from all the posts on SR there's nothing I can do to make him want a clean and sober life. That is something he has to want and do for himself. And I will pray for your son that clean and sober is what he wants. Take care of yourself. From another struggling Mom - hugs.

islandcat

Thank you for your kind words. I wrote him and told him all that is in my heart. I did tell him he commited for the 2 year program and that it was our deal that he stay and complete it. If not he can not come home again. It was very hard for me to do but I had to do it. I cannot live through his addiction and all that encompasses again. I know my son well and I figure he stole so he could get kicked out and say to me that he meant to pay for say the chocolate bar he stole and that they kicked him out because, oh wah, poor him. But this wont work anymore with me. God I love that kid to pieces, why cant he just get it. I hope my letter doesnt get sensored and he can read it cause I will send another tomorrow just telling him I am having bad feelings and worried about him. I will also ask him after 6 months why he cant at least let me know how he is doing. No more miss nice person here, lets throw the cards out and see where they lay. Thank you again for those that replied. My heart is breaking, I am so hurt and dont want to fall into those years where I never talked to anyone about him as they would just not understand. He is not a bad ass as most would think, he is a confused boy with a big heart. I know that most of you understand, God love you. Lynda

Ann

I agree with Cynical One, I think I would stay positive and keep your own fears to yourself and perhaps work on how YOU can feel better and enjoy your days rather than living in fear. The "what if's" are sneaky and they can take up too much space in our heads if we let them.

Nothing we say or don't say will change the outcome, if love could save our addicts not one of us would be here.

I think I would let the counselors run the program, let your son work it, and learn to live your own life well.

It helps me to say a prayer each morning and give the care of my son to God, then I go about my day and live it well, as life is intended to be lived.

Please let go, mama, he has enough on his recovery plate right now.

Hugs

Kindeyes

I do understand how you feel right now. Been there many times. Unfortunately, those deep feelings can be very detrimental for you and for him. They can cause us to react, say, or do things that are attempts to control an outcome.

In my process (excruciatingly long and painful process), learning to let go and let God was difficult and confusing....and sometimes still is. I've learned that letting go meant letting go all the way. I would let go and relax believing that God would certainly make things happen in the manner I wanted them to go. But that wasn't really letting go, was it. Getting to the point of letting go of the outcome was what letting go really meant.

I think as codependents, we often feel that what we say or do will affect an outcome and we are anticipating and directing the desired outcome by what we do or say. Gentle words of support and belief in him should suffice.....because ultimately the rest is up to him.

Take care of you. I find that my best position while my son struggles with recovery or addiction is staying firmly grounded in my own recovery.

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

After 6 months it would be reasonable and mature of him to ask how you are doing.

( Yeah, we mamas can dream that some day, it's not all about them)