android1

I don't want to go over my whole story, but my wife and I are separating. She drinks and everything that goes with it, and both of us as ACOA, have all the codependency issues that go along with it.

I got a room to rent and I'm moving into it this afternoon, she is keeping the house, and almost everything in it. And I am glad she is. Except, she can't afford it by her self, so I am forced to help her financially. Which as her husband and a codie, I totally want to do.

But I can hardly make it by my self, the room I am renting is $300 and includes everything. If that gives you an idea.

I almost want to just give in and stay with her, especially as she has been better these last few day. But I'm not that naive. I know it goes in cycles, For the last few weeks I have been contemplating Divorce, and everything between that and trying to keep things the way they were.

I just had to vent to get my strength up. I know she can make it, but I so want to help her. I cant though right? She has to take responsibility for her self, just as much as I have to for my self.

fourmaggie

are you going to AL ANON? or AA yourself?

please read all the stickies and about this crazy disease...

Learn2Live

No, you can't. And you shouldn't. Because helping her weakens her. If you love her, let her take care of her responsibilities herself and you take care of yours. We have to allow them to experience the consequences of their own decisions, actions and behavior. Let it go, focus on you and when she complains to you or gives you a sob story, just say, "I'm sorry you are having difficulty," and turn around and walk away.

android1

Thank you both. I am going to alanon. I went to my second meeting today. I feel bad because I supported her for 2 years. She has never done it on her own. I feel guilty for leaving her Luke this.

Though she has done terrible things to me. I find those easy to look over and the want to take care of her is almost over powering.

But I am sitting on the couch in my new shared apartment, so I think I'm going the right way.

I want easy answers to my questions, and I want to know what the future holds. But one day at a time.

android1

I did read the stickies and a lot more. I am just weak, and want to give in. I know I can't and I know this is the right thing to do. I just need lots of reassurance. Thanks.

shawty80

sadly, looking into crystal balls will only show you your own reflection.

i'm sorry you are hurting, android. good for you for holding your ground and for going to al-anon. you are doing exactly what YOU need to do for YOU. keep coming back!

Learn2Live

WAY TO GO!!! Keep up the good work. I promise you it will start to sink in and it is going to help you.


OK dear, you have got to stop with the guilt. I am The Anti-Guilt. Guilt can be controlled. Guilt MUST be stomped OUT. You can do it. You have to start learning how to catch yourself feeling guilty. Start to notice it when it happens. Then, you stop the thought that is creating the feeling of guilt. How? Easy. You come up with something you tell yourself over and over and over until the thought causing the feeling is gone. Mine is, "Not My Problem." So I'll say Not My Problem over and over until whatever it is I was thinking I should have taken care of for someone is completely gone. When I first started practicing this, I think it took a week or two for it to really work to the point where I rarely ever felt guilt about that person anymore. Try it.

android1

I need the Anit-Guilt. Thanks Learn2live. I'm working on it. Alanon is awesome, I wish there were more meetings I could go to.

Learn2Live

Aw, do you live in the boonies or something where they have only one meeting a week?

Funny story from when I first started practicing the "Not my problem," is I would walk around the house or be getting ready for work, wherever I was when the guilt would come up, and I'd just sing whatever Anti-Guilt words came into my head. Out loud. Good thing nobody was living with me at the time or they would've thought I was nuts! But it worked.

ZiggyB

I hope you can find some peace with this, great advice from everyone above. Yes, there is always some guilt when ending a relationship, especially if it was your decision. In the end leaving her may end up being the best thing because she will have to do it all on her own, it might even force her to get sober when she has to take responsibility for own life. I would resist the temptation to give her anything more than what may be legally required by the law (such as alimony).

android1

I don't think I live in the boonies, but there is only one meeting a day, and none on Saturday. And because I work most evening, it is hard to get to meetings.

I told her I would help her out for 3 months, if we get divorced I don't think there will be alimony. But I will pay it if I have to.

I so badly want this to work out, she is an amazing person at times. But I don't think she knows that, all she knows is the bottle and what cones with it.

fourmaggie

Co dependent No More BY Melody Beattie, is an awesome book to read...try it