owathu

HI All!

Once again, I wanted to thank everyone so very much for all of the support that was given to me when I was in the depths of despair.

I have very limited contact with my AH and decided at the end of last week that yes, I did in fact want to separate and divorce and sent him a quick email stating this and that I would be moving my things out and would appreciate a garage spot for that. He hasn't responded to the divorce part and said that he would make arrangements so I could get my spot while I move. (WHAT.EVER.)

I emailed him back today to say SAT/SUN couple of hours each day and that to leave the divorce petition on the counter so I could sign it and that I needed him to sign some paperwork taking him off my car insurance policy so he could get his own for his vehicles. (He's a drunk, I don't want my rates being affected by his crap) I am very business like and unemotional.

I have my ups and downs, and yesterday was one of those downs. Today, I am feeling relief and a feeling of freedom. Relief that I don't have to worry about his crap, his inability to pay his own bills on time, (he has the money, just doesn't care about it much I guess), having to budget my money so I can pay for all the food and booze he requires, oh and smokes too. (He would always steal mine) I don't have to sleep alone even though I have a husband in the house who passed out on the sofa, I sleep alone now because I am alone. Trust me, it's a completely different feeling. I can clean, vacuum, anything and don't have to worry about someone who went to bed 30 minutes after I came home from work because he drank since 2pm.

I am actually giddy at the fact that this new chick is such a loser. Seriously, it is bringing me so much pleasure right now. I feel like they deserve each other and more power to them! I just realized, you know what? Water seeks it's own level and I've been trying to act like a Dam for years. Why not just let the water get to where it wants to go?

I've been reading a TON of books on alcoholism, co-dependancy, enabling, all of it. I feel I have a really clear understanding of what this alcohol disease is, and how absolutely hopeless it is. I haven't gone to Al Anon yet, but I wanted to wait until I get situated in my condo to start going.

I guess I just realized in my heart, that this man that my A is right now, is not the man I married. I have no control over his actions, it's not me. it never was me. It's him. Also, I am just not seeing very many recovered alcoholics for life. (no offense to any A's on this board) I see a lot of relapses and continued destruction. I just want out.

If he got sober, with treatment and AA, I would probably consider having him in my life in some way. But at this point, to me, it just seems like such a lost cause and I don't want to live the rest of my life with a "What if?' For myslef, I must move on. And I am so hurt and angry with what he did, it would be a miracle if I could forgive him. He detonated a nuclear bomb in our marriage. I am not sure if life can grow there again.

Learn2Live

OMG this is brilliant owathu!

And this too:

Thank you for these visuals, so helpful to me.

ZiggyB

Hi Owathu,
I'm glad to hear you're moving on, I think anger and the other feelings you're having are actually kind of helpful right now. I'm glad to hear that you're educating yourself a bit about the disease so you can absolve yourself of the blame and realize he is a person with some serious problems. Aside from the drinking, I could never take someone back who took up with another woman. He has betrayed your trust on a fundamental level.

Hope you continue to do well...

((hugs))

owathu

Oh completely, he just so fundamentally threw our marriage out the window, the trust is gone gone gone. I am actually disgusted with him right now. This whole situation is gross. I have no desire to see him ever again. I miss the A I thought I knew and loved, but he's not here anymore. This thing is in his place. I want no part of it.

I mean, I actually put a fraud alert on all three credit agencies, because this random woman he met at a bar has access to paperwork in our house. He doesn't know who she is, if she has a record, anything, and he lets her in our house? It's insane.

Anyways, I feel like even though I am going to have crappy days, that they will not last long and I will come out better from this.

I am supposed to be exactly where I am right now, the universe made sure of it. Without that skank shouldering her crazy self in on my man, I would still be holding out hope that my AH would go to rehab and be disappointed over and over again. I don't want decades or even another year of that. Nope.