OCHalo

I have this posted in the FF of A but someone suggested I post this in here

Hi all,

I posted here a while back about my 20 year old son. I kicked him out in March of this year for using. He entered outpatient treatment when he was 14 and he was sober for 3 years. He had a few relapses, but they didn't last long and he maintained sobrierty. It's been the last 1 that he is really struggling with sobrierty.

After he was kicked out in March, he only lasted 1 week on the streets. He cleaned up and I allowed him to come back home based on a contract I created. The contract was the basics: get a job; do chores; stay sober; etc.

He did everything. He had a great job and he was the most responsible I have ever seen him. He also has a history of cutting and suicide thoughts and mental health issues. He has been in mental wards several times since he was 14. Most stays no longer than 1 week.

He cut himself very badly in June in his car alone and left a note. He was parked at one of his AA meetings and his friends found him. He went to the hospital and was stitched up and released a few days later. He never went back to work after the release and has been on a downward spiral.

I confronted him July 20 if he was using again - I could just tell.
He said yes. We went to his counseling appointment July 23 and his counselor said that he would be able get him a patch, like a nicotine patch, that would curb the desire for drugs. My son was using synthetic marijuana. My son stayed clean for a day or two at most while we were waiting for the prescription for the patch to come through.

July 28 he was supposed to go to a sober dance with friends. I had mother's intuition late in the day that he never went. I called his friends, and nope he wasn't with them.

The next day my son told me he's voluntarily becoming homeless. He said he has never felt so free from responsibilities, bills, and this is the first time he hasn't felt like hurting himself.

I know that drugs are false happiness - I don't think he knows that.

July 31 we went to another appointment with the counselor - my son said he didn't want the patch anymore. The counselor said he would be able to put him into inpatient that day.

For the first time in my son's addict life he said he didn't want help. Prior to this, he has always asked for help.

Now, my question after the long winded background.

I have changed my locks, told him he can't visit me in my home, he can not come home if he's not sober. I am not giving him any money. The only thing I am paying for is his prescibed non-narcotic medicine for depression.

I am in Al-anon and know about co-depedency and enabling but I am having a hard time knowing really what is enabling when someone becomes homeless voluntarily.

Should I never buy him a coffee if we want to meet up and visit? Do I not call him? Any advice is more than greatly appeciated.

Thank you

JMFburns

OCHalo,

Welcome to the Friends and Families of Substance Abusers forum.

In my opinion, there are not concrete rules set for what is and what is not allowed/enabling. What do we feel comfortable with is to be taken into consideration as well.

If you want to meet him for a cup of coffee or sandwich from time to time and want to buy his, I personally think that is ok. But if you are going out of duty and don't really enjoy it - then don't go. You mentioned "calling him" does he have a cell phone? Who pays for it? Do you really want to talk to him, do you have enjoyable conversation or are you trying to keep tabs on him, maybe control some aspect of his life? I think those are the types of questions you can ask yourself.

Good luck and I'll add a prayer that your son stays safe.

Ann

My son was homeless many times and I never felt enabling to meet him once in a while for coffee or something to eat. Our visits were respectful, I didn't preach and he didn't ask for anything, and it made me feel good to do it.

I think that's one of the indicators...why we do what we do. I had no expectations, wasn't there to maniplulate him nor he to me, I could afford the time and the money and I enjoyed the visit.

That said, had he shown up on my porch later and asked to come in, I would not have allowed it because experience had taught me that he usually stole something or upset the home while he was there.

Setting boundaries are about what is and is not acceptable to us. If visiting him is acceptable to you then what harm?

Just my thoughts as the mama of an addicted loved one.

Hugs

interrupted

I think what others have said is spot on, the trick is to be honest with ourselves about why we are choosing to engage and what our honest goals are with each exchange.

I used to spend my time with my sister trash talking another family member over her using, all the while knowing that my sister was also using with her. I wanted her to hear how angry I was about their decisions and I wanted to make her stop using without directly telling her what to do. That wasn't honest to myself or her, it wasn't productive at all, it didn't ever make me any happier, and it certainly didn't do anything to stop her using. So I think it's key to try to understand why we are doing whatever we are doing. I was trying to change her behavior and I was dressing that up as guidance to our mutual family member.

So will meeting with your son make you feel good? And will you be able to do so without trying to force an outcome or criticize his life choices? Those are some good questions to start with. You're in my thoughts, it's a very tough situation.

BeavsDad

It's hard to find that line between detaching with love (ignoring the elephant in the room) and going no-contact.

Last time my son was "out there", I met up with him for lunch and had a pretty traumatic experience. (nodding out, slurring, eyes rolling up)

While that experience didn't make me go no contact, it did make me create the "I will not be around you when you are impared" boundary.

I had gotten real good at the "overlooking" that detail because I was happy to see him. I tried it at that lunch and was wake-up smacked hard that day.

kmangel

From what you have written it doesn't sound like he is verbally abusive, stealing from you, etc. I think it is fine to meet up with him for a coffee or lunch where you pay for it as long as he is respectful and not high at the time. I think as long as the two of you can enjoy the time spent together it is appropriate. It's when there is blaming and bad mouthing going on or worse (he's so high he can't function properly) that I would say to keep some distance between the two of you.

Ilovemysonjj

Hello, I agree as a Mother with a young adult addict. If he wants to spread his wings and see what happens, then that is his choice. I would think that changing the locks is very wise (speaking from experience) and that scheduling time when it is appropriate for YOU, not dropping everything if he calls, is the way to approach. Great advice about not trying to control his choices or try to influence his direction.

incitingsilence

Motive … check you motive at the door.

If you want to talk to your son then talk to him, if want to see your son, then see him. If you want to get him a cup of coffee a meal, do it.

But do not do anything thinking that it will somehow change him, help him, get him to see.

I find it so sad to hear a mother ask should she see her child, talk to them.
If there is no danger to you, and you know you aren’t going to give in if he asks for money, then enjoy him every chance you get … no expectations.

Kindeyes

We all have to do what we have to do. My son has been living homeless for quite a long time now. He seems to survive. I try to look at it as his journey...something that he needs to do that I don't understand. I seldom see him. When I do, there is usually drama (real or inflated) that shakes me. As a result, meetings with him are very infrequent.

I have to keep two things in mind if I do have any contact with him. Motive (as was mentioned by incitingsilence) is important. I have to ask myself why I want to see him and what is my expectation. If I want to see him just to spend a little time with him and I have no expectations FROM or OF him, then I'm ok. Ill be honest though.....it usually turns into an episode of "feel sorry for me Mom" and triggers my codependence and I have to be on high alert not to let it go there. It is never a relaxing, enjoyable visit.

Do what your mother's heart can handle. We all learn at our own pace (I've been particularly slow) and we all get to live with the result of our own decisions.

You and your dear son will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

OCHalo

Thanks everyone for all your responses!!
I appreciate hearing eveyones stories and experiences, it really helps me and makes me feel less alone.