Carol Star

I have been divorced for 5 years. My XAH tried to borrow money from me back then and I said -" No- I will not finance your slow suicide." He is still active. He said then never to contact him again and I have not. But- now working the 8th and 9th steps and doing my part of figuring out what I need to make amends for- but- he said don't contact him. My part in the bad stuff of our split was; I overreacted with fear and rage, I withheld affection, I gossiped about personal business to neighbors, and I was manpulative and controlling. I have an AA and Al-Anon sponsor who both say do not send . I can't let it go if I don't ask for forgiveness and I do not send it. I could also say I would not contact him again and I wouldn't. Any ideas here ? And thanks.

BlueSkies1

Ask your higher power for forgiveness?
Write it and burn it?
Tell it to your sponsor instead?
Post it here?
Share it with your group?
Whatever you are comfortable with.

But don't disturb the peace that is now between you--I'm sure he has had a regret or two in his own head, and he has dealt with that without speaking directly to you, and you can do the same.
Just like you would with anyone else in your life--make amends if you still are in contact, let it go if you aren't.

I did this recently, made amends with someone no longer in my life. He took his life by suicide, so there's no options it appears--and then I realized there was options--stare at his picture and talk it out with him as if he was there, even though he wasn't...or was he in spirit?
You can imagine he is there in spirit too.

I have read we are to make amends as long as there won't be additional pain involved by doing so. Breaking the no-contact rule would fall under creating more pain in this case?

I think your amends are for you...as much or really more, than for the other person involved.

m1k3

I have heard in meetings that simply changing the flawed behavior is making amends. Saying I'm sorry can be or often is taken as an empty gesture. I look at changing my behavior and working my recovery as real amends. I can't change the past but I can learn and grow from it.

Your friend,

Learn2Live

I would trust and listen to my sponsor.

Yes, you CAN let it go. And, you can ask forgiveness from your Higher Power, can you not?

Yes, but how do you know he would not contact you? I think you are going to open up a whole new can of worms if you contact him.

Cyranoak

...he has set a boundary. If you cross that boundary it is both disrespectful, selfish, and indicative of your thinking that your needs are more important than his. They aren't. They are as important, but not more important.

Discuss this with your sponsor again. It will be a complete ******* move to send it when he told you not to contact him. The program says not to do so if it would injure yourself or others. He is an other.

Good luck,

Cyranoak

Carol Star

This has been very helpful- between my sponsers, friends, and you guys it is unanimous- not to send it. It may be self sabotoging----thanks.

Carol Star

all very helpful.....interesting my meeting today the leader brought up the topic- guilt- so there you go- I made the amends today in my group...!!!!....following directions ! and THANKS SR family........

lillamy

I just want to emphasize one of anvil's points (my bold there above).

One of my friends is an RA. When he was actively drinking, he cheated on his wife. Not once, not twice, not ten times. As often as he had opportunity to. I don't know if it was fifty times or a thousand times. He doesn't know.

So he said when he got to these steps -- he wanted to tell his wife about EVERY TIME and EVERY WOMAN and also that he couldn't remember a fraction of them and... and his sponsor said?

"Tell her you cheated on her, and tell her that what you did was wrong, and that you regret it. Ask her forgiveness. Leave it at that. Chances are she already knows you cheated on her, given that she insists on using a condom when you have sex. Giving her numbers and details is not 'making amends' -- it's offloading a guilt that you don't want to carry. And that's not making amends, that's making yourself feel better at her expense."

CatsPajamas

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

I struggled with a similar situation for a long time. My ex became abusive and was dangerous for me to be around. I got away, I found recovery, I got a life again and was happy, healthy and pretty whole without him.

I struggled mightily with how to make amends for my part in the chaos that was our marriage... and my angel sponsor and other recovery friends helped me to sort it out. Step Nine says Made direct amends whenever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.

I didn't really understand that I am others! It would injure me, and not be safe for me, to be back in contact with him in any manner! So, I wrote the letter and didn't send it. Actually I wrote it and then burned it, as I recall, letting the ash rise up and be carried away by my HP. And I continue to make living amends in the way i treat others.

Working the steps really made a difference for me. There's an online step study here in the FFA forum if you want to work them.

Thanks for sharing your journey here

Cats