Lara

Dear Members...Bobcat and all.... I KNOW you are all offering advice...

But I feel I am being 'attacked' with my latest thread...

I am not a blithering idiot or a weak pathetic fool that it seems members feel I am. Of course my son comes first and my life - just because I posted a thread - does not mean I am CONSUMED by H. Yes, I have not moved on completely - but give me a break. I have recently joined SR and An-Anon. H has been in my life for over 15 years!!!! Can't everyone back off a little!
It is shocking for me to receive a phone call like I did this morning... I just needed to share how I was feeling....
I don't need 'perspective' by visiting the relatives of the critically ill people. How can someone make that comment. How insulting. I lost my brother in a car crash - killed in an instant by a drunk driver. No one needs more perspective than that!
I was just sharing as I am feeling angry, upset - all of the above.... that I have watched someone's life (YES SOMEONE WHOM I LOVED DEEPLY _ so shoot me down if you wish) fall apart. But dont think for one minute I am not thinking about the other 3 people!!!!
All I wanted was some advice.

That was all.

bobcat2000

Dear Lara,

We do not think you are weak or stupid - just confused - which is what happens - we all have been in similar situiations as to you. We give a damn about you. WE really do. We are harsh sometimes and do "tough love". Do not think for a moment that we are insulting you. My drunk Mom killed my Dad and sister in our very own family car by grabbing the wheel - my Dad's bloodied body was on top of mine when I came to - that memory will always haunt me!

Yes you are angry and believe it or not so are we - we share your pain, your frustrations. As to advice we give what we know, we give because we care, we give because we want YOU to heal. As to us backing off, I doubt we will, as we are on YOUR side and we will do whatever it takes to help you heal and to get on with YOUR life... if you end up having a great normal life and get the healing you need then we all have won!

Advice: simply get on with YOU and get H out your mind - it is difficult as all hell but it is possible, remenants will always remain - remember the good and then wish him well on HIS journey, maybe get one of those Chinese fire lanterns write down all your thoughts on it with a picture and send it upwards on onwards - I did this with Lesley and the physical act helped me also let go...

Prayers with you...

tjp613

Sorry you were insulted by my post. I"ll back out.

FindingErica

I definately do not think you are an idiot, you are hanging with a group of people who have all done regrettable things for their addict and know that any one of us is susceptible to future foolishness without support, perspective and internal healthiness. So if you are an idiot, then we are a band of idiots, but a band that cares so much for you. I think we are all trying to give you the tools to protect yourself in the future. We all know how easy it is to lose our Codie heads when emotions run high.

Learn2Live

Here is my advice:

Check in with yourself. Use the HALT rule: Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? If so, what do you need to do to take care of yourself? Now go do that FIRST. BEFORE you do anything else.

Breathe. Deeply. And keep doing that.

Recognize that you are Reacting. This is typical for us. We react. You need to learn how to NOT react. Learn how to DETACH. Pause. Stop reacting. Breathe. Focus on something other than what is making you angry and what is bringing up negative feelings for you. Get emotional distance from this situation. Recognize that H’s actions and the consequences of H’s actions have now brought back up for you a very traumatic, hurtful memory and all the feelings that go along with it. Recognize that you are likely more emotionally distraught about the consequences of H’s actions than he is.

Find someone in your community you can talk to. A clergy person, a counselor, a therapist, etc. Share your feelings and frustrations and fears with them. Get it out. Get some new perspective on this situation and how you are feeling and what is going on with you.

Go to the VERY NEXT Al-Anon or CODA meeting you can get to.

Ask yourself what boundaries you need to establish in your life, FOR YOURSELF, to PREVENT this in the future. Ask yourself, who called me to tell me this horrible news? Why do I need to know this news? Why is knowing what has occurred with H important for me? How is knowing what he has done helped ME or bettered my life? How do I prevent this person from delivering this toxic, hurtful information to me in the future?

Take good care of yourself.

outtolunch

The only thing we control is our own reaction, especially to people, places and events beyond our control.

The heart breaking irony of this situation is not lost on anyone.

There's no contact and there's NO CONTACT. You have control over what you hear. When/if someone calls you with the latest on this guy, you have the power to stop them in their tracks and make clear the news is of no interest to you, now or later, if that is your objective.

oooopps

Hi Lara,

I think the comment about visiting the victims' families was just offered as another tool amongst the any to help you wake up from this nightmare. Not to insult or attack you.

I find that when we feel "disgusted" and truly disgusted by the action of another person, we move away from that person faster. It's almost like a vow you make to not have someone like that in your life, any any capacity. When you're feeling weak, missing H, or hurting... you may think about the people that were hurt by him and then you might think "Why would I miss someone like that??" I think seeing the physical state that H personally put another 3 people in would do that. I understand about what happened to your brother and the drunk driver. Maybe without seeing or visiting anyone you will realize that H is just like the drunk driver that killed your brother. Except H almost took 3 lives.

I know you had a long history with H... but it is a nightmare for what it has been. What you do with nightmares is you wake up from it. The nightmare could be very long but it only takes a few seconds to wake up from it. Once you wake up, the nightmare (who was in it, who hurt you) doesnt matter so much anymore.

Lara

Hi Bobcat

Thank you for your message of support - feel much better after having read it... I am just angry - so angry - Zanzibar is a small island and what happened last night was shocking... the three occupants of the taxi are critical still - and don't think they will make it... the reality of 'Africa' is harsh. No real medical care.... and what is even more shocking is that families like H - have the money to air lift and medi evac their loved ones out to safer hospitals.. but the regular folk of Zanzibar have to accept the horrifiic medical conditions... Also H's family have the money to pay off people - so unlike USA or South Africa (or actually even here you can bribe) - he will be able to pay the right person and not even face his responsibility of 'possible' culpable homicide or even 'drunken driving'..... for me this is the final straw that broke the proverbial camel's back - but feel sick to the stomach that it too THIS - and terrible suffering for other people..... just terrible.
I know Bobcat about your family - and the horror of losing most of your family in a crash - with you in it!!!! I can't imagine your pain...
God be with you and God bless you
My love to you and your family

Lara

Thank you Learn2Live - I am immediately putting in to practise your advice!!!! A lot to think about!!! Writing it down and workingi through it - I think so much has to do with my brother and the memories... and that for years I have been protecting somebody (H) - who now is responsible for possibly killling 3 people - as I write this - we don't think the one chap is going to make it (the driver of the other car)..... Dear God....I just know how I felt when my brother died - a rage for that responsible driver that I cannot describe....

Lara

Hi Ooops... it is as though you have read my thoughts and transcribed them for me... it is EXACTLY how I feel.... it has taken me many years to stop 'hating' my brothers killer and to 'forgive' as hate just wrecks your own spirit and heart.... but as you say, it makes it so much easier to walk away... as I said to Bobcat earlier - it is the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. I have nothing more to give H. Nothing more! We have stood by for years supporting - and for the past few weeks doing everything to get him back into rehab. Everything. I have studied addiction and done everything in me to learn, understand, not enable, not be co-dependent - blah blah blah... and at the end of the day, this reckless man drove drunk out of his mind - and as I write this, the three passengers (it was a taxi) may not pull through.... H always has the money to bail himself out of any situation and never face the consquences of his actions. (We live on an island off Africa - and bribery is common).... H has always driven big fancy cars (just like the driver who killed my brother and his girlfriend)...so H, blind drunk, had all the airbags, and latest sophisticated LandCruiser - whilst the other poor souls were in an old Peugo taxi.... how cruel can life be....

MsPINKAcres

((Lara))

just wanted to add that as I posted earlier - still sending out prayers & good thoughts for you and all affected by these horrible circumstances ~

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Lara

Hi tjp613 - it has been a few hours and I have calmed down, read others posts.... and more than likely I took your comments out of context..... I appreciate your input....it's just such a sensitive subject for me - like so many of us here on SR - I am sure many of us have lost loved ones in car crashes....sometimes we just feel overwhelmed and we are the 'only ones going through whatever experience'....

Learn2Live

Yes, that was what I was thinking. This is probably bringing all those old feelings back up.

This is going to sound weird to you but I was just reading yesterday about the concept of Trauma Bonding. And basically what it said was that we will seek out people who are most likely to allow us to re-enact, and therefore try to correct, the traumas of our past. This rather jives with my strongly held belief that life will continue to bring you the same lesson over and over until you learn it. I'm not saying you can't escape the pain of your past, what I'm saying is that until you fully grieve your loss and work through the trauma, you will not be able to release it. Sounds weird but makes sense to me because I keep having the same relationship over and over and over, just like in the movie Groundhog Day. The guy is just a different name and a different face. There is something inside of me that I must change.

The fact that there are so many employed psychologists and therapists and psychiatrists out there tell me I must be onto something.

Take good care of yourself today. If you have a Higher Power, now is the time to pray. It will help calm your anger.

sojourner

Lara: Just wanted you to know that I too experienced a lot of bashing one time when I got on here in total crisis mode. Just because we have distanced ourselves from our beloved addict does not mean that we cannot get overwhelmed with the really scary situations they have gotten themselves in. This car crash is a very scary situation. The phone call that brought that news to you probably had your adrenaline sky-rocket for days.

Probably what I learned from my experience is that Sober Recovery is not where I post when I'm really vulnerable. The first couple of people to answer are usually okay, but not always. My experience being on that side of the bashing also helps me to be careful about what I say. Lots of times (not always) I stay away from the threads that bring out the "bash" in me.

Hope that helps.

Lara

I think you are so right Learn2Live!!! My sister and I have obviously been discussing this most of the day - as Vicky is as upset as I am....and without a doubt - even though the night by brother was killed (7 March 2003) - I prayed to God - to release his soul - and I wished Marty (Martin) God speed and a safe journey 'home'.... in my soul I knew he was safe... but my 'humaness' has never really dealt with the pain..... spiritually I think I knew he had gone even before I heard the news... just so many odd things had happened the days before leading up to his death... we were incredibly close... we believe together (me, my brother and sister) could conquer the world (I suppose so typical of children from an alcoholic home) - were were each others lives!!! We were each other's past, present and future.... so a lot to deal with...
And yes, the accident last night brought this all home to me..... suddenly I am 'on the same side' as the reckless driver, the killer of the innocents.....

laurie6781

(((((Lara)))))

Just because

PLEASE, please do not feel you are to blame for any of this (and I am sure the
thoughts are there or have 'popped' up this morning).

You are NOT one bit to blame. All of us 'protected' our A because we all had
blinders on. Blinders of denial, blinders of love, blinders of being caring and
compassionate. We could not do better until we KNEW BETTER.

It is only recently, as you stated, that you joined SR and started to 'learn'
about codependency and what had really been going on in this long term
relationship with your A.

You have already changed DRASTICALLY in these short 2 months!!!!!

I understand how devastating this has been for you. You are correct many
of us on here have either lost a family member or dear friend to a drunk
driver, or have had a family member or dear friend drive drunk and injure,
maim, or kill someone. And with some of us the memory is still fresh and
a 'sore subject' no matter how long ago it happened.

I can imagine how this totally has ruined what little peace and serenity you
have managed to find. My God, being awakened to news like that .......... I
am not sure that I wouldn't have crawled back into bed and pulled the covers
up over my head.

Sending healing thoughts and prayers across the pond to you and your family,
to your H, and to the victims and their families.

Love and hugs,

Learn2Live

I lost a very close friend to cocaine overdose when I was about 21 and although I am not saying that losing a friend is anywhere equivalent to losing a sibling or other family, it took me DECADES to fully grieve and let go of that loss. So, although I've not lost a sibling, I can identify with long-held painful feelings.

Lara, you are not on the killer's side. This has nothing to do with you. You did not cause this, the alcoholic/addict caused this. I think you might be a bit like me and that is to suffer OTHER PEOPLE's consequences out of some unresolved guilt or shame from my past. I don't want to sound like I am being mean to you, because I am not, but at a certain point in my life I had to finally come to the realization that the world does not revolve around me. I have to learn how to take and keep my hands out of other people's business, stop meddling in other people's affairs, stop taking on the responsibilities of people who do not act responsibly, and stop feeling the feelings that they do not feel themselves.

I think it is key that you reveal you are a child of an alcoholic. Do you know how greatly affected you have been from growing up in an alcoholic home? Have you read about this phenomenon before?

Lara

Thank you so much Laurie!! Now is truly the time to surrender. The families are in my praryers and in the morning when we wake (it is 8.36pm time here) I pray to hear the news that they have pulled through tonight - as the first 24 hours are critical and if they make it through then there is real hope.
I have really detached.... for some reason looking back on the past few months / years I never saw myself as a separate being from H - what a dangerous place to be..I believed our paths were one and together we would face this world for all her trials and laughter too - but now I surrender and truly see the gift God has given us of life - and that we are individuals - all on our own path... Thank God! I thank God I am not on H's path.

Lara

Learn2Live - don't for a moment think that your loss is less than mine - because your close friend was not a sibling - some friends are closer than siblings... what a terrible loss for you!!!!
I had always heard about 'co-dependency' - but never understood it. Only through joining SR have I become aware of it... I have also been reading under 'Children of alcoholic parents'. The damage is frightening.. I bought the book last week "Co-dependent no more" - it has been an eye opener... both my mum and sister have been reading it - we discuss it - have sort of our own group therapy - I wish I had read it when I was 20!!! EVery day I am working on it... just being AWARE has made such a difference... I don't feel so 'abnormal' and 'different' to everyone else.... things are beginning to make sense..
Its frightening how co-dependecy affects EVERTHING: from personal to business decisions!!!
Thank you so much for your input and concern.....

KnBlueSkies

Lara,

A few years ago my husband and I went on vacation to an island off of South Africa; Mafia Island. A beautiful, private place to relax, snorkle, watch the sharks swimming off the coast. I recall being told that if there were any emergencies we would be airlifted to the main hospital which would take 20 minutes or so. Relating my memories to the experience you are sharing; it is quite a dramatic accident and I can see where getting the best medical care would be difficult for the average person living and working on those islands. I pray all involved will recover.

Based on the experience with your brother, this situation would without doubt bring back intense memories, and feelings of anger, helplessness, injustice. And at the same time, you are of course concerned about your friend as there is a thin line between love and hate. Give yourself time.

There is nothing that you will do, nothing that you will reject doing that will interfere with Gods plan for your H. My belief is that God often works through people. Sometimes by our taking action, and sometimes by our not. You have to trust your heart, your mind, yourself to find the answers that are right for you; and that will be Gods plan. People can tell you their opinions, but only you can make the ultimate decision; and there is no right or wrong.

My husband recovered from cocaine addiction years ago. His family was similar to your H, in that they protected him, and although he never suffered the consequences of illegal actions through the court system. That fact doesn’t bother me to be honest; he would not have benefitted from being arrested, convicted of charges, given probation or prison time. It would have ruined his life; not saved it in my opinion. Things have worked out very well for him, so apparently everyone’s actions were in Gods Will. And truthfully, he still suffered, because his actions while on drugs were not representative of who he was as a person, and he was left with the struggle of making peace with his behavior when using. Your H will have to do the same, even if he is able to avoid any legal consequences. I will add that my husband never committed any violent crimes, or caused bodily harm to anyone through his use, so that colors my view.

If it is your will to truly remove yourself from H's life; then use this as a catalyst to let go emotionally once and for all. If you are able to get to this place, then your business dealings, and all random interactions will be meaningless to you.

Praying for you, yours, and all the victims.