Hope87

Hello everyone,

Hope you are all doing well or at least ok. So went to see AF's mom last week and we dicussed what was going on with AF. She completely understands and told me he is using (and after talking found out more lies he's been telling me)..and that I need to tell him to get into recovery or leave which I knew were my only two options. We don't even really feel like a couple anymore. He pretty much goes and does his thing and I do my own thing. And am I sad and upset...yeah, or at least I was but I think now I'm to the point that I'm just numb and don't care anymore. I want better in my life and I'm determined to find it or at least be happy on my own with my 3 furry children. I know this is not what I want anymore and God only knows what he's doing or what he's into.

I was just looking for some advice on how yinz did it? How did yinz get them to leave? Were you scared? How did it go?

My thing is we have a house but everything is in my name. I cannot trust him to keep up with paying everything (not having my credit screwed up anymore than it is) and I need the house because very few apts are going to allow me to have 3 dogs and there's just not enough room at my parents. So it's kinda like I need to have some plans in place before I drop him a letter telling him to get out. Also, we are a 2 income house. In order for me to keep up with the bills I'm going to need to get a second job. I don't really feel like it but this is what I'm going to have to do until at least the credit cards are paid off. Then my final thing is I'm worried how he will take this news. I mean he'd have to be an idiot to think it's not coming. But his life is perfect now. And I'm totally going to wreck everything for him. He has never hit me or has never been violent with me but like I said...I'll be screwing up his perfect little picture. I also need to get some money together so that I can have all the locks changed afer he leaves. Then I wish it could just be a one night thing. But he has a lot of stuff and it's going to take him time to get things together because I don't want him to keep coming back or bugging me that he needs this or that after he's gone. Then again, he might just take what he needs and leave peacefully. Who knows...

Like I said....just looking for some advice or anyone willing to share a story of how their situation went. Just need some support...this is going to be rough...

thanks in advance

Elphie

Quote:

And I'm totally going to wreck everything for him.

NO....he is wrecking it all, this is on him! He has done this to himself.

You could call your local PD, make them aware of the situation, they will come out for a "keep the peace" call in most cases....just in case he gets out of control at the news.

Change all locks, immediately, if you have a friend who can help with this, just buy locks at your hardware store and have someone install (pretty simple)...

You can tell him he can take what he needs for now, then pack up the rest of it and arrange for someone you trust to collect it all and get it to him.

You should be very proud of yourself for getting out of this, for not continuing to enable by giving him a soft landing spot....for protecting yourself....for taking your life back!

FindingErica

My AH was already gone so maybe I was just lucky in that I didnt have to deal with him. Maybe you should change the locks while he is out, then force him to bring the sherrif if he wants to get his stuff, that way you have the protection of law enforcement there. One of the members on here mentioned trading front door knobs with a neighbor. I thought that was such a resourceful way to cheaply change the locks. Another thing, have you considered renting a room to help with expenses? I can't afford child are on my own but I can afford my rent, so my adult nephew gets free room and utilities, and he watches the kids. It works.

GardenMama

I don't know who or what yinz is, but I after reading your post, my first thoughts are related to what you can do to make it less tense for you. Do you have a close girlfriend or family member who can come stay with you while things get dissolved, or at least come over when he is coming to get his stuff? Get support and attention around you and your safety/comfort zone so you can be as strong as the moment demands. I've been something similar to your situation and kept my best women friends in close range or even right by my side.

Best wishes, I am thinking of you & hoping for a lackluster break-up.

Hope87

thanks everyone. Appreicate the feed back. Yeah, I know I'm not wrecking this...this is all his doing. I don't want none of this but he has pushed me to this point. But I know in HIS mind I'm wrecking it for him...oh well. Yeah, I would love it if he just took a day or two and got what he needs out and then I could work out the rest with his mom I would guess (he don't have many friends and the ones he does have now I'm not dealing with to get his stuff to him). Really not expecting him to take the rehab route so this should be interesting. Once I get my mind together, some sort of second employment lined up and a strong support system this is over. So hard to believe. I love this man, was planning a wedding with him and now I'm to the point that I don't care if he's home or not. I mean it is going to be hard and take a lot of adjusting on my part. Never lived completely alone before so it's going to be hard for me but at the same time looking forward to not having to worry about him and what he's doing all the time. Now he can go to whatever the he77 he wants and leave me out of it!

PS...Yinz is like y'all or you all term if you are from Pittsburgh thanks so much again!

interrupted

I am inspired by your strength!

I like the idea of him just taking some necessities and then you packing up the rest of his stuff and giving it to his mom. It's more work, but it keeps him out of the house. Also trading locks with a friend is really clever. While the situation sucks, this thread is really uplifting to me; I can feel inspiration in your strength and conviction, and I needed that this morning.

Faithlove

I'd love to give you advice but I think everyone who's posted above me has it covered. Stay strong! Sending prayers your way.

Hope87

wow...thanks interrupted. We've only been together 4 years and lived together most of those years but it has taken a lot to get to this point. I mean he's never home, working for money to...I assume...buy drugs and the texting his ex back and forth a lot and I'm not allowed to know nothing they talk about, all the secrets and lies and a laundry list of other things and I'm the one walking around an emotional mess while he walks around like everything is hunky dory. Well, I'm tired and finally fed up. You know...sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm turning into someone I don't like and I want to find someone who has the same goals in life as me...to get married and hopefully have a family. I'm in my early-mid 30's and hope I didn't screw up that dream yet. And I feel that is no longer a dream for him. And I know this part is messed up but I have a slight interest in someone else. Am I trying to rush from one relationship to the next...no. I need to sort myself out and get myself on my feet again. I would be interested in no more than a friendship now. But maybe God threw this guy in there to give me a glimmer of hope or a reminder that there are other people out there. You can do better and don't deserve what you have now.

Also, don't get me wrong. I do love my AF...more than anything but I do not like the person he is now. And he is a grown man and can life whatever life he choses and I'm a grown woman and I can chose what life I want to live and his way of living is just not in my plans...