One is Done...Two is Anew
SoberOutlook
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
One is Done...Two is Anew
It’s hard for me to believe I’ve been a year without alcohol. This is the longest I’ve been sober since 1985. It’s even harder to believe I’ve been without tobacco for over 7 months. Somedays, I wonder why I’ve made these stark changes in my life. It helps for me to remember, which is why SoberRecovery is such an integral part of my recovery plan. It’s the main ingredient.
A year ago, I was at the end of my wits, and so was my family. My wife and I were sincerely contemplating divorce, and spent hours on the internet researching it. My kids had no respect for me. My finances were in ruin, and my career at a chronic dead end. And I couldn’t deny that I was responsible for the vast majority of my predicament. I had long since given up on life, and simply succumbed to misery, deferring control and leadership of my family to my codependent wife, and losing myself into the bottle. I had lost the closeness of good friends quite a while ago, and even my drinking buddies were becoming scarce. I was in the throes of a deep, dark depression, fueled by alcoholism to the tune of at least a half fifth of vodka each day, and a full fifth, or the equivalent on many days.
In the past, I had tried to abstain from alcohol for the Christian season of Lent; usually about 40 days following Fat Tuesday, and starting on Ash Wednesday. I had failed in my last two attempts. In 2011, I made it only 29 days. I drank away the summer, and became even sadder and more disgusted with myself. I was ready to die, and wished God would take me. During my 28 day inpatient rehab in 1983, I learned that alcoholism is suicide by inches. After I started drinking again, I had this ritual where I’d put my finger to my head and pull an imaginary trigger, to signify the previous day’s suicide progress. Doing that almost daily over the following 27 yrs only drove me deeper into depression. I had abused the life I’ve been given, took it for granted, and didn’t appreciate much of anything. I had mentally and emotionally isolated myself over that long course, as well. Of course, I didn’t usually blame myself while in the throes, but there ultimately came a point where I had to admit to myself, that I, and my drinking, were the only common denominators in the equation that was me.
So, in my personal bottom, I concluded that only I can change my behavior, and attempt to live my remaining life as honorably as possible. And, I quit. I put it before ALL ELSE in my world; ahead of my marriage, my family, my career, my possessions, everything. I went back on my antidepressants to try to clear the cobwebs from my mind that had formed from lack of use of it. After a few months, I was able to taper off of them. I haven’t been seriously depressed since, and have been alert enough to recognize the moments when I am in danger of depression returning, and am able to respond to them.
I have long been diagnosed with ADD, and am given Ritalin to take for it. I’ve reduced my need for Ritalin significantly, and have a goal of eventually eliminating it entirely.
Even though I’ve been sober a year, I have not regained the full cognitive capacity that I had years ago. I may never regain it, in my estimation. A lot of my task-oriented functioning is compromised. I don’t think nearly as quickly, and I can’t multi-task any longer. I’ve become more single-minded. I can learn to live with those reduced capacities, and I pray that my brain will continue to heal itself over time. I also pray that I haven’t triggered progressive brain disease like dementia or alzhimers with all the substances I’ve abused over the years.
Recovery life is not perfect. I still get in arguments with my wife, still have bad days, and still struggle in career and finances. But, I have a peace within me now that allows me to be able to handle those struggles, instead of simply sweeping them under the rug with a mind-erasing drunken binge.
Physically, I am in much better shape. My heart rate, blood pressure, and cholesterol have all normalized. My intestines and stomach are not constantly ravaged and aching. My skin is much healthier. My eyes are clearer. My sleep is less restless and fitful. I can give and show love again. I’m less irritable. I have a new lease on life.
It’s nice. I think I’ll stick with it. Thanks SR.
A year ago, I was at the end of my wits, and so was my family. My wife and I were sincerely contemplating divorce, and spent hours on the internet researching it. My kids had no respect for me. My finances were in ruin, and my career at a chronic dead end. And I couldn’t deny that I was responsible for the vast majority of my predicament. I had long since given up on life, and simply succumbed to misery, deferring control and leadership of my family to my codependent wife, and losing myself into the bottle. I had lost the closeness of good friends quite a while ago, and even my drinking buddies were becoming scarce. I was in the throes of a deep, dark depression, fueled by alcoholism to the tune of at least a half fifth of vodka each day, and a full fifth, or the equivalent on many days.
In the past, I had tried to abstain from alcohol for the Christian season of Lent; usually about 40 days following Fat Tuesday, and starting on Ash Wednesday. I had failed in my last two attempts. In 2011, I made it only 29 days. I drank away the summer, and became even sadder and more disgusted with myself. I was ready to die, and wished God would take me. During my 28 day inpatient rehab in 1983, I learned that alcoholism is suicide by inches. After I started drinking again, I had this ritual where I’d put my finger to my head and pull an imaginary trigger, to signify the previous day’s suicide progress. Doing that almost daily over the following 27 yrs only drove me deeper into depression. I had abused the life I’ve been given, took it for granted, and didn’t appreciate much of anything. I had mentally and emotionally isolated myself over that long course, as well. Of course, I didn’t usually blame myself while in the throes, but there ultimately came a point where I had to admit to myself, that I, and my drinking, were the only common denominators in the equation that was me.
So, in my personal bottom, I concluded that only I can change my behavior, and attempt to live my remaining life as honorably as possible. And, I quit. I put it before ALL ELSE in my world; ahead of my marriage, my family, my career, my possessions, everything. I went back on my antidepressants to try to clear the cobwebs from my mind that had formed from lack of use of it. After a few months, I was able to taper off of them. I haven’t been seriously depressed since, and have been alert enough to recognize the moments when I am in danger of depression returning, and am able to respond to them.
I have long been diagnosed with ADD, and am given Ritalin to take for it. I’ve reduced my need for Ritalin significantly, and have a goal of eventually eliminating it entirely.
Even though I’ve been sober a year, I have not regained the full cognitive capacity that I had years ago. I may never regain it, in my estimation. A lot of my task-oriented functioning is compromised. I don’t think nearly as quickly, and I can’t multi-task any longer. I’ve become more single-minded. I can learn to live with those reduced capacities, and I pray that my brain will continue to heal itself over time. I also pray that I haven’t triggered progressive brain disease like dementia or alzhimers with all the substances I’ve abused over the years.
Recovery life is not perfect. I still get in arguments with my wife, still have bad days, and still struggle in career and finances. But, I have a peace within me now that allows me to be able to handle those struggles, instead of simply sweeping them under the rug with a mind-erasing drunken binge.
Physically, I am in much better shape. My heart rate, blood pressure, and cholesterol have all normalized. My intestines and stomach are not constantly ravaged and aching. My skin is much healthier. My eyes are clearer. My sleep is less restless and fitful. I can give and show love again. I’m less irritable. I have a new lease on life.
It’s nice. I think I’ll stick with it. Thanks SR.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Thanks for sharing, Lofty. I'm so pleased for you. Your story inspires me very much. Congratulations on a year of sobriety and for 7 months of not smoking... that's amazing. I'm four months sober and have just given up tobacco a week ago... hopefully I'll be saying what you're saying in 8 months time. I'm glad your depression has subsided... that has been the major positive for me having given up alcohol. I don't think people realise sometimes what alcohol does to your mental health... for me, it destroyed it.
Congratulations again... and thanks again for sharing. It's good to read of your success.
All the best on the rest of your journey... I'm glad you're sticking with it
Congratulations again... and thanks again for sharing. It's good to read of your success.
All the best on the rest of your journey... I'm glad you're sticking with it
SoberOutlook
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Thank you each so much for your gracious comments. When I have thought back on the year today, it is amazing how much my emotional and spiritual self have returned and developed. I'm no longer numbed by chronic alcohol ingestion. In fact, just yesterday, I heard some music I hadn't heard in quite a while and it stirred my soul more deeply than I can remember in a long time. That feels great.
I hope that those who are just starting out on this journey, or re-starting, will "camp out" on SR and use it to help keep sober, especially during the early rollercoaster days. Take life a moment at a time, and stick to your sobriety. Invite God to guide you in your journey, and life will change for the better!
I hope that those who are just starting out on this journey, or re-starting, will "camp out" on SR and use it to help keep sober, especially during the early rollercoaster days. Take life a moment at a time, and stick to your sobriety. Invite God to guide you in your journey, and life will change for the better!
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Congrats .... And I love the saying the its the years come easy , its the days that are hard.
So now I can ask you , since you qualify , true or false.
Again enjoy your day.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Present Moment
Posts: 646
Lofty, sometimes I have a hard time stringing together my own thoughts, on my own sobriety...and without fail, something in the words you write, mirror what I try to piece together in my own mind.
Then I let out a big sigh...and feel better....so happy to be a part of your journey.
Then I let out a big sigh...and feel better....so happy to be a part of your journey.
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