jksears13

Hi everyone,

I know I'm probably no different than any other confused and naive person who I'm sure you have seen cry out on this board, but I hope that you can be gentle on me. This is all very fresh for me and I am in a lot of pain.

I'm 29 years old and I met my recovering addict almost 4 months ago. I met him online, I was looking for new friends. We had an instant connection and had so many things in common. One of the first things out of his mouth when we first hung out was that he was in recovery. Only about a month of sobriety. I had dealings with this before. I was currently in a very unhealthy abusive relationship with a "most of the time" active addict. As awful as that relationship was, I credit it for making me a more open-minded person and for showing me the struggles that exist in this world for some that I would have otherwise been naive to. I saw this as a plus for "J" and I. That I could bring this level of open mindedness to our friendship and give him a sense of acceptance that he might not find from others.

The development of "J" and I's relationship from that point on was anything but typical or easily put into words. It is best described as we both new there was something. We didn't really know what it was at first, but just new that we liked it an didn't want it to stop. I had a boyfriend, and he was fully aware of my friendship with "J", and both "J" and I respected those boundaries. Although "J" soon learned my story and new that I was very unhappy. He pretty early on ended up expressing to me that he had developed feelings but would not act on them out of respect for the situation. He had never been in a situation like this before, but promised me he would always be honest, so he told me when he did. We continued to hang out as friends, not excessively, but coffee dates and a movie here or there. As time went on we grew more attached to one another, talked daily and feelings grew stronger. I struggled with where I was. I was not happy and needed to leave my current relationship, but needed it to be separate of "J". And he did phenomenally at supporting me as a friend an not influencing my decision.

My decision to leave my ex came in mid June. I'm not sure if anyone is familiar with the feeling, but its when you have already shut down from being hurt so badly, that you are no longer really there. You're just staying, for the sake of being afraid to leave. Which isn't the right thing to do. I left him and gave my all to support him through that transition. To not abandon him as had been done to me in the past, but to try my best to ease what we both ended up realizing was the best.

"J" respected my space and then we slowly began to hang out again. but then this time, things were naturally different because there were no boundaries. We moved slowly, or tried, but there was already so much there. We got to the point where we were together all the time and emotions developed rapidly.

"J" is very very active in his recovery. He was a drug addict and alcoholic and threw himself into AA. Meetings, sponsorship, chairing, big book studies. He embraced it fully. Talked about it all the time. changed his whole life at such a young age. He did everything you were supposed to. Cut off people, places and things... a whole new group of sober friends and strictly sober activiites. Sobriety was number one. He believed it and was living it. I was amazed. I had never seen how recovery was supposed to work in some one. I was very familiar with the process and had attended Naranon meetings for quite some time. But I had never known these things in a relationship. It was beautiful.

I also have a past under my belt. A rocky relationship history with guys who had done some damage. Abandonment issues as a result. "J" knew all the details of this. As things continued to develop we talked in detail about every aspect you could name when it came to a relationship. His recovery, my past, our ages... every area. When were we ready, when was too soon, what did we want, what did this mean... his sponsor knew, all his AA friends. All in support. I being afraid to be hurt continued to question. Tried to cover my bases. Tried to control things i knew i couldn't. All I got was reassurance after reassurance. I tried to pay attention to things that I thought could be problems especially considering my past, but he just slayed every doubt. Continued to tell me he was ready and willing. We were on fire. Doing all the things we loved together, making each other so happy. The things he said to me and did for me, I'd never experienced. He was like a dream. He told me I was it. We talked all the time and saw each other more frequently. We became a huge part of each others lives. Dating, together even if we were getting there a little slow and backwards.


Then this weekend happened. Fri night he was supposed to be chairing a meeting with friends and then they were all going to a sober party afterwards. I was invited but had decided to stay in because we had plans for all day sat and sun and I had errands I needed to run. After my relatively normally texts from him through the night, I fell asleep pretty early. I awoke sat morning to a text in the middle of the night that read "I'm not doing so well". I learned that for whatever reason, his one friend who he chaired with who has more sober time than him, suggested they go to a bar before the party for friends of hers birthday. "J" thought he could handle it but couldn't. He did not relapse but basically proceeded to lose his mind. Everything went to hell in a hand basket. He fell off the horse and then some.

We talked about what he should do and he said he needed to take the day to go to meetings and get himself back on track. I got a text from him later basically just self destructing. He had found out something bad from his Dad and now his whole life was just falling apart and he wanted to kill himself. All of a sudden the person i had known and been in contact with every day was depressed and wanted to kill himself? I knew he had struggles with his sobriety, but for lack of a better word, he made it look easy. He loved his program and was always so positive and seemed quick to bounce back.

I tried my best to console and I didn't here from him until I texted him later that night to see how he was. This was already beginning to be weird that he was so distant. He used to text me basically all day every day. He told me he was alive but not well and with other AA people. I said I didn't really know what to do and he said he just needed a little space and that this had never happened to him before and he was sorry I needed to see it. He made comments about how I shouldnt think he was bailing on me completely or disappearing but that he felt like he was falling without a parachute right now.

The next day, Sun, I got up and attended the concert we were supposed to go to together, alone. I heard nothing from him all day and all night until I texted once I got home just before 11. The first texts were him just letting me know what had happened that day and when I questioned him further about what was up, why he hadn't thought to let the girl he was dating know anything that was going on, he hit me with the text of him not thinking he was ready for this and we should just go back to being friends. I called him and trying to make sense of the different things he has told me since last night and tonight is difficult. Here are some:

-What happened fri night opened a whole new door for him about his sobriety and that he was not being completely honest with himself about many aspects of it.

-Being in a relationship distracts from his sobriety and it needs to be number 1

- hes very close to relapse and needs to protect me from that and what could happen if this went further and how much worse it could be then

He continued to tell me how he was punishing himself by doing this because what we have is amazing but he has to do this to stay alive. He needs to be alone and focus on his higher power. But he NEEDS me in his life as a friend. Everything else is distracting him right now. His feelings for me have not changed and were real and he would love for us to be in the future if we could but he cant have that now. But yet into today this has evolved into him thinking he knew what he was getting himself into and meaning what he said at the time, and not knowing this was gonna happen, but him not being able to see a future with us.

So basically, everything changed in like 48 hours. and he told me he was falling for me. I cant express to you all the intensity of the way he expressed himself to me. and yet he changed his tone 3 different times I talked to him today! I kept getting different answers and our last conversation ended pretty much on the this is it note. He keeps saying he wants and needs me as a friend, but we never had a normal friendship. There was something there from the very beginning and there is no way to go back from here for me, especially to something we never had.

I'm completely crushed. I was falling for him and feel like I've hit a brick wall. I feel used and lied to, but yet foolish at the same time. I dont know where to go from here or how really to cope. So I guess I came here looking for some insight and advice.

Please be kind.

thank you all

crazybabie

First I would like to say I am glad you found us yet sorry for the reasons, I am going to try and respect you wishes and be easy as possible yet be truthful and your likely not going to like my opinion with that said you decide if you want to read the rest of this post.


New relationships always have that so good feeling and the feeling is more intense where going from a relationship like the one you were in before. You said he had one month clean when you were talking or met reality is it is suggested that anyone recovering wait 6 months - 1 year usually a year before starting a relationship and if "his" people were for it they were not the right people not going by the general rule.

My suggestion is get back in Nar-anon or Ala non and start working on you again and possibly some counseling find out why you seem to end up with guys like this. I do not know anything more than what you posted but that in itself is a repeated pattern and NOT a healthy one.

Your quote (I credit it for making me a more open-minded person and for showing me the struggles that exist in this world for some that I would have otherwise been naive to. I saw this as a plus for "J" and I. That I could bring this level of open mindedness to our friendship and give him a sense of acceptance that he might not find from others.)

Hon, that is your EGO talking he can find the acceptance he needs if really working recovery from the others who are really working it they understand we do not.

He is doing you a favor although you may not see it that way right now take the chance and run like he77.

Ann

Welcome to SR, I am sorry you are going through this and hope you find some comfort and support here.

Although my son is the addicted loved one in my life, I have many recovering codie friends who use the phrase "my picker was broken", meaning that they just could not seem to choose healthy men for a relationship and time after time ended up with another sick person who was incapable of taking carre of themselves, let alone a relationship.

Sweetie, you were not even out of one bad relationship before you had this one set up. I say that kindly and with compassion in my heart. But you might think on why you are afraid to be alone, to heal and grow before you even think about another relationship. Sick attracts sick and healthy attracts healthy. Until you get yourself healthy and balanced you will continue to attract sick like a moth to a flame.

Your new friend needs time to sort himself out, to either get back into a stronger recovery...and put some time under his belt, or to go back out and continue the cycle of recovery/addiction...that's how my son works, and it is sadly quite common.

And although you may not want to hear this...it may be a very good time for you to take a "time out" from relationships and begin your own healing, because until you do the path ahead will repeat the patterns of the past.

Al-Anon, Nar-Anon and CoDA are three similar and very good fellowships that helped many of us heal and learn to live a healthier, better life. Contrary to the sound of their names, they are not about our loved ones and their substance, they are about US and I promise you that if you give them a try, you will be glad you did.

Also, there is a wonderful book that has helped many of us, called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Find yourself a copy...today...because once you begin reading, you won't stop, and you will learn so much of why you are the way you are, just as many of us did.

Take time for yourself, take a read around and make yourself comfortable because you are among friends here who have been where you are and who can share with you what helped them.

Hugs

incitingsilence

Be grateful, and respect his wishes. He is absolutely right, he needs all his time and all his focus in this moment to be on him.

kmangel

I've read that recovering As should be relationship free for at least a year. Give him time. That is the best gift you can give him right now. Be grateful that he is listening to wise counsel. So many recovering A's don't listen and follow what they are learning. Your boyfriend sounds like to me that he has embraced recovery, it is his lifeline, and he is close to losing it. He needs some time to regain what he feels he has lost. He was not as stable as he thought he was. That's not a bad thing. He's wiser now--understands better the battle he is in.

I know it hurts your heart right now because you want to be more than just a friend, but he is doing the right thing wanting to back up a bit in his relationship with you. If it is meant to be that the two of you are to be together as a couple, it will still be--just not now.

laurie6781

Welcome to Sober Recovery. I am glad you found us, but sorry that you had to.

I am sober and clean for over 31 years. I have NEVER forgotten my first year. It was
a very very hard year, with lots of new 'beginnings' and lots and lots of revelations
about ME.

He has done you a REALLY BIG FAVOR by telling you he cannot be with you and must
give his recovery 110%.

Yes, many sponsors in AA, myself included say:

NO major CHANGES the first year.

Yes, a new relationship is a MAJOR CHANGE.

The new person in recovery, in order to obtain and maintain recovery MUST devote
all their time, other than their job or getting a job, to recovery. It is so important,
and I suspect that your alcoholic friend was on 'the pink cloud' of recovery and was
not seeing just how hard this was going to be. Now, with a recent revelation to him
about him possibly relapsing he is seeing beyond the 'pink cloud.'

He is not 'abandoning' you. He is asking for SPACE so that he can really devote his
time to WORKING ON HIM. Maybe some Alanon meetings would be good for you
and help you to work on you.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

jksears13

Thank you everyone for your posts. I appreciate all of the support and insight. I'm sort of flopping like a fish out of water right now after having someone who was such a huge part of my everyday life just not be there anymore. Its like hitting a brick wall. I do understand the things you are saying and my relationship with "J" just developed. It wasn't planned. The heart can't help who it falls for. and trust me i tried.

Prior to my relationship with my first addict, I was single for a year and in therapy that whole time working on myself and the affects of my last relationship. If there is one thing I know, its that i process things and have done the work. And i learned many things about myself in that time. At the time I got involved with my first addict, I obviously did not know he was. He presented himself as a completely different person in the time we were seeing each other. He even had my therapist fooled, she was in full support. That relationship was a slow and deceitful one.. with secrets slowly oozing out as time went on and lies after lies. Sometimes he was "clean", but he was never in recovery. And it was one of those things where you don't even realize whats happening until its too late. I had never dealt with something like that or been exposed to it, but it opened my mind to many things. And when I make comments like that I mean, its a lot easier to judge a person or a type of person until you know them personally. I've heard many people refer to addicts as some scum of the earth, which is easy to do if you are ignorant to the disease and until its an addict in YOUR life. Until its personal. Then you see a person and not just a stereotype. and I'm glad that I started to educate myself on it.

I have never had a problem with addiction but I am sober. I'm not sure if any one is familiar with a term known as "straight edge" but it is a lifestyle choice that was developed through the alternative music scene that meant abstaining from drugs, alcohol and promiscuous sex. I have been straightedge for 10 years, solid and steady. This was another huge plus for "J" and the fact that I had experience with addiction I say also was, not because I could offer him more than his fellow recovering addicts, but because it meant I wouldn't run for the hills and because he could openly share his recovery with me and not feel ashamed or judged. He didnt have to keep it from me. Because he wanted that.

"J" and I talked about the supposed 1 year dating rule. Because it was a base I tried to cover like I mentioned in my previous post. I tried to be sure. But he said that it is different for everyone and that there is no rule in the big book that says specifically that, meaning 1 year until dating. And I saw the relationship he had with his sponsor, and his involvement in all these areas of his life, so I thought if his sponsor wasn't waving the red flag, and neither was "J" and his recovery seemed so stable... that we might be ok. But apparently, when he went off the deep end this weekend it was revealed to "J" as well as his AA people, that he is not as far as anyone thought and they started waiving the flags now.

I understand all of this. And I can see the logic in it. But it hurts like a b@%ch, for lack of a better word. He told me that we were incredible and that he felt safe and secure and like a different person. And that was yesterday when he came over to talk about this! I get that the sobriety has to come first, but I just never thought I would ever be something that stood in the way of that. He always told me I was such a plus in his life and that he believed god put me in his life for a reason and that every night he prayed he thanked him for that. I knew sobriety would always have to be number one, but never in the context that it would have to be me OR the sobriety.

cangel2

I want to say that I am sorry you are experiencing this pain. I know that this situation is full of addiction, recovery and your "straight edge" commitment. I do not want to diminish any of that because I think it is all important but I do want to step away from all of that and ask you to consider something very basic.

When we start a relationship with someone new in our lives the initial phase of that relationship is full of everything beautiful, light, hope, and....well let's admit it fantasy and denial. I mean really......in a new relationship nobody even has bodily functions for at least the first 3 months........

I just would like you to put this in perspective. There is a wonderful word....Limerence....it describes the beginning of a relationship. It is a wonderful place to be and a wonderful thing to remember. It is not a long term relationship strategy....at best it may provide the beginnings of a foundation. This is something you may have several times in life with someone else before you get a firm footing and develop a lasting, adult relationship.

I would say to you .... at 4 months....you haven't arrived yet at the relationship point. You may be holding on to fantasies of what may be.....while it is hard right now....you should step back an look at what is....that is real....that is what you get.....then decide.....is that what your life and future is all about?

jksears13

cangel2:
I agree that were not at the full blown relationship point yet. We were still in the beginning stages, the "puppy love" if you will. The thrill and the excitement and the newness... but nothing feels more awful than having that ripped away from you at its peak. It felt so good for both of us, two people loving everything about each other and stopping that almost seems like a crime. I believe we had enormous potential. And I also know that with that would come a risk. But I thought based on the level of commitment to his recovery, that that risk was worth taking. The person he was to me and the way we were together combined with his commitment to his sobriety was more of a plus for me than inevitable "what if". Because I never felt the things I felt with him before.

YearForMe

We DATE to see what the other person brings to the table.

kmangel

Has your boyfriend said he wants to take a break for a season until he gets his life sorted out or that he wants to break up with you permanently?

outtolunch

People in active addiction or new to recovery usually make lousy parents and/or partners for endless reasons that have nothing to do with the people they impact.

A simple boundary of " I do not do relationships with people in active addiction or new to recovery" protects the setter from the, let's call it, inconsistencies and emotional fallout that usually occurs.

laurie6781

Please go to Amazon.com and buy yourself the book:

"Codependent No More"

by Melodie Beattie

It is very reasonably priced. When you sit down to read it, have a brand new
highlighter pen ready and highlight whatever pops out at you and then go back
and read and process what 'popped' out at you.

Then read it again with a different colored highlighter and then go back and read
and process what 'popped' out at you that time.

I think it will be a full education for you in itself.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

ps: I am also a firm believer that we MUST continue to 'work' on ourselves and grow and change throughout our lives or we/I my life would be sitting in a very stinky stagnant pool of yuck. I MUST stay in tune with ME, and 'me' changes. Learning to live without a 'him' on my arm has made a 'him'
that much more enjoyable and delightful when one does come into my life.

jksears13

First, I would just like to thank everyone for acknowledging my pain. Although some of you may be telling me things I don't really want to hear, I appreciate tremendously that you are willing to recognize that I am hurting, and although you may not agree with the situation, you know that makes it hurt no less for me. That means a lot.

He just told me that he needs to be single for quite while and focus on his sobriety. He told me that it had nothing to do with me or his feelings. But I feel that all the discussions between Sun night (when he first told me this) and Mon night varied a bit with his frustration level. Meaning the first couple times we talked he seemed more positive about a future with us. Yet he continually expressed that he wants to keep me in his life right now as a friend. That he needs me as a friend. So, I don't know what to think. He's a mess right now. I believe him and I know that he does have to focus on his sobriety, but my head is over thinking it. I have a very black and white way of thinking when it comes to a lot of things, and unfortunately a weakness of mine is that my brain tries to apply that a lot to relationships, especially in situations like this. My brain says "people don't leave things that make them this happy. Its not possible. So there are two options: Either he lied the whole time or its you". Nether of which I feel like I really believe to be true. I believe he needs to focus on his sobriety. But my heart is exploding and my brain is desperately searching for something else to tell it.

I understand the sobriety needs to take precedence, my heart just wishes there was another way.

laurie6781: I am familiar with the book. I will get a copy. I've got nothing to lose.

I did speak with him today. The conversation was very non confrontational. I tried to keep it as low pressure as possible and the conversation ended with is us close to our normal dynamic. He's alive but still no doing very well.

hello-kitty

I hope you will do something for you - read the book! If we don't learn from the past we are doomed to repeat it.

You can learn to have healthy relationships with healthy people. Reading Codependent No More may help you recognize certain behaviors in yourself that cause you to end up with the wrong people and give you the tools to change them.

You deserve a long term, happy, fulfilling relationship with a healthy guy.

You are worth the time it takes to read that book.

Diva76

I understand that he is going through a difficult time
with his new-found sobriety, but at the same time, I happen to think its a bit
selfish on his part to expect you to still be
there for him, KNOWING that your feelings go beyond the
"let's be friends" thing...

Now, if you think you're capable of being his friend,
then, so be it...however, and this is a BIG however, I would
limit the amount of contact you have with this individual until he is in a better place...

Or, if it is too difficult for you to remain in his life as a friend, it is perfectly ok for you to gently let him know that you respect his need to focus on recovery and it is in your best interest to step out of the picture while he is attempting to make these changes...

If he is truly working a program, then he will understand and respect your needs as well....

Perhaps, if he is sober a year from now, and you're still available, you can always re-connect with him then...

I'm not suggesting you should "wait" for him..

But having the year for yourself, may help you "see" this situation from a much healthier perspective..

All the best,



Diva 76

kmangel

You will have to be patient with him and see what the future holds. So many people don't beat addiction. He is fighting for his life right now. It appears to me he is trying very hard. So many stories here are about addicts who go right back to using after rehab. They all can slip up, but it is what they do after slipping that matters. Be grateful he is trying to get back to his program. That is a really good sign. Otherwise, I would say run away from him as far as you can get!

jksears13

Thank you guys. I'm just really having a tough time with this right now. I don't know how to proceed and I'm terrified of messing the whole thing up. I feel like I'm not ready to let go of this yet and I just want him in my life in some form, even if it is just as a friend. But at the same time, I know that the whole time I will be holding on to the hope in the back of my mind that down the road, things could go back to the way they were.

I didn't hear from him at all yesterday and I did not make any attempts to contact him. I keep trying to remind myself that he said he needs time and space and that he is really not in a good place right now. His focus is on staying alive. But even though he kept telling me he still wants me in his life and has talked to me every time I contact, there's this part of me that's afraid that this is his way of cutting me off. And that makes me want to cling and keep contacting him, which I know I can't do.

How do you go from talking to some one basically all day every day and seeing them pretty much every other... to nothing? Everyday when he woke up and started his day, he would text me. Happy, sweet, positive things. He told me that every night he prayed, he thanked God for putting me in his life. He was just so into this up until the moment it happened it seems and I just can't wrap my head around that.

He had told me when I talked to him Fri night at the meeting that he was shutting his phone off because it was going to die, until he got to the party and then he would text me (even though I never asked him to). I ended up falling asleep.
I woke Sat morning to these three texts:

10:30pm "Hiii babe"
11:43pm "K well goodnight babe" (I used to fall asleep at night when we were talking so I always told him that if I ever don't respond to your last text, its because I fell asleep. So he would start texting me the goodnight texts when that happened.)
12:05am "I'm really struggling right now"

And then it was this.

crazybabie

One day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time.

I know how hard it is I have been with my AH since I was 15 I am now 46 it can be done I am not saying it is easy.