Sister On a Rampage Again! Need advice!
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Location: Charleston, SC
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Sister On a Rampage Again! Need advice!
My sister went to rehab in February after being hit by a car on a major highway--she broke her ankle. At that point we had refused to help her anymore after years of "helping" her. In May she was kicked out of rehab for drinking--she will drink hand sanitizer and anything else with alcohol in it. After that she was arrested and put in jail for shoplifting. Last week she showed up back in our home town. She has been calling everyone and saying "she needs her family" blah blah blah. We gave her the number for a safe place to stay that she can stay as long as needed--she has to be sober, go to meetings, and find a job. My brother gave her the money for the first 3 weeks rent. She took the money and went to stay at a hotel instead saying that she didn't want to live in a cage anymore. Today the money that he gave her ran out and she is calling again not believing that we won't help her.
I know that there is nothing anyone can do to help her but I am still feeling awful that she will start living on the streets tonight.
Any thoughts or words of encouragement would help?
I know that there is nothing anyone can do to help her but I am still feeling awful that she will start living on the streets tonight.
Any thoughts or words of encouragement would help?
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Location: Charleston, SC
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Will this ever end? She is calling family life long friends and parents and asking for money? Everyone is calling me to say, "So you are really not going to help her?" It is making me feel awful.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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How is it your responsibility to ensure this GROWN ADULT WOMAN has a place to sleep? And how is it your responsibility to hand out money to her? If anyone asks, you can politely say, "This is a family matter and I do not wish to discuss this with anyone outside the family. Thank you for your concern."
Sister, I have BEEN there. And I allowed my enabling to go on with my addict brother AND his wife and children for over 15 years. Until I realized that all of their continuous, unending problems and chaos were going to destroy me. I made the decison that I would no longer answer the phone. I told those I wanted to talk to how to get ahold of me, and cut everyone else off. At last, I learned what peace and serenity meant.
Your sister is going to continue draining you and your family until you and your family decide enough is enough. Giving her money, giving her ANYTHING is enabling her, which ONLY serves to weaken her. I have learned that if you really love the person and want them to get better, you will let them go.
I have had to allow two brothers to go homeless. I was so afraid they would die. But lo and behold, guess what? THEY DIDN'T.
Sister, I have BEEN there. And I allowed my enabling to go on with my addict brother AND his wife and children for over 15 years. Until I realized that all of their continuous, unending problems and chaos were going to destroy me. I made the decison that I would no longer answer the phone. I told those I wanted to talk to how to get ahold of me, and cut everyone else off. At last, I learned what peace and serenity meant.
Your sister is going to continue draining you and your family until you and your family decide enough is enough. Giving her money, giving her ANYTHING is enabling her, which ONLY serves to weaken her. I have learned that if you really love the person and want them to get better, you will let them go.
I have had to allow two brothers to go homeless. I was so afraid they would die. But lo and behold, guess what? THEY DIDN'T.
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Thank you Learn to Live that is exactly what I needed to hear! I just needed reinforcement. I know all that you said is true--she has to get it together on her own. Thank you for your response. I too have lived with this for over 15 years and every time she is around the chaos starts. I haven't talked to her since February--other people calling me was making me second guess myself.
To thine own self be true.
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Originally Posted by desperatesister 
Thank you Learn to Live that is exactly what I needed to hear! I just needed reinforcement. I know all that you said is true--she has to get it together on her own. Thank you for your response. I too have lived with this for over 15 years and every time she is around the chaos starts. I haven't talked to her since February--other people calling me was making me second guess myself.
Oh, the chaos. I can't handle chaos in my life anymore.
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I agree with L2L. She is an adult and has the right to make her decisions and own the consequences of those actions, both good and bad. If he chooses not to work or not to get help that is her right. If the consequence of those decisions is that she ends up living on the streets then that is her choice as well.
When she is ready there are places where she can get help.
Please don't concern yourself with others are saying. As they say in the rooms it's none of my business what other people think of me.
Your friend,
When she is ready there are places where she can get help.
Please don't concern yourself with others are saying. As they say in the rooms it's none of my business what other people think of me.
Your friend,
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Originally Posted by m1k3
If the consequence of those decisions is that she ends up living on the streets then that is her choice as well.
When she is ready there are places where she can get help.
When she is ready there are places where she can get help.
I think the reason these people are calling desperatesister is because "normies" don't see what is happening, and in the "normal" world, if your sibling was homeless, down on their luck or what have you, of course you would lend a helping hand. But what these callers do not know, or cannot even grasp, is all the dysfunction and sickness of the last 15 years. Or 20 years. Or 50 years. And people, unfortunately, JUDGE other people. They look at US, the codies, and wonder what the hell is WRONG with US! Why are we behaving like uncaring, insane, dramatic people?
So here we are, trying to live normal, healthy lives, surrounded by this sickness, losing our hair, high blood pressure, seeing a therapist, on anti-depressants, knowing other people are pointing our finger at us, judging us, and feeling sorry for the addict.
This is exactly how I feel about AXBF's family. They are TOTALLY in denial and take everything he says at FACE VALUE, and refuse to see or understand what really went on in my relationship. It is enough to drive me insane.
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Thank you again! I am going to stick to it. I do feel bad for my mother but I am giving her the same message. Today one of my sister friends called and said," even her own mother has turned her back on her!". I let them know that my mother is 75 years old and doesn't need to be dealing with my sisters drama. My sister is 50 years old and is making her own choices. I am NOT helping her.
Thank you for the support it has really helped me stay with my plan.
Thank you for the support it has really helped me stay with my plan.
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Location: Memphis, TN
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Today one of my sister friends called and said," even her own mother has turned her back on her!".
Note: the above post is humor and not meant to be taken seriously, well not too much.
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Originally Posted by desperatesister
My sister is 50 years old and is making her own choices. I am NOT helping her.
Normies don't get it. I've gotten all those comments, too. I'm to the point now that I don't even feel the need to respond.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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Originally Posted by m1k3
Maybe you can gently suggest that her friend can feel free to pick up the slack?
Note: the above post is humor and not meant to be taken seriously, well not too much.
Note: the above post is humor and not meant to be taken seriously, well not too much.
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Originally Posted by m1k3
Maybe you can gently suggest that her friend can feel free to pick up the slack?
Note: the above post is humor and not meant to be taken seriously, well not too much.
Note: the above post is humor and not meant to be taken seriously, well not too much.
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Location: Midwest, USA
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And we do not realize that likely every damn conversation we have with them is a snow job. I look back on relationships with addicts and alcoholics I have had and realize that I was completely taken and I can now identify things they purposely said to make it seem like there was no problem.
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desperatesister,
Keep up the good work. You do not need to answer the phone every time it rings - you deserve momemts of peace, quiet and serenity.
Maybe, just maybe what everyone is really saying with their "So you're really not going to help her?" question is "Wow, we're so proud of you for staying strong and not enabling your sister anymore!" What do ya think!!! (Just trying to put a positive spin on it.)
Keep up the good work. You do not need to answer the phone every time it rings - you deserve momemts of peace, quiet and serenity.
Maybe, just maybe what everyone is really saying with their "So you're really not going to help her?" question is "Wow, we're so proud of you for staying strong and not enabling your sister anymore!" What do ya think!!! (Just trying to put a positive spin on it.)
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Florence
Are you reading my mind? I was thinking this VERY thing this morning. It's tough not to conclude that the eventual reason the As love us and stay with us is that we're easy to snow.
Seriously, though, so many of us think and say the exact same things so often, it is creepy sometimes. Makes me feel better, though, to know others are just as affected as I am, in the same ways. It's how I know I am not crazy.
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