Advice needed: The thin line between enabling and caring
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: OC, Ca
Posts: 13
Advice needed: The thin line between enabling and caring
Hi all,
I posted here a while back about my 20 year old son. I kicked him out in March of this year for using. He entered outpatient treatment when he was 14 and he was sober for 3 years. He had a few relapses, but they didn't last long and he maintained sobrierty. It's been the last 1 that he is really struggling with sobrierty.
After he was kicked out in March, he only lasted 1 week on the streets. He cleaned up and I allowed him to come back home based on a contract I created. The contract was the basics: get a job; do chores; stay sober; etc.
He did everything. He had a great job and he was the most responsible I have ever seen him. He also has a history of cutting and suicide thoughts and mental health issues. He has been in mental wards several times since he was 14. Most stays no longer than 1 week.
He cut himself very badly in June in his car alone and left a note. He was parked at one of his AA meetings and his friends found him. He went to the hospital and was stitched up and released a few days later. He never went back to work after the release and has been on a downward spiral.
I confronted him July 20 if he was using again - I could just tell.
He said yes. We went to his counseling appointment July 23 and his counselor said that he would be able get him a patch, like a nicotine patch, that would curb the desire for drugs. My son was using synthetic marijuana. My son stayed clean for a day or two at most while we were waiting for the prescription for the patch to come through.
July 28 he was supposed to go to a sober dance with friends. I had mother's intuition late in the day that he never went. I called his friends, and nope he wasn't with them.
The next day my son told me he's voluntarily becoming homeless. He said he has never felt so free from responsibilities, bills, and this is the first time he hasn't felt like hurting himself.
I know that drugs are false happiness - I don't think he knows that.
July 31 we went to another appointment with the counselor - my son said he didn't want the patch anymore. The counselor said he would be able to put him into inpatient that day.
For the first time in my son's addict life he said he didn't want help. Prior to this, he has always asked for help.
Now, my question after the long winded background.
I have changed my locks, told him he can't visit me in my home, he can not come home if he's not sober. I am not giving him any money. The only thing I am paying for is his prescibed non-narcotic medicine for depression.
I am in Al-anon and know about co-depedency and enabling but I am having a hard time knowing really what is enabling when someone becomes homeless voluntarily.
Should I never buy him a coffee if we want to meet up and visit? Do I not call him? Any advice is more than greatly appeciated.
Thank you
I posted here a while back about my 20 year old son. I kicked him out in March of this year for using. He entered outpatient treatment when he was 14 and he was sober for 3 years. He had a few relapses, but they didn't last long and he maintained sobrierty. It's been the last 1 that he is really struggling with sobrierty.
After he was kicked out in March, he only lasted 1 week on the streets. He cleaned up and I allowed him to come back home based on a contract I created. The contract was the basics: get a job; do chores; stay sober; etc.
He did everything. He had a great job and he was the most responsible I have ever seen him. He also has a history of cutting and suicide thoughts and mental health issues. He has been in mental wards several times since he was 14. Most stays no longer than 1 week.
He cut himself very badly in June in his car alone and left a note. He was parked at one of his AA meetings and his friends found him. He went to the hospital and was stitched up and released a few days later. He never went back to work after the release and has been on a downward spiral.
I confronted him July 20 if he was using again - I could just tell.
He said yes. We went to his counseling appointment July 23 and his counselor said that he would be able get him a patch, like a nicotine patch, that would curb the desire for drugs. My son was using synthetic marijuana. My son stayed clean for a day or two at most while we were waiting for the prescription for the patch to come through.
July 28 he was supposed to go to a sober dance with friends. I had mother's intuition late in the day that he never went. I called his friends, and nope he wasn't with them.
The next day my son told me he's voluntarily becoming homeless. He said he has never felt so free from responsibilities, bills, and this is the first time he hasn't felt like hurting himself.
I know that drugs are false happiness - I don't think he knows that.
July 31 we went to another appointment with the counselor - my son said he didn't want the patch anymore. The counselor said he would be able to put him into inpatient that day.
For the first time in my son's addict life he said he didn't want help. Prior to this, he has always asked for help.
Now, my question after the long winded background.
I have changed my locks, told him he can't visit me in my home, he can not come home if he's not sober. I am not giving him any money. The only thing I am paying for is his prescibed non-narcotic medicine for depression.
I am in Al-anon and know about co-depedency and enabling but I am having a hard time knowing really what is enabling when someone becomes homeless voluntarily.
Should I never buy him a coffee if we want to meet up and visit? Do I not call him? Any advice is more than greatly appeciated.
Thank you
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I think it is OK to buy someone a coffee. I think you should call him as pleases you. But if you're calling to try to help him, you'd probably need to step back and think about your motivations. I know there are several moms on the F&F of Substance Abusers forum who would likely give you some good feedback on this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello OCHalo, and pleased to "meet" you 
The general rule for enabling is "do for others only what they cannot do for themselves". The way I see it, that leaves very little for me to do. I look first at my motives, am I doing something with the intent of influencing their behavior? I look at whether my actions will make it _easier_ for them to continue in their self-destructive behavior; am I removing some of the painful consequences of their own actions?
Buying a cup of coffee? I would look at whether I would normally do that for an acquaintance from my work, who is living a perfectly normal life without addiction. If it were just an acquaintance I would buy the coffee _half_ of the time, not all of the time.
I think that sometimes it can be really difficult to find the "line" between enabling and helping. Sometimes I have done things that looking back were a little over the line, but at the time I really could not tell. For me, I try to do the best I can today, and hope that tomorrow I will be wiser and do better.
Mike
The general rule for enabling is "do for others only what they cannot do for themselves". The way I see it, that leaves very little for me to do. I look first at my motives, am I doing something with the intent of influencing their behavior? I look at whether my actions will make it _easier_ for them to continue in their self-destructive behavior; am I removing some of the painful consequences of their own actions?
Buying a cup of coffee? I would look at whether I would normally do that for an acquaintance from my work, who is living a perfectly normal life without addiction. If it were just an acquaintance I would buy the coffee _half_ of the time, not all of the time.
I think that sometimes it can be really difficult to find the "line" between enabling and helping. Sometimes I have done things that looking back were a little over the line, but at the time I really could not tell. For me, I try to do the best I can today, and hope that tomorrow I will be wiser and do better.
Mike
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