Jhazira

I don't really know where to start but I'll do my best. I'm a 21 year old girl and I'm bipolar (I do take medication and I was diagnosed several years ago). I have struggled with addiction in various forms and self-destructive habits my whole life, but ever since I turned 21 I've been drinking every day if I can help it. I don't feel comfortable or okay being sober and I try to be "altered" in some way all the time.

I'm prescribed Adderall for ADD so I take that during the day which gives me somewhat of a high, and I drink at night until I'm drunk enough to sleep. I don't currently have a job so sometimes when I don't have enough money to get alcohol, I steal a bit from my parents. When I can't or feel too guilty to take money, I have taken oxycodone that's prescribed to my dad just so I don't have to be sober and think. He always has extra so I never make him short, but stealing money and pills makes me feel like the most disgusting, despicable, lowest person on Earth. Every time I steal or drink or use I feel like a part of me dies. But I still do it.

I have no one to talk to about this. My dad is a recovering alcoholic (sober for 2 years) and my mom wouldn't judge me but I'm still too ashamed to tell them. I only have 2 close friends, and one wouldn't understand and the other is just as, if not more, ****** up than I am. I just feel so helpless and alone. I'm going to college in September so hopefully that'll be a distraction but I know the sickness will still be there.

I don't know how to deal with life or my emotions and I don't like myself. I can't commit myself to relationships because I don't/can't trust people. I don't even trust myself. I don't let myself get close to anyone because I'm afraid of getting hurt by someone other than myself. I'm selfish, I'm a liar, I'm a thief, and I'm a bad person. I do want to change but at the same time I'm terrified. I've gotten so used to the way I am that I don't know how to be normal. I don't really know what I'm trying to say but I guess I'm just looking for support and understanding. I'm open to suggestions but please don't recommend AA or 12 step programs; I don't agree with the steps and I believe there are other ways to be healthy and sober. I just don't know how.

Thanks for reading this far, I know I wrote a novel.

Emma18

Hey mate, I understand what you're talking about entirely. I held off from telling my parents for years, and it destroyed the trust that we had. It's getting better very slowly, but not having the lies and deception thrown in the mix helps me immeasurably. I actually felt a weight lift off my shoulders when they found out - I didn't need to lie about everything anymore...

Personally I went to AA, not because I wanted to do the program but because it was the only in my area and I just needed to be around other people who had the same problem. If you can find that elsewhere, then all the more to you - I just wasn't in that box.

Being young as well, I can understand the trouble you have with peer groups and all that. It's difficult to seperate. If you want to chat send me a message.

Innerchild

Welcome you came to the right place. Its great that you noticed you have addiction problems at a young age. I would suggest getting help for it now so you do not have to struggle with it throughout your life it only gets worse. Have you tried therapy or even group therapy related to depression, bi polar and addiction? May be a good idea to check it out for help especially before you start college. Good luck and I wish you the best