MediumIcedCoffe

Hi, I am brand new here and I am trying to figure this place out. I was referred by someone to visit this place. I was told I would get awesome help here.

I would like to know how to help my boyfriend of 4 years realize that he needs help. I know that I can not force anything on him and he has to want to get help for himself.

Ive expressed many times that the drinking is making me unhappy and resentful of him. However my "nagging" has done nothing but make him lie and avoid his drinking problem.

He favorite line is "but I am a lot better than I use to be". Use to be was drinking almost every night of the week, and if he wasnt drinking that one night it was because he was to hung over from the night before.

Now he drinks 2-3 times a week. But he drinks to the point of passing out. He is very selfish, I feel like there is always an excuse. He has to drink because he had a bad day, he needs to drink because he work hard, its Friday he deserves it.

The boiling point was reached this past weekend when he came home early from a guys night out and passed out drunk on the floor in front our daughter. My daughter was trying to play with him and of course he wouldnt budge. It left me sick to my stomach.

I tried to talk to him last night. That I hate the drinking, it makes me hate my life, and that I wont ever let that happened to my daughter again. He says nothing to me. Infact he clearly ignores me and turns up the tv.

So what do I do? In the past he has admitted his addiction and knew he needed help. But now he is all better because "he doesnt drink as often"

Im lost with myself and lost with our relationship. I want this to work but I know life is to short to be unhappy and subjected to this behavior.

Any help is greatly appericiated. Im sorry it turned more into a rant.

Happier

Sorry you are having to deal with all of this. Unfortunately drinking affects so many more people than just the drinker. I am slow to give advice but do encourage you to read more posts in the "Friends and Family" and the other forums. You will find discussions by a lot of people just like you in similar circumstances. You are not alone and I agree that this site will be a help to you.
Wishing you peace and and trust that you will will find the path that is right for you and your daughter.

NYCDoglvr

This should be a big red flag. It's one of the worse things a child can be exposed to and a reason to consider making major changes in your life. I think you've learned that there is nothing you can do or say that will get him to stop drinking. As a recovering alcoholic (20 years) I can tell you that booze is an active drunk's higher power, God, best friend, most important thing in life. Alcoholism is progressive, there's nothing anyone can do to stop the disease except putting down the drink. I'm sorry you're in such a bad situation, I'm praying for you.

MediumIcedCoffe

Is there any way for me to help him understand that he has a problem? Im sure no. I just dont know how to walk away completely without trying to work on it. I know this isnt something I can do all on my own, I want to help him. But I guess he just doesnt want the help?

m1k3

Welcome to SR,

You have found a great resource here with tons of experience, strength, hope and wisdom. One of the first things I learned was the 3 c's.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

My wife's drinking was totally her own choice. She could choose to drink or not but it was out of my control. Once I gave up focusing on her I could start to focus on me. One of the first things I did was join Al-Anon. This is a support group for friends and family of alcoholics. It is a program that taught me how to take care of myself, focus on my recovery and begin to put my life in order as it was a shambles from so many years of focusing on my alcoholic. I highly recommend it.

Please read and post here a lot as well. I found it great just to be able to communicate with people who knew what I was going through.

As for your boyfriend, there is nothing you can do to make it better. He has to want it himself. I found that by letting go and giving my wife the dignity of making her own decisions that my life became much easier. I was no longer carrying the burden of trying to fix something that was beyond my ability to fix. It was my first step in my journey to a saner me.

Your friend,

LuvMySis

MIC, it sounds like he just isn't ready to quit drinking yet. Try to do something to ease the strain on yourself, such as setting a boundary. You could start out with something small like, "If ABF is drunk, I will take my daughter into the other room and watch television with her." Someone else can better explain boundary-setting to you than me.

Happier

I totally agree with M1K3. Please keep reading the "Friends and Family" forum to see what others in your situation are going through. Also read the "Newcomers to Recovery", the "Alcoholism" and others posts so you might see how bad it usually gets.

It sounds to me like you have been patient and have already made a valiant, however futile, attempt to help him. (remember, it is up to him and you can not control it)
You say that you don't want to "walk away without trying to work on it" but I predict that the advice you'll get from others that have lived in your shoes and from the Alcoholics themselves is to not walk....but RUN! Please don't get sucked farther into this life-draining situation. You and your daughter deserve so much better.
Sorry, I said I wasn't going to give advice but your story really struck home with me. My Dad was an alcoholic, I struggle with it and it scares me to see others on the edge of this pit.

Happier

I'm sorry.. I probably said too much. Not my place to give such important "advice" not knowing the entire situation. Please take it with a grain of salt and I wish you all the best with a decision that only you can make. So glad you are seeking help with it though. Others in here will be better resources.
All the best.

ZiggyB

The only thing you can do is tell him how you feel...

I was in the same situation as you, my "nagging" just drove him to hide his drinking or to go out and get drunk with his friends. Soon he just started telling me to shut up about it. Of course that did not go over very well.

You can't make anyone stop drinking. I tried to reason with my axbf for years but there is something about the disease that causes them to resent anyone who wants to interfere with their "supply".

Sadly you may need to just break things off.

-z

LuvMySis

Happier, I don't think you said too much at all. That was a very helpful post.

The sad fact is, there's so much heartache and stress on this forum that all help is appreciated. None of us really know what the answer is. We can only speak from our personal experience.

I wish none of us had to go through this crap. There is so much sadness and despair . . .

Learn2Live

Hi MediumIcedCoffee, to SR. Here are my responses to your post.

No, there isn't.

Yes, you do. In the meantime, your daughter is being more affected than you understand.

First, you CAN'T help him. Second, he does not NEED or WANT help. Third, what we think is "helping" an alcoholic or addict is actually hurting them. The best thing you can do for the alcoholic is take the best care of yourself and your daughter as you possibly can. IMO, this means getting away from the alcoholic.

It may be obvious to you and the rest of the world that he needs help, but it is not obvious, or even in the realm of possibility, to him. You've already told him how many times? He has not heard you and will not hear you. Please keep reading around this forum and you will see many stories just like yours.

kmkluvr1

Hello Medium Iced coffee, and welcome, this is a great place and will help alot. "Life is too short to be unhappy" as you said and it is so true. Alcoholism is progressive and it will only get worse,

1 question: Do you want to spend your life with an alcoholic?
1 answer : No

sounds so simple, but i know it is very hard. Stay strong and do what makes you happy, think of your daughter.

MediumIcedCoffe

Thank you all, any words or wisdom is helpful.

Im afarid that getting way might be the only option. Ive made an appt for myself to start counseling to help deal with my situation. Im kind of embarrassed about it but I know it will help.

Hugs to everyone!

m1k3

Please try Alanon. It is not for the alcoholic it is for us who have been effected by the chaos of living with an alcoholic.

It will not help you help him to stop drinking, what it will do is give you a set of tools that will help you learn how to get better, to regain your sanity and your serenity.

I highly recommend it as it has done wonders for me. If you do attended try to go for 6 meetings to give it a chance and try more than one meeting. They each have a different flavor. I went to 5 or 6 until I found the one that is best for me.

I can speak from experience that it is well worth it and you will be with a group of people who know exactly what you are going through. Just knowing I wasn't alone was a huge relief.

Your friend,

scacra1

Hi,
Your situation mirrors my own. My A has done exactly the same, stopped drinking every night and now only drinks Fri/sat. He's even learning how to not get drunk each time he drinks. But in reality his whole existence is built around trying to please my expectations of his drinking, i strongly believe that he is going through a secret hell, and doing as much drinking that he feels he can get away with. I'm sure its all a case of him managing both the drink and me so he doesn't have to give either one of us up.
will that work? of course not.
The folks on here teach you that alcoholism is progressive, so they wont stay like this for too long, it will get worse.
As for me, im kind of coming to terms with it, the sad truth, but not ready to act on it yet... but i will. in time.
In the mean time, keep sharing, its good to know you're not alone!

Freedom1990

Counseling/therapy has been a valuable resource for me over the years. There is nothing to be embarrassed about, dear.

Alanon has also been a lifesaver for me, and the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie really opened up my eyes to the unhealthy beliefs and actions that my life had become.

You have landed among people who care, and I hope you continue to post as much as you need!

Sending you lots of hugs on the Kansas winds.