mirya

I left my alcoholic this Summer, moving cross-country to attend grad school. We did not break up then, but maintained a long-distance relationship until this fall. He had been getting progressively worse before I left, and then he just sort of fell apart. Things got really strange and really manipulative, until finally he ended things in a really nasty fashion. Its been horrible and stressful and I can't seem to keep my head on straight from one day to the next. The thing is, I finally reached a point where I said, "I can't take this anymore. I love him, but I can't have in my life like this." But he can't seem to let go, and inspite of all my efforts I can't seem to either. He'll call drunk out of the blue and swearing he'll do this and that and begging me to wait for him to get straightened out and how he loves me and wants to marry me...and then nothing for weeks but I always know he'll call again. I don't believe him anymore, but I dread that next call and the feelings it might stir up in me if I'm not careful. I could just change my phone number..but I know I won't. Besides, I live with other people that would be incovenienced by the change. I recently put my foot down in a short letter to him...saying if you can't fully be in my life in a healthy way then just let me move on. But what if he calls...will I have the strength to slam the phone down? Or will I be able to say something compassionate but firm about my position. How do I stop dreading the damn "what-if" call and move on? And I wish I understand how he can be that way--how he can talk to me for ages and block it out. I tell myself he is sick and that its just the alcohol messing with his head--but I wish it would stop messing with mine! Its all so sad that it has come to this--at one time we planned to marry and have a family...a part of me still wants that. And as much as I struggle for my own independence, every day I say a prayer that he'll just get well even if I never patch things up with him. I think he'll probably be dead in 5 years--and I'll be successful. That makes me feel so guilty--and I know its not my fault! Ugh! Please, has anyone been in a situation like this? I could use some insight! --Mirya

osier59

Mirya,
There are many here who have similar stories and situations. It sound to me that you are beginning to set some boundaries and are trying to maintain them. It's difficult to do, believe me. If you dont already attend face to face Al Anon meetings, I highly recommend that you try to do so.

I am one of those people who work better if I have a visual picture in my head. My ex A reminded me of Kaa in the Jungle Book - the python who hypnotized Mowgli. He would sing a beautiful soothing song to the boy who would begin to walk towards the snake with his eyes spinning - very much hypnotized. Although Kaa was singing a sweet song, the truth was that he wanted to squeeze the life out of Mowgli! SO - I wrote sticky notes that said "KAA" on them. I put one on every phone and one on the front door to remind myself that the sweet words and crying and begging and pleading and promising were coming from a SICK person... one who would probably squeeze the life out of me if he didnt get help. And you know what? Those silly little notes helped. I was able to grab the strength I needed - and sometimes that meant not answering the phone and just letting his call go to the answering machine so I could listen it to it when I felt stronger!

I wish you all the best. Keep coming back. Be sure to read the power posts at the top of the forum. You'll find lots of good suggestions and ideas.... lots of experience, strength and hope from the other people on this forum!

Hugs
Barb

JT

Mirya,

Oh yes...many of us are in the same situation. I have a son, others have fiancé's, brothers, sisters or spouses but the story is the same.

You mention guilt...that is what keeps us making the wrong choices. There is a saying about insanity is about doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. Guilt gets us nowhere and believe me they will use it in any way they can.

Alcoholics do what alcoholic do...they manipulate us to the point where we think we are losing our minds...we think WE are wrong. Sometimes merely hearing their voice is enough to make us forget everything we vowed to say.

You did good by moving on to do what you wanted to do in your life. You are moving forward and you can't drag him with you. You also don't have to go back to join him in his life. Perhaps it was not meant to be.

Hugs,
JT

LivingWithHope

I have found that two things that addicts are the best at are guilt trips and manipulations (along w/ lies, stealing, creating chaos, etc.) but the guilt trips and the manipulations are what seem to keep us codies going in the drama. You have made the right step in moving forward w/ your life despite what he is doing. Now, keep making the baby steps further and further. I know how hard it is to not answer the phone or to keep your foot down while trying to hold that boundary - but the one time you do it you will feel soooo much better and hey, it will make the next time easier!! You may not have total control over the dreaded feeling, but you do have control over what you do w/ that feeling.

About boundaries - it wasn't until I finally put my foot down and kept my boundary that my AH realized that I was serious and is now seeking serious recovery. Will he continue, all I can do is say a prayer and hope so and plan on what my move will be if he relapses b/c all I am in control of is me (well, sortof ) The last time he relapsed I told him that he was not coming home and for the three days that he was in the hospital he swore to the drs that I was going to let him home. It wasn't until he heard from my mouth that I was getting a restraining order did he realize that I was serious. My point...hold onto whatever boundary you make w/ him no matter how small it may seem. If you tell him, "If you call and you are drunk, I will hang up - period. If you call and are sober, then we can talk". You will be amazed at the difference it makes.

In the meantime, keep doing what you are doing - go after your dreams and take care of yourself and don't feel guilty for the good choices that you have made for YOUR life and don't feel guilty for the bad choices that HE has made for his life. You can love him, you can support him, but YOU can't change him!

Blessings and good luck in grad school.

mirya

Wow! Thanks everyone for the warm welcome and encouraging words--I really needed to hear I was on the right track. Actually, I have something positive to report. Tonight, I did something for me and registered for an Improvisation Acting class. I used to pursue acting quite seriously, but it was one of the things that "slipped by the wayside" as I became more and more obsessed with his problems. Well, here's to hope and I'll keep everyone posted. I'd love to hear more from everyone--its always good to hear from others that understand! Thanks again, Mirya

patti z

I am glad to see some happiness come from all of the miseries that come from alcoholism!! Good Luck!! Patti