About me.

Old 08-06-2012, 12:11 AM
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About me.

All my previous posts have been about understanding my BF and his situation. Well today ive just taken the day off work, whilst he has gone to work. i never take days off work but now i feel drained.
i feel like ive become obsessed with this situation! spending all my time reading up on it, coming on here and trying to gain more understanding, then when im not doing that im trying to talk to him about controlling his issue. ive now cottoned on to the fact that im co-dependant and that will probably be the next subject to engulf my time.
i spend the rest of my time wondering if i should leave him, trying to convince myself that i don't need to and everything will be okay.
I'm 35 and we are due to get married in June next year, we have been trying for a baby, i dont have any children and would love to have one. I then wonder if im crazy... should i really be doing this with him given my concerns? but then if i leave maybe i will lose my chance of happiness and never marry or have children.
No wonder im drained and now his illness is affecting me.
i guess i just wanted to share my thoughts. if anyone has any similar experiences/advice please share!
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Old 08-06-2012, 02:19 AM
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Err... are you sure you want to be possibly 9 months pregnant while walking down the aisle?

And I would ask that question of anyone, regardless of whether the boyfriend was an alcoholic or teetotaller.
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Old 08-06-2012, 03:36 AM
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We've been trying for 12 months now so in all honesty were not sure how likely it is that we will even conceive.
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Old 08-06-2012, 04:10 AM
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Having been raised with an alcoholic father (notice I say "with" and not "by" an alcoholic father), I STRONGLY recommend you do NOT have children with him. If you want to be obsessed with his drinking, be obsessed about finding out just what being raised in an alcoholic home does to children and the people they grow into. You can start by reading the two lists I posted yesterday here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3520623

As for your obsession with BF's alcoholism, yes, that is normally what brings us here and to Al-Anon, an unhealthy, often paralyzing, frightening obsession with someone else's behavior, words, and actions. The long and short of it? Sick people will make you sick. To treat your obsession I recommend Al-Anon. How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
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Old 08-06-2012, 04:21 AM
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Thanks.
My partners father was a serious alcoholic and reading down the lists he fits all of the criteria.
when we chatted last night i asked if he could see what his drinking does to me, to which he replied that he couldn't?, that he's not doing anyone any harm if he is just drinking and not actually getting drunk, he's just sitting in the house with me, being nice, and not bothering anyone.
how do i answer that? i know its his defence.. i know its wrong but cant articulate why?
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Old 08-06-2012, 04:45 AM
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My husband was exactly the same.... just sitting quietly at home and drinking, not causing any trouble, going to work and having a great career. The drinking increased so slowly that neither of us really paid any attention. Now 15 years later he is a full blown alcoholic and NEEDS it. He's already started losing his reputation, is in great danger of losing his job which means also losing our house. Next time there's a police check he will very likely get arrested for drunk driving. And if a miracle doesn't occur soon then he's going to lose his wife (me), too.

Thank God we don't have children. I'm having a tough enough time with the way he's handling, or rather mis-handling our two dogs. I can no longer trust him alone with them. I can't even trust him to take off his muddy shoes before crawling into bed and passing out!

And he is doing harm. He is harming his health. Alcohol is a poison. If alcohol were discovered or invented today there is no way that it would be allowed to be sold without a doctor's prescription. And by harming his health he is harming any longer-term future with you.

Keep reading and learn more about alcoholism. Unless your boyfriend recognises the danger and does something about it, your future will best case end up like mine, and worst case like many of the other people on this forum who are in serious physical, mental and emotional danger.
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Old 08-06-2012, 05:10 AM
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Sacra-

I am thirty five and don't have children either. I wanted them, and married who I thought I would have them with. Two weeks after being married I got a huge wake up call. My ex was so drunk that he punched a window and kicked our dog at the time.

The next day he did not remember it.

He never had another drinking episode that got violent like that, but he did have other drinking episodes, every few months.

I had seen some flags before getting married but it got really scary afterwards. No he did not drink all the time, but I walked around on eggshells all the time which was not good for me, nor would it have been good for kids.

I am working on the whole kid question pretty hard right now. I am not going to lie though. I might regret that I did not have kids in the long run, but I don't regret not having them in my relationship. For some reason I could not do what was best for me in that marriage very well (until the end), but it feels like I did do what was best for any potential children. My hats go off to all the "single" (many here are single in raising their kids even when married) parents as I don't know if I have it in me to do that. My dogs, home etc have been challenging enough.

Gently, if you are able to recognized adult children traits in him....is it what you would like for your offspring?
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Old 08-06-2012, 05:30 AM
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Originally Posted by scacra1 View Post
how do i answer that? i know its his defence..
You can't. And it doesn't matter how you answer it anyway because he is not going to believe you and there is another defense waiting just behind the one he gave you, ad infinitum.

i know its wrong but cant articulate why?
Is this a question?

It helps me to think of alcoholism this way: Alcoholism is a disease. And the disease is like a parasite that you CANNOT kill. It invades the body of the alcoholic when the alcoholic takes his first drink. Like a teeny tiny worm at the bottom of a tequila bottle. And once that alcoholic drinks this parasite, the parasite starts to slowly grow. The parasite feeds and survives on alcohol only. And after some time, the parasite grows into a monster that takes over the alcoholic, directs his every thought, decision, word, behavior, and action. The monster controls the alcoholic and his life. Which then controls or affects an average of FOUR other people, including us. (Those who are closest to the alcoholic are the most affected). The alcoholic's thinking and motivations become solely the consumption of more and more alcohol.

You cannot reason with, or teach, an active alcoholic. And you cannot make the alcoholic stop drinking or change his behavior, his thoughts, or his motivations.
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Old 08-06-2012, 05:35 AM
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Its so tough isn't it.
My partner has already had a ban from driving, its up now but he hasn't got his licence back.
He would be a perfect father 80% of the time, i know that. His drinking is going in the opposite direction, which probably gives me false hope, for 5 years he drank every night and all day on a weekend (pre me) but now its just fri/sat night and he trys not to get drunk. So this is the part that fools me - the effort that he makes for me... which fools me to thinking that maybe we'll be okay, he's trying so hard, but the problem is as ive learned on here, he seems to be doing it for me. when im not about he slips, so now we spend most of out time together... which i know is wrong.
As for being 35 and childless... well that pains me so much. im not so desperate for a baby that i would have one in any situation (hence the reason that i am 35 and childless!) but i keep seeing a ray of hope as each day he tries to improve... and if it keeps getting better then it seems possible... although with what i learn on here this doesnt seem realistic, but its my situation right now.
i need to find a way to work all this through an being on here helps me with this.
and nope, i dont want a child to pick up his traits, i will only do the right thing in the end.
Liferecovery - thanks for sharing the info about you not having children, its nice to know that i am no the only one as often i feel like it!
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Old 08-06-2012, 05:40 AM
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Thanks learn to live.
All roads lead to Rome. 'im wasting my time'
soon, i will have to take some action.
I feel a dawn of realisation is about to occur.
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Old 08-06-2012, 07:09 AM
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i'm with you on the baby issue, scacra. i'm thirty two and VERY aware of my biological clock. i saw glimpses of my amazing xabf through all of his drunkenness, and know that if he ever found long-term sobriety AND faced his underlying issues, he would be one hell of a daddy! he, too, wants children. in fact, one of the things he said to me when he begged for me to come back to him in december, was that he was so excited for us to someday turn one of the spare bedrooms into a nursery! me and my baby fever fell for that hook, line, and sinker. i'm a traditionalist when it comes to having kids, and wanted to wait until we were married, but it was not in the cards, and instead of moving forward as couple, he flipped out on me one night and kicked me out. i'm grateful that we didn't have a baby, but still long for one in my life. i'm hoping that, when the time comes, i will be in a healthy relationship.
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Old 08-06-2012, 07:16 AM
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please go to a 12 step program (al anon) and dont do anything hesty until you at least have a year of al anon under your belt...(baby and marriage)...it will still all be there within the year...

maybe post pone the wedding? dunno...

al anon will make things become so clearer for you...

3As
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Old 08-06-2012, 07:20 AM
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It's that 20%...

Originally Posted by scacra1 View Post
He would be a perfect father 80% of the time,
... that is going to get you. And get your innocent child. Having a child is a VERY stressful undertaking, and that's if you have no other issues going on. I doubt that he will make a complete turnaround just because there is a child in the house. Adding a stressor will probably only make it worse.

The "80%" that you write about will be way overshadowed when the ugly 20% rears its ugly head. Please don't bring an innocent human being into the World when you have so many doubts...

Just my opinion.
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Old 08-06-2012, 07:22 AM
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FYI - I'm 37 and just had my first child. I'm thankful that I waited until my life wasn't such a wreck.
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Old 08-06-2012, 07:55 AM
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I fear i know what you all say is true.
Silly question, but is Al anon available for family too? even if my partner doesn't attend? I thought that it was mainly for the alcoholic and focused on them.

thanks
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Old 08-06-2012, 08:16 AM
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Hmm, I think you've gotten AA and Alanon a bit confused.

AA is Alcoholics Anonymous and is for alcoholics to work on their drinking problems.

Alanon is for friends and family of the alcoholics, to work on their problems which involve someone else's drinking.

Alateen is for younger folks, usually teen children of alcoholics. There is also another group which is for Adult Children of Alcoholics.
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Old 08-06-2012, 08:20 AM
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I'm male, 34. I really wanted to have a child with my AW too. I partly thought the might stop drinking if she got pregnant. I knew then it wouldn't work, but i thought it was worth trying, and the talked me into it.

Now iI am so glad that it never happened. I see the way she treats her own daughter, she just passes her off on her parents or me. Never taking responsibley for her own child. As long as she will let me I will stay in my step daughters life, my father was an alcoholic too, and it is terrible for the children. I'm just beginning to see it now, again.
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Old 08-06-2012, 08:29 AM
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Long ago, when I first realized what alcoholism and addiction actually meant, I became resolute that it is my duty and responsibility to protect my unborn children from having an alcoholic, addicted, or otherwise dysfunctional parent.
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Old 08-06-2012, 08:30 AM
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Originally Posted by scacra1 View Post
but then if i leave maybe i will lose my chance of happiness and never marry or have children.
I'm here to tell you that marrying an alcoholic and having children with him is not happiness. In fact, quite the opposite. If I had it to do over again, I would think long and hard about who I chose to be the father of my children.

L
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Old 08-06-2012, 09:11 AM
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Originally Posted by scacra1 View Post
He would be a perfect father 80% of the time, i know that. His drinking is going in the opposite direction, which probably gives me false hope, for 5 years he drank every night and all day on a weekend (pre me) but now its just fri/sat night and he trys not to get drunk. So this is the part that fools me - the effort that he makes for me... which fools me to thinking that maybe we'll be okay, he's trying so hard, but the problem is as ive learned on here, he seems to be doing it for me. when im not about he slips, so now we spend most of out time together... which i know is wrong. thing in the end.
My loved one would have been a fun and loving father....but the rest of it would have been in my hands. How much of that is alcohol and how much of that is personality I don't know. That is how he was with our dogs, and it worked out great with our fun loving Golden, but was much harder to deal with when we had a dog with some issues.

I truly believe that happiness does not have to come in the traditional family package, (maybe kids come into my life via adoption for instance), but I don't know that I am healthy right now for that.

Al-Anon helped me a lot too just for the record, as did therapy.
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