In need of advice: dealing with recovering alcoholic boyfriend
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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In need of advice: dealing with recovering alcoholic boyfriend
Hi, I am in need of advice on what should I do, what can I do, is there anything that can be done sort of thing. I'm new to these boards so please bear with me.
There is a lot of backstory information to this so I apologize about that.
Here goes nothing:
2.5 years ago I met my boyfriend (?- will explain that later) while we both were working on cruise ships. He was not shy about telling me that he was 1.5 years sober. He tried the AA route too, but it didn't take as well so he gets by with very little outside help. In those 1.5 years he said he slipped up twice. During the first year of our relationship it was rather rocky. He would get really angry/upset with something and then completely break off our relationship or spend like a week away from me. Each time, I thought it was the end, broken hearted, tears, pain the whole nine yards. Each time, we were able to patch it up. In Feb of 2011 we split, this again was a huge shocker. It was over an argument about contracts. See being on ships, we spend a lot of time a part. But we were scheduled to be on the same ship together starting in May 2011. On June 9th he slipped up again, came pounding on my cabin door screaming at me to listen to him and talk to him, etc etc etc. When he sobered up and calmed down we were able to talk everything out. We ended up getting back together in June 2011 and have made it through some really huge and scary events including an abortion back in October. Our relationship was really really very good. I am not going to say we were perfect, we still had arguements. But there was a lot more talking this time around. We had one really major fight in March were we almost split up again but in the last year that is the one of two that I can think of that stands out
Until last Friday (July 27th). Other important information before friday's story. For the last 8 months at least, we have been planning on giving up cruise ships to come back to land and get an apartment together. For 8 months we talked about cities, places, jobs, etc etc etc. The goal was when his contract was up in July we would go meet each other's families, got to a wedding, then head out to Denver to look for places. He had another contract lined up starting in October til January but that was suppose to be the last long one. I said I had no problem with him going back out to up to 4 months just not longer.
THe week leading up to Friday was particularly stressful, I had to meet his mom & her new boyfriend (mom had a bitter angry divorce from Dad when he was 12 and has had about 4 other husbands and who knows how many bfs) his dad and his current wife, his brothers then take him to meet my family. I should also mention that leading up to this I was working 70 hour work weeks that includes traveling (like right now, I"m in a hotel in Alabama and I live in Chicago). I was emotionally drained, physically drained, mentally wrecked etc.
The Wednesday before he received an email saying his contract fell through. He was in a panic mode. All thursday we talked about was what we were to do, what was goign to happen, what next, over and over and over again. Thursday we flew to the destination and all day long all we talked about was options over and over again. Both wed& thurs night since he was so stressed, I didn't get any sleep since he tossed more than he slept. Friday morning he woke me up talking about options. And this is where the bad part comes in.
This was the day we were to go to his counsin's wedding. Now, this cousin had never been mentioned before until his wedding and he is playing a song. He is a musician. So I am trying to get ready and he keeps asking me what do and when did I want to move, all of these things. We started to argue. Then he said a line that he has said to me every time he left me and I snapped. I started packing up and was so angry that he wanted to pick a fight right then and now. We had a HUGE fight. Terrible fight. And YES, YES I have apologized over and over again, I do know I caused this fight. I do know that this fight is my fault and I completely over reacted. I didn't go to the wedding that day and left the hotel to figure everything out. Many hours later that day I tried to call and talk to him since I felt terrible and wanted to apologize, he basically told me that he was unstable and that he had to go work on his issues. He said he loved me but he didn't know what was goign to happen and he knew that things were changing fast.
He flew back home the next day and we haven't talked since except for one email I got from him saying 'I'm not sure what happens next. I've been filled with anxiety and maybe you have been too. I think it would be a good idea for us to separately figure out why we keep doing this. It's not healthy. I don't want to keep stressing over our issues. So right now I'm just going to concentrate on finding work. I have some issues of my to work through. So I won't be writing for a while, but I'll be thinking about you'.
So I don't know what to do or what can I do. A friend of mine who has been through recovery program was explaining to me that some of the ways that I was trying to be supportive were actually bad since he sees failure differently than me. He sees conflict differently than me, and the difference between what is healthy and what isn't. Over our time together he had a tendency to fly off the handle and start accusing me of what I have called the 'always syndrome'. We are great and then something goes wrong and I am 'always like this' or 'always like that'. We will be great for months get into an argument and now we are always fighting. Also this running away thing is something I don't understand completely.
I know I have been naive about this recovered but still an alcoholic truth. I am trying desperately to learn though now. I kept thinking that since he never really brought it up and seemed to be doing fine he was always fine. And in truth he is, unless there is a conflict and then all bets are off and he behaves like an immature child and I am normally left shunned for days. I heard through the grapevine that he just accepted an 8 month contract for March 2013-November. Which he did promise me that we would spend 2013 off ships. He doesn't even want to be on them so I don't understand why he keeps going back to them except it is the only way he knows how to make decent money playing music. He said he thinks of ships like waiting tables now, a dead end job that had a means to an end. SO Right now I don't know if I still have a boyfriend. I don't know if he is okay. I don't know how to approach him or what to do or even how to communicate with him properly right now. I want to make this right in any way that I can. He doesn't seem to accept my apology. Can anyone give me any advice on how to handle my situation?
There is a lot of backstory information to this so I apologize about that.
Here goes nothing:
2.5 years ago I met my boyfriend (?- will explain that later) while we both were working on cruise ships. He was not shy about telling me that he was 1.5 years sober. He tried the AA route too, but it didn't take as well so he gets by with very little outside help. In those 1.5 years he said he slipped up twice. During the first year of our relationship it was rather rocky. He would get really angry/upset with something and then completely break off our relationship or spend like a week away from me. Each time, I thought it was the end, broken hearted, tears, pain the whole nine yards. Each time, we were able to patch it up. In Feb of 2011 we split, this again was a huge shocker. It was over an argument about contracts. See being on ships, we spend a lot of time a part. But we were scheduled to be on the same ship together starting in May 2011. On June 9th he slipped up again, came pounding on my cabin door screaming at me to listen to him and talk to him, etc etc etc. When he sobered up and calmed down we were able to talk everything out. We ended up getting back together in June 2011 and have made it through some really huge and scary events including an abortion back in October. Our relationship was really really very good. I am not going to say we were perfect, we still had arguements. But there was a lot more talking this time around. We had one really major fight in March were we almost split up again but in the last year that is the one of two that I can think of that stands out
Until last Friday (July 27th). Other important information before friday's story. For the last 8 months at least, we have been planning on giving up cruise ships to come back to land and get an apartment together. For 8 months we talked about cities, places, jobs, etc etc etc. The goal was when his contract was up in July we would go meet each other's families, got to a wedding, then head out to Denver to look for places. He had another contract lined up starting in October til January but that was suppose to be the last long one. I said I had no problem with him going back out to up to 4 months just not longer.
THe week leading up to Friday was particularly stressful, I had to meet his mom & her new boyfriend (mom had a bitter angry divorce from Dad when he was 12 and has had about 4 other husbands and who knows how many bfs) his dad and his current wife, his brothers then take him to meet my family. I should also mention that leading up to this I was working 70 hour work weeks that includes traveling (like right now, I"m in a hotel in Alabama and I live in Chicago). I was emotionally drained, physically drained, mentally wrecked etc.
The Wednesday before he received an email saying his contract fell through. He was in a panic mode. All thursday we talked about was what we were to do, what was goign to happen, what next, over and over and over again. Thursday we flew to the destination and all day long all we talked about was options over and over again. Both wed& thurs night since he was so stressed, I didn't get any sleep since he tossed more than he slept. Friday morning he woke me up talking about options. And this is where the bad part comes in.
This was the day we were to go to his counsin's wedding. Now, this cousin had never been mentioned before until his wedding and he is playing a song. He is a musician. So I am trying to get ready and he keeps asking me what do and when did I want to move, all of these things. We started to argue. Then he said a line that he has said to me every time he left me and I snapped. I started packing up and was so angry that he wanted to pick a fight right then and now. We had a HUGE fight. Terrible fight. And YES, YES I have apologized over and over again, I do know I caused this fight. I do know that this fight is my fault and I completely over reacted. I didn't go to the wedding that day and left the hotel to figure everything out. Many hours later that day I tried to call and talk to him since I felt terrible and wanted to apologize, he basically told me that he was unstable and that he had to go work on his issues. He said he loved me but he didn't know what was goign to happen and he knew that things were changing fast.
He flew back home the next day and we haven't talked since except for one email I got from him saying 'I'm not sure what happens next. I've been filled with anxiety and maybe you have been too. I think it would be a good idea for us to separately figure out why we keep doing this. It's not healthy. I don't want to keep stressing over our issues. So right now I'm just going to concentrate on finding work. I have some issues of my to work through. So I won't be writing for a while, but I'll be thinking about you'.
So I don't know what to do or what can I do. A friend of mine who has been through recovery program was explaining to me that some of the ways that I was trying to be supportive were actually bad since he sees failure differently than me. He sees conflict differently than me, and the difference between what is healthy and what isn't. Over our time together he had a tendency to fly off the handle and start accusing me of what I have called the 'always syndrome'. We are great and then something goes wrong and I am 'always like this' or 'always like that'. We will be great for months get into an argument and now we are always fighting. Also this running away thing is something I don't understand completely.
I know I have been naive about this recovered but still an alcoholic truth. I am trying desperately to learn though now. I kept thinking that since he never really brought it up and seemed to be doing fine he was always fine. And in truth he is, unless there is a conflict and then all bets are off and he behaves like an immature child and I am normally left shunned for days. I heard through the grapevine that he just accepted an 8 month contract for March 2013-November. Which he did promise me that we would spend 2013 off ships. He doesn't even want to be on them so I don't understand why he keeps going back to them except it is the only way he knows how to make decent money playing music. He said he thinks of ships like waiting tables now, a dead end job that had a means to an end. SO Right now I don't know if I still have a boyfriend. I don't know if he is okay. I don't know how to approach him or what to do or even how to communicate with him properly right now. I want to make this right in any way that I can. He doesn't seem to accept my apology. Can anyone give me any advice on how to handle my situation?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 75
Hi there
Its wierd but the hardest part of my time (5 years) with my exAH partner was the 7months of her being sober. Your always reference is so aptt - I found her especially in any drama to be childish, immature and a true victim.
And I just woke up one day and realised thats just who she is. No one can tell you what do to but the simple question is do you want to put up with this forever ?
I used to think we were great bar the booze, I used to think we were great bar the arguments.. Pity it took me five years to see her for what she was.. Love shouldnt be hard....
take Care
Its wierd but the hardest part of my time (5 years) with my exAH partner was the 7months of her being sober. Your always reference is so aptt - I found her especially in any drama to be childish, immature and a true victim.
And I just woke up one day and realised thats just who she is. No one can tell you what do to but the simple question is do you want to put up with this forever ?
I used to think we were great bar the booze, I used to think we were great bar the arguments.. Pity it took me five years to see her for what she was.. Love shouldnt be hard....
take Care
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: wales
Posts: 22
hi, how are you feeling today? give him some time to get over your argument. you are like me, want to sort it and move on, your bf is like my other half, leaves it a few days then will talk. dont worry, you've had an argument over what seems to be stress more than everything. i cant say what will happen, but take a few days to calm down and think about what you want not what he wants. when he comes to you(which he will) ask him what he wants, and then you decide if he fits in with your plans.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Alanon. It will help you understand better the relationship as it was, the relationship as it is, and most importantly, yourself. Please read your own post and then honestly answer the following question: Is this the life I want, and is this what I want in a boyfriend?
The problem began when you thought it a good idea to start dating a recovering alcoholic who wasn't working a program, then ignore every single sign along the way telling you again it was a bad, bad, bad idea to continue doing so.
IMHO, without Alanon this will never end. Even if it ends with him you'll find another "him."
Take care and good luck. Please keep an open mind and try some Alanon meetings.
Cyranoak
The problem began when you thought it a good idea to start dating a recovering alcoholic who wasn't working a program, then ignore every single sign along the way telling you again it was a bad, bad, bad idea to continue doing so.
IMHO, without Alanon this will never end. Even if it ends with him you'll find another "him."
Take care and good luck. Please keep an open mind and try some Alanon meetings.
Cyranoak
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by cwitt 
During the first year of our relationship it was rather rocky. He would get really angry/upset with something and then completely break off our relationship or spend like a week away from me. Each time, I thought it was the end, broken hearted, tears, pain the whole nine yards. Each time, we were able to patch it up.
In Feb of 2011 we split, this again was a huge shocker. It was over an argument about contracts. See being on ships, we spend a lot of time a part. But we were scheduled to be on the same ship together starting in May 2011.
On June 9th he slipped up again, came pounding on my cabin door screaming at me to listen to him and talk to him, etc etc etc. When he sobered up and calmed down we were able to talk everything out.
We ended up getting back together in June 2011
We had one really major fight in March were we almost split up again but in the last year that is the one of two that I can think of that stands out
Until last Friday (July 27th).
He flew back home the next day and we haven't talked since except for one email I got from him saying 'I'm not sure what happens next. I've been filled with anxiety and maybe you have been too. I think it would be a good idea for us to separately figure out why we keep doing this. It's not healthy. I don't want to keep stressing over our issues. So right now I'm just going to concentrate on finding work. I have some issues of my to work through. So I won't be writing for a while, but I'll be thinking about you'.
Over our time together he had a tendency to fly off the handle and start accusing me of what I have called the 'always syndrome'. We are great and then something goes wrong and I am 'always like this' or 'always like that'. We will be great for months get into an argument and now we are always fighting. Also this running away thing is something I don't understand completely.
, unless there is a conflict and then all bets are off and he behaves like an immature child and I am normally left shunned for days.
I heard through the grapevine that he just accepted an 8 month contract for March 2013-November.
SO Right now I don't know if I still have a boyfriend.
In Feb of 2011 we split, this again was a huge shocker. It was over an argument about contracts. See being on ships, we spend a lot of time a part. But we were scheduled to be on the same ship together starting in May 2011.
On June 9th he slipped up again, came pounding on my cabin door screaming at me to listen to him and talk to him, etc etc etc. When he sobered up and calmed down we were able to talk everything out.
We ended up getting back together in June 2011
We had one really major fight in March were we almost split up again but in the last year that is the one of two that I can think of that stands out
Until last Friday (July 27th).
He flew back home the next day and we haven't talked since except for one email I got from him saying 'I'm not sure what happens next. I've been filled with anxiety and maybe you have been too. I think it would be a good idea for us to separately figure out why we keep doing this. It's not healthy. I don't want to keep stressing over our issues. So right now I'm just going to concentrate on finding work. I have some issues of my to work through. So I won't be writing for a while, but I'll be thinking about you'.
Over our time together he had a tendency to fly off the handle and start accusing me of what I have called the 'always syndrome'. We are great and then something goes wrong and I am 'always like this' or 'always like that'. We will be great for months get into an argument and now we are always fighting. Also this running away thing is something I don't understand completely.
, unless there is a conflict and then all bets are off and he behaves like an immature child and I am normally left shunned for days.
I heard through the grapevine that he just accepted an 8 month contract for March 2013-November.
SO Right now I don't know if I still have a boyfriend.
I hope then you will ask yourself what part of this describes a healthy, mature, respectful, life-sharing partnership.
If you take him back, you will be repeating your part in this very unhealthy relationship.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Yes, breaking up is a painful process. With time and support, we do recover.
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