He says he wants help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
He says he wants help
AH, brought me the money he owed and asked if we could talk he said he has been off pain pills for 3 days and has been smoking pot that he is sick of how his life is going and he needs my help.
I told him I can't do this for him he has too, he said he realizes that and said he has no clue where to start so I got a piece of paper and wrote things he could do he was agreeable to a few for now and some he said he would try if the others did not work.
He says he is willing to read here and then maybe join, I am OK with that many lurk before joining, he is considering a therapist, he is saying no for NA, added maybe later if he needs it quitting anything is new for him he has smoked pot since age 12 or 13.
We are not talking about getting together right now or anything he says he needs my support how do I support?
My sponsor left Friday for a 3 week trip to Alaska so I can't call her.
I will not enable nor do I have any expectations.
I told him I can't do this for him he has too, he said he realizes that and said he has no clue where to start so I got a piece of paper and wrote things he could do he was agreeable to a few for now and some he said he would try if the others did not work.
He says he is willing to read here and then maybe join, I am OK with that many lurk before joining, he is considering a therapist, he is saying no for NA, added maybe later if he needs it quitting anything is new for him he has smoked pot since age 12 or 13.
We are not talking about getting together right now or anything he says he needs my support how do I support?
My sponsor left Friday for a 3 week trip to Alaska so I can't call her.
I will not enable nor do I have any expectations.
Last edited by crazybabie; 08-05-2012 at 05:43 PM. Reason: added info
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
By not doing what he can do himself is how you support. You gave him suggestions and now it is up to him what he does with them. Maybe his idea of support is different than yours, though. Make sure you are clear in your mind what you are willing to do and not do so you don't get sucked in doing something you regret later.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Crazybaby,
You're asking the million dollar question. I know that I've gotten a whole lot of good advice on this forum regarding this and I'm sure that you will be getting some great ideas too.
I agree, you don't do anything for him that he can do himself. In the case of my son, I've let him know that I will take him to get treatment and support his going to counseling. I've told him that I will do this but he will have to ask for the help. So far, he's not asking. So, I maintain my boundaries with him and detach with love.
In regards to my estranged husband who has now relapsed on crack....I don't know what support looks like. I am no contact with him but he's figured out that he can make up new email addresses and get messages to me that way. He says that he will go to AA and counseling if I agree to work on our relationship. Ummmmm no.....that's not the sort of support that would work for me. I'm finding that the best support for me to give him is prayer and to not get hooked into an unhealthy situation.
I think that if you explore/examine your motives for any actions you are thinking about taking you'll come up with the right answers. I do have to check things out with other people in recovery before I make any moves though....I'm not always clear about my motives and I can really get into denial pretty quickly.
You're asking the million dollar question. I know that I've gotten a whole lot of good advice on this forum regarding this and I'm sure that you will be getting some great ideas too.
I agree, you don't do anything for him that he can do himself. In the case of my son, I've let him know that I will take him to get treatment and support his going to counseling. I've told him that I will do this but he will have to ask for the help. So far, he's not asking. So, I maintain my boundaries with him and detach with love.
In regards to my estranged husband who has now relapsed on crack....I don't know what support looks like. I am no contact with him but he's figured out that he can make up new email addresses and get messages to me that way. He says that he will go to AA and counseling if I agree to work on our relationship. Ummmmm no.....that's not the sort of support that would work for me. I'm finding that the best support for me to give him is prayer and to not get hooked into an unhealthy situation.
I think that if you explore/examine your motives for any actions you are thinking about taking you'll come up with the right answers. I do have to check things out with other people in recovery before I make any moves though....I'm not always clear about my motives and I can really get into denial pretty quickly.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
My husband used to claim he wanted help but he really didn't. He just wanted to come home and protect his addiction. He was manipulating me and I bought it hook, line and sinker.
After I joined here, reading everything I could and started going to Alanon - I wasn't that easy to manipulate anymore. When he got serious, he knew what to do.
The sticky about when an addict is serious is dead on, have you read it yet??
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
After I joined here, reading everything I could and started going to Alanon - I wasn't that easy to manipulate anymore. When he got serious, he knew what to do.
The sticky about when an addict is serious is dead on, have you read it yet??
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Another Earth
Posts: 172
Ditto what the others here have said....don't do for him what he can do for himself. Also, do what you feel in your heart you're inclined to do, don't allow your boundaries to be crossed, keep up with your own recovery program and just pray. Just my 2 cents.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
3 days???
from my perspective this looks like a relapse for you
my ex has the addict pattern of the deepest sweetest love and twisting manipulative honey dripping I need you I miss you I cant do this without you BS that every single addict seems to come up with
as I have posted before...it doesn't even matter whether or not it is intentional, or malicious, or intelligent, or crafty, or evil spirited or or or or or
it just IS what it IS...an addict trying to get back into your head, your heart, your LIFE
3 days????
try a year.
I have enough distance to see that any "support" I would be able to give is the fearful hope...the codependent wants what they want and they want it now...just like the addict.
sorry if I sound harsh...maybe I'm talking to myself, because it has been almost 3 months and I so so so so so recognize the 3 day, 3 week, 3 month pattern of QUACKING
from my perspective this looks like a relapse for you
my ex has the addict pattern of the deepest sweetest love and twisting manipulative honey dripping I need you I miss you I cant do this without you BS that every single addict seems to come up with
as I have posted before...it doesn't even matter whether or not it is intentional, or malicious, or intelligent, or crafty, or evil spirited or or or or or
it just IS what it IS...an addict trying to get back into your head, your heart, your LIFE
3 days????
try a year.
I have enough distance to see that any "support" I would be able to give is the fearful hope...the codependent wants what they want and they want it now...just like the addict.
sorry if I sound harsh...maybe I'm talking to myself, because it has been almost 3 months and I so so so so so recognize the 3 day, 3 week, 3 month pattern of QUACKING
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Angie,
He's trying to convince you that you can save him; you can't. You know this. He's also trying to get a lot (you, your support, etc.) without putting in much work (no NA, no therapist, still smoking pot, etc.). The best support you can give him is to keep up your boundaries and don't let him sweet-talk his way back into your head. It'll end up hurting you and him. Praying for you!
He's trying to convince you that you can save him; you can't. You know this. He's also trying to get a lot (you, your support, etc.) without putting in much work (no NA, no therapist, still smoking pot, etc.). The best support you can give him is to keep up your boundaries and don't let him sweet-talk his way back into your head. It'll end up hurting you and him. Praying for you!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by crazybabie 
AH, brought me the money he owed and asked if we could talk he said he has been off pain pills for 3 days and has been smoking pot that he is sick of how his life is going and he needs my help.
I told him I can't do this for him he has too, he said he realizes that and said he has no clue where to start so I got a piece of paper and wrote things he could do he was agreeable to a few for now and some he said he would try if the others did not work.
He says he is willing to read here and then maybe join, I am OK with that many lurk before joining, he is considering a therapist, he is saying no for NA, added maybe later if he needs it quitting anything is new for him he has smoked pot since age 12 or 13.
We are not talking about getting together right now or anything he says he needs my support how do I support?
My sponsor left Friday for a 3 week trip to Alaska so I can't call her.
I will not enable nor do I have any expectations.
I told him I can't do this for him he has too, he said he realizes that and said he has no clue where to start so I got a piece of paper and wrote things he could do he was agreeable to a few for now and some he said he would try if the others did not work.
He says he is willing to read here and then maybe join, I am OK with that many lurk before joining, he is considering a therapist, he is saying no for NA, added maybe later if he needs it quitting anything is new for him he has smoked pot since age 12 or 13.
We are not talking about getting together right now or anything he says he needs my support how do I support?
My sponsor left Friday for a 3 week trip to Alaska so I can't call her.
I will not enable nor do I have any expectations.
What is a red flag to me is the fact that he came to you and told you his recovery business and asked for help. That is like going to a women's shoe store in the mall asking for help because your arm has just been cut off with a circular saw. Because pardon me if I am wrong but I get the sense that you are not any of the following: An clinical addiction specialist, a psychiatrist, a drug & alcohol counselor, a psychologist, or a nurse. You don't run a drug rehab, or AA or NA meetings out of your basement either, do you?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
His addiction has set him up to win either way.
Scenario A: He sucks you in and returns to cozy home life. Finds a myriad of excuses and uses...
OR
Scenario B: He doesn't suck you in....must do the work himself.....won't....and uses.
Either way...he's going to find reasons why it's ALL YOUR FAULT
Scenario A: He sucks you in and returns to cozy home life. Finds a myriad of excuses and uses...
OR
Scenario B: He doesn't suck you in....must do the work himself.....won't....and uses.
Either way...he's going to find reasons why it's ALL YOUR FAULT
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 27
My AH sucked me into nursing him through severe WD with a similar appeal that I totally fell for, more fool me, when he was through he told me he wanted to leave me. I thought I was saving him, saving us. I am sooooo Codie! I agree with above posters, boundaries, self awareness and hand it over to him. You can still be compassionate and encouraging. I'm sure you'll find your way!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I find the only way to support the addicts in our lives is to find support for ourselves. In doing that we give ourselves the best gift we can and it gives to them as well … because it removes us from being the part of the problem.
Actually do we have any right to tell anyone how they need to recover? And if one thinks they do then is it in the best interest of the addict in their life or it is for them what they need?
And shouldn’t we be looking at the actions we are willing to take for ourselves above and beyond anything else?
I have met no one to date who was told do this and or that and actually listened on either side. They all went into this search for help doing it their way and then forced their own hand if they were even close to an end looking for other options to help themselves.
Actually do we have any right to tell anyone how they need to recover? And if one thinks they do then is it in the best interest of the addict in their life or it is for them what they need?
And shouldn’t we be looking at the actions we are willing to take for ourselves above and beyond anything else?
I have met no one to date who was told do this and or that and actually listened on either side. They all went into this search for help doing it their way and then forced their own hand if they were even close to an end looking for other options to help themselves.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Originally Posted by lesliej
3 days???
from my perspective this looks like a relapse for you
my ex has the addict pattern of the deepest sweetest love and twisting manipulative honey dripping I need you I miss you I cant do this without you BS that every single addict seems to come up with
as I have posted before...it doesn't even matter whether or not it is intentional, or malicious, or intelligent, or crafty, or evil spirited or or or or or
it just IS what it IS...an addict trying to get back into your head, your heart, your LIFE
3 days????
try a year.
I have enough distance to see that any "support" I would be able to give is the fearful hope...the codependent wants what they want and they want it now...just like the addict.
sorry if I sound harsh...maybe I'm talking to myself, because it has been almost 3 months and I so so so so so recognize the 3 day, 3 week, 3 month pattern of QUACKING
from my perspective this looks like a relapse for you
my ex has the addict pattern of the deepest sweetest love and twisting manipulative honey dripping I need you I miss you I cant do this without you BS that every single addict seems to come up with
as I have posted before...it doesn't even matter whether or not it is intentional, or malicious, or intelligent, or crafty, or evil spirited or or or or or
it just IS what it IS...an addict trying to get back into your head, your heart, your LIFE
3 days????
try a year.
I have enough distance to see that any "support" I would be able to give is the fearful hope...the codependent wants what they want and they want it now...just like the addict.
sorry if I sound harsh...maybe I'm talking to myself, because it has been almost 3 months and I so so so so so recognize the 3 day, 3 week, 3 month pattern of QUACKING
I will not allow him back in my home without a year clean if I ever allow him back in at all there is so much negative history that even he recovered and stayed that way forever I am not sure WE could do the work to save our marriage and honestly I don't know if I want too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Knoxville, TN
Posts: 97
Originally Posted by incitingsilence
I find the only way to support the addicts in our lives is to find support for ourselves. In doing that we give ourselves the best gift we can and it gives to them as well … because it removes us from being the part of the problem.
Actually do we have any right to tell anyone how they need to recover? And if one thinks they do then is it in the best interest of the addict in their life or it is for them what they need?
And shouldn’t we be looking at the actions we are willing to take for ourselves above and beyond anything else?
I have met no one to date who was told do this and or that and actually listened on either side. They all went into this search for help doing it their way and then forced their own hand if they were even close to an end looking for other options to help themselves.
Actually do we have any right to tell anyone how they need to recover? And if one thinks they do then is it in the best interest of the addict in their life or it is for them what they need?
And shouldn’t we be looking at the actions we are willing to take for ourselves above and beyond anything else?
I have met no one to date who was told do this and or that and actually listened on either side. They all went into this search for help doing it their way and then forced their own hand if they were even close to an end looking for other options to help themselves.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
