how bad is bad?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: wales
Posts: 22
how bad is bad?
i dont know how bad things are. i'm worried i've been in this situation for so long i've got used to it, am i being a nagging wife or are things truley awfull? has anyone else ever felt like this, and what do i do? any suggestions would be helpfull. thanks
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
YES!!! I'm new too... Spes gave me some great advice as well as did dandylion(?). I will be watching for your answers. From what others have told me, and correct me if I'm wrong forum goers, but doesn't matter what stage of bad , but that it's a progressive disease only getting worse without treatment. But for Pete's sake, I'm not the one to listen to at this juncture in my journey.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family blowfly!
I don't know your entire situation, but based on the few posts you have made:
Your husband drinks to excess
He claims he is working on recovery from drinking for the past two years
He has excuses for drinking to excess, but it's not because he is addicted
His recovery progress over two years is to now blame you for why he drinks
He doesn't work and it is your fault
He doesn't have friends and it is your fault
He doesn't have a relationship with his family, and it is your fault
If a friend or co-worker told you that their husband acted that way, what would you think?
I don't know your entire situation, but based on the few posts you have made:
Your husband drinks to excess
He claims he is working on recovery from drinking for the past two years
He has excuses for drinking to excess, but it's not because he is addicted
His recovery progress over two years is to now blame you for why he drinks
He doesn't work and it is your fault
He doesn't have friends and it is your fault
He doesn't have a relationship with his family, and it is your fault
If a friend or co-worker told you that their husband acted that way, what would you think?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Blowfly,
You did not Cause this
You can not Control this
You will not be able to Cure this
Your AH is showing all the typical behaviors of an active alcoholic. Including:
Blame-shifting
Lying
Denial
Manipulation
Verbal abuse
Loss of relationships
Depression
etc..
You did not cause this.
He is a grown adult and has made the decision to self-medicate with alcohol.
After seeking treatment from specialist's for his history, he now blames you so that he can continue to self-medicate with alcohol.
He chooses to self-medicate with alcohol. He is an adult and this is the choice he makes each and every day.
You are not powerful enough to hold him down and force him to consume drink, after drink, after drink.
Here are some steps that helped me while I was living with active alcoholism in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Stick around, we are here to support you. We care about YOU
You did not Cause this
You can not Control this
You will not be able to Cure this
Your AH is showing all the typical behaviors of an active alcoholic. Including:
Blame-shifting
Lying
Denial
Manipulation
Verbal abuse
Loss of relationships
Depression
etc..
You did not cause this.
He is a grown adult and has made the decision to self-medicate with alcohol.
After seeking treatment from specialist's for his history, he now blames you so that he can continue to self-medicate with alcohol.
He chooses to self-medicate with alcohol. He is an adult and this is the choice he makes each and every day.
You are not powerful enough to hold him down and force him to consume drink, after drink, after drink.
Here are some steps that helped me while I was living with active alcoholism in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Stick around, we are here to support you. We care about YOU
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by blowfly 
he even told me its my fault it rains.
(It really is raining at this moment after a hot and humid day!)
If nothing else, that should convince you that you are not at fault. Don't let yourself fall into the role of the scapegoat:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3512920
Now I suggest a nice cup of tea. You'll find my reasoning in the thread I've linked to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: wales
Posts: 22
thankyou, now i know. if my sister felt what i feel i know i would be horrified. thankyou so much. i'm off to make a cuppa and go look for my inner strength, i know its here somewhere! thankyou all of you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
(((blowfly))) One of the many problems of living with an alcoholic is that it can come on slowly. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. We (loved ones of A's) put up with so much in the beginning, in the name of love. We do get used to it. We often don't realize how bad things have gotten until the situation is totally out of control. One thing to remember-we didn't get here overnight, we won't get out of this situation overnight. But with awareness, and working on our own recovery it can happen in time. Wishing you all the best. Please keep posting, we care about you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Pelican I took your reply to this post and changed it to suit my own circumstances. I thought about sending it to my drunken and drugged, verbally and emotionally abusive husband. But what would it achieve?
More of the same from him. More excuses. More lies. I can't even be bothered. I don't even want to hear his response. I just want him gone.
Anyway, this was my response that I will never send, it's just for "me":
"You drink and use drugs to excess
You abuse me and the children
The children and I walk on eggshells, not knowing in what state or mood you will return to the house. We are frightened by your drunken and drugged behaviour
You have excuses for drinking to excess, but it's not because you are addicted
You blame me for why you drink and drug to excess and verbally and emotionally abuse me and the children
You don't have friends and it is my fault
You don't have a relationship with your family, and it is my fault
If a friend or co-worker told you that their partner acted that way, what would you think?"
By the way, he has a job because I wrote the application, drove him to the interview and coached him for the interview. It's up to him how long he keeps this job for. At my last count he has had 17 jobs in the last 23 and a bit years - he was sacked or "let go" or walked from most of them.. just more excuses to drink and use drugs.
More of the same from him. More excuses. More lies. I can't even be bothered. I don't even want to hear his response. I just want him gone.
Anyway, this was my response that I will never send, it's just for "me":
"You drink and use drugs to excess
You abuse me and the children
The children and I walk on eggshells, not knowing in what state or mood you will return to the house. We are frightened by your drunken and drugged behaviour
You have excuses for drinking to excess, but it's not because you are addicted
You blame me for why you drink and drug to excess and verbally and emotionally abuse me and the children
You don't have friends and it is my fault
You don't have a relationship with your family, and it is my fault
If a friend or co-worker told you that their partner acted that way, what would you think?"
By the way, he has a job because I wrote the application, drove him to the interview and coached him for the interview. It's up to him how long he keeps this job for. At my last count he has had 17 jobs in the last 23 and a bit years - he was sacked or "let go" or walked from most of them.. just more excuses to drink and use drugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: wales
Posts: 22
morning all, realisation here today, its not just him that needs to get a grip and sort out the problem its me too! spent hours thinking of what to do last night, this morning we sat down and i told him i understand he has an illness but i'm not dealing with it any more. i have enough to do looking after our children and grandchildren, working and keeping myself going. i no longer have the time to work with him sorting his drinking problem and so he is on his own. no more long drawn out conversations and playing the blaming game, i told him how it is and that is that. i know its going to be tough, we've only been married a year, but enough is enough. i feel like i can see what i need to do. thankyou all for your kind words and support, i know i'm going to need it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: wales
Posts: 22
oh and another thing, i'm not going to be like him and blame everyone else for things being bad. i know things aren't good and need to be sorted, i'm not going to be still saying how bad things are in ten years time i'm going to do something myself now. thanks all
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