Katchie

It seems like since the revelation my husband is an alcoholic my mind is searching for a solution(s). Is it possible an alcoholic can be sincere? I've been checking up on him via my cousin who he went to visit. Everything he told me he would be doing this afternoon is indeed what he's doing, like going to visit his doctor friend for an off hours check up and visit about his condition. I know that because of everyone's personal experience on this forum all alcoholics should not be trusted; including my sweet husband . But is it possible for there to be true sincerity even though his alcoholism has only been just recently recognized for what it is? I read all the postings here and I can't help feel a little hopelessness. I hope I never have to think of divorce. I want an intact family to have holidays with; holidays that my children's family's don't have to split time between like I've had to do between my parents all of my adult life. Does my question even make sense about his possible sincerity?

coffeeclouds

Time will tell. Mine made many promises after he was "caught" but it took a couple of years to really get bad and then, it wasn't really his choice to quit. And this is our second time through this in our marriage. That is why the emphasis on ourselves. We can't control it, cure it, change it.

Spes

Hi Katchie,

I've read all your posts since you got here and so I understand your sense of hopelessness. I also understand that what you are hoping for may conflict with what you are reading here. I will briefly share my experiences in the hope that it may help you.

First of all, I trust most of the people here at SR with my life because, quite simply, they have saved my life. Some don't agree with my path but, for the most part, all have been supportive of me once I decided my path.

Second, in addition to all the wonderful information here, I knew I needed to understand my enemy (alcohol and addiction) so I started reading and learning all I could. I read almost nonstop the first couple months here. I started with these books:

Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism by
Ketcham, Katherine, Asbury, William F., Schulstad, Mel, Ciaramicoli, Arthur P.

No More Letting Go: The Spirituality of Taking Action Against Alcoholism and Drug Addiction by
Jay, Debra

The Addictive Personality by
Nakken, Craig

Co-Dependent No More by
Beattie, Melody

"Getting Them Sober, volume one -- You CAN help!" ("Getting Them Sober") by Rice Drews, Toby

Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism by
Ketcham, Katherine, Milam, James Robert

Information is very powerful when we, as a family, battle this disease.

Finally, I would recommend Al-Anon and working the 12 steps to help put you in a place of peace. All these things collectively helped me to cope. 4 months ago I was hurting, in despair, and felt a deep sense of hopelessness. Today, my situation remains the same with my alcoholic and addiction plagued spouse but I make it through each day with a sense of who I am and peace.

I did not leave my spouse. I made the very deliberate choice to stay. I have an understanding now of her disease but I no longer have the need to try to change it. I have come to terms with the destruction of her body and mind. I accept the fact that I will not live long enough to pay off all her medical bills. I'm not a martyr, nor do I seek sympathy; it is something I chose because it works for me.

I don't know if the alcoholic can be sincere....I don't even know if they are capable of genuine love. But, for me, it doesn't matter. What matters Katchie is that you and your children are able to live in peace. You have the power to change you and influence your children. I can assure you that you will never have the power to change your husband. I believe you can try to influence him in as much as any couple in a committed relationship would but, in the end, the decisions lie within him.

None of this is easy. I still struggle with resentment at times but, with the help of trusted friends, I am learning to let go of that feeling because resentment hurts me whereas peaceful acceptance makes each day a happier one.

Keep asking questions and keep learning. This is not an easy journey regardless of the path we take.

Please take care of you.

Katchie

I've spent the last few days reading everything I can here and on the web. I feel like I'm in the middle of a bad dream and I'm hoping I'll awake. He isn't a fall down, violent, angry drunk. As a matter of fact, at times i find it hard to tell when hes been drinking. He makes it to work everyday, to all of his children's events, even participates in coaching, etc. But yes, he drinks too much. Yes, for some reason he hides his crown royal, but not his beer and wine; and yes, he admitted he now 'needs' it to be able to cope. This just can't be! This man would give a person in need the last shirt he owned if it helped them!

Katchie

I vented... Just now, a load of drunks stopped on their float trip to party on my property. I had no mercy. It felt great!

Katchie

Although, my kids didn't recognize their mother, but it still felt good.

dandylion

Katchie, I have seen people who decided to seek recovery, worked a rigorous program and lived a satisfying life in recovery. Each person has their own "bottom".

We have been taught to watch a person's actions. That gives you the best idea of "where they are".

Continue to get support and education for yourself. By no means become hopeless.

I believe in the power of recovery for the alcoholic and for their loved ones.

I wish the very best for you and your husband.

dandylion

Spes

And neither was my alcoholic in the beginning. Even now, with the exception of what she says during a blackout, she is not abusive. Addiction has to start somewhere and, unless a committed decision is made to stay sober each and every day, the disease is progressive. I was where you are today over 15 years ago. Today I am waiting for her to die unless she somehow connects the dots in her mind.

What you will find here is a lot of people with the ability to see your future.....sort of like when you tell things to your children because you can "see" their future if they continue to do what you are warning them about.

Spes

I re-read my post after the edit period. I hope my post did not come off in a bad way to you. Sometimes it's hard to project feelings on the Internet. My intentions are purely to help you and be positive.

Dandylion is very right. I honestly hope every day.

Katchie

Spes, no, your post didn't come off badly. I just feel like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions and can't stop thinking and thinking and thinking. BTW, I hate roller coasters.