Did you feel preasure from others "to be good" to your addicted parents?
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Did you feel preasure from others "to be good" to your addicted parents?
I think that one of the reasons why I'm super codependent is that other poeple used to make me feel bad/guilty if I refused to help my mother when she was "out of herself" or they would accuse me of badmouthing my mother if I told my adult relatives about her behaviuor. They used to say "she is still your mother", "you have to be greatfull to your mother because she spent many sleepless nights when you were little", etc. It makes me angry that nobody seems to recognize how much our family suffered because of her. Can anybody relate?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South Pacific
Posts: 171
There is always that pressure- if we were a little better
they might not want to drink so much...
a direct route to 'burn-out'.
My father's words reinforced this idea:
no wonder I have to drink- just look at this bl**** place!
Talking our way through these public and family myths
must be healthy.
they might not want to drink so much...
a direct route to 'burn-out'.
My father's words reinforced this idea:
no wonder I have to drink- just look at this bl**** place!
Talking our way through these public and family myths
must be healthy.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,826
Originally Posted by Jur123 
I think that one of the reasons why I'm super codependent is that other poeple used to make me feel bad/guilty if I refused to help my mother when she was "out of herself" or they would accuse me of badmouthing my mother if I told my adult relatives about her behaviuor. They used to say "she is still your mother", "you have to be greatfull to your mother because she spent many sleepless nights when you were little", etc.
One of my siblings has a chronic medical condition that has been used imo to excuse behaviors. "She can't help it. You need to be the bigger person. She's doing the best she can."
In my Recovery, I'm learning what's my job, what my feelings are, where my boundaries are, how to hold them for MY OWN HEALTH and HAPPINESS. I am then acting with as much kindness as I can, to myself first and then my husband, and then radiating out from there.
Originally Posted by Jur123
It makes me angry that nobody seems to recognize how much our family suffered because of her. Can anybody relate?
I laughed immediately at my own over-reaction. Part of my recovery is realizing that my pain is mine, and it's mine to heal. I don't have to get everyone on the same page with me. They have their memories and perceptions, I have mine. I don't have to prove myself right.
I tried several times long ago to "share my view of the world" with family members, in an attempt to connect and heal. It was not well-received and it wasn't helpful to me. I got attacked for holding grudges, dredging up bad memories, being selfish and self-absorbed.
Today, it's a HUGE weight off my shoulders that I only have to deal with my own messes, take care of my own responsibilities, and heal myself. In doing so, I honor my family members to make their own way without me trying to change anything.
Glad you are here and glad you posted!
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
Originally Posted by frances2011
Part of my recovery is realizing that my pain is mine, and it's mine to heal. I don't have to get everyone on the same page with me. They have their memories and perceptions, I have mine. I don't have to prove myself right.
And thanks J- for starting this thread, helped me today!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by Jur123
other poeple used to make me feel bad/guilty if I refused to help my mother when she was "out of herself" or they would accuse me of badmouthing my mother if I told my adult relatives about her behaviuor. They used to say "she is still your mother"
I've tuned them out. I don't call them, they seldom call me, we don't get together, I don't see much of them, they don't see much of me. Too bad, but that's how it is -- they don't get it, because they did not go through what I went through at home; they only saw what my parents were like outside... (which was bad enough!).
But no -- anyone who says, "Oh, you can't take it personally, that's just how they were!" is not healthy for me to be around. So they're outta here!
T
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
I don't specifically recall my relatives saying such things, but I worry they're thinking it all the time. I worry about going to extended family gatherings, that it'll be the time someone decides to lecture me that my parents are going to die in the next ten years or possibly months (they're in their 70s) and hadn't I better make amends.
I see how one aunt has a close relationship with many of my cousins, posting on their facebook pages frequently, and always friendly to my face, the few times a year I see her, but nothing like she is with them--and I wonder am I imagining it? Is it because she disapproves of the 'awful way I'm treating' her sister? Is it because my mother has been badmouthing me for years and they believe these things about me and I'd be treated the same no matter how much love and attention I showered on my parents? ...Am I just imagining it all?
I see how one aunt has a close relationship with many of my cousins, posting on their facebook pages frequently, and always friendly to my face, the few times a year I see her, but nothing like she is with them--and I wonder am I imagining it? Is it because she disapproves of the 'awful way I'm treating' her sister? Is it because my mother has been badmouthing me for years and they believe these things about me and I'd be treated the same no matter how much love and attention I showered on my parents? ...Am I just imagining it all?
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Location: Back East
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Originally Posted by EveningRose
I don't specifically recall my relatives saying such things, but I worry they're thinking it all the time. I worry about going to extended family gatherings, that it'll be the time someone decides to lecture me that my parents are going to die in the next ten years or possibly months (they're in their 70s) and hadn't I better make amends.
... one aunt has a close relationship with many of my cousins, posting on their facebook pages frequently...Am I just imagining it all?
... one aunt has a close relationship with many of my cousins, posting on their facebook pages frequently...Am I just imagining it all?
I have no idea what they probably think and say about me -- hey, they can think it... but it's not worth letting them rent space in my head. I've got enough to worry about, just keeping my own stuff together.....
T
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
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Oh God, yes-- and I still do. It helps that I'm 3,000 miles from the nearest family member now, but it certainly hasn't stopped the barrage of "You don't WANT to see her get better. If you did, you wouldn't say negative things about her." I don't say negative things, I just try to keep the situation in perspective, since they all take one day of her not drinking as a sign that she's "done for good." This is also apparently all my fault since I won't let her see or talk to her grandchildren. I can deal with that. The burden of responsibility for her drinking and recovery (or lack thereof) was always on my shoulders growing up, and there's no way in hell I'm passing THAT bull onto my kids! I've had to try to detach from the whole family, not just the alcoholic.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 207
Thank you so much for your post JUR123. 
What you described I call 'the scapegoat'.
Every dysfunctional family has one. Here is a wikipedia article on it: Dysfunctional family - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
What you described I call 'the scapegoat'.
Every dysfunctional family has one. Here is a wikipedia article on it: Dysfunctional family - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Alaska
Posts: 1,458
Getting over my own anger at my Mom & Dad
Hi all,
I don't normally come her as much on this board because I hang out in the newcomers one as an addict myself (alkie) but I feel a change kind of coming on. I guess because it could be that I'm ready to tackle more of the issues between my Mom and I.
Not exactly certain.
The story is (readers digest version) my Mom started drinking heavily when I was about 17 years old. By the time I moved out when I was 18 she was easily drinking one smaller bottle of wine per day.
By the time I was in my early twenties it was probably up to a larger bottle per day.
I didn't really see it that much because hubby was/is military and we were stationed pretty far away most of the time.
It wasn't until I was pregnant with my son (and I started to realize in my own sobriety) that I probably had a problem with booze but what was worse. My Mom obviously had a pretty big problem with alcohol.
I relapsed in my sobriety when my son was about 8 mos old (didn't really REALIZE fully that I had a problem yet) and slid down hill fast when we discovered we were moving from Alaska to Maryland.
Just as of December 14 I quit for good, and am now living completely sober.
Here's the issue and this is what I'm reaching out for.
I find myself so angry. Incredibly angry at my Mom and somewhat my Dad.
I see how she's giving up on life, I see some of the bodily issues that I started to exhibit when I was drinking, I see the shaking of the hands, the sweating, the bloating, the need to get more alcohol no MATTER WHAT, all of the issues with addiction. I see it, I understand it because I have been there! I know what it feels like and I'm so angry that my Mom is so deep into her addiction and that my Dad just blithely goes along, supporting her in her addiction.
Is this normal? I guess I need to read some books on adult kids dealing with parents with addiction.
It's only as of the past few months that I've felt this more and more that I'm really and truly angry at my Mom (and again somewhat my Dad for enabling her).
I really want to let go of this anger but I don't exactly know how. I think I really don't understand some of it
One person posted on this message board recently about how others do not understand how they can talk bad about their alcoholic parent, and I find myself in the same situation. I tell others about some of the horrible, manipulative things my Mom has done, and they cluck their tongues at me, say I'm being disrespectful, etc. (they know that my Mom drinks but they don't think much of it so they don't fully understand that part nor do they know I too am an alcoholic) Yet, the thing is, I've been almost exactly where my Mom is mentally and I know how addiction is.
I guess I'm looking for some guidance here.
&
I don't normally come her as much on this board because I hang out in the newcomers one as an addict myself (alkie) but I feel a change kind of coming on. I guess because it could be that I'm ready to tackle more of the issues between my Mom and I.
Not exactly certain.
The story is (readers digest version) my Mom started drinking heavily when I was about 17 years old. By the time I moved out when I was 18 she was easily drinking one smaller bottle of wine per day.
By the time I was in my early twenties it was probably up to a larger bottle per day.
I didn't really see it that much because hubby was/is military and we were stationed pretty far away most of the time.
It wasn't until I was pregnant with my son (and I started to realize in my own sobriety) that I probably had a problem with booze but what was worse. My Mom obviously had a pretty big problem with alcohol.
I relapsed in my sobriety when my son was about 8 mos old (didn't really REALIZE fully that I had a problem yet) and slid down hill fast when we discovered we were moving from Alaska to Maryland.
Just as of December 14 I quit for good, and am now living completely sober.
Here's the issue and this is what I'm reaching out for.
I find myself so angry. Incredibly angry at my Mom and somewhat my Dad.
I see how she's giving up on life, I see some of the bodily issues that I started to exhibit when I was drinking, I see the shaking of the hands, the sweating, the bloating, the need to get more alcohol no MATTER WHAT, all of the issues with addiction. I see it, I understand it because I have been there! I know what it feels like and I'm so angry that my Mom is so deep into her addiction and that my Dad just blithely goes along, supporting her in her addiction.
Is this normal? I guess I need to read some books on adult kids dealing with parents with addiction.
It's only as of the past few months that I've felt this more and more that I'm really and truly angry at my Mom (and again somewhat my Dad for enabling her).
I really want to let go of this anger but I don't exactly know how. I think I really don't understand some of it
One person posted on this message board recently about how others do not understand how they can talk bad about their alcoholic parent, and I find myself in the same situation. I tell others about some of the horrible, manipulative things my Mom has done, and they cluck their tongues at me, say I'm being disrespectful, etc. (they know that my Mom drinks but they don't think much of it so they don't fully understand that part nor do they know I too am an alcoholic) Yet, the thing is, I've been almost exactly where my Mom is mentally and I know how addiction is.
I guess I'm looking for some guidance here.
& Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I used to be angry that people would say "that's just the way they are" or "they did the best they could." It took me a long time to realize that, y'know what? That is just the way they are. That is exactly how they are. And y'know what else? They may very well have done the best THEY could. Is that the best that someone else could do? No.
So I challenged myself to do better. And here I am.
The anger was a result of me also thinking "well, their best wasn't good enough!" or "why are you making excuses?" It may be that those aren't excuses, they're reasons. It is entirely possible and even probable that they did the best they could AND it wasn't good enough.
Once I got to where I could see that both of my parents did the best they could with the exceedingly limited tools they had available, the anger melted away. Then I could calmly say "They did the best they could, and it wasn't good enough."
That being said? I hate mother's day with a passion. Everyone expects me to lavish my mom with love and affection and dote on what a great person she was. They don't make cards that say "I know you tried, but really? Epic Fail." at Hallmark.
I am capable of acknowledging that my mom and dad both did the best they could. I am also capable of acknowledging that their "best" really kind of sucked. And I now am able to say "These are the terms under which I am willing to maintain a relationship with you, and I don't give a rip what anyone else says. When you're their mother/father, then they can tell me how I 'should' be treating you. Until then, they don't know and it's not their place to tell me how to run my life. I'm the only person who gets that decision."
So I challenged myself to do better. And here I am.
The anger was a result of me also thinking "well, their best wasn't good enough!" or "why are you making excuses?" It may be that those aren't excuses, they're reasons. It is entirely possible and even probable that they did the best they could AND it wasn't good enough.
Once I got to where I could see that both of my parents did the best they could with the exceedingly limited tools they had available, the anger melted away. Then I could calmly say "They did the best they could, and it wasn't good enough."
That being said? I hate mother's day with a passion. Everyone expects me to lavish my mom with love and affection and dote on what a great person she was. They don't make cards that say "I know you tried, but really? Epic Fail." at Hallmark.
I am capable of acknowledging that my mom and dad both did the best they could. I am also capable of acknowledging that their "best" really kind of sucked. And I now am able to say "These are the terms under which I am willing to maintain a relationship with you, and I don't give a rip what anyone else says. When you're their mother/father, then they can tell me how I 'should' be treating you. Until then, they don't know and it's not their place to tell me how to run my life. I'm the only person who gets that decision."
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by GingerM
They don't make cards that say "I know you tried, but really? Epic Fail." at Hallmark.
I guess I haven't reached the point of being able -- or wanting -- to accept the idea (I hesitate to say "fact") that "that was just the way [my parents] were," or that "they did the best they could." That may be one way of looking at it, but the same could probably be said of anyone. I mean, who doesn't do the best that he or she can, at least in their own mind? In the end, it was an Epic Fail -- to their kid, that's all that matters. Maybe I'll eventually finish sorting through the wreckage, maybe not... at this point, "not" is looking more likely....
T
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 95
This is my first post in this section, I'm 34, my dad passed away 4 years ago to addiction. I was talking to a family friend tonight, who knew my dad. She said something to the effect that he was prety cool.
I honestly just had to aggree. I'm fairly new to understanding ACOA. My friend is also ACOA. So she should know.
I was told by all my friends growing up that my dad was cool. I always knew it wasn't true. But I always agreed.
I honestly just had to aggree. I'm fairly new to understanding ACOA. My friend is also ACOA. So she should know.
I was told by all my friends growing up that my dad was cool. I always knew it wasn't true. But I always agreed.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
People love my mom. Seriously think she's the bee's knees. They only see the image she projects when she's around others (and normally, not drinking). I look at my mother and feel shame, disgust, and a pain that I can't describe. I'm angry at the disease, but that doesn't make me any more... Sympathetic toward her, especially knowing what she's done and that she still continues to drink. I always hated buying Mother's Day cards, too. Whatever was in them was pure sugary crap that couldn't be farther from the truth. One if the perks if NC? No effing card this year.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by android1
This is my first post in this section, I'm 34, my dad passed away 4 years ago to addiction. I was talking to a family friend tonight, who knew my dad. She said something to the effect that he was prety cool.... I was told by all my friends growing up that my dad was cool. I always knew it wasn't true. But I always agreed.
Almost everyone thinks my Dad was cool. And truth be told, he was, in some ways -- brilliant scientist, sharp wit, drove a Corvette Indy Pace Car 'til he was 87... I could go on. He did have a lot of good points. But they didn't see what it was like to be his kid -- the control, rage, put-downs, stifling of his own kids' growth, etc. So when people talk about how cool my Dad was, I just nod my head and change the subject....
T
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 110
Everyone thinks my parents are the greatest too, and I never disagree. The last time I tried to be honest with a relative about how things really are, I got a lot of the lines that have been already listed. And then the kicker:
Well you turned out well so they mustn't have been too bad!
Well you turned out well so they mustn't have been too bad!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Originally Posted by pennywistle
Thank you so much for your post JUR123.
What you described I call 'the scapegoat'.
Every dysfunctional family has one. Here is a wikipedia article on it: Dysfunctional family - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
What you described I call 'the scapegoat'.
Every dysfunctional family has one. Here is a wikipedia article on it: Dysfunctional family - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Thanks for the link, pennywistle. I can go down the list and say pretty much every one was present in my family. And yet there was no overt 'abuse.' How amazing is that.
The scrooge one--oh yeah! I could tell story after story of having barely the basics in which to dress, of having the same two skirts, one of which didn't even fit, to wear every single day for a whole school year, of having nothing but ripped jeans for our free dress days and getting in trouble at school for being improperly dressed. Ugly plaid wool pants when the whole world was wearing jeans. And more.
But my parents had a Mercedes, three sets of china and silver (every day, Sunday, and holiday), $2,000 mosaics from Europe, chandeliers, full bar.
But clothing was too expensive. Not only that, I was expected to PRIDE myself on 'not being a snob like those other kids.' Yeah. Right. I have more than twice as many kids as my parents did, less income, and I still make sure my kids have appropriate clothing.
Unhealthy parenting signs
List of unhealthy parenting signs which could lead to a family becoming dysfunctional:[5]
Unrealistic expectations
Ridicule[6]
Conditional love[6]
Disrespect;[6] especially contempt
Emotional intolerance (family members not allowed to express the "wrong" emotions)[6]
Social dysfunction or isolation[6] (for example, parents unwilling to reach out to other families—especially those with children of the same gender and approximate age, or do nothing to help their "friendless" child)
Stifled speech (children not allowed to dissent or question authority)[6]
Denial of an "inner life" (children are not allowed to develop their own value systems)[6]
Being under- or over-protective
Apathy "I don't care!"
Belittling "You can't do anything right!"
Shame "Shame on you!"
Bitterness (regardless of what is said, using a bitter tone of voice)
Hypocrisy "Do as I say, not as I do"
Unforgiving "Saying sorry doesn't help anything!"
Judgmental statements or demonization "You are a liar!"
Either no or excessive criticism (experts say 80–90% praise, and 10–20% constructive criticism is the most healthy[7][8][9])
Giving "mixed messages" by having a dual system of values (i.e. one set for the outside world, another when in private, or teaching divergent values to each child)
The absentee parent (seldom available for their child due to work overload, alcohol/drug abuse, gambling or other addictions)
Unfulfilled projects, activities, and promises affecting children "We'll do it later"
Giving to one child what rightly belongs to another
Gender prejudice (treats one gender of children fairly; the other unfairly)
Discussion and exposure to sexuality: either too much, too soon or too little, too late
Faulty discipline (i.e. punishment by "surprise") based more on emotions or family politics than established rules
Having an unpredictable emotional state due to substance abuse, personality disorder(s), or stress
Parents always (or never) take their children's side when others report acts of misbehavior, or teachers report problems at school
Scapegoating (knowingly or recklessly blaming one child for the misdeeds of another)
"Tunnel vision" diagnosis of children's problems (for example, a parent may think their child is either lazy or has learning disabilities after he falls behind in school despite recent absence due to illness)
Older siblings given either no or excessive authority over younger siblings with respect to their age difference and level of maturity
Frequent withholding of consent ("blessing") for culturally common, lawful, and age-appropriate activities a child wants to take part in
The "know-it-all" (has no need to obtain child's side of the story when accusing, or listen to child's opinions on matters which greatly impact them)
Regularly forcing children to attend activities for which they are extremely over- or under-qualified (e.g. using a preschool to babysit a typical nine-year-old boy, taking a young child to poker games, etc.)
Either being a miser ("scrooge") in totality or selectively allowing children's needs to go unmet (e.g. father will not buy a bicycle for his son because he wants to save money for retirement or "something important")
Nature vs. nurture (parents, often non-biological, blame common problems on child's heredity, whereas faulty parenting may be the actual cause)
List of unhealthy parenting signs which could lead to a family becoming dysfunctional:[5]
Unrealistic expectations
Ridicule[6]
Conditional love[6]
Disrespect;[6] especially contempt
Emotional intolerance (family members not allowed to express the "wrong" emotions)[6]
Social dysfunction or isolation[6] (for example, parents unwilling to reach out to other families—especially those with children of the same gender and approximate age, or do nothing to help their "friendless" child)
Stifled speech (children not allowed to dissent or question authority)[6]
Denial of an "inner life" (children are not allowed to develop their own value systems)[6]
Being under- or over-protective
Apathy "I don't care!"
Belittling "You can't do anything right!"
Shame "Shame on you!"
Bitterness (regardless of what is said, using a bitter tone of voice)
Hypocrisy "Do as I say, not as I do"
Unforgiving "Saying sorry doesn't help anything!"
Judgmental statements or demonization "You are a liar!"
Either no or excessive criticism (experts say 80–90% praise, and 10–20% constructive criticism is the most healthy[7][8][9])
Giving "mixed messages" by having a dual system of values (i.e. one set for the outside world, another when in private, or teaching divergent values to each child)
The absentee parent (seldom available for their child due to work overload, alcohol/drug abuse, gambling or other addictions)
Unfulfilled projects, activities, and promises affecting children "We'll do it later"
Giving to one child what rightly belongs to another
Gender prejudice (treats one gender of children fairly; the other unfairly)
Discussion and exposure to sexuality: either too much, too soon or too little, too late
Faulty discipline (i.e. punishment by "surprise") based more on emotions or family politics than established rules
Having an unpredictable emotional state due to substance abuse, personality disorder(s), or stress
Parents always (or never) take their children's side when others report acts of misbehavior, or teachers report problems at school
Scapegoating (knowingly or recklessly blaming one child for the misdeeds of another)
"Tunnel vision" diagnosis of children's problems (for example, a parent may think their child is either lazy or has learning disabilities after he falls behind in school despite recent absence due to illness)
Older siblings given either no or excessive authority over younger siblings with respect to their age difference and level of maturity
Frequent withholding of consent ("blessing") for culturally common, lawful, and age-appropriate activities a child wants to take part in
The "know-it-all" (has no need to obtain child's side of the story when accusing, or listen to child's opinions on matters which greatly impact them)
Regularly forcing children to attend activities for which they are extremely over- or under-qualified (e.g. using a preschool to babysit a typical nine-year-old boy, taking a young child to poker games, etc.)
Either being a miser ("scrooge") in totality or selectively allowing children's needs to go unmet (e.g. father will not buy a bicycle for his son because he wants to save money for retirement or "something important")
Nature vs. nurture (parents, often non-biological, blame common problems on child's heredity, whereas faulty parenting may be the actual cause)
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