25 years married, crashing this is so scary
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 47
25 years married, crashing this is so scary
My wife is going thru a life change issue and I've been nuts, to the point of buying a gun last year to end it all. I ended up in therapy, got antodepresents and about 3 months ago started AlaNon again. She had major cosmetic survey over the last year. Now instead of looking like a 49 year old mother of 4 she looks like 21 year old. And now guess what? She determined she doesn't love me any more! She went to Arizona to visit her mom 4 weeks ago. She doesn't think she will ever love me again because of our problems over the last four years. I know I have changed for the better in the last three months and will continue to. She's not drinking now but quit AA 7-8 years ago. My sponser explained dry drunk to me a few weeks ago. I know, I know I must focus on me, but I don't want to lose my wife. I have no fear of being able to find another mate if I had to, I just want my wife to love me again. My sponsor is on vacation now. I called a guy of the group resource list, that helped. I HATE being afraid. Please give me a couple to do suggestions, I will do them. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Hi Recover....
When I call my sponsor in a codependent spin... Or as she puts it... My awfulizing!! The first thing she says to me is.... Stop. Take a breath. Okay. Take another. We do that until my heart rate settles and then we move to HALT.
Hungry, angry, lonely, tired
Try to figure out whats the next right thing to do to take care of ME. When I do that, it gives me the reprieve I need to relax and get back to my program.
We just don't know what the future holds so we HAVE to stay in today. What do you want to do with yourself today? Go for a walk? Watch a movie? Exercise?
All things will work out... Don't waste today trying to figure it out!!
When I call my sponsor in a codependent spin... Or as she puts it... My awfulizing!! The first thing she says to me is.... Stop. Take a breath. Okay. Take another. We do that until my heart rate settles and then we move to HALT.
Hungry, angry, lonely, tired
Try to figure out whats the next right thing to do to take care of ME. When I do that, it gives me the reprieve I need to relax and get back to my program.
We just don't know what the future holds so we HAVE to stay in today. What do you want to do with yourself today? Go for a walk? Watch a movie? Exercise?
All things will work out... Don't waste today trying to figure it out!!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I'm sorry to hear about your wife's state of mind.
I think you are doing great is taking care of yourself at this time: calling someone in your group, reaching out here, and being aware of how you feel.
Just as you didn't cause her addiction, you did not cause this change, you won't be able to control her choices and you won't be able to cure her. These choices, and their consequences belong to the other adult in the relationship.
It still hurts, though!
You talk about your fear. One thing that has helped me is to face my fear. To search out the root of my fear. Then it helps me to play the tape forward to the end (face my worst fear and visualize the outcome) and usually when I face my fear to the imagined end ~ I discover that I will still be okay!
My fear of my ex becoming involved with another woman kept me on the crazy train and had me jumping through hoops to keep my man at home and happy. ew
So if I faced my fear, I realized what kind of prize the other woman would be getting......the real person she would be getting ~ not the charming sales guy that presents himself at first.
Then I faced my fear of being alone. Turns out I like being alone with me!
I think you are going to be okay.
I hope you will keep reaching out here and at face-to-face opportunities.
We care about YOU and we are here to support you!
I think you are doing great is taking care of yourself at this time: calling someone in your group, reaching out here, and being aware of how you feel.
Just as you didn't cause her addiction, you did not cause this change, you won't be able to control her choices and you won't be able to cure her. These choices, and their consequences belong to the other adult in the relationship.
It still hurts, though!
You talk about your fear. One thing that has helped me is to face my fear. To search out the root of my fear. Then it helps me to play the tape forward to the end (face my worst fear and visualize the outcome) and usually when I face my fear to the imagined end ~ I discover that I will still be okay!
My fear of my ex becoming involved with another woman kept me on the crazy train and had me jumping through hoops to keep my man at home and happy. ew
So if I faced my fear, I realized what kind of prize the other woman would be getting......the real person she would be getting ~ not the charming sales guy that presents himself at first.
Then I faced my fear of being alone. Turns out I like being alone with me!
I think you are going to be okay.
I hope you will keep reaching out here and at face-to-face opportunities.
We care about YOU and we are here to support you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Step One. It is the only answer.
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable."
When your sponsor gets back, I suggest you work together until you fully embrace this step in the depth of your soul.
You are looking for ways to manage her, so you can manage the situation, and so you can achieve the outcome you want, rather than the outcome which your Higher Power has determined is vital for your essential spiritual growth.
You have not surrendered.
If your wife is in Arizona today and does not want to be with you because she is active in her disease or because she has not matured as a result of her disease, you must surrender to that. You must surrender to feeling as though you are coming apart. You must surrender to the overwhelming fear that you will lose her.
Surrendering to whatever is happening in this moment, on this day, in this year of your life, is where you start your path to the absolutely essential relationship between you and a power greater than yourself. Between you and God, as you understand God.
You have a responsibility to the growing of your soul. And if you take that responsibility seriously, then one day you will not only be restored to sanity, you will also have an unshakable faith that your life is unfolding just as it is meant to unfold, and that all that is required of you is to trust there is purpose to it, no matter how painful or confusing it may be.
My guess is that you are in great need of doing your inner work, and what is unfolding today is designed in part to make that work happen.
While you are waiting for your sponsor's return you can sit down with pen and paper and reflect on all the experiences of your long life in which you realize a divine spirit must have been guiding you.
And maybe, with time, you will have faith that God, as you understand God, was then and is now available to you, especially today, when you are most desperate to manage outcomes which you, in your limited way, cannot possibly be certain are for the greatest good of everyone involved.
Surrender. Stop strategizing.
Work with Step One. It will in time help you fully accept the core of recovery, which I believe is Step Three: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood him."
When you really get that, you will be all right.
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable."
When your sponsor gets back, I suggest you work together until you fully embrace this step in the depth of your soul.
You are looking for ways to manage her, so you can manage the situation, and so you can achieve the outcome you want, rather than the outcome which your Higher Power has determined is vital for your essential spiritual growth.
You have not surrendered.
If your wife is in Arizona today and does not want to be with you because she is active in her disease or because she has not matured as a result of her disease, you must surrender to that. You must surrender to feeling as though you are coming apart. You must surrender to the overwhelming fear that you will lose her.
Surrendering to whatever is happening in this moment, on this day, in this year of your life, is where you start your path to the absolutely essential relationship between you and a power greater than yourself. Between you and God, as you understand God.
You have a responsibility to the growing of your soul. And if you take that responsibility seriously, then one day you will not only be restored to sanity, you will also have an unshakable faith that your life is unfolding just as it is meant to unfold, and that all that is required of you is to trust there is purpose to it, no matter how painful or confusing it may be.
My guess is that you are in great need of doing your inner work, and what is unfolding today is designed in part to make that work happen.
While you are waiting for your sponsor's return you can sit down with pen and paper and reflect on all the experiences of your long life in which you realize a divine spirit must have been guiding you.
And maybe, with time, you will have faith that God, as you understand God, was then and is now available to you, especially today, when you are most desperate to manage outcomes which you, in your limited way, cannot possibly be certain are for the greatest good of everyone involved.
Surrender. Stop strategizing.
Work with Step One. It will in time help you fully accept the core of recovery, which I believe is Step Three: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood him."
When you really get that, you will be all right.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 152
Welcome Recover53,
Our stories are pretty close except my AW is still active and in denial. Close to the same age as yours, hasnt had any cosmetic stuff done, but really wants to. Right now she has been living half time in LA "finding herself" and pursueing a art life. What I have learned is to take life one day at a time. As others have said, we are responsible for yourselves. There is nothing that we can do to change their mind. Your wife has to come to a point in her life to where she needs to make that choice of being a wife or not. My four kids are looking at their mom shaking their heads thinking she is straight up crazy. I too want my wife back more than life itself, but until she wants that too, there is nothing I can do for her....only myself. Hang in their and read what others have to say on this site. There are many more than me that have way more experience and much more wise.
grizz
Our stories are pretty close except my AW is still active and in denial. Close to the same age as yours, hasnt had any cosmetic stuff done, but really wants to. Right now she has been living half time in LA "finding herself" and pursueing a art life. What I have learned is to take life one day at a time. As others have said, we are responsible for yourselves. There is nothing that we can do to change their mind. Your wife has to come to a point in her life to where she needs to make that choice of being a wife or not. My four kids are looking at their mom shaking their heads thinking she is straight up crazy. I too want my wife back more than life itself, but until she wants that too, there is nothing I can do for her....only myself. Hang in their and read what others have to say on this site. There are many more than me that have way more experience and much more wise.
grizz
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My wife is going thru a life change issue and I've been nuts, to the point of buying a gun last year to end it all
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 47
Thank you, thank you. I got a text first thing this morning at work, my wife says she wants separation. Nice, real nice, a text??? Instantly I called an AlaNon friend. He was right, it's 11:15, I'm still alive and going to bed. I just don't want to have to go through the pain that is on the way. I really love this woman, ever if she is crazy or sick.
Originally Posted by GettingBy 
Hi Recover....
When I call my sponsor in a codependent spin... Or as she puts it... My awfulizing!! The first thing she says to me is.... Stop. Take a breath. Okay. Take another. We do that until my heart rate settles and then we move to HALT.
Hungry, angry, lonely, tired
Try to figure out whats the next right thing to do to take care of ME. When I do that, it gives me the reprieve I need to relax and get back to my program.
We just don't know what the future holds so we HAVE to stay in today. What do you want to do with yourself today? Go for a walk? Watch a movie? Exercise?
All things will work out... Don't waste today trying to figure it out!!
When I call my sponsor in a codependent spin... Or as she puts it... My awfulizing!! The first thing she says to me is.... Stop. Take a breath. Okay. Take another. We do that until my heart rate settles and then we move to HALT.
Hungry, angry, lonely, tired
Try to figure out whats the next right thing to do to take care of ME. When I do that, it gives me the reprieve I need to relax and get back to my program.
We just don't know what the future holds so we HAVE to stay in today. What do you want to do with yourself today? Go for a walk? Watch a movie? Exercise?
All things will work out... Don't waste today trying to figure it out!!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Recover53, please tell me you got rid of the gun. (((hugs))) Please know that when a person does a thing like what your spouse is doing, it has nothing to do with you. What she is doing sounds very selfish to me. She may look good on the outside but her actions reveal she is not doing well on the inside. Please take good care of yourself during this difficult time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Separation is very common for the couple in the alcoholic marriage. In fact, every recovering couple I have met went through a period of separation before being reunited in a healthy, sober marriage (unlike the destructive, unhealthy marriage of addiction which came before).
The advice given in both programs is always to take the long view. Because recovery takes time.
It is also a fact that because the addict and the spouse are so reactive to each other, and often unable to function without the other, the hope for their recovery as individuals is increased if they separate for a time. Basically, in their mutual disorders, neither is much good for the other. Two unhealthy people will never add up to a healthy marriage.
Life has separated you and your wife for awhile, and I suggest you accept it as part of the unfolding story, not as the OUTCOME and the END of the story. As they say in the program, more will be revealed.
I will tell you, though: if she decides to truly get recovery while she is in Arizona, you better have your own recovery up and running, because any recovering alcoholic who goes back to a flaming codependent without recovery has just taken two steps back.
Work your program. You are in the middle of the story. And you are the main character. You can suit up and show up. Or you can go play ping pong.
I think you have what it takes to deal with this challenge in your life. What time is the Al-Anon meeting or the Codependents Anonymous meeting in your town today?
The advice given in both programs is always to take the long view. Because recovery takes time.
It is also a fact that because the addict and the spouse are so reactive to each other, and often unable to function without the other, the hope for their recovery as individuals is increased if they separate for a time. Basically, in their mutual disorders, neither is much good for the other. Two unhealthy people will never add up to a healthy marriage.
Life has separated you and your wife for awhile, and I suggest you accept it as part of the unfolding story, not as the OUTCOME and the END of the story. As they say in the program, more will be revealed.
I will tell you, though: if she decides to truly get recovery while she is in Arizona, you better have your own recovery up and running, because any recovering alcoholic who goes back to a flaming codependent without recovery has just taken two steps back.
Work your program. You are in the middle of the story. And you are the main character. You can suit up and show up. Or you can go play ping pong.
I think you have what it takes to deal with this challenge in your life. What time is the Al-Anon meeting or the Codependents Anonymous meeting in your town today?
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Welcome Recover53 and manly hugs. 
I was in a place very similar to where you are. My wife was heavily involved in drinking and abusing Rx drugs. I hadn't bought a gun but I was at a point where I would lay in bed at night and think about how great it will be when I am dead. No more problems, no more pain, no more suffering. One night I realized where this was leading and it scared the crap out of me. I couldn't change her so it was time to change me.
I found this site, started Alanon and really began to work my recovery.
One of the things I learned about myself is that I almost never thought of me. It was always us or we or even her, but never me. When I focused on myself and put me first I finally started to heal. I realized that I could live without her because to be honest I had been living without her for a long time.
As EnglishGarden said, it is time to embrace step 1. Once I really accepted that I didn't have control over her or her drinking I put down that baggage I had been carrying. It wasn't really mine to carry. My AW had the right to choose her own life, to drink or not to drink. All of a sudden I had hope again. Not for us, not for her, not for the marriage. I had hope for me that I could get healthy and sane again.
Please keep posting and reading here and reaching out to your Alanon family. I know things can get better and it is possible to crawl out of that deep, dark hole. I know because I have done it and so have many others here.
Your friend,
I was in a place very similar to where you are. My wife was heavily involved in drinking and abusing Rx drugs. I hadn't bought a gun but I was at a point where I would lay in bed at night and think about how great it will be when I am dead. No more problems, no more pain, no more suffering. One night I realized where this was leading and it scared the crap out of me. I couldn't change her so it was time to change me.
I found this site, started Alanon and really began to work my recovery.
One of the things I learned about myself is that I almost never thought of me. It was always us or we or even her, but never me. When I focused on myself and put me first I finally started to heal. I realized that I could live without her because to be honest I had been living without her for a long time.
As EnglishGarden said, it is time to embrace step 1. Once I really accepted that I didn't have control over her or her drinking I put down that baggage I had been carrying. It wasn't really mine to carry. My AW had the right to choose her own life, to drink or not to drink. All of a sudden I had hope again. Not for us, not for her, not for the marriage. I had hope for me that I could get healthy and sane again.
Please keep posting and reading here and reaching out to your Alanon family. I know things can get better and it is possible to crawl out of that deep, dark hole. I know because I have done it and so have many others here.
Your friend,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 47
Thank you all. I went to the only mtg I could find tonight down in Yulee Fl. I really didn't want to go. But, I had to. Wow. 5 ladies were there and I'm the only man. I did not want to talk, fear of crying mainly. The lady leading the mtg was like 40 years in AlaNon. She saw I was upset and asked if I would talk about what was going on. Everyone related, understood and assured me things will get better. 3 of the 5 ladies there were also relatively new. I heard so much hope and care and experience. I bought a book called How AlaNon Works. The older lady said it would help me keep focused on me. I'm still real uncertain what my wife is doing in Arizona. I know at some point she'll be back. In the meantime I'll stay close to you guys and my mtgs here, thanks again to everyone and sharing your experience.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 47
Oh, the gun, yea well the physician I went to talk to about suicide kept it. It's been a year and he still has it. I never asked for it back either. That day will go down as one of the worst. I didn't know I could feel so much despair. Doing life alone in an alcoholic family is dangerous.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
A woman in one of my Al-Anon groups descended into the darkest despair as you describe, and she made plans to kill not only herself but also her alcoholic husband and their children.
I know this sounds impossible to believe, but the day she was going to do that, she went to her first Al-Anon meeting instead.
She has been in the program for 20 years now, and when she talks of spiritual growth, the room listens.
There is tremendous hope for you in every area of your life. Tremendous hope. I'm glad you made the meeting.
I know this sounds impossible to believe, but the day she was going to do that, she went to her first Al-Anon meeting instead.
She has been in the program for 20 years now, and when she talks of spiritual growth, the room listens.
There is tremendous hope for you in every area of your life. Tremendous hope. I'm glad you made the meeting.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I really like the expression (I believe I read it on another post)....
"Reigion is for people who fear hell, Spirituality is for those who have been there."
It's so true - especially for me. I was raised in a "religious" family... it wasn't until I was married to an alcholic that I found spirituality. It was hell on earth dealing with the active addiction on a daily basis. There were times that I too wanted to take my own life... I can recall a time many years ago that I really wanted to just drive my car into a concrete bridge abutment. I just wanted the pain over.
I believe I went to my first Al-anon meeting a few weeks later.
There is hope. There is always hope. It may be hell in the hallway as we fumble our way through the first phases of recovery - but life does and WILL get better.
The one thing I feared the most (ending my marriage), turned out to be the best thing for me. Letting go of the dream life I wanted, freed me to live the dream life God wanted for me
"Reigion is for people who fear hell, Spirituality is for those who have been there."
It's so true - especially for me. I was raised in a "religious" family... it wasn't until I was married to an alcholic that I found spirituality. It was hell on earth dealing with the active addiction on a daily basis. There were times that I too wanted to take my own life... I can recall a time many years ago that I really wanted to just drive my car into a concrete bridge abutment. I just wanted the pain over.
I believe I went to my first Al-anon meeting a few weeks later.
There is hope. There is always hope. It may be hell in the hallway as we fumble our way through the first phases of recovery - but life does and WILL get better.
The one thing I feared the most (ending my marriage), turned out to be the best thing for me. Letting go of the dream life I wanted, freed me to live the dream life God wanted for me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 47
well, after a few text messages this morning she sent over the draft of our separation agreement. And of course included a bunch of dialog how she really wants things to work out and this is not her idea, and she is so scared of what she's going to do, etc. etc. I'm getting all the family debt(HUGE), of course, since I'm the main bread winner and she gets a monthly alimony check till February. I could care less about household items, she could have it all.
God this sucks. My heart is broke. But I HATE her lies!!! She failed to mention the secret CC's she has, plus she has paid down those damn plastic surgery bills! I hate the lies, and the secrets AND the secret friends. Oh, Pelican, yea the screwing around fears make me crazy by the hour! I caught her 12 years ago with a friend of mine, and found out it had gone on for over a year. I never, ever suspected anything. Anyway, thanks for being here.
God this sucks. My heart is broke. But I HATE her lies!!! She failed to mention the secret CC's she has, plus she has paid down those damn plastic surgery bills! I hate the lies, and the secrets AND the secret friends. Oh, Pelican, yea the screwing around fears make me crazy by the hour! I caught her 12 years ago with a friend of mine, and found out it had gone on for over a year. I never, ever suspected anything. Anyway, thanks for being here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
If its not her idea=who's idea is it?
Yes it is painful. Keep going to the meetings and here.
Document everything! And keep your needs first. You are in an emotional state. Don't be quick to agree to things that you may care about later. Its ok to take time to think things out instead of just making quick decisions to get it over with.
I am meeting with my husband and a mediator tomorrow to begin our separation agreement. I am trying to keep all these things in mind for ME!
Yes it is painful. Keep going to the meetings and here.
Document everything! And keep your needs first. You are in an emotional state. Don't be quick to agree to things that you may care about later. Its ok to take time to think things out instead of just making quick decisions to get it over with.
I am meeting with my husband and a mediator tomorrow to begin our separation agreement. I am trying to keep all these things in mind for ME!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 47
So, is it ok to keep adding to this post? New to these online forums. Anyway, I was so scrambled in the head this morning I went to the resourse list they gave me and called a guy I do not know. This totally turned me around, today I'm not so
sad she's leaving, I'm more sad I'm not sad enough. To make things even more crazy,I got curious. There is a wicker basket on her side of the bed. It's been there for 27 years, her stuff I never looked. Last night I decided to look, it is filled with sex books and sex things(not sure exactly what they're called, you get the idea). I now better understand all these online secret friends. Plus some of these secret friends text her phone so maybe they're local too. She has always been radically against pornography of any type. I've never had an interest in it either. Isn't that interesting? Totally against some thing that is her big secret. I hate living with lies and secrets, I'm feeling blessed today she is leaving. I know things will get better. She qualifies for ANOTHER 12 step program.
sad she's leaving, I'm more sad I'm not sad enough. To make things even more crazy,I got curious. There is a wicker basket on her side of the bed. It's been there for 27 years, her stuff I never looked. Last night I decided to look, it is filled with sex books and sex things(not sure exactly what they're called, you get the idea). I now better understand all these online secret friends. Plus some of these secret friends text her phone so maybe they're local too. She has always been radically against pornography of any type. I've never had an interest in it either. Isn't that interesting? Totally against some thing that is her big secret. I hate living with lies and secrets, I'm feeling blessed today she is leaving. I know things will get better. She qualifies for ANOTHER 12 step program.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
No problem with continued posting. I'm sorry you are going through the pain, I know it sucks.
Keep going to Alanon and working your program. I can tell you from experience it does get better.
Your friend,
Keep going to Alanon and working your program. I can tell you from experience it does get better.
Your friend,
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