I'm back
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
I'm back
Hey everyone,
I disappeared for awhile...as you all may guess I went back to drinking. And it's now ruining my life. I am still functional, going to work and paying my bills etc but personally I feel like the world is closing in on me. I never go out drinking in fear I will make a fool of myself. That being said, my friends therefore don't know that I struggle with this addiction. I am a closet alcoholic and put myself together very well. It's like living to lives and it's effing draining. Last night I did go out after drinking at home first (didn't drive--I have always been good with that). Well let's just say I did shots which I stay away from and became beliggerent and made a real fool of myself. I don't remember the drive home and my friend got me there even though I was an A@@hole to him. I apologized, he wants nothing to do with me. 1st relationship ruined. I feel like a POS. The guilt, shame, embarassment I feel is overwhelming. And I really don't even want to feel like this again. And I know the only way I can prevent that is to stop drinking. I am so scared to commit to it. Living without the crutch. But I am even more scared that if I don't stop I will burn every bridge, never find someone to settle down with, never be happy, lose my job as this progresses...the list goes on and on and on. I am scared to be sober and try to fill my time without craving wine which has been my "buddy" and my anti-anxiety agent. I've been sober before and remember how wonderful it felt. Why did I go back? Because I am an alcoholic and I stopped doing my recovery methods (going to AA, coming here, exercising, hanging with sober people). I am sorry this is long, just reaching out and hoping for some support which I know you will all provide. I am very grateful for that. Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow.
I disappeared for awhile...as you all may guess I went back to drinking. And it's now ruining my life. I am still functional, going to work and paying my bills etc but personally I feel like the world is closing in on me. I never go out drinking in fear I will make a fool of myself. That being said, my friends therefore don't know that I struggle with this addiction. I am a closet alcoholic and put myself together very well. It's like living to lives and it's effing draining. Last night I did go out after drinking at home first (didn't drive--I have always been good with that). Well let's just say I did shots which I stay away from and became beliggerent and made a real fool of myself. I don't remember the drive home and my friend got me there even though I was an A@@hole to him. I apologized, he wants nothing to do with me. 1st relationship ruined. I feel like a POS. The guilt, shame, embarassment I feel is overwhelming. And I really don't even want to feel like this again. And I know the only way I can prevent that is to stop drinking. I am so scared to commit to it. Living without the crutch. But I am even more scared that if I don't stop I will burn every bridge, never find someone to settle down with, never be happy, lose my job as this progresses...the list goes on and on and on. I am scared to be sober and try to fill my time without craving wine which has been my "buddy" and my anti-anxiety agent. I've been sober before and remember how wonderful it felt. Why did I go back? Because I am an alcoholic and I stopped doing my recovery methods (going to AA, coming here, exercising, hanging with sober people). I am sorry this is long, just reaching out and hoping for some support which I know you will all provide. I am very grateful for that. Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
welcome back quit 
I was scared to commit too...I didn't like my life much but it was the only one I knew.
I'm glad I faced my fear and trusted the people here who told me I'd never regret giving up for good.
I have a life - and a future - now I could never have envisaged in 2007.
Noone ever says - gee I'm glad I kept drinking...I would probably be dead now if I hadn't made that leap.
Tomorrow will be better...if you work to make it that way quit
Welcome back
D
I was scared to commit too...I didn't like my life much but it was the only one I knew.
I'm glad I faced my fear and trusted the people here who told me I'd never regret giving up for good.
I have a life - and a future - now I could never have envisaged in 2007.
Noone ever says - gee I'm glad I kept drinking...I would probably be dead now if I hadn't made that leap.
Tomorrow will be better...if you work to make it that way quit
Welcome back
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi and Welcome back!
This disease is relentless and it will continue to take everything from you unless you stop.
And, it gets harder and harder to get out of the downward spiral. Take a leap of faith and know that you will be able to live a sober life.
This disease is relentless and it will continue to take everything from you unless you stop.
And, it gets harder and harder to get out of the downward spiral. Take a leap of faith and know that you will be able to live a sober life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,071
Hey qfm! Glad you found your way back. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I also lost friends due to my drinking. I've found that actions truly speak louder than words, as the saying goes. Some of my friends did come back into my life (wary at first) when they saw how I was changing things. It did take some time, and some of them won't ever be back. I hope that your friend will forgive you with time like many of mine did. Remember how you felt when you were last sober? It's still possible. I relapsed so many times before I finally stopped, and now it's been over a year. If I can do it you can too. Hugs and congratulations on deciding to face your problem head on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
Thanks so much everyone...I feel like I am home again just getting your support It means the world to me. I know I can do this. Going to challenge myself one day at a time and hit the rooms like it's my job. Will keep you all posted (hugs)
It means the world to me. I know I can do this. Going to challenge myself one day at a time and hit the rooms like it's my job. Will keep you all posted (hugs)
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome back...
I sure hope this will be your time for lasting sobreity..
mine began...after a few fresh starts....when I committed to
working and living the AA Steps...
I sure hope this will be your time for lasting sobreity..
mine began...after a few fresh starts....when I committed to
working and living the AA Steps...
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Glad you're back, quitforme! Don't get too down on yourself - most of us have had to find out the hard way (sometimes many times 
). You can do this!
). You can do this!
“Scared and sacred are spelled with the same letters. Awful proceeds from the same root word as awesome. Terrify and terrific. Every negative experience holds the seed of transformation.”
― Alan Cohen
― Alan Cohen
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Southeast US
Posts: 332
Welcome back, qfm. I am new here myself (10 days) and have found the SR community to be so very helpful during my short recovery.
Your story sure sounded familiar: living a secret life and feeling drained. Feeling the shame associated with the whole thing. I have learned from that, just as you will learn from your past experiences.
I wish you all the luck in the days ahead.
Your story sure sounded familiar: living a secret life and feeling drained. Feeling the shame associated with the whole thing. I have learned from that, just as you will learn from your past experiences.
I wish you all the luck in the days ahead.
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