LifeRecovery

As some of you know I am taking a two year training in a therapy course.

We are learning something called Character Strategy. There are many strategies and we all pull from more than one. Each strategy has strengths and weaknesses. People that pull from one strategy have similarities from emotional reactions to how they see the world to how they hold tension in their bodies.

The last weekend of training I hit one of the strategies that I pull very strongly from. It was about how I see the world.

I consider myself a grateful person. However I truly in the core of my being do not see the world as one of abundance and wonder, but rather of scarcity, and that there will never be enough. I am grateful I have what I have, but feel like if I don't work hard enough....it will never be enough.

For example, I worry about finances, not because I find material items important, but because I am fearful I won't have enough for retirement. I comfortably pay all my bills, and pay for my support, (and into retirement accounts), this last week I even donated money to my normal charitable organizations (that I was afraid I was not going to be able to this year). However I can't seem to find the money in my life to put aside for a meal with a friend, a movie or other "fun" things.

In all honesty I struggle to even know what those "happy, joyous and free" things are to me.

On the F&F of Substance Abuse Ann posted a few days ago about the "in between stage" from Melody Beattie that I very much related to. Maybe that is some of it for me.

I feel like I exist in the world in a black and white TV. The picture is fine, and I can see the show clearly, but wonder what it would be like to see it all in color. Getting out of the scarcity mindset and seeing the world in abundance feels like it might do that.

So I would love to hear other's struggles around this, or even more importantly how you found your joy and was able to see the world as abundant.

Thanks for reading the long post, and as always letting me work my edge.

GettingBy

Oooh, great post and topic LifeRecovery.

Here's my take based on my here-and-now....

I too am a very grateful person. I have so many wonderful things to be thankful for. I'm blessed. That said, my life isn't exactly as I want right now. So for me, it boils down to a balance of acceptance and action. It's OKAY to want more out of my life. It's okay to want to have a little extra cash to "indulge" on things like dinner with friends or a movie out. I think it's good that I don't want to stay in my rental house forever. I have a long term plan of owning a home again... in due time.

In the meantime, I need to focus on what I need to work on making a plan to get myself closer to the long term goal. For me, I need to build my savings back up so I have the down payment. Based on my calcs, I should be there around March/April next year. Seems like a long time...and the whole crap with the XAH and his new house made me want to buy NOW... but the time isn't right.

Developing a Plan.
Working the Plan.
And being PATIENT

those are key. If I don't like where I'm at, I have to figure out what I need to do to change it... and get doing it!

Tuffgirl

I am going to take a stab at this, even though I am a little unclear about what "Character Strategy" means (I have an assumption!)

I view abundance in terms of opportunities, instead of wealth. I am thankful I live in a country where as a woman, I can get an education and have a profession. That I can vote. That I can raise kids by myself, own property, qualify for credit & loans, and make my own decisions. Shoot, I am grateful I can go out in public alone. There are places in the world today where women can't even do that!

I see the mystery and magic in my world every day. Just the other night, I took the dogs on an unknown trail in the foothills behind my house. Each twist and turn was an adventure, and it was misty and so...fresh...from the rain. Wildflowers and berries all over the place, and ferns taller than the dogs. The trees grew so close together that certain sections had a canopy of limbs. I wouldn't have been surprised to see some fairies or a unicorn around a corner! However, it is far more likely to see a moose or a bear, or even a fox! ; ) The act of doing something "new" was an adventure in itself!

I try to see beyond myself and my own little worries, frets, emotions every day to view life in the bigger picture. Want to feel small and insignificant? Climb a mountain and stand at the top. Go stargazing. Fly in a small airplane. Something that takes you outside of your usual every day monotony/narrow perspective, ya know?

Hope that all made sense...I've had a lot of coffee today!

P.S. I should say "my" monotony" - was using "your" in general terms...

LifeRecovery

GettingBy-

Reading your post brought the whole
Awareness
Acceptance
Action
piece to mind...especially some of Pelican's post on them recently.

I have some awareness and recovery in place, but as I wrote the post, and am writing this I realized that I don't have a lot of awareness of my NEEDS and my WANTS. I am not saying I can't tell the difference between the two, but that I am not sure what my own personal needs and wants are. I don't know what will fill me with joy.

Action is not hard for me, but if I don't have an awareness in place I can't accept that I have needs and wants and can't act on them.

Hmmm this is feeling like part of what I struggle with around boundaries too.

Maybe I need to make a Needs and Wants list.

Also I wonder if some of what I am feeling is the peace of where I am in life. I have divorced my problem drinker and it was pretty chaotic at the end. I am a long way from family (because I know that I can't take care of myself around them right now). I have a steady "good" job, a home, a car, long-standing friends etc. The most drama in my life is the snail infestation in my geraniums.

I feel like part of what got me into relationships (some friends too) with people with addictions is that I cannot figure out my own needs and wants, but I certainly found people that could identify their "needs" to the point of being needy. I don't have that any more to focus on so in the tranquility I have to sit with my own stuff so much more.

LifeRecovery

Character Strategy is not important...it was just what brought this line of thought up.

The rest of your post touches me. I used money as an example, but it is also the rest of what you describe that I struggle with.

I live in a part of the world with great hiking, biking and outdoor adventures. I love that stuff, and though I remain active in terms of exercise, won't "create" the opportunity to do those things. I won't set the time aside, will justify I don't have the time (or the gas money) etc.

In part some of it is a residual from not wanting to create plans because I never knew how my ex would act/react, but part is older than that. It is almost like I don't think I DESERVE to be in the world of the abundance on the hikes, unless I am doing it for "exercise."

I don't think I am depressed, though I could see how what I am writing about may come off that way. I feel grounded, maybe emotional, but stable.

I think I want it to stop feeling like work and feel like life.

fourmaggie

thats where i am at....

LifeRecovery

What are you finding useful for you?

Tuffgirl

As Nike says - Just Do It!

In all seriousness - I am a person who doesn't sit still very well. And I long for adventures, even if it is a new trail in the woods. Just something to shake things up, because in all reality, everyday life is boring!

I set the time aside, and the dogs don't let me forget either. My sister asked once how I have time every day to walk the dogs, and my answer to her is the same as above. I make the time. It is a priority. The other night, I didn't want to waste gas driving to a local trailhead. It was later in the evening, had been raining all day, I was tired and kinda cranky, and so I put them on leash, walked up the hill to the trails I had seen all summer but never ventured on, let them off leash, and away we went! I had great fun, got thoroughly soaked and muddy skipping streams and puddles, and the dogs were so darn happy.

LifeRecovery

I set the time aside for the two beasts to be exercised without fail (or I would not still have a home). It is jumping that invisible hurdle to mix it up, and to create the time "just because," to do it for fun.

Even with them I struggle. I have a fear agressive one, who I work very hard with, and don't struggle to create that time. The rambunctuous Riley, on the other hand is full of fun and vigor. I struggle to create the same kind of time for him....because it is "fun" not work. I did create the opportunity to do a "trick" class with him in October....but I feel defunct as a human because if it is "work" I can do it no problem. Fun on the other hand is work to create time for.

Speaking of dogs time to head home and tire them out.

Tuffgirl

So Life, sounds as if the issue is learning how to find the fun in it all again. And that may require a mindset change.

But I also read Ann's post on the in-between stage, http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...etting-go.html. and can relate to all of it. I am in between right now. It's not easy to be in this unfamiliar place, but instead of fear, I am choosing to view it as an adventure. I have no idea what's next in store for me, but I am sure going to have fun doing it!

Life is fleeting. We never know if each day may be our last. I want to make sure there is one thing in every given day that brings me a moment of joy and gratitude, because I think when my end comes, it will be those moments I think of. Some days it is as simple as a walk with the dogs. Some days its bigger than that; kind words from my kids, a hard job completed, a smile from a good looking man at the grocery store. But every day when I go to bed at night, I use those moments to chase away the wallowing thoughts that creep in.

LifeRecovery

Yes this is the part I am struggling with. The "wallowing" thoughts aren't there, so it does not feel bad, but it does not really feel good yet (even fleetingly). I am waiting for the lightbulb moment.

I am sick of looking at the hard stuff and want some of the lighter stuff....I feel like I am looking over a cliff (not to jump), but trying to build a bridge to get to the other side, and don't know how to engineer it, don't have the tools, but I really want to get there.

I think tomorrow I need to spend some time writing out a needs/wants list, that honestly is what is popping out for me as the problem, and where the disconnect is starting from.

fourmaggie

a friend wrote this on my text today...

Yesterday is HISTORY
TOMORROW is a MYSTERY
TODAY will be ok

the 3As put me in a place where i can be aware of myself and people place and things....its been a weird week is all..

lillamy

I think the word is synchronicity? This particular thought is coming at me from many sides in the past few weeks.

When I first left AXH, I became very nervous when my shelves, fridge, freezer, and pantry weren't stocked to the hilt. Forget that I'm the only one who enjoys oatmeal and that the Costco-sized oatmeal container would get old and icky before I could finish it -- I found a tremendous comfort and security in having more than enough food. (I may have talked about this here before, if so, forgive me.) At first, I saw it as an expression of my fear of not being able to feed my children -- but it goes much deeper than that, and it does reflect my view of the world.

I'm significantly overweight. I've never been significantly overweight in my life. Until now. And I can trace that to the same thinking: I have to [shop, eat, buy] now because otherwise I might not get any. It might go away. Like I'd really walk into my normal Kroger store and it would look like the Soviet Union stores in the 1970s? Really?

My partner has slowly helped me wean from this stockpiling craze. And this week, he laughed at me because he was out of town and called and asked what I had had for dinner. And three days in a row, the response was "cheese sandwiches, because that's all I have and I'm too lazy to go shopping."

HOWEVER -- when I did go shopping this morning, they were out of my favorite juice. And that gave me a mild anxiety attack. And I thought immediately of how I default back to a very basic belief that there's a shortage... and it's not just of food. Or juice. There's a shortage of love. Money. Time. Sunshine. You name it, I can get anxious because I don't think there's enough.

To me, that thinking is connected to an inability to let go. I cling -- to jobs after I'm really done with them; to friends even when I don't like them; to lovers even when I don't enjoy their company... It's connected to a fear of change. And it's all very foreign to me because I never thought I was afraid of change. Or didn't trust the abundance of the universe. And I'm wondering if it's always been like this, or if this way of thinking/feeling is a direct result of being married to AXH for 20 years? When there wasn't enough, ever.

I think it's a result of that marriage. Because I didn't use to feel this way.

LifeRecovery

I can get anxious because I don't think there is GOING to be enough. There is always enough, but I am never expecting that to be the case. I think I have always felt this, but I have not been so aware of it until recently, in part because I tried to cover it up in my relationship with my husband (he ridiculed me when I talked about this kind of stuff and/or my own recovery).

I have to think about it in terms of change.

I attempted to write a needs and wants list today. Surprise, surprise I am currently unable to do it....or even wrap my head around how to do it. I guess I have my topic for therapy this week. I am glad I decided to go back once weekly for a bit it is helping me feel more settled.

Thanks for all the replies. It feels kind of out there what I asked for, but it has given me a lot to think about.

I might bring it up as a topic at a meeting this week and see what I get.