Stop renting space in my head!!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Stop renting space in my head!!
10 days ago I checked the joint account and it, to my surprise, had $100 in it. AH has been the only one using it so I thought it would be negative. So I withdrew the money and closed the acct. then I spent the rest of the day with horrible fear and anxiety. Then I couldn't sleep. He has not emailed me once since then. I kept feeling like a thief taking money out of an acct I am joint owner on that I have paid more than that to get out of the negative more than once. I do something strong, then I punish myself.
The kids opted to call him the other night, and I hovered around like a specter, fretting. I could hear his voice on the phone, he was using his sweet as sugar voice to the kids, the one he uses when he is very angry with me. He managed to wheedle some info regarding our whereabouts, such as the name of the school they will be attending and some locational info. Another night I was unable to sleep. Why am I letting my emotional well being be taken hostage? What am I so afraid of, he has never physically hurt me, we've been married or almost 19 years. This is silly!
On top of that I keep ruminating on his life- where is he living? Is he really working? Does he have something to eat? have I thrown my family and security away or did he really abandon us? I hate this, I'm so stupid. On top of the stupid, I'm starting to feel angry. At least numb is over, though numb got me through the initial shock, the hard and scary decisions, the difficult move, sorting the financials and getting a lawyer and filling out the divorce papers. All difficult things for me. At times I felt like a marionette, strings being pulled by some part of myself that resolved to keep going.
I'm receiving counseling weekly from the female minister at our church. She says I am doing very well with all that has been thrown at me. She says I need to change the tape in my head that replays abusive things. I know what she is saying but I can be a real jerk sometimes and maybe I drove AH to being an angry, stressed addict by being lazy and having too many kids too soon and not finding a way to work sooner and putting therapy for our disabled child on credit. I feel like I ruined him or something. All I see are my faults and shortcomings. I know better but this is how I feel and I know I start oo many threads but I'm suddenly having such a hard time processing all the changes, my new reality.
The kids opted to call him the other night, and I hovered around like a specter, fretting. I could hear his voice on the phone, he was using his sweet as sugar voice to the kids, the one he uses when he is very angry with me. He managed to wheedle some info regarding our whereabouts, such as the name of the school they will be attending and some locational info. Another night I was unable to sleep. Why am I letting my emotional well being be taken hostage? What am I so afraid of, he has never physically hurt me, we've been married or almost 19 years. This is silly!
On top of that I keep ruminating on his life- where is he living? Is he really working? Does he have something to eat? have I thrown my family and security away or did he really abandon us? I hate this, I'm so stupid. On top of the stupid, I'm starting to feel angry. At least numb is over, though numb got me through the initial shock, the hard and scary decisions, the difficult move, sorting the financials and getting a lawyer and filling out the divorce papers. All difficult things for me. At times I felt like a marionette, strings being pulled by some part of myself that resolved to keep going.
I'm receiving counseling weekly from the female minister at our church. She says I am doing very well with all that has been thrown at me. She says I need to change the tape in my head that replays abusive things. I know what she is saying but I can be a real jerk sometimes and maybe I drove AH to being an angry, stressed addict by being lazy and having too many kids too soon and not finding a way to work sooner and putting therapy for our disabled child on credit. I feel like I ruined him or something. All I see are my faults and shortcomings. I know better but this is how I feel and I know I start oo many threads but I'm suddenly having such a hard time processing all the changes, my new reality.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
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You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
Erica, 19 years is a long time and like you I find myself wondering some of the same things why? well I can only guess it is a process your grieving you have come so far please go back and reread your old post.
I have commented to friends who worry my AH may hurt me that he has never they remind me i do NOT know what all he is on nor do I know him anymore.
You can't control it
You can't cure it
Erica, 19 years is a long time and like you I find myself wondering some of the same things why? well I can only guess it is a process your grieving you have come so far please go back and reread your old post.
I have commented to friends who worry my AH may hurt me that he has never they remind me i do NOT know what all he is on nor do I know him anymore.
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I hear you CB, isn't it odd to not know someone anymore after so many years. I reread my first post and what a stressed mess I was, contemplating leaving my job to move out of state to his insanity. I felt lik I was heading for a brick wall.
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Erica, please read Ann's post "In Between -- Letting Go" ASAP! It may help you start to sort through some of your emotions related to the past and help you stay focused on the present "in between."
I was in an emotionally abusive and manipulative marriage for 17 years and you are the only one who knows your AH. Do what you need to do to be safe and to feel secure. I suspect there's emotional abuse happening, but you also have to realize your part in it, like the fretting and hovering and the analyzing of the sound of his voice when he's talking to the children. That is not abuse on your part, but you are unnecessarily exposing yourself to him and taking it all inside. I did that for years to placate my EX and it didn't do anyone ANY good in the long run.
Remember the healthy choices & living that you are modeling for your children. Try to stay calm and loving inside yourself and towards them. Think of things you can do that will diffuse your agitation and anxiety. It sounds like you have made great progress towards a new and happier life. Make a list of all the good things you have done and keep it in your purse or under your pillow. Take care.
I was in an emotionally abusive and manipulative marriage for 17 years and you are the only one who knows your AH. Do what you need to do to be safe and to feel secure. I suspect there's emotional abuse happening, but you also have to realize your part in it, like the fretting and hovering and the analyzing of the sound of his voice when he's talking to the children. That is not abuse on your part, but you are unnecessarily exposing yourself to him and taking it all inside. I did that for years to placate my EX and it didn't do anyone ANY good in the long run.
Remember the healthy choices & living that you are modeling for your children. Try to stay calm and loving inside yourself and towards them. Think of things you can do that will diffuse your agitation and anxiety. It sounds like you have made great progress towards a new and happier life. Make a list of all the good things you have done and keep it in your purse or under your pillow. Take care.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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I like to use visuals. So when I am playing a tape over and over in my head that causes me anxiety, I visualize that I am putting it (the tape, my fears, etc) in a basket or box and handing it to God. I release it. Sometimes, I have to do this several times in just an hour.
You have been "brainwashed" in a sense....therapy and time will help. Someday, you will look back and be like OMgoshhhh, what was I thinking? It will be an awesome moment.
I look forward to reading that post!!
You have been "brainwashed" in a sense....therapy and time will help. Someday, you will look back and be like OMgoshhhh, what was I thinking? It will be an awesome moment.
I look forward to reading that post!!
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Erica, each time I read this I get caught right here
I kept feeling like a thief taking money out of an acct I am joint owner on that I have paid more than that to get out of the negative more than once. I do something strong, then I punish myself
My thought on that are addicts when they are recovering have to rewire their brains, I think we do as well maybe your responding to yourself in a way he would have?
Still walking on eggshells so to speak even with him not there? I know at times I over think things and that throws me into a tailspin.
I kept feeling like a thief taking money out of an acct I am joint owner on that I have paid more than that to get out of the negative more than once. I do something strong, then I punish myself
My thought on that are addicts when they are recovering have to rewire their brains, I think we do as well maybe your responding to yourself in a way he would have?
Still walking on eggshells so to speak even with him not there? I know at times I over think things and that throws me into a tailspin.
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Outtolunch, I know he did and his promises are BS.
Angie, I do need to reprogram because I am still walking on eggshells and he isn't even here.
He wrote our son a letter today, I am assuming that the girls will be getting their own soon. It had $20, a pic of himself with a handwritten sign saying "I love (name of son)", and a letter that started off "Dearest and most handsome son...". When does he ever write like that? Never! Then he went on to say he loves him and can't wait to play ball in the backyard, and go here or there. He isn't even HERE! I felt like the letter was manipulative and misleading. Plus, he rarely if ever played ball in the backyard when he was here to do it, could barely get him to teach the kids to ride bikes. Makes me mad. So 11 yr old DD says why didn't she get a letter. My son says probably because you didn't talk to him. Which better not be the case!! There better be a letter for the other two soon. But if he has $60 to spare, then he has money now.
Angie, I do need to reprogram because I am still walking on eggshells and he isn't even here.
He wrote our son a letter today, I am assuming that the girls will be getting their own soon. It had $20, a pic of himself with a handwritten sign saying "I love (name of son)", and a letter that started off "Dearest and most handsome son...". When does he ever write like that? Never! Then he went on to say he loves him and can't wait to play ball in the backyard, and go here or there. He isn't even HERE! I felt like the letter was manipulative and misleading. Plus, he rarely if ever played ball in the backyard when he was here to do it, could barely get him to teach the kids to ride bikes. Makes me mad. So 11 yr old DD says why didn't she get a letter. My son says probably because you didn't talk to him. Which better not be the case!! There better be a letter for the other two soon. But if he has $60 to spare, then he has money now.
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..All the things they are GOING to do......but have never done.
The purpose is to ignite hope,hope of a better tomorrow---and to
blind one to the immutable fact that the best predictor of future
performance....is past performance.
It is cruelty at it's most basic.
A cessation of beatings in a sea of beatings is seen as an island.
(beatings can be physical or emotional)
Enough of this and the subject stops asking "what gives you the
right to hurt me" and starts saying "thank you for stopping".
You have the right to stop this at any time.
The purpose is to ignite hope,hope of a better tomorrow---and to
blind one to the immutable fact that the best predictor of future
performance....is past performance.
It is cruelty at it's most basic.
A cessation of beatings in a sea of beatings is seen as an island.
(beatings can be physical or emotional)
Enough of this and the subject stops asking "what gives you the
right to hurt me" and starts saying "thank you for stopping".
You have the right to stop this at any time.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Vale, just the tone of the letter set off red flags. My mother was schizophrenic so my father had full custody but we would go stay with her twice a year. She would pull guilt on us about how much she misses us and don't we want to come live with her, on and on until we would be crying and say yes. Then she would say, well you can't because the judge gave you to daddy. So confusing! When I was older my dad sat me down and explained that through the whole custody case, my mother never showed up in court. So all words no action. She said things to us to soothe her guilt for her failings as a mother (though not all her fault). I felt AH was doing the same. If he really wanted to be around to play ball with his son, he would have come back from TX, found a job here, anything to be with his kids if that is truly what he wanted.
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Erica, I do hope you see this for what it is he is using the kids against you trying to make you appear to be the "bad" guy. The $20.00 IMO was a desperate measure of manipulation, I wouldn't count on the other two getting any money it could happen but my opinion is that right now he is using the child he feels can get him the what he wants and that is back in the door an investment that is woth it to him because in his mind it WILL work.
Have you talked to the kids any about why you and dad are not living together?
Keep working on you getting healthier you can do this Erica, I know you can keep going to meetings, reading, posting, reading your old post.
Tell yourself what you would tell a sister or very close friend or even your daughter if this was happening in her future.
Hugs,
Have you talked to the kids any about why you and dad are not living together?
Keep working on you getting healthier you can do this Erica, I know you can keep going to meetings, reading, posting, reading your old post.
Tell yourself what you would tell a sister or very close friend or even your daughter if this was happening in her future.
Hugs,
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Just an update, he was served on aug 1. Didn't know until I became privy to some conversation between him and his uncle. AH said he is happy and sad, but is not letting anything interfere with his sobriety. He said he is remaining out of state for a year and doing his twelve steps. he never mentions anything about the kids at all, no custody concerns, nothing. I just don't get it. I'm not upset, it is freeing to know he was found and served, it also means he really is holding a job. I think what I am feeling is baffled.
To thine own self be true.
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Just read through this thread. Your AH is a sick, manipulative person. What kind of person plays mind games with a child!?!?
Yes you are baffled, because these people are sick and we just cannot understand the way they think. I think you are still expecting normal out of this guy. But you're never going to get it.
Yes you are baffled, because these people are sick and we just cannot understand the way they think. I think you are still expecting normal out of this guy. But you're never going to get it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Hey, I hear ya! It gets better. Try to detox from him....which is hard.
Btw, totally off subject, BUT going through it I thought I might offer some advice. While you asking for custody,you might want to ask that IF your AH is MIA for 2 months he loses all custodial/visitation rights and from that point it is up to you and your gut. You can at least throw that little claus in there, and then see if hubby, lawyer and judge accept it. Wish I would have known to do this bc my sweet little addict was absent for 2.5 months and just popped in...I feel like we are at an addicts whim which is so unfair. Hang in there mama.
Btw, totally off subject, BUT going through it I thought I might offer some advice. While you asking for custody,you might want to ask that IF your AH is MIA for 2 months he loses all custodial/visitation rights and from that point it is up to you and your gut. You can at least throw that little claus in there, and then see if hubby, lawyer and judge accept it. Wish I would have known to do this bc my sweet little addict was absent for 2.5 months and just popped in...I feel like we are at an addicts whim which is so unfair. Hang in there mama.
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Originally Posted by FindingErica 
Just an update, he was served on aug 1. Didn't know until I became privy to some conversation between him and his uncle. AH said he is happy and sad, but is not letting anything interfere with his sobriety. He said he is remaining out of state for a year and doing his twelve steps. he never mentions anything about the kids at all, no custody concerns, nothing. I just don't get it. I'm not upset, it is freeing to know he was found and served, it also means he really is holding a job. I think what I am feeling is baffled.
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CB, the $20 was postmarked 2 days before he got served, but he was manipulating, no doubt.
Story, what a great idea. I want the right to say hit the road if I find him to be not right for the kids.
L2L, I wrote something else but scratched it because I was making excuses. Yep, he's a manipulative whack job and my problem is he has been the person I relied on for 2 decades and it is hard to see that he was not that person. It is almost like being blind, and though perceiving some things, others see him clearly and I have to rely on the perception of others who have not been sucked into his whirlwind for years to accurately point stuff out to me.
Story, what a great idea. I want the right to say hit the road if I find him to be not right for the kids.
L2L, I wrote something else but scratched it because I was making excuses. Yep, he's a manipulative whack job and my problem is he has been the person I relied on for 2 decades and it is hard to see that he was not that person. It is almost like being blind, and though perceiving some things, others see him clearly and I have to rely on the perception of others who have not been sucked into his whirlwind for years to accurately point stuff out to me.
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