Do I let my dad go forever?
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Do I let my dad go forever?
I've posted on the substance abuse forum before about my alcohol and cocaine use. But I wanted some advice today about my father.
Growing up, I loved my dad. He was fun loving and a good provider. I remember my mother and him fighting a lot and I knew even at a young age that he sometimes drank too much.
When I was 10 years old, he left us (I have a younger brother as well). He just came home one day and told my mom he no longer loved her and wanted a divorce. He left within the week and our house foreclosed on us. It turned out he had gotten drunk with a buddy from work some time before that who had gotten him to try crack and he had been spending the mortgage on drugs behind my mom's back. She was oblivious. She was a suburban housewife who let her husband deal with the bills and hadn't worked since before my brother was born. Regardless, he left, we were ******, mom had to scramble to keep us afloat, which she couldn't. We ended up on welfare.
I don't want to be too long winded here. Basically, we'd go spend weekends with him at my grandparents' house and most of the time he wouldn't be there or he'd stop in for a second, make an excuse and take off. I know now that he was deep in his addiction and had to go get high. When my grandparents moved to another city 6 hours away, my dad followed under the pretense that he needed a new environment to get sober. But I know it was so that he could continue to leech off my grandparents and be enabled, because he continued his use out there too. We'd take long bus rides to visit him twice a year. Which turned to once a year, once every two....I haven't seen him in atleast two years now, I'm 26. My brother hasn't seen him in a lot longer and claims to have no interest.
Once in a while, I'll look him up and give him a call but it's always awkward. We don't know each other anymore and don't know what to say. He sent my mom a letter from rehab a couple years ago that basically said he had been molested as a child by a relative (no one had ever known this) and that he wanted to stop using but it was so hard because he feels so much guilt over leaving my brother and i and when he thinks about it, it hurts and leads him to use.
When does one "give up" on their parent? I don't mean, turn my back until he cleans up. I mean, really give up and go on with life like he doesn't even exist? HOW does one do that? I know my father loves me and I love him but this relationship is so disappointing and so hurtful. Who's going to walk me down the aisle one day? What will I tell my children about their grandpa? I've been wanting to re-establish contact again but in a way I feel like a fool...
Growing up, I loved my dad. He was fun loving and a good provider. I remember my mother and him fighting a lot and I knew even at a young age that he sometimes drank too much.
When I was 10 years old, he left us (I have a younger brother as well). He just came home one day and told my mom he no longer loved her and wanted a divorce. He left within the week and our house foreclosed on us. It turned out he had gotten drunk with a buddy from work some time before that who had gotten him to try crack and he had been spending the mortgage on drugs behind my mom's back. She was oblivious. She was a suburban housewife who let her husband deal with the bills and hadn't worked since before my brother was born. Regardless, he left, we were ******, mom had to scramble to keep us afloat, which she couldn't. We ended up on welfare.
I don't want to be too long winded here. Basically, we'd go spend weekends with him at my grandparents' house and most of the time he wouldn't be there or he'd stop in for a second, make an excuse and take off. I know now that he was deep in his addiction and had to go get high. When my grandparents moved to another city 6 hours away, my dad followed under the pretense that he needed a new environment to get sober. But I know it was so that he could continue to leech off my grandparents and be enabled, because he continued his use out there too. We'd take long bus rides to visit him twice a year. Which turned to once a year, once every two....I haven't seen him in atleast two years now, I'm 26. My brother hasn't seen him in a lot longer and claims to have no interest.
Once in a while, I'll look him up and give him a call but it's always awkward. We don't know each other anymore and don't know what to say. He sent my mom a letter from rehab a couple years ago that basically said he had been molested as a child by a relative (no one had ever known this) and that he wanted to stop using but it was so hard because he feels so much guilt over leaving my brother and i and when he thinks about it, it hurts and leads him to use.
When does one "give up" on their parent? I don't mean, turn my back until he cleans up. I mean, really give up and go on with life like he doesn't even exist? HOW does one do that? I know my father loves me and I love him but this relationship is so disappointing and so hurtful. Who's going to walk me down the aisle one day? What will I tell my children about their grandpa? I've been wanting to re-establish contact again but in a way I feel like a fool...
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Hi Devushka, I am an adult child of an alcoholic. My dad has been drinking for well over 50 years. Our family struggled in many ways due to the alcoholism, financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc. I became involved with Al-Anon over 15 years ago, because my life had been affected by the disease of addiction. By learning about addiction and attending Al-Anon meetings, I began to understand what had happened to my family and why. I strongly recommend you look into Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA). ACOA will help you to understand how you have been affected.
Regarding letting go of your dad and moving on with your life: I have done it. I have learned how to detach from my dad with love, compassion, and understanding, because of Al-Anon. I have a relationship with my dad that my siblings do not. At a certain point in life, I was able to finally see my dad not just as my dad but as a separate person. I was able to accept him for who he is, disease and all. And I was able to let go of all the hopes, dreams and expectations that having a "dad" meant to me. And you can too.
Regarding letting go of your dad and moving on with your life: I have done it. I have learned how to detach from my dad with love, compassion, and understanding, because of Al-Anon. I have a relationship with my dad that my siblings do not. At a certain point in life, I was able to finally see my dad not just as my dad but as a separate person. I was able to accept him for who he is, disease and all. And I was able to let go of all the hopes, dreams and expectations that having a "dad" meant to me. And you can too.
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Originally Posted by Devushka25 
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He sent my mom a letter from rehab a couple years ago that basically said he had been molested as a child by a relative (no one had ever known this) and that he wanted to stop using but it was so hard because he feels so much guilt over leaving my brother and i and when he thinks about it, it hurts and leads him to use.
He sent my mom a letter from rehab a couple years ago that basically said he had been molested as a child by a relative (no one had ever known this) and that he wanted to stop using but it was so hard because he feels so much guilt over leaving my brother and i and when he thinks about it, it hurts and leads him to use.
His behaviors are that of a bio dad, not a father. Addicts/alcoholics are not competent to parent. Serious millions of bio dads have walk away from their families for a million different reasons. It says all that can be said about their lack of character. While it hurts, it's not personal. He never used drugs at you. Know what I mean?
Have you considered getting some therapy to help you work through your feelings about him? Could it hurt?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Move on with your life as unfortunately your dad may never be there for you. I know how bad it hurts to lose a parent to addiction. I had an addicted mother and waited/hoped for years that she will change which never happened.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
He was the adult. You were the children.
The onus falls on him to become the person you deserve, before having a role in your life. He must clean up and make living amends - that is up to him.
It is not up to you to chase him, trying to maintain anything with him.
CLMI
The onus falls on him to become the person you deserve, before having a role in your life. He must clean up and make living amends - that is up to him.
It is not up to you to chase him, trying to maintain anything with him.
CLMI
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
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Thanks for the advice everyone. I have looked into Al-Anon and ACOA, but I've never actually gone to a meeting. I probably should.
I guess I just feel like if I let him really go or don't make any effort whatsoever, it would be sending a message to him... one that might cause him to spiral even further. It's almost like I think the longer I can try to keep some semblance of a relationship together, the longer I can hold onto hope that maybe he'll come back to me? I know rationally that this thinking isn't correct, but I love my dad and I sort of feel sorry/pity him
I guess I just feel like if I let him really go or don't make any effort whatsoever, it would be sending a message to him... one that might cause him to spiral even further. It's almost like I think the longer I can try to keep some semblance of a relationship together, the longer I can hold onto hope that maybe he'll come back to me? I know rationally that this thinking isn't correct, but I love my dad and I sort of feel sorry/pity him
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First, I would like to say I am sorry for what your going through. I just recently realized I am ACOH not sure why it took me so long...
You said you were 10 and are now 26 that is 16 years minimum he has been spiraling down your not powerful enough to make him spiral. Never feel guilty about his use you can't save him from that.
When does one "give up" on their parent? I don't mean, turn my back until he cleans up. I mean, really give up and go on with life like he doesn't even exist? HOW does one do that? I know my father loves me and I love him but this relationship is so disappointing and so hurtful. Who's going to walk me down the aisle one day? What will I tell my children about their grandpa? I've been wanting to re-establish contact again but in a way I feel like a fool...
My father was sitting in a bar drinking while my uncle walked me down the aisle is that what I had pictured no, you tell your children the truth if you have any now be age appropriate... with you and you dad not having much of a relationship Ican't see children really asking if you don't have any if they are not growing up around him that will feel normal to them.
I feel this more about you figuring out how to let go? I am an only daughter I know how we are daddy's princess when we are younger my daughter is 22 and her father is now an addict and she is having a hard time accepting what he has become.
I hope you will attend some meetings and be able too get to a content place have you looked at why you want to establish contact again?
You said you were 10 and are now 26 that is 16 years minimum he has been spiraling down your not powerful enough to make him spiral. Never feel guilty about his use you can't save him from that.
When does one "give up" on their parent? I don't mean, turn my back until he cleans up. I mean, really give up and go on with life like he doesn't even exist? HOW does one do that? I know my father loves me and I love him but this relationship is so disappointing and so hurtful. Who's going to walk me down the aisle one day? What will I tell my children about their grandpa? I've been wanting to re-establish contact again but in a way I feel like a fool...
My father was sitting in a bar drinking while my uncle walked me down the aisle is that what I had pictured no, you tell your children the truth if you have any now be age appropriate... with you and you dad not having much of a relationship Ican't see children really asking if you don't have any if they are not growing up around him that will feel normal to them.
I feel this more about you figuring out how to let go? I am an only daughter I know how we are daddy's princess when we are younger my daughter is 22 and her father is now an addict and she is having a hard time accepting what he has become.
I hope you will attend some meetings and be able too get to a content place have you looked at why you want to establish contact again?
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I've been thinking about re-establishing contact because this is the longest we've gone without. And also because his side of the family is very wrapped up in his addiction. They know he uses drugs and my grandpa's really old school and very tough with him, but my grandmother does enable him. Every time he leaves detox and decides he wants to work again (under the table because he hasn't paid a lick of child support in years), she'll buy him a vehicle, get his teeth fixed, pay his first month's rent, that sort of thing because she thinks if she doesn't he won't be able to work and will be defeated and start using again. Neither of them will talk to my mother because they resent how far she's gone through Family Maintenance programs to get him to pay child support, he can no longer insure a vehicle or renew his license until he pays a portion of his arrears. As a result, they don't phone the house to talk to my brother and never phone me either. Basically, if I want a relationship with them, I have to also have one with my dad. It's complicated.
I'm also getting older and my expectations have changed. I don't think my dad will get clean for any long, sustainable amount of time. I've given up on that dream. I don't expect him to really be a DAD either. I feel like I'm in a place where maybe we could have a different sort of relationship, but one nonetheless? Does that make sense? Simply put, I miss him.
My mother gets really maudlin and sad at the idea of me re-establishing contact. She thinks I'll just be disappointed again, she's probably right, and that he'll just end up hurting me like he always has. The last time I made the 6 hour trip to see him and we made a movie date, with the intention of late dinner afterward, I sat alone in the theater for the first 45 mins before I realized he wasn't late, he just wasn't coming.
The other thing is....because I feel sorry for him and I've always felt like I have to defend him against my mother, I've never let myself be honest with him. When he stood me up, and finally called me the next day with his lame excuse (which I don't even remember), I found myself consoling him and telling him it was alright, even though it wasn't. When my brother stopped wanting to come with me to see my dad, I would make excuses to protect my dad from knowing that my brother just flat out didn't want to be there. I've always coddled him from the truth because I don't want to hurt him or make him feel guiltier than he already does. I have the same habit with my mother actually. And I'm starting to feel like I want to re-establish contact just so I can finally be honest and let it all out, like maybe that could be the catalyst for some sort of change? Even saying that though, I know it sounds horribly naive. At the very least, maybe it would give me some closure?
I'm also getting older and my expectations have changed. I don't think my dad will get clean for any long, sustainable amount of time. I've given up on that dream. I don't expect him to really be a DAD either. I feel like I'm in a place where maybe we could have a different sort of relationship, but one nonetheless? Does that make sense? Simply put, I miss him.
My mother gets really maudlin and sad at the idea of me re-establishing contact. She thinks I'll just be disappointed again, she's probably right, and that he'll just end up hurting me like he always has. The last time I made the 6 hour trip to see him and we made a movie date, with the intention of late dinner afterward, I sat alone in the theater for the first 45 mins before I realized he wasn't late, he just wasn't coming.
The other thing is....because I feel sorry for him and I've always felt like I have to defend him against my mother, I've never let myself be honest with him. When he stood me up, and finally called me the next day with his lame excuse (which I don't even remember), I found myself consoling him and telling him it was alright, even though it wasn't. When my brother stopped wanting to come with me to see my dad, I would make excuses to protect my dad from knowing that my brother just flat out didn't want to be there. I've always coddled him from the truth because I don't want to hurt him or make him feel guiltier than he already does. I have the same habit with my mother actually. And I'm starting to feel like I want to re-establish contact just so I can finally be honest and let it all out, like maybe that could be the catalyst for some sort of change? Even saying that though, I know it sounds horribly naive. At the very least, maybe it would give me some closure?
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These are just my opinions.
It doesn't have to be forever, it can be just for today.
As for my opinion of your grandmother. I disagree, emphatically.
She is angry with your mother, for what? Fighting for her children?
This is a man, AND family who abandoned you.
It is not your mother's fault, that your father left you.
If your grandmother can pay for her adult son to go to the dentist.. I'm sure she could also CHOOSE to pay some of that child support debt. (so he can work? Get a license?)
You are an adult now. You can do what you want to. But just keep in mind, someday your grandmother will not be there to take care of your father. If you think, detaching today is hard... It could be far worse. Far harder.
This would be my advise to you. Take care of yourself FIRST! Then the people who have been there for you. I call it, "mutual expectations." Priorities.
I no longer prioritize people who I am not a priority to.
(I learned that the hard way!!)
Oh honey... I pray... ANY MAN who stands you up for a movie. (I DON'T care WHY)
He should NOT walk you down the aisle-
Nor should he be standing at the end of it.
Saying, no for YOURSELF... today. JUST TODAY!!!!
Will help you to say no in the future.
It doesn't have to be forever, it can be just for today.
As for my opinion of your grandmother. I disagree, emphatically.
She is angry with your mother, for what? Fighting for her children?
This is a man, AND family who abandoned you.
It is not your mother's fault, that your father left you.
If your grandmother can pay for her adult son to go to the dentist.. I'm sure she could also CHOOSE to pay some of that child support debt. (so he can work? Get a license?)
You are an adult now. You can do what you want to. But just keep in mind, someday your grandmother will not be there to take care of your father. If you think, detaching today is hard... It could be far worse. Far harder.
This would be my advise to you. Take care of yourself FIRST! Then the people who have been there for you. I call it, "mutual expectations." Priorities.
I no longer prioritize people who I am not a priority to.
(I learned that the hard way!!)
Oh honey... I pray... ANY MAN who stands you up for a movie. (I DON'T care WHY)
He should NOT walk you down the aisle-
Nor should he be standing at the end of it.
Saying, no for YOURSELF... today. JUST TODAY!!!!
Will help you to say no in the future.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by StillLearning1
These are just my opinions.
It doesn't have to be forever, it can be just for today.
As for my opinion of your grandmother. I disagree, emphatically.
She is angry with your mother, for what? Fighting for her children?
This is a man, AND family who abandoned you.
It is not your mother's fault, that your father left you.
If your grandmother can pay for her adult son to go to the dentist.. I'm sure she could also CHOOSE to pay some of that child support debt. (so he can work? Get a license?)
You are an adult now. You can do what you want to. But just keep in mind, someday your grandmother will not be there to take care of your father. If you think, detaching today is hard... It could be far worse. Far harder.
This would be my advise to you. Take care of yourself FIRST! Then the people who have been there for you. I call it, "mutual expectations." Priorities.
I no longer prioritize people who I am not a priority to.
(I learned that the hard way!!)
Oh honey... I pray... ANY MAN who stands you up for a movie. (I DON'T care WHY)
He should NOT walk you down the aisle-
Nor should he be standing at the end of it.
Saying, no for YOURSELF... today. JUST TODAY!!!!
Will help you to say no in the future.
It doesn't have to be forever, it can be just for today.
As for my opinion of your grandmother. I disagree, emphatically.
She is angry with your mother, for what? Fighting for her children?
This is a man, AND family who abandoned you.
It is not your mother's fault, that your father left you.
If your grandmother can pay for her adult son to go to the dentist.. I'm sure she could also CHOOSE to pay some of that child support debt. (so he can work? Get a license?)
You are an adult now. You can do what you want to. But just keep in mind, someday your grandmother will not be there to take care of your father. If you think, detaching today is hard... It could be far worse. Far harder.
This would be my advise to you. Take care of yourself FIRST! Then the people who have been there for you. I call it, "mutual expectations." Priorities.
I no longer prioritize people who I am not a priority to.
(I learned that the hard way!!)
Oh honey... I pray... ANY MAN who stands you up for a movie. (I DON'T care WHY)
He should NOT walk you down the aisle-
Nor should he be standing at the end of it.
Saying, no for YOURSELF... today. JUST TODAY!!!!
Will help you to say no in the future.
Thank you very much. I read this earlier in the day and was thinking about what you said all night at work. I hadn't thought far ahead enough yet about what I would do if I reopened a relationship with him then had something happen to my grandmother... Scary. I know myself. If he was lacking the support she provides, as much as I would not want to enable, I know I would. I have a demeanor and personality that I am aware is way too easy to take advantage of. I've got that bleeding heart syndrome.
I am still wondering though about the last part of what I said.
"I'm starting to feel like I want to re-establish contact just so I can finally be honest and let it all out, like maybe that could be the catalyst for some sort of change? Even saying that though, I know it sounds horribly naive. At the very least, maybe it would give me some closure?"
Like I said, I've never been honest with this man my entire life. And as much as I feel sorry for him, though I definitely know rationally I shouldn't, I also harbor a lot of anger and hurt. It was easier as a child and adolescent to deny those feelings. But as I get closer to that big 3-0 and work my butt off everyday to put myself through school, pay my bills and be responsible in life and in my relationships, the more these feelings are surfacing. I think because I'm an adult and I now realize what it takes to be one, I have a new perspective and it's harder and harder to justify or rationalize his selfish actions. I rehearse this long, brutally honest and emotional talk with him in my head all the time. All the things I've wanted to tell him since I was a little girl. All the experiences I've had in my life because of him. All the side effects in my life and all the horrible things I've done or let others do to me because of him. (I know I'm accountable but it's undeniable that his abandonment and addiction have not had a real impact). I just have so much of this toxic garbage inside of me, and I want so badly to spew it all out. I want him to really, truly know exactly what he's done to me. I want him to hurt. I know he already does, he must unless he's inhuman. But I crave closure. If I can't have the relationship with him I've wanted for so goddamn long and prayed and hoped and dreamed for, I want to atleast say my peace once and for all, damn the consequences. But I feel like such a wretched, awful, selfish person for feeling this way. I've literally made myself cry typing that out. How would I ever get through actually saying it all?
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Originally Posted by Devushka25
I guess I just feel like if I let him really go or don't make any effort whatsoever, it would be sending a message to him... one that might cause him to spiral even further.
Originally Posted by Devushka25
Every time he leaves detox and decides he wants to work again (under the table because he hasn't paid a lick of child support in years), she'll buy him a vehicle, get his teeth fixed, pay his first month's rent, that sort of thing because she thinks if she doesn't he won't be able to work and will be defeated and start using again.
Recovery or not, is an inside job. His mother is a super enabler. Nothing you can do about that, either.
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Originally Posted by Devushka25
"I'm starting to feel like I want to re-establish contact just so I can finally be honest and let it all out, like maybe that could be the catalyst for some sort of change? Even saying that though, I know it sounds horribly naive. At the very least, maybe it would give me some closure?"
Drugs have rewired his brain to protect and sustain his addiction, at any cost.
If love and caring were all it took to snap an addict out of it, none of us would be here.
Closure is highly over rated and is often the rational we use to justify our own behaviors. Does it make sense to seek some counseling to help you gain some perspective over this situation. Your dad's addiction has tramatized the whole family for many years. None of you deserved this.
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