MamaKit

Hello everyone,
How thankful I feel to have found this forum. I have been particularly helped by the "tough talk" (for lack of a better term) that is often given with such kindness. I think this kind of talk is what I need more of.
I am separated from my husband who is from a long line of alcoholics. Our marriage was in trouble for years - primarily because of the drinking. But I stuck it out for all the common reasons; shame, guilt, social implications, fear of his reaction, our two beautiful boys etc.... We've hit all of the cliche milestones, the most significant being the escalating verbal abuse and controlling ways, the lies and the financial ruin. No DWIs. He liked to drink alone in the basement with the lawmmower and the cat litter box.
Last year I was ready to bail until we came upon an opportunity for him to work across the country in a new field. (He hadn't worked in years and burned every bridge in the state with people in his profession). The plan was he would get himself together, get a new career and all the excuses for drinking, lying and being just plain mean would be gone!
Every visit home was worse. Cold, mean, controlling. He ultimately got fired out there - I don't know for sure but alcohol was likely a factor. By the way, he didn't tell me about the job loss, I figured it out. LIed to me for over a month about it. He looked terrible and felt worse physically.
His last visit home he pressured me to make a decision about our marriage. I told him I thought it was too far gone. He got very angry and forced me to leave our house so he could have the remainder of his visit alone with our boys. My anxious older boy would not go but my younger one agreed to stay. Within hours he was passed out after throwing things around the house and really frightening my 9 year old who called me to come get him. I picked up the youngest and fled. AH threatened to come get me and that I'd be sorry. He ultimately threatened me by saying our children would be parentless (after he broke every dish in the house)! I called police and he was arrested.
He's back across country and has abided by his condition of release not to contact me.

SO why do I feel guilty for filing a protection from abuse complaint? Why am I working so hard to make sure the kids and he have communication? How will I ever feel okay with him being with our boys?
On paper, I know I am doing all of the right things. But I don't feel it. I waffle between being so worried about his response to my actions and feeling like I betrayed him.

I've written enough for now. So much more to get out there.

Katiekate

Hi Mamakit, welcome.

What kind of help or support are you getting for yourself and your children.

You have been traumatized, It will take time to process and grieve, my guess is you are stuggling from emotional , physical, mental and spiritual exhaustion.

I'm so sorry for you pain, please keep posting.

love to you and your children, Katie

MamaKit

Thank you Katie,

I've had a few visits with a counselor which have been okay but not very impactful. I've been reading A LOT here as well. I finally checked into local Al Anon meetings and am working up the courage to go.
I also have a large wonderful family. They have only learned of the real extent of things over the last month or so. I never revealed to them his drinking problem. Since he is away I've felt more freedom to be with them and rely on them. AH very slowly and carefully pulled me away from them.
It's hard to me for ask for help or burden them too much with what I'm going through. I'm still also dealing with the shame of it all. (Reading Co-dependent No More. WOW!!!!)
My boys 9 and 10 seem a bit relieved that it came to a head and resulted in a change. One asked me...."Mom, why did you put up with this for so long?"
Their boundaries are better than mine!

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you found us, but sorry about the issue that brought you here. This is a wonderful resource of information and support.

I want to tell you that I think you are a good mom! I think you did a good thing when you stood up to a raging alcoholic and took legal steps to say: Not in My House with My Children!

I don't have all the answers to your questions about your current feelings on this issue. I wonder if you are aware of the reasons you stuck around, but haven't fully accepted your role in those reasons that kept you stuck? Also, the current feelings may be a result of stress from the violence that was a part of your home? Or stages of the grieving process?

I went through stages of grieving at the end of my marriage. I found that I also go through stages of grief after other losses: change in job, change in community, as well as loss of relationships. I found a great resource on the stages of grief in Melody Beatties book "Codependent No More". She devotes a chapter of her book to the stages of grief.

Stick around, we care about you and are here to support you.

Learn2Live

Because you feel you are responsible? Because you think you caused it? Because you think you could have controlled him or the drinking?

You work to make sure he has a relationship with his children because you think it is the right, healthy thing to do? Because you don't want to see your children "hurt?" I personally feel it is no one's responsibility to make sure a parent has a relationship with his children. And I never think it is good or healthy for children to be exposed to alcoholics or drug addicts. I don't think I would ever feel ok about putting a child with an alcoholic.

MamaKit

Learn2Live,
I suppose I feel all of those things to some extent. (Warning: crazy talk coming)
I feel I'm partly responsible for the mess because I called the police. I defintely thought I could control it by making everything else okay so he wouldn't have a reason to drink.
I'm a rescuer for sure, I see that now. And I want to always be viewed as doing the right thing. If I'm not the "good girl" who am I?
Also,
I've heard third-hand he thinks I am manipulating things to keep him from his kids. Deep down I think I want to prove him wrong (reaction?????).
Mostly, I'm afraid of my own personal version of World War 3 with him. I don't have much left in me to fight with. He, on the other hand, is never short of ammunition and can seethe like no one I've ever known.

Also, thank you for your words Pelican, I will be reading Melody Beattie's chapter on grief ASAP.

Florence

Ugh, I danced this dance for so long when what I needed was a lawyer and a counselor to advise me! I feel you. See if you can't get some legal advice, and a counselor who is **experienced with addiction** to help you sort this out.