Jur123

I want to let my sister go, however I'm afraid of forever feeling guilty that I haven't tried enough, haven't done enough, etc. It breaks my heart seeing her so unhappy. I'm so codependant that can't even go on holidays as I feel guilty for having a good time while she may be suffering. I try to say to myself that it's not me who caused this and she may be even better without me. It works for 5 minutes and then I'm back to square one. Can anybody relate?

kmangel

Yes, we all can relate. You can be supportive of your sister yet not enable her. Have you figured out what it is you are doing that is enabling her? And then set to changing your behavior--because the only person you have any control over is yourself. When you relate differently to your sister, then she will relate differently to you. It is going to start with you.

Jur123

I'm not sure if I'm enabling. I think she would drink & use Klonapin with or without me. However I do suspect that my constant arguing with her is making her drink even more. On the other hand I feel guilty that if I leave her there will be nobody to support her. She has a fiance, however I see that he is also fed up with her drinking and told me he is going to leave her if she does not stop drinking in the next couple of months. She does not have any friends due to her Social Phobia, however she is a very arrogant person and refuses to "get down to earth" when I mention that she has to be more friendly.

outtolunch

The more I tried to influence/control the way my adult daughter led her life, the less control I exerted over my own life. Rather convienient, eh.


When I start getting all up into my adult daughter's business, I have to detach and remind myself of the specific things I do control that need my attention. The list of things is long and a mantra that rerstores my focus on things I control.

Your sister is running her life as she sees fit to do. Can you respect her right to do so?

kmangel

Part of your guilt (though misplaced) is because you think she may drink more because of your nagging. You can lay that to rest. You are not making her drink--and you wont be the one responsible if she stops drinking. I nagged my husband for years to quit smoking. Think it helped--or made him smoke more? It may have made it uncomfortable for him to listen to my harping, but he is responsible for whether he smokes or not. I am not going to impact his smoking one way or the other. So stop guilting yourself in this area.

In all our relationships, in order for us to help another person, the person has to reach out to us. Your sister is not asking you for help. I get annoyed when I visit my son's house. He and his wife have three dogs that they allow to pee and poop all over their floors and furniture. I could jump in and clean up the messes (believe me, I want to), but they have not asked me for any help. They are not asking me for my ideas on the matter. I have a dog and she doesn't leave my house filthy. I know about having pets in the home and how much work they can be. Apparently my son and his wife are happy living with the mess so I need to leave it alone. Maybe some day they will decide to tackle the problem but anything I might do to "help them" will be wasted effort--and unappreciated. Same with your sister. She has to want things to change for things to change.

interrupted

I was left alone to raise my sister in her early years and there was a time when i carried a lot of guilt surrounding her drug use, but that was early on in her addiction and my subsequent self-awareness campaign. I have since learned that my sister is an adult, just like me, and she gets to make her own choices about how she wants to lead her adult life, just like I do. I think that's fabulous!

I'm not going to tell her what she should or shouldn't do, and I am also not going to scramble back and forth with the big cartoon safety net while she stands on the ledge threatening to jump. When I did those things, she still did drugs. Doing the things that you have been doing and feeling the way you have felt has done nothing to improve your sisters situation. Nothing. She has to do that on her own, you just have to let her.

Once it really sinks in, it is so freeing! You'll get there if you keep working on it!