Hello, New Here, help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Hello, New Here, help
Hello all,
This is my first post. I've been married 20 yrs. with 4 wonderful children; all teens. I believe my husband is an alcoholic. About 6 (?) yrs. ago he had his first DUI. He was lucky enough to know a real good lawyer that had it all swept away after attending MADD meetings for a month. We talked about his drinking at that point and I uncovered a lot of hidden empty bottles of crown royal all over the garage. He said it helped with back pain. He stopped for a little while. Began again shortly afterward with just social drinking and has escalated to every night when he comes home til bedtime. A little background here, he suffered two lower back surgeries when he was in college that ended his playing career. I know he had high hopes to play further in his career, even once thinking he would play over seas possibly. That he couldnt play again really stung him. I didnt know him during that time but when I met him in college he was a fun drinker like everyone else going to school so I didnt think anything of it. Fast forward to today... He still drinks and got another DUI last year that we are still dealing with today. Ive noticed here lately that he will get a weird smell, not all the time, but every so often a weird foul sour odor that is hard to be around. Sometimes the smell is so awful that the whole bedroom wreaks of the odor. I confronted him about his drinking yesterday, about more empty hidden bottles, about the smell that worries me its his liver, and asked if he thought he needed help. He replied 'maybe'. I went to get us a coffee and came back to him pouring out large wine size bottles of belgium beer down the sink. We havent spoken about it again since yesterday morning. Although I did find 6 more empty wine and crown bottles in his closet and in the garage and placed them in a 5 gallon bucket next to my bed covered so he wouldnt see them til I was ready. I wanted to show him the bottles I'd found last night, but didnt have the nerve.
I dont know what to do. Ive had a lot of great advice from the chat room here, where I went first after signing in to this forum. My husband isnt a raging, angry, violent drinker, thank goodness, but it does quietly bother me. Apparently it bothers at least one son, too. Im not sure what to do. Confront him again and tell him to get help? Ask family and friends to help me intervene? What? I feel stuck. I want my family intact, no matter. My children idolize their father; he's really good to them thru and thru.
I feel like Im rambling! Any and all advice welcomed and appreciated.
Katchie
This is my first post. I've been married 20 yrs. with 4 wonderful children; all teens. I believe my husband is an alcoholic. About 6 (?) yrs. ago he had his first DUI. He was lucky enough to know a real good lawyer that had it all swept away after attending MADD meetings for a month. We talked about his drinking at that point and I uncovered a lot of hidden empty bottles of crown royal all over the garage. He said it helped with back pain. He stopped for a little while. Began again shortly afterward with just social drinking and has escalated to every night when he comes home til bedtime. A little background here, he suffered two lower back surgeries when he was in college that ended his playing career. I know he had high hopes to play further in his career, even once thinking he would play over seas possibly. That he couldnt play again really stung him. I didnt know him during that time but when I met him in college he was a fun drinker like everyone else going to school so I didnt think anything of it. Fast forward to today... He still drinks and got another DUI last year that we are still dealing with today. Ive noticed here lately that he will get a weird smell, not all the time, but every so often a weird foul sour odor that is hard to be around. Sometimes the smell is so awful that the whole bedroom wreaks of the odor. I confronted him about his drinking yesterday, about more empty hidden bottles, about the smell that worries me its his liver, and asked if he thought he needed help. He replied 'maybe'. I went to get us a coffee and came back to him pouring out large wine size bottles of belgium beer down the sink. We havent spoken about it again since yesterday morning. Although I did find 6 more empty wine and crown bottles in his closet and in the garage and placed them in a 5 gallon bucket next to my bed covered so he wouldnt see them til I was ready. I wanted to show him the bottles I'd found last night, but didnt have the nerve.
I dont know what to do. Ive had a lot of great advice from the chat room here, where I went first after signing in to this forum. My husband isnt a raging, angry, violent drinker, thank goodness, but it does quietly bother me. Apparently it bothers at least one son, too. Im not sure what to do. Confront him again and tell him to get help? Ask family and friends to help me intervene? What? I feel stuck. I want my family intact, no matter. My children idolize their father; he's really good to them thru and thru.
I feel like Im rambling! Any and all advice welcomed and appreciated.
Katchie
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I'm glad you are here, but sorry about the reason that brought you here. You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
At the top of the main page for the Friends and Family Section of the forum, there is a list of about 14 permanent posts. Those posts are called the "Stickies". Some of our stories are posted in those stickies. I am always finding wisdom from other members when I read those posts.
Here is a link to one of my favorite stickies:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Stick around, we care about You!
I'm glad you are here, but sorry about the reason that brought you here. You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
At the top of the main page for the Friends and Family Section of the forum, there is a list of about 14 permanent posts. Those posts are called the "Stickies". Some of our stories are posted in those stickies. I am always finding wisdom from other members when I read those posts.
Here is a link to one of my favorite stickies:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Stick around, we care about You!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Thank you Pelican for the welcome and welcomed advice. I read your link. Taking in that advice as well as the advice from the chat area, my husband has a few drinking buddies that I dont believe have a problem. They are over regularly and love when my husband serves them a new belgium triple, or whatever, and of course, its always top of the line. I don't want this in my home anymore. Should I let it be known that its not welcome in my home any longer and turn them away if they show up with it? These people are dear friends of the family but have no idea my hubby has an issue.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
He sure sounds like an alcoholic, the classic symptoms are there.
He might have started with partying, or with self-medicating his pain. Nobody will say he set out to be an alcoholic, but that is where he is today.
Now the disease is progressing, and he will have to deal with the physical as well as the emotional--which appears to be disappointment in not going pro as a career.
I don't know where he is at emotionally, nor do I know what talks you have had so far. There is still a chance he may not have progressed to beyond listening to you. I would chuck the bottles and not point them out to him. You are not his parent. He knows darn well what he has drank.
Instead I would ask him to please see his doctor and see what the doctor can do for non-narcotic pain medicine, and see if he also needs to see a psychiatrist for anti-depression medicine.
It is obvious his self-medication using alcohol is not working.
If he is beyond listening to your suggestions, then the disease has progressed to denial, and if he reaches that stage, nothing you can say will make a difference.
So I believe you first need to find out how much he will protect his alcoholism, whether or not he will be honest with a doctor, for starters. Then you will know where he stands, and that will help you understand what stage he is at.
If he is in denial, or refuses to tell a doctor the truth that he is self-medicating with alcohol, then it is time for you to take care of yourself because he isn't going to listen to you. Then it is definitely time for Al-anon. It may be time already--only you can judge how severely this is affecting you emotionally.
He might have started with partying, or with self-medicating his pain. Nobody will say he set out to be an alcoholic, but that is where he is today.
Now the disease is progressing, and he will have to deal with the physical as well as the emotional--which appears to be disappointment in not going pro as a career.
I don't know where he is at emotionally, nor do I know what talks you have had so far. There is still a chance he may not have progressed to beyond listening to you. I would chuck the bottles and not point them out to him. You are not his parent. He knows darn well what he has drank.
Instead I would ask him to please see his doctor and see what the doctor can do for non-narcotic pain medicine, and see if he also needs to see a psychiatrist for anti-depression medicine.
It is obvious his self-medication using alcohol is not working.
If he is beyond listening to your suggestions, then the disease has progressed to denial, and if he reaches that stage, nothing you can say will make a difference.
So I believe you first need to find out how much he will protect his alcoholism, whether or not he will be honest with a doctor, for starters. Then you will know where he stands, and that will help you understand what stage he is at.
If he is in denial, or refuses to tell a doctor the truth that he is self-medicating with alcohol, then it is time for you to take care of yourself because he isn't going to listen to you. Then it is definitely time for Al-anon. It may be time already--only you can judge how severely this is affecting you emotionally.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
sorry you are going through all of this....but sooo glad you found us...
a 12 step program may help YOU...the A in your life needs to do and admit it all to himself and DO for himself...it wont work if you force it, trust me, i have been there also...
3Cs
you did not cause/create this
you cant control it
and there is no cure...
a 12 step program may help YOU...the A in your life needs to do and admit it all to himself and DO for himself...it wont work if you force it, trust me, i have been there also...
3Cs
you did not cause/create this
you cant control it
and there is no cure...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
I will look into help for myself today and see what I can find. I don't know why its so hard for me to ask him about his problem. He's never been angry with me the few times I've asked. Its just hard for me to do that and I don't know why. Can anyone tell me what the foul sour smell is that he sometimes has? It really worries me.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Welcome to SR.
You have found a great resource for wisdom, experience, strength and hope. I read and post here a lot and it has really helped me.
Another thing that really helps is attending Al-anon. It is a program for friends and family of alcoholics. It is not about helping the alcoholic stop drinking, it is about turning the focus on yourself and recovering from the effects of their drinking.
I know I was every bit as sick as my alcoholic wife (AW). I even had a therapist tell me I was showing symptoms of PTSD from my years of trying to deal with her drinking and behavior. By attending Al-anon and focusing on myself rather than my Aw I began to get saner. I stopped focusing on her drinking and pill use, to stop looking for hidden bottles and to stop trying to control her drinking. I couldn't change her, ever. But, I was starting to get the tools to change me and regain my life.
So, I strongly recommend Al-anon and trying more than one meeting. Each has its own flavor and I tried 5 or 6 before I found the one that fit best for me.
Your friend,
You have found a great resource for wisdom, experience, strength and hope. I read and post here a lot and it has really helped me.
Another thing that really helps is attending Al-anon. It is a program for friends and family of alcoholics. It is not about helping the alcoholic stop drinking, it is about turning the focus on yourself and recovering from the effects of their drinking.
I know I was every bit as sick as my alcoholic wife (AW). I even had a therapist tell me I was showing symptoms of PTSD from my years of trying to deal with her drinking and behavior. By attending Al-anon and focusing on myself rather than my Aw I began to get saner. I stopped focusing on her drinking and pill use, to stop looking for hidden bottles and to stop trying to control her drinking. I couldn't change her, ever. But, I was starting to get the tools to change me and regain my life.
So, I strongly recommend Al-anon and trying more than one meeting. Each has its own flavor and I tried 5 or 6 before I found the one that fit best for me.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Originally Posted by Katchie 
I will look into help for myself today and see what I can find. I don't know why its so hard for me to ask him about his problem. He's never been angry with me the few times I've asked. Its just hard for me to do that and I don't know why. Can anyone tell me what the foul sour smell is that he sometimes has? It really worries me.
The smell may be the alcohol oozing from his pores, very common. Alcohol is a toxin, and toxins make people smell foul.
With my A, there was also the problem that he neglected his oral health. That was another bad smell.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
The three C's that Maggie mentioned are a life-saving concept. They are hard to accept, but once I did ~ it has been life changing for me.
I kept thinking that my AH was going to see the light, but I would need to say and do the right things to bring about this change in him. I also spent endless hours planning, and coordinating events to prevent the inevitable drunk on his days off; as well as orchestrating things in our home so he wouldn't get triggered and need to drink.
That's what my trying to fix and control another adults addiction looked like in my house. All it did was create resentments and leave me exhausted.
I agree with you that having drinking buddies over isn't something I would be comfortable with. It would bother me that we were serving alcohol and sending friends out onto the road after consuming alcohol. However, these are your husband's friends, His actions, and His decision to make.
He just admitted he might have an issue with alcoholism and poured out some alcohol last night. He didn't arrive in this situation overnight and it will take His time and His energy to extract himself from this situation.
I see it as he is an adult. He has made some poor decisions and He needs to deal with the consequences. If he makes the changes by his own free will, then he is likely making them for the right reason ~ his well being instead of doing it to appease other people.
There is an alanon slogan: Patience, more will be revealed.
(I used to get angry at that slogan, because I needed to see action NOW, but trust me ~ more will be revealed)
I kept thinking that my AH was going to see the light, but I would need to say and do the right things to bring about this change in him. I also spent endless hours planning, and coordinating events to prevent the inevitable drunk on his days off; as well as orchestrating things in our home so he wouldn't get triggered and need to drink.
That's what my trying to fix and control another adults addiction looked like in my house. All it did was create resentments and leave me exhausted.
I agree with you that having drinking buddies over isn't something I would be comfortable with. It would bother me that we were serving alcohol and sending friends out onto the road after consuming alcohol. However, these are your husband's friends, His actions, and His decision to make.
He just admitted he might have an issue with alcoholism and poured out some alcohol last night. He didn't arrive in this situation overnight and it will take His time and His energy to extract himself from this situation.
I see it as he is an adult. He has made some poor decisions and He needs to deal with the consequences. If he makes the changes by his own free will, then he is likely making them for the right reason ~ his well being instead of doing it to appease other people.
There is an alanon slogan: Patience, more will be revealed.
(I used to get angry at that slogan, because I needed to see action NOW, but trust me ~ more will be revealed)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
quote: There is an alanon slogan: Patience, more will be revealed.
I don't even know what that means! Update... I just got off the phone with hubby. We were suppose to go out to the river this weekend with our family and some extended family and attend church together. He just informed me that he isnt planning on going with us. He said he needs time alone to think through things. I understand him to mean regarding our conversation yesterday morning. I hope this is a good thing.
I don't even know what that means! Update... I just got off the phone with hubby. We were suppose to go out to the river this weekend with our family and some extended family and attend church together. He just informed me that he isnt planning on going with us. He said he needs time alone to think through things. I understand him to mean regarding our conversation yesterday morning. I hope this is a good thing.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Slogans are sayings that are commonly used in the rooms of recovery (AA, Al anon, CODA, Nar-anon etc.)
Patience, More will be revealed
One day at a time
Live and let live
Let Go and Let God
Let Go or be dragged
This too shall pass
Easy does it
are all examples of slogans.
Patience, More will be revealed means (to me) that I have to wait to see if the actions match the words. The alcoholic says they will do: x, y, z to make changes. My role is to step back and see if the actions match the words ~ or were the words just manipulations to get me to back down from my position. If I take steps to make sure x, y, z happen; then I am being codependent and trying to control another.
Does that help?
Patience, More will be revealed
One day at a time
Live and let live
Let Go and Let God
Let Go or be dragged
This too shall pass
Easy does it
are all examples of slogans.
Patience, More will be revealed means (to me) that I have to wait to see if the actions match the words. The alcoholic says they will do: x, y, z to make changes. My role is to step back and see if the actions match the words ~ or were the words just manipulations to get me to back down from my position. If I take steps to make sure x, y, z happen; then I am being codependent and trying to control another.
Does that help?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 72
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I hope this is a good thing.
A quote that I really like is "Hope clouds observation". To me it meant that I couldn't let my hope keep me from seeing what was really going on.
Your friend,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
You guys are awesome! I feel like I've learned more from you all since I've posted than all the years I've been on my own dealing with my hubby. Thanks so so so much for listening and sharing your wisdom.
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