New to SR
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
New to SR
Hi All,
Jut to introduce myself as a new comer to SR. Im the partner of an 'unconfirmed' alcoholic.
ive joined here as i don't have anyone else to talk with about this crazy illness and the impact that it can have and i guess you guys will understand.
my partner is a drinker, used to be every night and all weekend, lost his licence, a job and his relationship with this son.
Since meeting me he has accepted he has a problem, realises it aint normal and is trying to improve. His drinking is down at just Friday and Saturday night, nothing during the week or during the day. The drinking first thing in a morning is stopped and the level of drunkness is reduced (not unconscious each time he drinks) so all in all every day he is trying, trying trying.
BUT - my gut tells me this isnt going to be enough. you see he can do all this when im around, but when im not...bang... he struggles. guaranteed he will drink, but trys to control it, its all such a struggle.
problem is, he wont STOP drinking, says he wants to be normal, to drink normally, not too much but not nothing at all. i guess i wonder if this is possible?
thanks for listening!
Jut to introduce myself as a new comer to SR. Im the partner of an 'unconfirmed' alcoholic.
ive joined here as i don't have anyone else to talk with about this crazy illness and the impact that it can have and i guess you guys will understand.
my partner is a drinker, used to be every night and all weekend, lost his licence, a job and his relationship with this son.
Since meeting me he has accepted he has a problem, realises it aint normal and is trying to improve. His drinking is down at just Friday and Saturday night, nothing during the week or during the day. The drinking first thing in a morning is stopped and the level of drunkness is reduced (not unconscious each time he drinks) so all in all every day he is trying, trying trying.
BUT - my gut tells me this isnt going to be enough. you see he can do all this when im around, but when im not...bang... he struggles. guaranteed he will drink, but trys to control it, its all such a struggle.
problem is, he wont STOP drinking, says he wants to be normal, to drink normally, not too much but not nothing at all. i guess i wonder if this is possible?
thanks for listening!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome back!
It has been almost a year since your first post and your ABF had reduced his drinking to just Friday and Saturday night's last year. A year ago you were concerned that his drinking would get out of control if you are away, and you are still in the same place today.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Have you tried Alanon meetings?
Have you tried reading "Codependent No More"?
What about personal counseling with a therapist for yourself?
You asked if it is possible for a drinker who drinks to blackout stage to start drinking as a normal drinker. I think the odds are better at winning the Powerball Lottery.
It has been almost a year since your first post and your ABF had reduced his drinking to just Friday and Saturday night's last year. A year ago you were concerned that his drinking would get out of control if you are away, and you are still in the same place today.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Have you tried Alanon meetings?
Have you tried reading "Codependent No More"?
What about personal counseling with a therapist for yourself?
You asked if it is possible for a drinker who drinks to blackout stage to start drinking as a normal drinker. I think the odds are better at winning the Powerball Lottery.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Whether it is possible or not is not the truly relevant question. The real question is whether or not his drinking habits have created a problem for YOU. If so, YOU have to decide what YOU will do since YOU are the only thing that is within your control.
That being said, however, it is generally agreed that "moderation" is not possible for the alcoholic. It's not the 6th, 7th or 8th drink that's the problem....it's the 1st drink. So, he has been somewhat successful in controlling when he will take that first drink, but after that all control has flown out the window. That right there is the hallmark of the disease of alcoholism. That he is struggling so much to control it tells you he will be unable to sustain this moderation forever....it is highly probable that he will be as "bad" as ever before too long. Every alcoholic wishes they could drink in moderation! Go over to the Alcoholics board and read about their struggles .... the picture will become clear to you.
(((Hugs)))) Welcome to SR. Sorry you have to be here.
That being said, however, it is generally agreed that "moderation" is not possible for the alcoholic. It's not the 6th, 7th or 8th drink that's the problem....it's the 1st drink. So, he has been somewhat successful in controlling when he will take that first drink, but after that all control has flown out the window. That right there is the hallmark of the disease of alcoholism. That he is struggling so much to control it tells you he will be unable to sustain this moderation forever....it is highly probable that he will be as "bad" as ever before too long. Every alcoholic wishes they could drink in moderation! Go over to the Alcoholics board and read about their struggles .... the picture will become clear to you.
(((Hugs)))) Welcome to SR. Sorry you have to be here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Thanks for the responses, and yeah i guess im sorry to have to be here to.
I never knew sites like this existed before! Id never heard of co-dependant before, can anyone shed a little more light on this?
Pelican i figured your response sounded harsh, but maybe not, what you say is true, but still at present i see everyday he is trying to change, every day he is fighting the fight. Is the only way FOR ME, to leave him? am i just trying to give my brain hope by staying.
i struggle to accept that there is no other way. i so love this man, and told my self whilst every day he tries then everyday i shall stay. im not a bad person, i just want to help him, i know I am not the answer, but for me if i give up on him how will he ever fight this on his own? surely giving up on those you love cannot help them?
maybe naive would be a better user name for me?!
Any words on co-dependant would be good.
I never knew sites like this existed before! Id never heard of co-dependant before, can anyone shed a little more light on this?
Pelican i figured your response sounded harsh, but maybe not, what you say is true, but still at present i see everyday he is trying to change, every day he is fighting the fight. Is the only way FOR ME, to leave him? am i just trying to give my brain hope by staying.
i struggle to accept that there is no other way. i so love this man, and told my self whilst every day he tries then everyday i shall stay. im not a bad person, i just want to help him, i know I am not the answer, but for me if i give up on him how will he ever fight this on his own? surely giving up on those you love cannot help them?
maybe naive would be a better user name for me?!
Any words on co-dependant would be good.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by scacra1 
i guess i wonder if this is possible?
to SR. Are you asking whether or not an alcoholic can control his drinking? The answer is no. That's what makes them alcoholics in the first place. They may try to moderate their drinking but they will return to the same level and pattern of drinking they were previously. This is part of the disease of alcoholism.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Thanks 'learn to live'.
Im actually confused by the whole thing and the definition of an alcoholic! Either way, its enough to cause problems in life so i figure that all i need to know.
He is definitely a 'functioning' alcoholic as he holds down with no problems an executive job. This part is a little deceptive, as it makes 80% of the time life is so normal!!
Another question i have, is that he gets drunk so quickly! how can that be, i thought he should have a higher tolerance than this? 1.5 bottles of wine and he will be drunk. This isnt an awful lot.. (i have checked that he is not secret drinking and isnt) so why would he get drunk so quickly? i drink about once every few months if that and i can hold myself better than that!
Im actually confused by the whole thing and the definition of an alcoholic! Either way, its enough to cause problems in life so i figure that all i need to know.
He is definitely a 'functioning' alcoholic as he holds down with no problems an executive job. This part is a little deceptive, as it makes 80% of the time life is so normal!!
Another question i have, is that he gets drunk so quickly! how can that be, i thought he should have a higher tolerance than this? 1.5 bottles of wine and he will be drunk. This isnt an awful lot.. (i have checked that he is not secret drinking and isnt) so why would he get drunk so quickly? i drink about once every few months if that and i can hold myself better than that!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I agree with LTL.
I struggled for a long time with the concept that alcoholism was a disease. It's not that I thought they were weak, but that diseases are cancer, etc., and alcoholism is a choice.
It is a choice, it is also a disease. I have seen enough evidence to know that when someone drinks long enough and hard enough, some chemical change happens in their brain, and they will NEVER be able to drink like a normal person again.
He's fighting to do the impossible. He has crossed over to alcoholism. It truly is a matter of time before he starts drinking again on weekdays. He will slip a little here and there, and then say chuck it, I'll go for it whenever I want to, and then the disease will proceed rapidy. For now, he is surely white-knuckling it all week long, desperately craving for the weekend to come.
That's no way to live...
Your alcoholic has not accepted that he cannot control it. Until he gets to Step #1 in AA, that he is powerless over alcohol, (not that I embrace all AA principles but some of them are great) he will be fighting a losing battle.
I struggled for a long time with the concept that alcoholism was a disease. It's not that I thought they were weak, but that diseases are cancer, etc., and alcoholism is a choice.
It is a choice, it is also a disease. I have seen enough evidence to know that when someone drinks long enough and hard enough, some chemical change happens in their brain, and they will NEVER be able to drink like a normal person again.
He's fighting to do the impossible. He has crossed over to alcoholism. It truly is a matter of time before he starts drinking again on weekdays. He will slip a little here and there, and then say chuck it, I'll go for it whenever I want to, and then the disease will proceed rapidy. For now, he is surely white-knuckling it all week long, desperately craving for the weekend to come.
That's no way to live...
Your alcoholic has not accepted that he cannot control it. Until he gets to Step #1 in AA, that he is powerless over alcohol, (not that I embrace all AA principles but some of them are great) he will be fighting a losing battle.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Originally Posted by scacra1
Thanks 'learn to live'.
Im actually confused by the whole thing and the definition of an alcoholic! Either way, its enough to cause problems in life so i figure that all i need to know.
He is definitely a 'functioning' alcoholic as he holds down with no problems an executive job. This part is a little deceptive, as it makes 80% of the time life is so normal!!
Another question i have, is that he gets drunk so quickly! how can that be, i thought he should have a higher tolerance than this? 1.5 bottles of wine and he will be drunk. This isnt an awful lot.. (i have checked that he is not secret drinking and isnt) so why would he get drunk so quickly? i drink about once every few months if that and i can hold myself better than that!
Im actually confused by the whole thing and the definition of an alcoholic! Either way, its enough to cause problems in life so i figure that all i need to know.
He is definitely a 'functioning' alcoholic as he holds down with no problems an executive job. This part is a little deceptive, as it makes 80% of the time life is so normal!!
Another question i have, is that he gets drunk so quickly! how can that be, i thought he should have a higher tolerance than this? 1.5 bottles of wine and he will be drunk. This isnt an awful lot.. (i have checked that he is not secret drinking and isnt) so why would he get drunk so quickly? i drink about once every few months if that and i can hold myself better than that!
Part of the progression of alcoholism is DECREASED tolerance.
Yes, he's "functioning" as he has a job. Millions of alcoholics do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Made of glass... thanks.
Really, why the decreased tolerance? Damage to the liver i suspect?
How do you know a true alcoholic? 18 months he has been not drinking during the week. As i said, I know i am not the answer but it seems whilst he is with me, he can try, he can control. Walking away feels like giving up. Should we not help people if we can?
Really, why the decreased tolerance? Damage to the liver i suspect?
How do you know a true alcoholic? 18 months he has been not drinking during the week. As i said, I know i am not the answer but it seems whilst he is with me, he can try, he can control. Walking away feels like giving up. Should we not help people if we can?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
If there is one thing I've Learned Here...
Originally Posted by scacra1
Walking away feels like giving up. Should we not help people if we can?
And, it's not "walking away", it's self-preservation, and when the day is done, you still need to have you in a good and happy place.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
The decreased tolerance is,either stage 2 or 3 in Alcoholism. Do some reading on the 4 stages. There is probably several stickies at the top of the alcoholism forums that will explain stages of the disease. It may be related to the liver, I don't know. I am pretty sure it is about the progression of the chemical changes in the brain.
What we learn eventually here is that we have to focus on ourselves, not obsess about the alcoholic, because we become sick too--emotionally. I do recommend that you read about the stages of alcoholism, but understanding every little thing is not so much important as understanding what the disease is doing TO YOU.
A true alcoholic...there's all kinds of qualifications...but CRAVING alcohol is a biggie. Normal drinkers may desire a drink, but they lack the strong craving.
I have my own test for alcoholism...it's a good one--If you can take it or leave it, emotionally, without feeling you are denying yourself something important, you are not alcoholic. I am quite sure that most alcoholics would never say --I can leave it. The opposite is true--when not drinking they are craving to.
Your man I bet lives for the weekends when he won't be denying himself.
I am not suggesting you walk away. That is your decision. I don't have a crystal ball, but what I can say is that the disease is progressive, and it will get uglier if he continues to drink. That much I can say with confidence without needing a crystal ball.
Should we not help people--ask yourself...just how are you helping him?
What we learn eventually here is that we have to focus on ourselves, not obsess about the alcoholic, because we become sick too--emotionally. I do recommend that you read about the stages of alcoholism, but understanding every little thing is not so much important as understanding what the disease is doing TO YOU.
A true alcoholic...there's all kinds of qualifications...but CRAVING alcohol is a biggie. Normal drinkers may desire a drink, but they lack the strong craving.
I have my own test for alcoholism...it's a good one--If you can take it or leave it, emotionally, without feeling you are denying yourself something important, you are not alcoholic. I am quite sure that most alcoholics would never say --I can leave it. The opposite is true--when not drinking they are craving to.
Your man I bet lives for the weekends when he won't be denying himself.
I am not suggesting you walk away. That is your decision. I don't have a crystal ball, but what I can say is that the disease is progressive, and it will get uglier if he continues to drink. That much I can say with confidence without needing a crystal ball.
Should we not help people--ask yourself...just how are you helping him?
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
You would probably find it helpful to read the excerpts posted here from a book called "Under the Influence" by Milam and Ketcham. It's very educational in terms of understanding why some people are unable to control their drinking (alcoholics) and what happens over the long term as the disease goes untreated.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
On the codependency part, there are some great resources on the net if you do a search.
This is a great post that sort of sums things up: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html
Also, I found it helpful to read the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
This is a great post that sort of sums things up: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html
Also, I found it helpful to read the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
I thought that i was helping by being with him. when i am with him he drinks less, and has a reason to try. i thought that this was helping as it all led to drinking less and controlling it more which i figured can only be a good thing.
Please bear with me... i am learning!
Please bear with me... i am learning!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Thanks everyone for the recommendations. i will most certainly look these up. As stated in my last post, bear with me as im just starting to learn all this. i dont intend to stay naive forever.
Thanks folks!
Thanks folks!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
These are steps that helped me while I was living with active alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Welcome..welcome....
you are so AWARE of what is going on with you...and glad you are HONEST about it...we all feel the same way here...so, its ok to open up, talk and then listen and read...
u have done 1 of the 3 A's
1.Awareness
2.Acceptance
3.Action
read and read some more...there are lots of stickies in the forums...roam the rooms, gain the knowledge of the dysfunctional life we all have lived...
as Pelican says "Nothing changes unless nothing changes"
please try a 12 step program for YOU....only your Alcoholic can do it for himself...
you are so AWARE of what is going on with you...and glad you are HONEST about it...we all feel the same way here...so, its ok to open up, talk and then listen and read...
u have done 1 of the 3 A's
1.Awareness
2.Acceptance
3.Action
read and read some more...there are lots of stickies in the forums...roam the rooms, gain the knowledge of the dysfunctional life we all have lived...
as Pelican says "Nothing changes unless nothing changes"
please try a 12 step program for YOU....only your Alcoholic can do it for himself...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Its a real eye opener for me here. I didn't realise that it is so in-depth for the friends and family of alcoholics. i thought it was just tough for them. Now i realise that i have a lot to work through my self. The 3 steps interest me... awareness, oh yes, ive got that all sewn up. i feel through talking on here that im at the acceptance part, only ive yet to accept it, i can hear myself indirectly not wanting to. i know i need to and this will come with time, and manly time spent on here. im learning so much. Sadly, i don't like what im learning. who wants to learn that the man i love is slowly killing himself, will potentially never get any better, i used to have blind faith, in life and love, and i want to cling onto that, that things happen for a reason (that being a good one). who wants to believe the only realistic option that they have is to walk away forever from their one true love and their life... honestly, not me. I hurt a little more each time i learn something new.
BUT - i am not daft, i am strong, and worthy of the best in life and know i need to be true to myself and find this.
i will come round, but i will not force the issue with myself,a little bit every day slowly slowly, and i believe soon i will reach action.
my one thought for the day... how painful must this be for the alcoholics? how did they end up like this? it must be terrible and i wish i could make it all go away from everyone, including myself.
thanks.
BUT - i am not daft, i am strong, and worthy of the best in life and know i need to be true to myself and find this.
i will come round, but i will not force the issue with myself,a little bit every day slowly slowly, and i believe soon i will reach action.
my one thought for the day... how painful must this be for the alcoholics? how did they end up like this? it must be terrible and i wish i could make it all go away from everyone, including myself.
thanks.
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