HowCouldYou

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for about 2 and a half years now. When I first met him I didn't know he did pills (he's addicted to percocets) but as the months went by it became apparent to me that he had a problem. Little did I know, a very big problem. I've never dealt with an addict in my life before him. Hell, I didn't even know what a percocet (or opiates) were before I met him. A couple weeks after I met him I saw him snort his first percocet 30mg (or 30s as he calls them). I don't know why I was so naive and stupid to still stay with him after that, but I did. I guess I was intrigued by it. Then, the addictioin started causing problems with our relationship, and since he didn't have a steady job I would stupidly buy them for him sometimes. About 15 months ago his mom and stepfather were divorcing, so my boyfriend got kicked out and my family took him in. That didn't last long. Some of my dad's percs came up missing one day (for his shoulder surgery) and they kicked him out. In private I asked my boyfriend if he really did do it and of course he said no, that he would never do that. In my mind I know he did it. After that, with no where else to go, he ended up living with his best friend at the time and jumped around and between friend's houses. That ended too of course, so he ended up living in my car and I supported him. Fast forward to now -- About 2 months ago I got an apartment for us because I didn't want him living in my car anymore and I didn't want him living on the streets. He works part-time but all money he makes goes towards his habit. He lies to me all the time about how many percs he buys. Several times during our relationship he's told me he will quit and this will be his "last time doing a perc", but it always continues. At this point I know he is using me. I'm sure during this whole relationship he's been using me since I'm the one with the car, job, home, and money. And he has none of these things. Anyways, my conditions for me getting this apartment for us were for him to stop the pills. And to this day I haven't seen any improvement. He hasn't even TRIED. Our rent is about $750 and so far he's given me $50 last month. He worked about 10-12 times last month, making about $100 everytime he works. Anyway, today I go to count my xanax I get prescribed for my anxiety and 20 are missing. I just got my prescription filled yesterday. I'm at a loss. Does he not think I wouldn't notice? He knows I count them because I don't trust him.
I guess this post was for some ranting and advice. I don't know what to do anymore. I put a roof over his head, food in his stomach, buy him his pills/ciggs when he doesn't work, and this is how he pays me? I've sacrificed so much for him. I'm at a loss. I'm so torn and so broken inside. Is it time to leave?

doggonecarl

If a sister, cousin, or best friend told you what you told us and asked the same question, what would your answer be?

I'm thinking you'd say yes. But if it was easy, you'd have done it. I hope you find the information and support you need to make that tough decision.

nerdygirl

YES.

Kick his sorry butt out on the street!

If you've got a library card, check out a book called Codependent No More. I read it and it really opened my eyes to MY behavior. I was enabling my RH (my husband is a recovering Perc addict). Granted, my RH went to work every day and made his own money to buy pills, but he did not contribute to the household and didn't need to because I have a good job and could afford all the bills on my own. I finally grew a pair and took some action. I couldn't make him quit, I couldn't make him treat me right or love me the way I needed and deserved to be loved, but I could control my OWN actions, reactions and emotions. I detached from him. I still loved him but I did my own thing. And, I told him I needed X amount of dollars per week which was his half of the bills. If he couldn't or wouldn't provide it then he needed to pack his stuff and roll.

You have to set some boundaries and enforce them. You have to decide how you want to be treated and loved and then DEMAND it from him. You also have to be prepared that your demands will go unanswered and you'll have to throw him out.

I know you love him. But, if you do love him then you should let him be who he is - an addict - without any assistance from you. You're effectively helping his addiction. No, he's not robbing strangers - he's robbing your DAD and YOU. You know it's not right...

Elphie

Not going to change if you stay.........so unless you want to live like this....time to go!

It is up to him to get help, IF he wants to stop....but, as long as you are helping him get his fix, he will keep using drugs and YOU.

kmangel

When raising kids, I would tell my children that when they did such and such then I would do such and such--and not before. I've heard people say that that is bribery, but it isn't. It's I'll do for you after you have done for me. Bribery is saying what you said--that the conditions for getting the apartment was for him to stop the pills and then letting him move in before he quit the pills. Had he gone to rehab and had been working on recovery for a length of time, was clean and sober, and then moved in, then it would have become I will do for you (let you move in) after you do for me (gotten clean and sober). You put the cart before the horse--which is what helps the addict stay stuck in their addiction. Why bother giving up the pills when he doesn't really have to?

So are you going to get that cart after the horse now? It's not too late to do so.

suki44883

I didn't read one single good or even decent thing about this guy in your entire post. Just what is the reason you are staying with him? He has nothing to offer and just takes and takes and takes. Do you just pity him? Feel sorry for him? Think one day he'll just wake up and realize what an azz he is and change into prince charming?

Do yourself a favor and kick this leech to the curb. He'll drain your life's blood and then move on to another enabler. You deserve better. This guy is a total loser.

HowCouldYou

You make a really good point. I never thought about it like that. I should've gotten him clean and sober BEFORE moving into the apartment, but the thing is I don't believe he really wants help.

Your completely right. Its like I'm adding fuel to the fire here by buying him his pills when he is ill. I know I shouldn't, and never should have. I just felt bad when he would be sick, throwing up. That, and he would ALWAYS threaten to leave me or it would be "hey babe, I work in a couple of days...can you buy me a perc and I will pay you back?" And he would either use his money to buy more pills or never work.
I let him walk all over top of me. I just can't understand why I am so attached to him in the first place.


I guess I do pity him to be honest. I feel bad for him. Without me he has nothing. No one in his family will even take him in because they know what kind of person he is and that should've been a red flag to me in the beginning.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. You've all helped to open my eyes. I really appreciate it.

suki44883

You make a really good point. I never thought about it like that. I should've gotten him clean and sober BEFORE moving into the apartment, but the thing is I don't believe he really wants help.

You cannot get him clean and sober. If he doesn't want help, he will not get help. Please understand this. You have absolutely NO control over what he does. You either live with it or you don't.

edit to add: Maybe if he truly had no one, he would decide to do something about his situation. Have you considered that you may be standing between him and his bottom?

HowCouldYou

I've considered this. I've also considered that it will probably take for him to hit rock bottom to realize he needs to stop these pills and sober up. The thing is though, I don't believe HE realizes that I may be standing between him and his bottom. He just doesn't seem to care. Like when he was living with his friends, there were times when he didn't know if he could stay at their houses, and he acted like he could care less about finding a place to sleep at night. :/

suki44883

Okay, but it's his life and he has the right to live it however he wishes. You are not doing him any favors by making things so easy for him. If he doesn't care if he lives on the streets, then why are you "sacrificing" so much for him? He.does.not.want.to.change.

He is not your child, he is an adult. He is not your responsibility. All he is doing is sucking the life out of you. Is this really how you want to spend your life?

HowCouldYou

Nope, definitely not how I want to live my life. I have dreams that will never be fullfilled if I stay with him. I don't want to end up an empty shell like him.

FindingErica

What I am "hearing" in your posts is that he was supposed to get clean and sober in order to live in the apartment with you, but he didn't. So why did you allow him to renegotiate the terms?

He is an addict. What incentive does he have to quit. You put a roof over his head, feed him, and even buy his drugs. Plus you believe all his lies and let him do as he pleases with no consequences. That's like addict heaven. Why should he change when your actions so clearly tell him stay the same?

My sister has been an addict for two decades, she always finds some new guy to take care of her when she has used up the latest sucker. Some wells are deeper than others, but the outcome is always the same.

FindingErica

Sounds like you have your answer!

BeavsDad

"Let go or be dragged."

nerdygirl

With an old ABF, a huge red flag for me was the fact that his parents didn't speak to him and his grandparents had a restraining order on him. If his own parents can detach and let him live his life the way he chooses, then you should too sweetie. As a parent, it's a lot more difficult IMO to detach from a child and watch them crash and burn than it is to watch a BF do the same thing.

crazybabie

You are enabling him in every way you never know how much drugs are in his system have you ever considered that when you buy him some that those might be the ones that cause an overdose?

My AH has 2 sisters who sell him pills when they need money and I have already told them and I do mean this if he overdoses yes it is partly his fault but they will not be allowed at the funeral because the way I see it they would have helped kill him.(just for them to have a few bucks)

If I shot him I am sure they would not want me there the only difference is he would not have had anything to do with me shooting him.

dollydo

"You make a really good point. I never thought about it like that. I should've gotten him clean and sober BEFORE moving into the apartment."

You cannot get him clean, it is totally up to him. You are enabling him, he has nothing to offer you but heartache and poverty.

Have you read Codependent No More...might be a good starting point.

lightseeker

hi How.....

Maybe you are like me and just really need to get it down on paper to see exactly what it is I am really talking about. When I read it I am able to detach a bit and see the situation for what it is.

A few years ago, a friend decided to only ask questions back vs giving advice. You asked is it time to leave? I don't know....is it time to leave? Do you feel (in this moment, this time) how you WANT to feel in a relationship? Are you liking how you feel now of are you hoping that you will feel better about it in the future? Have you made a list of the qualities in him that you don't like and wish were different? Have you taken that same list and looked for any ways that you have manifested those same qualities. Have you made a list of qualities that you would like to have in a partner? Have you taken that same list and lived up to it?

I'm wondering if when you begin to start answering these questions that the focus will be more on the life that you want to have vs. whether you want to stay with him. Once you identify the life that you want and then compare it to the one that you have - you might begin to have the answer. I've found that it's always easy to answer the question from the outside in - vs. the inside out.

From the outside it is so clear what the answer to your question is that the fact that you still ask it tells me that you have some sticking points. I certainly have been in the same place so I understand - please don't take these comments as judgements.

One thing I know - is that we are not ready to leave until we are ready to leave.....I know that I had to finally get to the point where I wanted to know what was best for me and not what was best for him.

amaslow

OMG.. I have been just about where you are a long time ago... you have gotten great advice here... I won't repeat all the reasons.. Just, run like the wind and don't look back.. What an addict!! He is not a man. He is like a child who needs care!

kmangel

So, until you see a real sincere effort on his part to get and stay clean and sober, move on. Otherwise you are wasting your time. Right now you are the only one being responsible. I for one want a man in my life--not another child. I already have raised two children, sons, who are out on their own now making their way in life. That was my and my husband's job in having children--to raise them to become responsible men. In your case, you are the adult and your boyfriend is the child, taking all you are willing to dish out. Nope, that isn't my idea of a life partner.