Emotional rollercoaster
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 12
Emotional rollercoaster
For the past 3 weeks, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster. For the first 2 weeks after my son admitted to being a herion addict, I couldn't eat,drink, or barely function. I was depressed and almost suicidal (don't worry-that would never be an answer for me.) Finally, this past week, I've felt more normal and able to carry on with day to day activities, feeling like there was hope and that our family would survive this hell. Then, today, for no reason, I woke up totally depressed again. We did not raise our son like this and this dark, drug world isn't something I ever could have imagined. He's in treatment and seems to be doing okay but I can't believe anything he says since there have been so many lies this past year or longer. I keep waiting for "the call" that he's in dead or in jail. How do you get past these ups and downs and get some kind of normal life back? I keep saying I want things to be normal again but I know they will never be the normal that I know. Hoping I'll be better tomorrow...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello Library Lady, you are experiencing what we all when we first learn of our loved ones addiction. Denial... We cannot believe that this could happen to US. I was so hoping it was a one time thing and I didn't know anything at all about heroin addiction. My advice is to keep reading here, learn about addiction and understand how it affects our family and the addicts brain. You can never go back, but you can move forward. It does get easier as time goes by.
Hugs and prayers
Teresa
Hugs and prayers
Teresa
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Hello, librarylady.
I feel the intensity of your pain and understand the broken heart of a loving mom.
I've embraced what I've learned here at SR (there's a wealth of information and understanding) and have had numerous other supports (family, spiritual, NarAnon, etc.) all of which have helped me to cope.
Give yourself some time to work through grieving the loss of the son you knew.
I feel the intensity of your pain and understand the broken heart of a loving mom.
I've embraced what I've learned here at SR (there's a wealth of information and understanding) and have had numerous other supports (family, spiritual, NarAnon, etc.) all of which have helped me to cope.
Give yourself some time to work through grieving the loss of the son you knew.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
Welcome to SR....and I am sincerely sorry for the reason you find yourself here. Your questions echo the emotional rawness we all felt in the beginning of this journey and the feelings that pop back up repeatedly as we go along. This is rough stuff....no denying that. You need to rally all of the support you can. In the beginning it is difficult to know exactly what you need and what will work best. I would suggest.......finding a therapist (if you don't already have one) to work with one on one, Go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings, take advantage of all the family resources offered by his inpatient program, read all of the Stickies on SR site, Meditate a lot and keep posting and sharing here.
There are so many parents here with a wealth of experience and knowledge; I believe we are all very supportive of each other. Most importantly.....you need to focus on taking care of You!
Hugs to you.....and positive thoughts!
There are so many parents here with a wealth of experience and knowledge; I believe we are all very supportive of each other. Most importantly.....you need to focus on taking care of You!
Hugs to you.....and positive thoughts!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Hi Library Lady - and welcome to SR. Boy...the pain is raw isn't it? I remember how I felt as my 18 yr old son's drug use began to escalate. I honestly didn't know how I was going to survive. I can't say that I'm the bastion of handling it but I know that really working a program, getting to meetings, and reaching out really helps me so much. I wouldn't say that the pain and worry isn't there but the more I work a program the saner I seem to stay. It is a rollercoaster.
Another thing that helps me is to know that I am not alone - there are so many people that share this pain. I've found that they have been able to help me to find my way through this. I've needed a place to cry and be honest.
There is a special pain when it is your child. I've had the unfortunate perspective of experiencing addiction with a spouse and now with a child. Both are exquisitely painful but this "child thing" is pure t visceral....... and unlike anything that I have ever experienced.
Just remember this is a journey and that you really are not alone. Hugs...
Another thing that helps me is to know that I am not alone - there are so many people that share this pain. I've found that they have been able to help me to find my way through this. I've needed a place to cry and be honest.
There is a special pain when it is your child. I've had the unfortunate perspective of experiencing addiction with a spouse and now with a child. Both are exquisitely painful but this "child thing" is pure t visceral....... and unlike anything that I have ever experienced.
Just remember this is a journey and that you really are not alone. Hugs...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Appleton, WI
Posts: 74
Hi library lady. No real words of wisdom you haven't already heard. Just wanted to say I found a good al anon group of parents and it has helped so much. That and this forum. The more you can do to educate yourself, the better you will be able to cope, especially at first. I'm sorry you are dealing with this awful family disease.
((hugs)) and I will keep you and your son in my prayers.
((hugs)) and I will keep you and your son in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
People find different ways to survive this.
With our AD, we had to set boundaries and enforce them. Treatment did not help our D. Eventually, she had to leave our home and that was horrible but necessary. My husband saw a therapist who told him that there was no point in worrying now about bad things that haven't happened when he will certainly worry when/if they actually happen. It resonated with him and helped.
I actually had severe attacks of anxiety and depression. What helped me was support from my family. My son was there to say it was not my fault and I'd done all I could. My sister was there needing my help to re-locate her to my city after she retired. It was a huge undertaking and let me focus on something other than my grief. My husband and cat were terrific. This forum and Alanon helped. I worked hard to find what was of comfort to me and gradually I healed from the trauma.
I am in contact with my D although I rarely see her. She is not in recovery but she respects my boundaries and I respect her right to choose the way she wants to live.
With our AD, we had to set boundaries and enforce them. Treatment did not help our D. Eventually, she had to leave our home and that was horrible but necessary. My husband saw a therapist who told him that there was no point in worrying now about bad things that haven't happened when he will certainly worry when/if they actually happen. It resonated with him and helped.
I actually had severe attacks of anxiety and depression. What helped me was support from my family. My son was there to say it was not my fault and I'd done all I could. My sister was there needing my help to re-locate her to my city after she retired. It was a huge undertaking and let me focus on something other than my grief. My husband and cat were terrific. This forum and Alanon helped. I worked hard to find what was of comfort to me and gradually I healed from the trauma.
I am in contact with my D although I rarely see her. She is not in recovery but she respects my boundaries and I respect her right to choose the way she wants to live.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by librarylady 
We did not raise our son like this and this dark, drug world isn't something I ever could have imagined.
These kinds of thoughts indicate that right now you feel a sense of responsibility for his choices. Consider getting some therapy to help you cope with this situation which is well beyond your control.
How old is your boy?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
So many of us understand your anguish. How do I get past the ups and downs and get some kind of normal life back? Personally I work the program that I wish my son would work. And I work hard at it.
I have found that there is no problem or pain that is too great to be overcome. I have learned that gratitude and taking care of myself first is what will retain my sanity. I have learned that the harder I try to control another person, the more likely that person will pull in the opposite direction (continue in their addiction). I have learned to let go and trust that each of us need to walk our own path.....including those who are addicted. I have found a spiritual connection to the world around me. I have learned that love is different than I thought it was.....even mother's love.
My son is a meth addict. He has lost everything and I've had to step out of the way and let life deal him some pretty harsh lessons. And that is so hard on a mother's heart.
I can never be grateful that my son is a meth addict, but I will be forever grateful for the lessons I've learned and the people I have met as a direct result of his addiction.
Welcome to SR.....there is a posse of moms (still loving that term!) here who understand where you are right now. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
I have found that there is no problem or pain that is too great to be overcome. I have learned that gratitude and taking care of myself first is what will retain my sanity. I have learned that the harder I try to control another person, the more likely that person will pull in the opposite direction (continue in their addiction). I have learned to let go and trust that each of us need to walk our own path.....including those who are addicted. I have found a spiritual connection to the world around me. I have learned that love is different than I thought it was.....even mother's love.
My son is a meth addict. He has lost everything and I've had to step out of the way and let life deal him some pretty harsh lessons. And that is so hard on a mother's heart.
I can never be grateful that my son is a meth addict, but I will be forever grateful for the lessons I've learned and the people I have met as a direct result of his addiction.
Welcome to SR.....there is a posse of moms (still loving that term!) here who understand where you are right now. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
((LibraryLady)) How I wish I could help with your agony over your son's addiction. It is indeed a roller coaster. Just when we think we're going to be okay, something else triggers us to a new valley. But just as sure, there will be another peak of normalcy.
There is much support and wisdom here. I believe it will benefit you to keep reading and posting on this site. It does make life a little easier to know we're not alone, though we certainly wouldn't wish this on anyone else. I care.
There is much support and wisdom here. I believe it will benefit you to keep reading and posting on this site. It does make life a little easier to know we're not alone, though we certainly wouldn't wish this on anyone else. I care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Another mom here. My son started his addiction journey around age 13 and he's 29 now. I knew he was abusing drugs but when I learned it had progressed to heroin, I was angry, too. I remember angrily talking to him on the phone after I first found out about the heroin and asking him when he was going to realize he was way in over his head? Yes, I can relate to your pain.
It does get better, though, if you work on yourself. I know your thoughts and feelings right now are all about your son, but you must take yourself into consideration, too. When my husband and I discovered my son's addiction to heroin, I decided it was time for the two of us to speak to a therapist. This was one life experience we were not equipped to handle on our own. Addiction is not like anything else we had ever dealt with and so many people do what is not in the best interest of their addicted loved ones. It's not that our intentions are not good--they are--but addiction is a whole other ballgame with rules that don't resemble all the other rules of life. Here on this site is a good place to learn. Going to groups like Al or Nar-Anon are excellent sources of support. If you want to do what's best for your son, check out all the resources available to loved ones of addicts.
It does get better, though, if you work on yourself. I know your thoughts and feelings right now are all about your son, but you must take yourself into consideration, too. When my husband and I discovered my son's addiction to heroin, I decided it was time for the two of us to speak to a therapist. This was one life experience we were not equipped to handle on our own. Addiction is not like anything else we had ever dealt with and so many people do what is not in the best interest of their addicted loved ones. It's not that our intentions are not good--they are--but addiction is a whole other ballgame with rules that don't resemble all the other rules of life. Here on this site is a good place to learn. Going to groups like Al or Nar-Anon are excellent sources of support. If you want to do what's best for your son, check out all the resources available to loved ones of addicts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
Dear librarylady,
How my heart aches for you. When my son's problems first began to surface a few years ago, I could not eat. I became very ill and eventually suicidal and had to be under the care of a psychiatrist. I got better.
I am the mother of a 21-year-old RAS (IV heroin/opiates). I have reached out for support: friends, family, Alanon, Families Anonymous, private counseling, and, of course, this forum. Because there are no Naranon meetings in my area, I started attending open NA meetings. I am relentless about asking for help and guidance. I am willing to do what I am advised to do by those who have walked this path before me, who are further along, who have professional experience and wisdom. As KE said, I diligently work the program my son needs, and I have experienced an amazing grace as a result.
My strength, courage and calm must be renewed daily, sometimes hourly, and that is the work that I must do. I have also read as much about addiction as I possibly could, and continue to do that. Knowledge really is power--not over the addicted loved one--but over the beast of addiction itself that will devour everyone and everything in its path unless you learn its ways and protect yourself from its attacks.
A wise teacher wrote: A great loss, crisis, or illness, tended to wisely, will cause our hearts to grow. I remember that when I am feeling weak or weary or resentful or bitter, or any of a thousand things one feels when dealing with addiction in the family. There are lessons to be learned, there are rewards to accepting and doing what is difficult. Growth and healing are available to you. They are available to your son, as well, but you can only control your own actions and choices. It is the only place to start.
And, paradoxically, tending to your own needs, establishing and enforcing clear boundaries, and learning how to let go of the addict, how to detach with love, is the most loving and effective thing you can do for your son.
Wishing you a clear head and a calm heart as you navigate this journey. You are not alone, and peace is possible.
Blessings.
How my heart aches for you. When my son's problems first began to surface a few years ago, I could not eat. I became very ill and eventually suicidal and had to be under the care of a psychiatrist. I got better.
I am the mother of a 21-year-old RAS (IV heroin/opiates). I have reached out for support: friends, family, Alanon, Families Anonymous, private counseling, and, of course, this forum. Because there are no Naranon meetings in my area, I started attending open NA meetings. I am relentless about asking for help and guidance. I am willing to do what I am advised to do by those who have walked this path before me, who are further along, who have professional experience and wisdom. As KE said, I diligently work the program my son needs, and I have experienced an amazing grace as a result.
My strength, courage and calm must be renewed daily, sometimes hourly, and that is the work that I must do. I have also read as much about addiction as I possibly could, and continue to do that. Knowledge really is power--not over the addicted loved one--but over the beast of addiction itself that will devour everyone and everything in its path unless you learn its ways and protect yourself from its attacks.
A wise teacher wrote: A great loss, crisis, or illness, tended to wisely, will cause our hearts to grow. I remember that when I am feeling weak or weary or resentful or bitter, or any of a thousand things one feels when dealing with addiction in the family. There are lessons to be learned, there are rewards to accepting and doing what is difficult. Growth and healing are available to you. They are available to your son, as well, but you can only control your own actions and choices. It is the only place to start.
And, paradoxically, tending to your own needs, establishing and enforcing clear boundaries, and learning how to let go of the addict, how to detach with love, is the most loving and effective thing you can do for your son.
Wishing you a clear head and a calm heart as you navigate this journey. You are not alone, and peace is possible.
Blessings.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 12
Thank you for your encouraging words. I think I'm better today. SR has been so helpful. I have been trying to learn what I can about herion addiction and recovery. The only alanon meeting in our area is once a week-I haven't made it to one yet but I plan to go this week. I may look into seeing a therapist due to the nature of some of my thoughts. I pray constantly-not only for my 29 yr. old son and our family but for all families affected by drug abuse. My heart is with all the mothers but I know the whole family hurts when one member is in trouble. I will continue to post because your responses have helped more than you will ever know. In advance, please forgive the rollercoaster nature of them!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Your post and many of the replies have made me think of something I was thinking of sharing with my daughter recently. (I was feeling like she was looking 'down' on me becase I hadn't lived "right".)
I didn't plan to get married to an abusive man and have a child 9 months later. I didn't plan on being a divorced mother of 2, raising those kids and struggling to make ends meet. I didn't plan on having a drug addicted son or having a binge drinking father who ended up with dementia. So, no matter how hard we try to plan our lives, map out our futures, make plans . . . life happens and we have to try to deal with it to the best of our ability.
Attending Alanon and Naranon meetings helped me learn to 'Let go and Let God' and 'Take it One Day at A Time' to take care of myself, stop enabling my son and to stop feeling responsible for others. Reading daily reading type books reminded me of those things and helped me to realize I wasn't alone in my struggle. Joining SR also made me realize I wasn't alone and my situation isn't/wasn't unique.
And finally, this journey has helped me to know that addiction lives in every neighborhood, every house, every family - if we think we've lived the "perfect" life, we're wrong, there is no such thing. Just life, with all it's mistakes and lessons, happiness and heartaches.
Good luck LibraryLady, keep reading and posting.
I didn't plan to get married to an abusive man and have a child 9 months later. I didn't plan on being a divorced mother of 2, raising those kids and struggling to make ends meet. I didn't plan on having a drug addicted son or having a binge drinking father who ended up with dementia. So, no matter how hard we try to plan our lives, map out our futures, make plans . . . life happens and we have to try to deal with it to the best of our ability.
Attending Alanon and Naranon meetings helped me learn to 'Let go and Let God' and 'Take it One Day at A Time' to take care of myself, stop enabling my son and to stop feeling responsible for others. Reading daily reading type books reminded me of those things and helped me to realize I wasn't alone in my struggle. Joining SR also made me realize I wasn't alone and my situation isn't/wasn't unique.
And finally, this journey has helped me to know that addiction lives in every neighborhood, every house, every family - if we think we've lived the "perfect" life, we're wrong, there is no such thing. Just life, with all it's mistakes and lessons, happiness and heartaches.
Good luck LibraryLady, keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
Hello LibraryLady- Welcome to the Posse of Moms (I like this term too KE)
Just another Mom with a similar story.
I too married a man who eventually became an addict & had 4 kids in the process.When he died 11 yrs ago, I thought my then teenage children would escape the horrors of addiction (thus my avatar).
My 2 sons, who both excelled in school & have college degrees, are now homeless. My youngest daughter was an IV opiate addict & attends a methadone clinic. My oldest daughter seems to be ok at times but abuses drugs also. No one has really held a job in the past 5-8 yrs & I have tried to keep them from drowning single handed. I have given money, bought cars (transportation for work), let them live with me, and finally 3 months ago, sold my home to give them their inheritance. Their money is gone & I have to now face what I tried to avoid all these years - acceptance & letting go.
I give you this little background because I hope you can see how fruitless it is to try to control the outcomes of others & "save" your child. In the process, I became a shell of a person with the only emotions being hurt & fear. This board, coda meetings, daily readings and meditations are finally beginning to heal me.
So I will add you & your family to my daily prayers. We all walk hand in hand.
HUGGS
Hope
Just another Mom with a similar story.
I too married a man who eventually became an addict & had 4 kids in the process.When he died 11 yrs ago, I thought my then teenage children would escape the horrors of addiction (thus my avatar).
My 2 sons, who both excelled in school & have college degrees, are now homeless. My youngest daughter was an IV opiate addict & attends a methadone clinic. My oldest daughter seems to be ok at times but abuses drugs also. No one has really held a job in the past 5-8 yrs & I have tried to keep them from drowning single handed. I have given money, bought cars (transportation for work), let them live with me, and finally 3 months ago, sold my home to give them their inheritance. Their money is gone & I have to now face what I tried to avoid all these years - acceptance & letting go.
I give you this little background because I hope you can see how fruitless it is to try to control the outcomes of others & "save" your child. In the process, I became a shell of a person with the only emotions being hurt & fear. This board, coda meetings, daily readings and meditations are finally beginning to heal me.
So I will add you & your family to my daily prayers. We all walk hand in hand.
HUGGS
Hope
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
We are all here in the posse for each other. Thank God for giving us this wonderful resouce of SR to connect. I praise God for each and every Mom here who is living with addiction and pray for our children to one day choose recovery.
Love
Teresa
Love
Teresa
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
I too, just wanted to say that I do so understand all that you are going through. I am the Mother of a grown son who is an active addict/alcoholic not even seeking recovery. We know of at least 18 years that he has been very ill from his addictions. He is definitely not the son that we raised. You are definitely not alone in what you are experiencing. I hope that you'll be able to come back here often, as SR has been a wonderful place full of wonderful people who truly know what I've been going through with my beautiful son that is so lost right now. Here at SR, we learn how important it is to take care of ourselves & we never lose hope that our loved ones will seek & find recovery one day. **************{Understanding & Caring Hugs}}}}}}}}}}
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