"Dysfunctional People" This is really helping me today!
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
"Dysfunctional People" This is really helping me today!
OMG! I can identify pretty much all of what is listed under the "Dysfunctional" List as AXBF!!! This is making me feel so much better today.
Understanding Dysfunctional People And How They Make You Crazy
Signs that Indicate You are Dealing with Dysfunctional People
*After spending time with them, you feel “fogged” -- like you aren’t
thinking clearly.
*You thought you were thinking correctly about a situation, but after being with them, you now feel your approach to life is being questioned.
*You feel blamed for another person’s situation.
*You feel responsible to “fix” a situation that is a result of another person’s (repetitive) choices.
*You feel if you were a “good person” you maybe should help them out.
*You are concerned about how innocent people (e.g. children) will suffer from the poor choices made by another person.
*Other people are mad at you because you won’t “help them out”
(just this once!).
*You are being blamed for being unreasonable and insensitive to their situation.
*You have been in this situation before (or one very similar to it) with this person. Probably previously you “helped them out” and they are in the same predicament again.
*You are concerned that if you don’t rescue them from their current
situation, the consequences are so significant that it may ruin their life in the future.
*You feel pressured to make an immediate decision to “help out”, even
though the problem has been developing for quite a while.
*You feel “smothered”; the other person wants to get too close too soon
or they cut off the relationship totally for seemingly little slights.
Key Differences between Functional & Dysfunctional Individuals
Functional VS Dysfunctional
Honesty, Integrity VS Deceit, Not telling the whole story
Direct Communication VS Indirect Communication (talking “through” others)
Responsibility leads to Privileges VS Sense of Entitlement
Accept responsibility for choices & results VS Blame others, Make excuses
Delay gratification VS Have to meet desires now
Live in reality on day to day basis VS Escape from reality (TV, movies, videogames, drugs, alcohol, sleep)
Save, do without VS Spend, go into debt
Learn from mistakes VS Expect to be rescued from choices
Forgive & let go of past hurts VS Hold on to grudges, Revenge
Keep commitments VS Make verbal commitments with
no follow-through
Say what they mean VS Hidden agendas
Being “real” VS Focus on image & appearance
Can disagree without getting “personal" VS Disagreement leads to anger, personal attacks & hatred
Appropriate personal boundaries; VS “Smother” others, try to be too close too soon.
They let you be “you”. VS Use guilt to manipulate.
How to Deal with Dysfunctional People
*Understand that you will feel blamed or responsible for whatever the problem is.
*Accept that you cannot change the other person (their thoughts, viewpoint, ways of behaving or their choices.)
*Set boundaries: what you are and are not willing to do.
*Talk with and get support from others whom you believe are functional.
*Do not accept false guilt from the dysfunctional person. The whole problem is not your fault and it is not your responsibility to fix the problem.
*When necessary, minimize ongoing contact and interaction with the dysfunctional party.
*Realize that the current “crisis” is probably not a crisis and they can live through it.
*Remember that if you “help them out” this time, you will be expected to help them out again.
© 2011 Paul E. White, Ph.D.
Understanding Dysfunctional People And How They Make You Crazy
Signs that Indicate You are Dealing with Dysfunctional People
*After spending time with them, you feel “fogged” -- like you aren’t
thinking clearly.
*You thought you were thinking correctly about a situation, but after being with them, you now feel your approach to life is being questioned.
*You feel blamed for another person’s situation.
*You feel responsible to “fix” a situation that is a result of another person’s (repetitive) choices.
*You feel if you were a “good person” you maybe should help them out.
*You are concerned about how innocent people (e.g. children) will suffer from the poor choices made by another person.
*Other people are mad at you because you won’t “help them out”
(just this once!).
*You are being blamed for being unreasonable and insensitive to their situation.
*You have been in this situation before (or one very similar to it) with this person. Probably previously you “helped them out” and they are in the same predicament again.
*You are concerned that if you don’t rescue them from their current
situation, the consequences are so significant that it may ruin their life in the future.
*You feel pressured to make an immediate decision to “help out”, even
though the problem has been developing for quite a while.
*You feel “smothered”; the other person wants to get too close too soon
or they cut off the relationship totally for seemingly little slights.
Key Differences between Functional & Dysfunctional Individuals
Functional VS Dysfunctional
Honesty, Integrity VS Deceit, Not telling the whole story
Direct Communication VS Indirect Communication (talking “through” others)
Responsibility leads to Privileges VS Sense of Entitlement
Accept responsibility for choices & results VS Blame others, Make excuses
Delay gratification VS Have to meet desires now
Live in reality on day to day basis VS Escape from reality (TV, movies, videogames, drugs, alcohol, sleep)
Save, do without VS Spend, go into debt
Learn from mistakes VS Expect to be rescued from choices
Forgive & let go of past hurts VS Hold on to grudges, Revenge
Keep commitments VS Make verbal commitments with
no follow-through
Say what they mean VS Hidden agendas
Being “real” VS Focus on image & appearance
Can disagree without getting “personal" VS Disagreement leads to anger, personal attacks & hatred
Appropriate personal boundaries; VS “Smother” others, try to be too close too soon.
They let you be “you”. VS Use guilt to manipulate.
How to Deal with Dysfunctional People
*Understand that you will feel blamed or responsible for whatever the problem is.
*Accept that you cannot change the other person (their thoughts, viewpoint, ways of behaving or their choices.)
*Set boundaries: what you are and are not willing to do.
*Talk with and get support from others whom you believe are functional.
*Do not accept false guilt from the dysfunctional person. The whole problem is not your fault and it is not your responsibility to fix the problem.
*When necessary, minimize ongoing contact and interaction with the dysfunctional party.
*Realize that the current “crisis” is probably not a crisis and they can live through it.
*Remember that if you “help them out” this time, you will be expected to help them out again.
© 2011 Paul E. White, Ph.D.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Thanks, that is helpful!
I was feeling miserable about my axbf this morning, my life is all about 3 steps forward and one step back. I hate the way that he made me feel like I was not good enough for him and not worthy of love. I was never able to be myself, always walking on eggshells. I just hope all the pain goes away soon!
I was feeling miserable about my axbf this morning, my life is all about 3 steps forward and one step back. I hate the way that he made me feel like I was not good enough for him and not worthy of love. I was never able to be myself, always walking on eggshells. I just hope all the pain goes away soon!
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
That list really helps me get rid of the pain. It helps to see the words that describe the person and his behavior and ways of thinking and living. Especially compared to the healthy characteristics!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
That list really helps me get rid of the pain. It helps to see the words that describe the person and his behavior and ways of thinking and living. Especially compared to the healthy characteristics!
Ziggy - try to stop internalizing it all. He doesn't have the power to make you feel anything that you don't want to feel. Decide all that stuff was pure and simple BS, and you'll feel instantly better!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
Yes, and that the behavior really wasn't about you, but about them and their own personal dysfunctions.
Ziggy - try to stop internalizing it all. He doesn't have the power to make you feel anything that you don't want to feel. Decide all that stuff was pure and simple BS, and you'll feel instantly better!
Ziggy - try to stop internalizing it all. He doesn't have the power to make you feel anything that you don't want to feel. Decide all that stuff was pure and simple BS, and you'll feel instantly better!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
OMG! I can identify pretty much all of what is listed under the "Dysfunctional" List as AXBF!!! This is making me feel so much better today.
Understanding Dysfunctional People And How They Make You Crazy
Signs that Indicate You are Dealing with Dysfunctional People
*After spending time with them, you feel “fogged” -- like you aren’t
thinking clearly.
*You thought you were thinking correctly about a situation, but after being with them, you now feel your approach to life is being questioned.
*You feel blamed for another person’s situation.
*You feel responsible to “fix” a situation that is a result of another person’s (repetitive) choices.
*You feel if you were a “good person” you maybe should help them out.
*You are concerned about how innocent people (e.g. children) will suffer from the poor choices made by another person.
*Other people are mad at you because you won’t “help them out”
(just this once!).
*You are being blamed for being unreasonable and insensitive to their situation.
*You have been in this situation before (or one very similar to it) with this person. Probably previously you “helped them out” and they are in the same predicament again.
*You are concerned that if you don’t rescue them from their current
situation, the consequences are so significant that it may ruin their life in the future.
*You feel pressured to make an immediate decision to “help out”, even
though the problem has been developing for quite a while.
*You feel “smothered”; the other person wants to get too close too soon
or they cut off the relationship totally for seemingly little slights.
Key Differences between Functional & Dysfunctional Individuals
Functional VS Dysfunctional
Honesty, Integrity VS Deceit, Not telling the whole story
Direct Communication VS Indirect Communication (talking “through” others)
Responsibility leads to Privileges VS Sense of Entitlement
Accept responsibility for choices & results VS Blame others, Make excuses
Delay gratification VS Have to meet desires now
Live in reality on day to day basis VS Escape from reality (TV, movies, videogames, drugs, alcohol, sleep)
Save, do without VS Spend, go into debt
Learn from mistakes VS Expect to be rescued from choices
Forgive & let go of past hurts VS Hold on to grudges, Revenge
Keep commitments VS Make verbal commitments with
no follow-through
Say what they mean VS Hidden agendas
Being “real” VS Focus on image & appearance
Can disagree without getting “personal" VS Disagreement leads to anger, personal attacks & hatred
Appropriate personal boundaries; VS “Smother” others, try to be too close too soon.
They let you be “you”. VS Use guilt to manipulate.
How to Deal with Dysfunctional People
*Understand that you will feel blamed or responsible for whatever the problem is.
*Accept that you cannot change the other person (their thoughts, viewpoint, ways of behaving or their choices.)
*Set boundaries: what you are and are not willing to do.
*Talk with and get support from others whom you believe are functional.
*Do not accept false guilt from the dysfunctional person. The whole problem is not your fault and it is not your responsibility to fix the problem.
*When necessary, minimize ongoing contact and interaction with the dysfunctional party.
*Realize that the current “crisis” is probably not a crisis and they can live through it.
*Remember that if you “help them out” this time, you will be expected to help them out again.
© 2011 Paul E. White, Ph.D.
Understanding Dysfunctional People And How They Make You Crazy
Signs that Indicate You are Dealing with Dysfunctional People
*After spending time with them, you feel “fogged” -- like you aren’t
thinking clearly.
*You thought you were thinking correctly about a situation, but after being with them, you now feel your approach to life is being questioned.
*You feel blamed for another person’s situation.
*You feel responsible to “fix” a situation that is a result of another person’s (repetitive) choices.
*You feel if you were a “good person” you maybe should help them out.
*You are concerned about how innocent people (e.g. children) will suffer from the poor choices made by another person.
*Other people are mad at you because you won’t “help them out”
(just this once!).
*You are being blamed for being unreasonable and insensitive to their situation.
*You have been in this situation before (or one very similar to it) with this person. Probably previously you “helped them out” and they are in the same predicament again.
*You are concerned that if you don’t rescue them from their current
situation, the consequences are so significant that it may ruin their life in the future.
*You feel pressured to make an immediate decision to “help out”, even
though the problem has been developing for quite a while.
*You feel “smothered”; the other person wants to get too close too soon
or they cut off the relationship totally for seemingly little slights.
Key Differences between Functional & Dysfunctional Individuals
Functional VS Dysfunctional
Honesty, Integrity VS Deceit, Not telling the whole story
Direct Communication VS Indirect Communication (talking “through” others)
Responsibility leads to Privileges VS Sense of Entitlement
Accept responsibility for choices & results VS Blame others, Make excuses
Delay gratification VS Have to meet desires now
Live in reality on day to day basis VS Escape from reality (TV, movies, videogames, drugs, alcohol, sleep)
Save, do without VS Spend, go into debt
Learn from mistakes VS Expect to be rescued from choices
Forgive & let go of past hurts VS Hold on to grudges, Revenge
Keep commitments VS Make verbal commitments with
no follow-through
Say what they mean VS Hidden agendas
Being “real” VS Focus on image & appearance
Can disagree without getting “personal" VS Disagreement leads to anger, personal attacks & hatred
Appropriate personal boundaries; VS “Smother” others, try to be too close too soon.
They let you be “you”. VS Use guilt to manipulate.
How to Deal with Dysfunctional People
*Understand that you will feel blamed or responsible for whatever the problem is.
*Accept that you cannot change the other person (their thoughts, viewpoint, ways of behaving or their choices.)
*Set boundaries: what you are and are not willing to do.
*Talk with and get support from others whom you believe are functional.
*Do not accept false guilt from the dysfunctional person. The whole problem is not your fault and it is not your responsibility to fix the problem.
*When necessary, minimize ongoing contact and interaction with the dysfunctional party.
*Realize that the current “crisis” is probably not a crisis and they can live through it.
*Remember that if you “help them out” this time, you will be expected to help them out again.
© 2011 Paul E. White, Ph.D.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Another OMG!!!: I am reading my 12 Steps of Adult Children workbook while I wait to leave for my Al-Anon meeting and this is what I read (paraphrased): Adult children realize they have absorbed shame, abandonment and rage and recreate similar families or relationships, realize they wanted to fix others, want to heal our drunken parents by acting good, silent, or by taking care of them. But the "sickness" the adult child attempts to cure in the parent is the disease of dysfunction!!!!!!!
Can you believe this? Yes, I know it should have been obvious but until I saw the word "dysfunction" I didn't realize what I have been doing with AXBF!!!!
!!!!!
I want to scream!!!!
Can you believe this? Yes, I know it should have been obvious but until I saw the word "dysfunction" I didn't realize what I have been doing with AXBF!!!!
!!!!!
I want to scream!!!!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
L2L thanks for this post, it was much cheaper than my therapy session yesterday about the same thing (hee hee).
I did not grow up with alcoholic parents, but both my parents grew up in alcoholic homes. It is frightening how many of those stories etc I related to....one generation removed.
I did not grow up with alcoholic parents, but both my parents grew up in alcoholic homes. It is frightening how many of those stories etc I related to....one generation removed.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
L2L thanks for this post, it was much cheaper than my therapy session yesterday about the same thing (hee hee).
I did not grow up with alcoholic parents, but both my parents grew up in alcoholic homes. It is frightening how many of those stories etc I related to....one generation removed.
I did not grow up with alcoholic parents, but both my parents grew up in alcoholic homes. It is frightening how many of those stories etc I related to....one generation removed.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It says even if your parents are not alcoholics but were in some other way dysfunctional, children can still be affected and learn the same survival mechanisms as children of alcoholics. They refer to us as "para-alcoholics."
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
It says even if your parents are not alcoholics but were in some other way dysfunctional, children can still be affected and learn the same survival mechanisms as children of alcoholics.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
Yes, and that the behavior really wasn't about you, but about them and their own personal dysfunctions.
I think about how he always pointed his finger at his AXWF and even his kids, and I fell for it. The focus was always on how dysfunctional THEY are, especially the XWF (she does have some mental health issues so it was easy to look at her and how crazy she acts) and granted they did have some serious problems, but that was all just a distraction. They were all his RED HERRINGS!!! Definition: something intentionally or unintentionally misleading or distracting, intended to divert attention from the real problem or matter at hand; a misleading clue. HE USES HIS FAMILY AS RED HERRINGS!! THAT IS SICK!!
I sure have been having a lot of OMG!!!s lately.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by fourmaggie
OMG! i love when stuff like this gets posted...its always a good reminder to me that i am NOT NUTS...LMAO
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by LuvMySis
I really like these lists you posted, L2L. They are very specific and summarize everything. Thanks for posting it. Now, if only we could get the schools to cover this stuff so kids are made aware before it's too late.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
When all else fails, you can walk away permanently, from the dysfunctional person.
I have my own set of dysfunctional patterns even if I'm not reacting to, or interacting with, another person.
I can't change the past but I can change today, and *for me* that takes more then walking away from someone else or some day my kids will be on this forum venting about their crazy mama and how the dysfunction endlessly trickles down hill through the generations.
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