How do I know if he's serious?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
How do I know if he's serious?
As I wrote earlier this week, my RABF (recovered over 2.5 years) recently tried to score pain pills from his dentist. I overheard the conversation where he was telling the dentist false information over the phone. RABF admitted that he was trying to get pain pills and manipulate. He admitted that he lied to me.
He had been on pain pills for 7 years, got off for about 7 months, relapsed for about 7 months, and has been clean since then. His behavior has been one of somebody who is serious about sobriety. He got a psychiatrist, and started a plan to be in recovery. He told everybody about how he had an addiction to pain pills, but he's not clean. After several bad starts, he now has a good job. He had to be clean for this job, and could get tested at any time.
I realize that if he relapses it is his thing. I know he has control. I know that there is nothing that I can do. I confronted him about his lying, he apologized, and I guess that is it? I assume that now I should step back and observe his actions? I also assume that I need to focus on my own codependent recovery. I really relapsed with codependent thoughts, etc. I thought I had been doing well, but I really panicked when this happened.
I don't accept being in a relationship with somebody who is on drugs. However, it's hard for me to tell until he gets bad. Last time he relapsed, I couldn't tell he was on the drugs until everything got out of control. The state found out that he was doctor shopping, and he got a warning for it. He became extremely distant and was bsing on everything. So, it was obvious once the addiction took over. So, it's not like I know right away.
I want things to continue--with him getting more and more sober. However, I know that things don't always happen the way we want. I know I'm not in his head. I really just needed to vent, I guess. I'm really crazy busy in school, so I don't really have time to re-read Codependent No More right now, or anything. I'm trying to keep my mind focused on school, and not let this distract me.
Thanks for listening.
He had been on pain pills for 7 years, got off for about 7 months, relapsed for about 7 months, and has been clean since then. His behavior has been one of somebody who is serious about sobriety. He got a psychiatrist, and started a plan to be in recovery. He told everybody about how he had an addiction to pain pills, but he's not clean. After several bad starts, he now has a good job. He had to be clean for this job, and could get tested at any time.
I realize that if he relapses it is his thing. I know he has control. I know that there is nothing that I can do. I confronted him about his lying, he apologized, and I guess that is it? I assume that now I should step back and observe his actions? I also assume that I need to focus on my own codependent recovery. I really relapsed with codependent thoughts, etc. I thought I had been doing well, but I really panicked when this happened.
I don't accept being in a relationship with somebody who is on drugs. However, it's hard for me to tell until he gets bad. Last time he relapsed, I couldn't tell he was on the drugs until everything got out of control. The state found out that he was doctor shopping, and he got a warning for it. He became extremely distant and was bsing on everything. So, it was obvious once the addiction took over. So, it's not like I know right away.
I want things to continue--with him getting more and more sober. However, I know that things don't always happen the way we want. I know I'm not in his head. I really just needed to vent, I guess. I'm really crazy busy in school, so I don't really have time to re-read Codependent No More right now, or anything. I'm trying to keep my mind focused on school, and not let this distract me.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
ONLY YOU can take care of you if you really want your own recovery you will find a way there are single moms who have 2 jobs and still manage why? because they really want recovery.
I understand you have a busy life honestly almost everyone does this, is already distracting you and it will continue to do so until you get in recovery. Don't you owe yourself the recovery you want for him? A book doesn't have to be read in a day it can be read a paragraph at a time if needed.
There are online meetings even if you only have 5 minutes it is more than your doing now. When you say you don't have time IMO your lying to yourself.
Take what you want and leave the rest
I understand you have a busy life honestly almost everyone does this, is already distracting you and it will continue to do so until you get in recovery. Don't you owe yourself the recovery you want for him? A book doesn't have to be read in a day it can be read a paragraph at a time if needed.
There are online meetings even if you only have 5 minutes it is more than your doing now. When you say you don't have time IMO your lying to yourself.
Take what you want and leave the rest
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I don't accept being in a relationship with somebody who is on drugs.
Do you accept these things...or not? Yes or no? Your actions are not matching up with your words.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by bluebelle 
As I wrote earlier this week, my RABF (recovered over 2.5 years) recently tried to score pain pills from his dentist. I overheard the conversation where he was telling the dentist false information over the phone. RABF admitted that he was trying to get pain pills and manipulate. He admitted that he lied to me.
I don't accept being in a relationship with somebody who is on drugs.
I don't accept being in a relationship with somebody who is on drugs.
Drug seeking versus using is splitting hairs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
Sometimes it is useful to hear the truth - harsh or not. Sometimes you just want someone to tell you everything is going to be okay. The truth is, your story sounds like a beginning. The beginning of his relapse (if it hasn't occurred already) and the beginning of your codepency. No matter what happens, eventually, everything will be okay. It all depends on YOU and YOUR choices. Don't give him the power to make choices for you. Decide for yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Originally Posted by crazybabie
ONLY YOU can take care of you if you really want your own recovery you will find a way there are single moms who have 2 jobs and still manage why? because they really want recovery.
I understand you have a busy life honestly almost everyone does this, is already distracting you and it will continue to do so until you get in recovery. Don't you owe yourself the recovery you want for him? A book doesn't have to be read in a day it can be read a paragraph at a time if needed.
There are online meetings even if you only have 5 minutes it is more than your doing now. When you say you don't have time IMO your lying to yourself.
Take what you want and leave the rest
I understand you have a busy life honestly almost everyone does this, is already distracting you and it will continue to do so until you get in recovery. Don't you owe yourself the recovery you want for him? A book doesn't have to be read in a day it can be read a paragraph at a time if needed.
There are online meetings even if you only have 5 minutes it is more than your doing now. When you say you don't have time IMO your lying to yourself.
Take what you want and leave the rest
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Originally Posted by tjp613
... what about being with someone who lies to you? What about being with someone who participates in illegal activities? What about being with someone whose illegal, dishonest activities distract you from completing your education?
Do you accept these things...or not? Yes or no? Your actions are not matching up with your words.
Do you accept these things...or not? Yes or no? Your actions are not matching up with your words.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Originally Posted by nerdygirl
Sometimes it is useful to hear the truth - harsh or not. Sometimes you just want someone to tell you everything is going to be okay. The truth is, your story sounds like a beginning. The beginning of his relapse (if it hasn't occurred already) and the beginning of your codepency. No matter what happens, eventually, everything will be okay. It all depends on YOU and YOUR choices. Don't give him the power to make choices for you. Decide for yourself.
I'm at a loss as to what to do right now. Do I try to talk to him about this?? It seems that by ignoring it, I am somehow accepting his behavior. Of course, we did talk about it the day that it happened.
I am at a loss because I'm from an alcoholic/addict family where we never talked about this stuff, and we always pretended like things were normal, even when they weren't. So, I'm trying to act like a functional person, I'm just not sure how a functional person would act in this situation.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Stick to your convictions. If you don't want to be with an addict, then don't. You've given him lots of chances. What has he done with them? Seems to me he knows that you are in it with him whether he recovers or not--so he'll keep going back to using drugs. He may take a break but he'll go back.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 79
Hi Bluebelle,
Recently I opened my boyfriends duffle to get out some laundry, and I found some needles and syringes. At first I was in shock and I said nothing to him because I had to think about what this meant. Since he used to IV cocaine; about a year and half ago, my assumption was that he was shooting up again.
But here is the thing; I didn’t confront him about it for about two weeks and the reason was that I trusted him to realize that he had relapsed, and I trusted that in his time he would either tell me, or stop and get back on track and maybe tell me much later.
But then I came here, and people did make me realize that it was dangerous for me not to know; because if he was shooting up, then I could be exposing myself to numerous diseases while I was waiting for him to get to a place where he could tell me. Also, people also kept telling me to gather proof, and that meant snooping of course, so I started doing that. Something I had never don’t before; and it was making me crazy with awful thoughts.
I guess what I want to point out is that I realized that I could not stay with my boyfriend, and we could not have a normal, healthy relationship if I didn’t trust him and believe that he was serious about his recovery; and that even if he had slipped – he would figure out how to get back on track, and when he was ready he would confide in me and between us – it would be out in the open.
Ended up in our case, he was on the verge of a relapse, and he had started injecting saline to try to satisfy this urge to shoot up. He increased his appointments with his psychiatrist because that is his form of therapy, and he seems to be doing better. He is clean because he just passed a hair drug test from his employer. He may have used an unorthodox method; but he stayed clean.
A lot of people might think Im being foolish to trust in him, and have that overall faith. But at this point I do. I realize it’s a fragile thing; and he may end up destroying it one day, but for now it holds firm. My boyfriend is still obviously not healthy and well or this would not have happened, but Im ok with it, and I accept it could be like this a long time.
So I would just say think about if this is what you want long term, even if he stays clean this time, there will be times of worry down the road.
Recently I opened my boyfriends duffle to get out some laundry, and I found some needles and syringes. At first I was in shock and I said nothing to him because I had to think about what this meant. Since he used to IV cocaine; about a year and half ago, my assumption was that he was shooting up again.
But here is the thing; I didn’t confront him about it for about two weeks and the reason was that I trusted him to realize that he had relapsed, and I trusted that in his time he would either tell me, or stop and get back on track and maybe tell me much later.
But then I came here, and people did make me realize that it was dangerous for me not to know; because if he was shooting up, then I could be exposing myself to numerous diseases while I was waiting for him to get to a place where he could tell me. Also, people also kept telling me to gather proof, and that meant snooping of course, so I started doing that. Something I had never don’t before; and it was making me crazy with awful thoughts.
I guess what I want to point out is that I realized that I could not stay with my boyfriend, and we could not have a normal, healthy relationship if I didn’t trust him and believe that he was serious about his recovery; and that even if he had slipped – he would figure out how to get back on track, and when he was ready he would confide in me and between us – it would be out in the open.
Ended up in our case, he was on the verge of a relapse, and he had started injecting saline to try to satisfy this urge to shoot up. He increased his appointments with his psychiatrist because that is his form of therapy, and he seems to be doing better. He is clean because he just passed a hair drug test from his employer. He may have used an unorthodox method; but he stayed clean.
A lot of people might think Im being foolish to trust in him, and have that overall faith. But at this point I do. I realize it’s a fragile thing; and he may end up destroying it one day, but for now it holds firm. My boyfriend is still obviously not healthy and well or this would not have happened, but Im ok with it, and I accept it could be like this a long time.
So I would just say think about if this is what you want long term, even if he stays clean this time, there will be times of worry down the road.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((bluebelle)))))
Has 'talking' to him changed him in the past? I doubt it.
I know if I were you, right now, I would tell him that:
"I have to step away for now. You can come tell me when you have made
up your mind exactly what you are going to do. No actually your actions
will show me. I am going to be distant until then."
And I would walk away. At your age, my education and my future would be
my PRIMARY concerns, and I would not be able to concentrate on my studies
living with or dating or being in a relationship with someone that I was never
sure if they were clean or high or were going to relapse at any minute.
Heck when I went back to college at 43 to get my Nursing Degree, I had to
back away from sponsoring and only go to meetings for me. I could not be
'side tracked' by those I care(d) about while I had humongous studying to
do for ME.
He is in a very dangerous area of his mind right now and his old behaviors
are reappearing. Only he can remove himself from that. Whether he needs
to increase his appointments with his psych Doc and/or try some more pro-
grams of recovery I have no idea, but what he is doing right now is needless
to say not good for him OR YOU.
Please take care of YOU.
Love and hugs,
I'm at a loss as to what to do right now. Do I try to talk to him about this?? It seems that by ignoring it, I am somehow accepting his behavior. Of course, we did talk about it the day that it happened.
I know if I were you, right now, I would tell him that:
"I have to step away for now. You can come tell me when you have made
up your mind exactly what you are going to do. No actually your actions
will show me. I am going to be distant until then."
And I would walk away. At your age, my education and my future would be
my PRIMARY concerns, and I would not be able to concentrate on my studies
living with or dating or being in a relationship with someone that I was never
sure if they were clean or high or were going to relapse at any minute.
Heck when I went back to college at 43 to get my Nursing Degree, I had to
back away from sponsoring and only go to meetings for me. I could not be
'side tracked' by those I care(d) about while I had humongous studying to
do for ME.
He is in a very dangerous area of his mind right now and his old behaviors
are reappearing. Only he can remove himself from that. Whether he needs
to increase his appointments with his psych Doc and/or try some more pro-
grams of recovery I have no idea, but what he is doing right now is needless
to say not good for him OR YOU.
Please take care of YOU.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Originally Posted by laurie6781
(((((bluebelle)))))
Has 'talking' to him changed him in the past? I doubt it.
I know if I were you, right now, I would tell him that:
"I have to step away for now. You can come tell me when you have made
up your mind exactly what you are going to do. No actually your actions
will show me. I am going to be distant until then."
And I would walk away. At your age, my education and my future would be
my PRIMARY concerns, and I would not be able to concentrate on my studies
living with or dating or being in a relationship with someone that I was never
sure if they were clean or high or were going to relapse at any minute.
Heck when I went back to college at 43 to get my Nursing Degree, I had to
back away from sponsoring and only go to meetings for me. I could not be
'side tracked' by those I care(d) about while I had humongous studying to
do for ME.
He is in a very dangerous area of his mind right now and his old behaviors
are reappearing. Only he can remove himself from that. Whether he needs
to increase his appointments with his psych Doc and/or try some more pro-
grams of recovery I have no idea, but what he is doing right now is needless
to say not good for him OR YOU.
Please take care of YOU.
Love and hugs,
Has 'talking' to him changed him in the past? I doubt it.
I know if I were you, right now, I would tell him that:
"I have to step away for now. You can come tell me when you have made
up your mind exactly what you are going to do. No actually your actions
will show me. I am going to be distant until then."
And I would walk away. At your age, my education and my future would be
my PRIMARY concerns, and I would not be able to concentrate on my studies
living with or dating or being in a relationship with someone that I was never
sure if they were clean or high or were going to relapse at any minute.
Heck when I went back to college at 43 to get my Nursing Degree, I had to
back away from sponsoring and only go to meetings for me. I could not be
'side tracked' by those I care(d) about while I had humongous studying to
do for ME.
He is in a very dangerous area of his mind right now and his old behaviors
are reappearing. Only he can remove himself from that. Whether he needs
to increase his appointments with his psych Doc and/or try some more pro-
grams of recovery I have no idea, but what he is doing right now is needless
to say not good for him OR YOU.
Please take care of YOU.
Love and hugs,
Thank you. That sounds like a good thing to tell him. We live together--and have for many years. So, a physical separation isn't immediately possible. I still can step back and give him space. Plus, I'm leaving town to visit my family soon. So, that will be a good break.
I am an older student, so I realize how important this is. I have given up a lot to be here, and I'm not letting someone else sidetrack me. In the past, I would have stayed home so I could watch him. Or, I'd call home to check his voice to see if he was high. I'm done with that.
It's hard for me to imagine that he'd give up everything to go back to that nonsense. He claims that he's not going back to it. But, you know how it is--his words are one thing, but the actions are what is important.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Hi Bulebelle,
I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this. I always found that living with someone with a history of substance abuse was easier when I wasn't getting those little signs and symptoms. One thing that I didn't realize is that I was picking up on the signs of relapse.....relapse is a continuum that ultimately results in drug use unless the person turns back towards recovery. I think that I became VERY sensitive to that turn in direction to relapse.
One of the most difficult things about this sort of relationship is the ever present possibility of relapse.....I struggled that my lifestyle and circumstances were connected to someone who may or may not stay sober. I knew that I had to do a whole lot of self care if my choice was to be in that relationship.
Even on my busiest days I start my day with reading "One Day at a Time" or "Courage to Change" or one of Melody Beatties daily meditations. It doesn't take but a moment and it sure does make a huge difference in the rest of my day. I know that I can't afford not to do that.
I know it's hard to focus on school and all that you have to do - although it is also a blessing to have another focus.
You asked a good question - to talk about it with him or not. It's hard to say - which is why I think that this has to be "we" program and not a "me" program. We need one another to sort these things out along the way to making the best decision for ourselves. If someone is far down the continuum of relapse, talking won't make a lick of difference. If it's early, I've had success in the past saying..."hey, I've noticed these things going on, what are your thoughts/have you noticed anything?" I know that your intellect has an understanding of all of this. I also know, how difficult it really is when it's someone that you love and care about.
Just sending you thoughts and warm hugs...
I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this. I always found that living with someone with a history of substance abuse was easier when I wasn't getting those little signs and symptoms. One thing that I didn't realize is that I was picking up on the signs of relapse.....relapse is a continuum that ultimately results in drug use unless the person turns back towards recovery. I think that I became VERY sensitive to that turn in direction to relapse.
One of the most difficult things about this sort of relationship is the ever present possibility of relapse.....I struggled that my lifestyle and circumstances were connected to someone who may or may not stay sober. I knew that I had to do a whole lot of self care if my choice was to be in that relationship.
Even on my busiest days I start my day with reading "One Day at a Time" or "Courage to Change" or one of Melody Beatties daily meditations. It doesn't take but a moment and it sure does make a huge difference in the rest of my day. I know that I can't afford not to do that.
I know it's hard to focus on school and all that you have to do - although it is also a blessing to have another focus.
You asked a good question - to talk about it with him or not. It's hard to say - which is why I think that this has to be "we" program and not a "me" program. We need one another to sort these things out along the way to making the best decision for ourselves. If someone is far down the continuum of relapse, talking won't make a lick of difference. If it's early, I've had success in the past saying..."hey, I've noticed these things going on, what are your thoughts/have you noticed anything?" I know that your intellect has an understanding of all of this. I also know, how difficult it really is when it's someone that you love and care about.
Just sending you thoughts and warm hugs...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Originally Posted by lightseeker
One thing that I didn't realize is that I was picking up on the signs of relapse.....relapse is a continuum that ultimately results in drug use unless the person turns back towards recovery. I think that I became VERY sensitive to that turn in direction to relapse.
I used to read the daily devotionals every day. I guess I thought that I didn't need it as much, or something. I became distracted with other things. I often am overwhelmed with everything that I have to do, so I stopped doing some of those things. I guess my codependency relapse is a sign that I need to spend more time doing things like that.
I am thankful for this site. It helps to talk to other people and I love all the stickies at the top of the page. I felt very upset by his words/actions, but I knew where to go for help.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
you go girl! Your instincts bring you to a place full of recovery and support. One of the reasons SR works so well for me is because the sign says "open 24/7". When I feel myself falter, my recovery falter I know where to head - even if it's just for a quick look see.
The time that I know that I need my recovery the most is when I get to thinking that I don't have time. That means that I've gotten way too busy for what sustains me. Once I committed to a partner with substance abuse issues I knew that I needed to commit also to my own work....else wise I knew that the whole experience could destroy me. I couldn't afford to get too busy.
I'm in school too - and working. I totally understand how it wraps you up.....Not to be too graphic but I keep my daily readers in the bathroom...when I get up in the morning and go pee I grab my book. I know, I know.....TMI. Who said that sharing ESH would always be pretty??? LOL. Ok ya'll....I know there might be some heads shaking right now - not believin that I would say that.
The time that I know that I need my recovery the most is when I get to thinking that I don't have time. That means that I've gotten way too busy for what sustains me. Once I committed to a partner with substance abuse issues I knew that I needed to commit also to my own work....else wise I knew that the whole experience could destroy me. I couldn't afford to get too busy.
I'm in school too - and working. I totally understand how it wraps you up.....Not to be too graphic but I keep my daily readers in the bathroom...when I get up in the morning and go pee I grab my book. I know, I know.....TMI. Who said that sharing ESH would always be pretty??? LOL. Ok ya'll....I know there might be some heads shaking right now - not believin that I would say that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Thank you for the encouragement.
I've been reading Codependent No More. It's about the 5th time, but is still a lot of help. I also started reading those daily devotionals again. I had gotten away from it.
I'm not sure what rabf is up to. I decided not to talk to him again. I was afraid I couldn't say anything without giving advice or trying to affect the outcome.
I still feel stressed about all this, but feel that I have been able to refocus some on myself.
I've been reading Codependent No More. It's about the 5th time, but is still a lot of help. I also started reading those daily devotionals again. I had gotten away from it.
I'm not sure what rabf is up to. I decided not to talk to him again. I was afraid I couldn't say anything without giving advice or trying to affect the outcome.
I still feel stressed about all this, but feel that I have been able to refocus some on myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I talked to him about it a little bit. I suggested that he find another psych doc. He told me he was too busy to do it yet. I said it was really important because what he did last week was a bad sign. He repeated that it was a one-time mistake. He said he was tempted due the dental surgery and that he knows he can't take any drugs. I also suggested he get back on his recovery program, and he said he was going to. So, I'm sure I've already said more than I should.
I probably shouldn't have said anything else. Codependent No More says that when you are compelled to say something is the time when you should be quiet. He is using the excuse that he diesn't have time, which is the same excuse I was using.
I probably shouldn't have said anything else. Codependent No More says that when you are compelled to say something is the time when you should be quiet. He is using the excuse that he diesn't have time, which is the same excuse I was using.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by cynical one
Instead of suggesting what he should or shouldn’t do, or try to control the outcome, have you thought about stating your boundaries, once, in a non-confrontational manner?
Bluebelle, I have been working hard on this exact thing with my own therapist. It may be easy for some, but I struggle with it. So, I am practicing what I need to say and I need to KNOW that I will follow through with it.
Also, it took a while for me to know that my "talk" is for me not him. My leaving will not be a motivator for him to stay clean. I have accepted that!! I will NOT ride the relapse, recovery roller coaster. I can't and I won't. Puts working on ME in a whole new perspective....for me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
