1tiredchick

Have finally heard from my AH and am very confused. He relapsed and left me 4 months ago. He wrote to me and said he is getting help and his doctor and counselor told him he should not have any contact with me. Then he suggested I get counseling too and that neither of us were any good to anyone unless we got help. Is it normal for a counselor to say that concerning a person's spouse? What should I think? Any advice would surely be appreciated as I know nothing about what happens in drug and alcohol counseling or how it works. Thanks to all.

BlueSkies1

I think counselors hear one-sided stories and jump to all kinds of conclusions. I suppose also, that if your AH thinks you need help too, then he doesn't have to feel like the lone man out on that aspect.

Only you can decide that you need counseling, same way as only the alcoholic can decide if he wants to get sober.
I suppose you can ask yourself a few questions--such as how crazy you feel inside, how out of control any part of your life was/is, and then if you feel comfortable go to counseling. Do you desire to?
As for me, without insurance, it really is too expensive of an option. If I had insurance, I would jump at the chance.
But that's just me, and you do whatever you think is best for you!

Is this a requirement for reconciliation with him? Do you want to reconcile with him?

Hypatia

I rarely take seriously anything that my AH says about me and my "problems". If I were to believe him, then it would be me about to go into an inpatient treatment program instead of him.

My suggestion would be to accept the request for no contact and not worry about whatever spin or excuse or reason is being used. You can't even be certain that the counsellor actually said that, so just shrug it off. Focus on the important part of the message, which is saying that you supposedly won't be hearing from him for a while and shouldn't worry about a lack of communication.

sarahbartok

Hi tired chick,
Do you think its possible they meant seeing a counsellor to support you with what's happening with AH, as opposed to you having issues. I could see how that might have some value, but its your call.
Sarah

Freedom1990

Alcoholism is a family disease. It affects everyone in the alcoholic's life.

I didn't understand why Alanon was suggested to me after I left my abusive EXAH. I "thought" I had solved the problem.

Although that marriage was toxic and separation/divorce was my best option, all the scars and pain from that marriage were still buried inside of me.

That "baggage" that I carted around for 11 more miserable years before I embraced Alanon and its principles influenced most of my decisions in a profound and unhealthy way.

Counseling is another good venue for healing the pain inside. Personally, I use both counseling and Alanon.

Sending you hugs of support!

RobbyRobot

I've worked as a counsellor in a residential rehab. When advice is given as you have described, it is a temporary recognition that the relationship between you and your husband is toxic to both of you on its face. This kind of advice, absolutely no contact, is not the normal advice given, but it can be useful in some limited and dire situations. I don't know all the facts of your experiences with your husband, and so can't comment on the recovery usefulness of the advice you have both been given, and apparently your husband has already accepted. Each case must be decided on its own merits.

Nonetheless, spousal relationships have a high order of importance, and so to create recovery situations which neglect the real importance is very risky, is my opinion. Even if this is the desired temporary outcome while in recovery, special care must be taken to absolutely compassionatley inform the other spouse in detail of what is what. It would seem this has not been done for you. I'm sorry for your troubles.

transformyself

Why do you believe him? Isn't it possible that he's lying, twisting the truth or telling only part of the story?

What are you doing to move forward with your life?

1tiredchick

RobbyRobot, thanks, and yes I would say that ours was a toxic and dire situation. He is also addicted to Rx pain meds, goes to AA and still drinks. He left me and 30 days later checked himself into a hospital somewhere and ended up in mental health counseling through the county. He has no job, is on unemployment, lives with his 89 yr old mother and knows he needs help badly. I was going to alanon before he left so he knows about codependency. I am just thinking since he is so messed up (beginnings of dementia) that they figured he better deal with one set of probs at a time and since we are not living together, and he is certainly not able to focus on a relationship, they think it's best to have no contact. Either that, or he has told them a bunch of horror stories about me, who of course is totally at fault for all his problems. Was just wondering if that sort of thing was a normal part of counseling. Thanks so much for your insight.