Fearful of no contact

Old 07-31-2012, 07:53 PM
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Fearful of no contact

I hAven't been on the boards in a while because I was embarrased that I was still trying to be supportive of my ex instead of going NC. I realize now that I have created a monster, and that no matter how much time I spend with him, it's never enough, and that he won't be satisfied until we're back in a relationship. He's so good at manipulating me that I thought that maybe we should go to counseling so that I can overcome my resistance to trusting and loving him again. Seriously?! I gave him plenty of chances, and even now, even though he "did what I wanted" and stopped drinking, he is still exhibiting addictive tendencies and controlling behavior, which i don't need in my life. He's also threatened a couple of times to go out drinking, and implies I would have driven him to it. Any time I end up doing something other than what I'd said I'd be doing, I'm a "liar" and being "a horrible person", when he says he knows how great I can be and how great we can be together, when we do all the things that we (as in I, while he was still an A, not an RA) wanted to do for our lives. Since I'm not living to my full potential as HE sees fit, then I'm not doing what I said I was going to do when I broke things off (i said i needed time to work on ME, but all he does is focus on the couple of times i've grabbed drinks with friends). Geez...just reading all of this makes me realize how much he's been able to twist my thoughts into making ME feel guilty.

Problem is, I'm very fearful of NC. When I didn't call him back Thurs night, I woke up at 5 am to him standing in my bedroom door. I keep forgetting to change the garage code, and apparently had left the garage door to the house unlocked. When I didn't call back Sunday while I was at the pool, he texted and called all day, and was waiting at the house when I got home. I pray every day that my house will sell soon and I can move and cut all ties (although my office will still be an issue). The police weren't helpful in the past because they said I needed an eviction notice. I don't want to live in constant fear, but I also don't want to keep trying to "play nice" because it's adding to my stress level, and I was recently diagnosed with a hormone imbalance.

I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to stay strong and go NC, and what others' experiences have been with the outrage of the RA. I was reading some last night about "dry drunks" and he totally fits the bill. Judgmental, self-righteous and manipulative. He has called 3 times in the time it has taken me to write this post.
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Old 07-31-2012, 08:21 PM
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Tell him you changed your mind, and want to end the relationship. period.

no long explanations needed. YOU change YOUR mind.
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Old 07-31-2012, 08:29 PM
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Oh bluebonnet, I am so sorry this has been a struggle for you, to the point of feeling embarrassed for continuing to try. I tried for a long time too. It's normal to want to keep trying, and sometimes it takes a while to reach the end of our own rope.

Why does ending things and cutting off all communication frighten you? And I mean beyond what you described above - all of which is easily and quickly fixable. For me, it was scary that it really was THE END. But like you, it took a few posts like yours and re-reading my own words for it all to hit home - how incredibly miserable I was with it all.

I've been "no contact" for several months now, and although I have quite the emotional up and down over it all, I am relieved and grateful to be DONE. I am ready to move forward with a new chapter, and no contact offers me the chance to heal without all the drama and hassle involved. Such a blessing!

Take good care,
~T
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Old 07-31-2012, 08:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Pelican View Post
Tell him you changed your mind, and want to end the relationship. period.

no long explanations needed. YOU change YOUR mind.
ITA with this suggestion.

I found these boards five years ago when I was trying to end the relationship with ExABF. Thanks to the wisdom of posters here who had gone through the same thing, I was able to tell him I was ending the relationship and establishing boundaries in the process...he was not to contact me. Of course, he tried...but I was firm...and that WAS the hardest part.

The A will always find fault with you and make you the reason for the A's behaviour. If you go NC, the A has to find another scapegoat/enabler. Freedom!

And yes, when I read your description of your ex as a RA, I thought "dry drunk".

Stay strong and make yourself the priority in your life.
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Old 08-01-2012, 01:32 AM
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Sometimes we are used to chaos/drama and to sadness and what we fear is not only change but a chance to be at peace, because it feels too foreign to us.

Been NC for over 3 years, it sucks at first but my life has improved in so many ways. We are running on borrowed time, why lose our life to people that are not worth it?

I wouldn't trade my silent, peaceful nights for anything in the world. Right now I am on SR, eating my sandwich, the cat next to me using me as her pillow. No more rambling drunks calling or knocking on the door. Priceless.
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Old 08-01-2012, 03:00 AM
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Mine was the same. If I saw him for lunch or talked to him on the phone, anything I did to offer him " support" was never enough. When I went nc he lost it and I ended up getting a restraining order. Looking back I wish I had done it months before.

And at the same time, I am embarrassed to admit I still feel the urge to know how he is.
I Pick up the phone then remind myself that nothing has changed

He is Still drinking, and that is not because of me.

He told me so many times that I didn't give him a chance. Truth is I gave him hundreds, and if u were to give him 101, he would blow that too.

Make changing your locks a priority. Get a notebook and write everything down.
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Old 08-01-2012, 05:37 AM
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I :

-blocked his number (he can no longer send me a text or call)
-blocked his email address (any and all emails he may attempt to send go straight into the cosmos.......I will never know and never see) lol
-have a plan if he calls my work (unfortunately I can not block calls from my work number) If he calls, I will pick up the phone and hang it up, and if that doesn't work, i will pick it up and hit "transfer 8-1234" which will send him straight to campus police/security

-sent a final email (yesterday) and informed him that I had changed the locks (my apartment) and had informed management about "the situation" and that they would be on the lookout for anything peculiar (letting him know that "if" he tries anything stupid, MANY people know about him)
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Old 08-01-2012, 07:02 AM
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
Sometimes we are used to chaos/drama and to sadness and what we fear is not only change but a chance to be at peace, because it feels too foreign to us.

Been NC for over 3 years, it sucks at first but my life has improved in so many ways. We are running on borrowed time, why lose our life to people that are not worth it?

I wouldn't trade my silent, peaceful nights for anything in the world. Right now I am on SR, eating my sandwich, the cat next to me using me as her pillow. No more rambling drunks calling or knocking on the door. Priceless.

thank you so much for posting this!!! I am looking forward to being at peace with "me"
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Old 08-01-2012, 08:30 AM
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What I see in women in general, including myself at times, is that they don't use a commanding voice with men. When we try to establish boundaries, we don't use the same "final, no discussion" attitude our parents used when putting down the law. I think women in general have a difficult time using this voice with men. We tend to issue our commands in a voice that says we expect them to be broken, or foresee such, too high of a pitch, or too frantic. We have to realize our power, and say things in that voice that is clearly seriously commanding, low and monotone that men use, with that tone that expresses we are sure those boundaries will not be crossed simply because we are in command of our own lives.
Just a thought about women and their method of expressing their boundaries.
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Old 08-01-2012, 08:49 AM
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If you are afraid of what he might do to you contact domestic abuse hotline and they will help you with a plan. I don't have personal experience with being afraid for my physical safety so can't advise but urge you to take that seriously.

If you are uneasy creating this boundary - that I have experience with. That feeling of unease and uncomfortableness with creating and establishing personal boundaries. It wasn't fear exactly but my body reacted with similar physical symptoms when I thought about creating those boundaries. Sometimes I still do.

This is one thing that helped me. Always remembering or reminding myself that feelings are not facts. I might feel uncomfortable but my logical brain tells me it is OK (right and good even) to create boundaries and take action to uphold them. Just because it feels 'bad' does not mean I should not do it. Sometimes my physical reactions (inner panic, turmoil, feelings of fear or doom) are based on very deeply held dysfunctional patterns not related to the issue at hand. I'm not sure I'm making sense. --- You have the right to end a relationship. You have the responsibility to take steps to protect your own best interests. It is OK to change your locks, codes, block numbers and emails, etc. Those things may cause a feeling of uncomfortableness or anxiety but use your logic. Your brain can tell you that these things are good and healthy for you to do. You are not hurting anyone, taking advantage of anyone, ignoring your own needs, or doing anything at all wrong. You are simply looking out for your best interests and protecting your boundaries. That is a good thing - a thing only you can really do.
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Old 08-05-2012, 07:51 PM
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Thank you everyone! I went out of town this weekend so I hadn't read all of the responses. He showed his true colors once again when We got disconnected due to spotty cell reception where i was for the weekend and he went off on me for "hanging up on him". My Stephen minister at church sent me some links on having a safety plan for when I'm ready to go NC, so those should be helpful as well. I appreciate all of the support!! (and for nobody judging that it's been hard to let go...)
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Old 08-06-2012, 04:32 AM
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I remember the guilt I felt the first time I ever broke up with a man. I felt as though I had to still be his friend, support him, and provide his happiness because he had no one else. << Read that last sentence again and tell me how it sounds coming from someone else.

The reality is, it was cruel:
Cruel of me to allow him to harbor some sort of hope for a romantic realtionship because of my guilt over hurting him.
Cruel of me to delay and draw out the inevitable break up instead of "ripping off the band-aid" and allowing us both to heal.
Cruel of me to put myself in the position of being responsible for someone else's happiness.

I hope that he will truly find his way out of the despair and anxiety in which he finds himself--but that is his battle alone.

You deserve every joy and happiness, bluebonnet, without the weight of this man's romantic expectations over you. And it does feel like a weight, right? It always did for me.
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Old 08-06-2012, 04:02 PM
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no contact easier said than done

Last night my AH came over to discuss how we are going to divide our assets. He has it in his mind that he will figure it out fairly and the 2 of us can do this without having to hire a lawyer.Me not so sure. Well when we finished with that. I brought up the subject of the car insurance. It is in my name and I want to separate the policy so if he has an accident or DUI they cannot come after me. He got pissed and said why do I want to do that and I said you know why. He says its always back to that and I am the one who would not compromise and let him drink. I gave him the ultimatum that it was the bottle or me and he chose the bottle. Made me feel very sad. Where is the guy I married we both have become very bitter but I am finally ready to move on and work on getting my life together. Sorry got very off topic. I truly need to have no contact as every he texts or calls my stomach gets in knots I shake and end up with a migraine no way to live. This is so hard for me after hiding it or so I thought for all these years. Thought if I tried hard enough we could work it out . I see myself in so many of these posts the best part is to know you are not alone and there are people who really understand
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Old 08-10-2012, 08:02 PM
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Hydro girl, I really like your band-aid analogy!! His biggest issue is that he feels like I'm being wishy-washy (although sometimes I think I'm being pretty straightforward and he is still wearing his rose-colored glasses). I think I was just clinging to the hope of a nice future that in reality never will and never should be with him. More things happened this week that helped seal the deal, although until my house sells, I know I won't be free of him. A least I'm only 2 weeks awAy from being able to file a trespassing notice.
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