fading echoes
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
fading echoes
I have been dealing with a fair amount of some anxiety and loneliness lately.
A. Even though my ex kept disappearing to use crack...there was still plenty of time that he was around. I like having someone else in my life, I like sharing the small moments of life. I like the warmth and affection of connection with someone else. I liked having the strength of sharing at least a little of life's burden with someone else...even though it was sporadic and riddled with difficulty.
B. I made the hard decision to walk away from my ex. I would not have made the decision had he not kept "deciding" to use.
C. After over 5 months of the final walk away I decided to go on an online dating service. It's not as though I have had huge success. I had a nice walk with someone, and just the thought of preparing to meet, and the flirtation and fun that went along with it was kind of enjoyable...I thought maybe it would also help me to move on. I also am trying to take care of myself, to acknowledge my sense of loneliness and be proactive about maybe dating.
D. I have been realizing that my own self acknowledged "faults" or "cards that I have to put on the table" for someone potentially new in my life are part of my own self esteem. I realize that these cards are part of the decisions I make in who to date. When I met my ex I was willing to accept his own past and his desire to move forward as part of the "deal"...but I believed in recovery and thought we would both move forward together. He just kept "relapsing".
E. This morning I get a message from him reproaching me for being on a dating site...he said he had seen me there before we dated and decided to see if I was on there...and that he felt nauseated and that I "should never contact him again".
This just adds to my sadness, anxiety and self esteem. Now he thinks that he can reproach me, that he can pretend as though he would have waited (???) that he was more committed to the future possibility of us???
We have been no contact for two months (before that it was a bare minimum) and it is over five months since he rolled out of bed with me to go use.
Now he contacts me to say "don't contact me".
Just had to put it out there.
The after effects still lingering.
Processing here helps...
A. Even though my ex kept disappearing to use crack...there was still plenty of time that he was around. I like having someone else in my life, I like sharing the small moments of life. I like the warmth and affection of connection with someone else. I liked having the strength of sharing at least a little of life's burden with someone else...even though it was sporadic and riddled with difficulty.
B. I made the hard decision to walk away from my ex. I would not have made the decision had he not kept "deciding" to use.
C. After over 5 months of the final walk away I decided to go on an online dating service. It's not as though I have had huge success. I had a nice walk with someone, and just the thought of preparing to meet, and the flirtation and fun that went along with it was kind of enjoyable...I thought maybe it would also help me to move on. I also am trying to take care of myself, to acknowledge my sense of loneliness and be proactive about maybe dating.
D. I have been realizing that my own self acknowledged "faults" or "cards that I have to put on the table" for someone potentially new in my life are part of my own self esteem. I realize that these cards are part of the decisions I make in who to date. When I met my ex I was willing to accept his own past and his desire to move forward as part of the "deal"...but I believed in recovery and thought we would both move forward together. He just kept "relapsing".
E. This morning I get a message from him reproaching me for being on a dating site...he said he had seen me there before we dated and decided to see if I was on there...and that he felt nauseated and that I "should never contact him again".
This just adds to my sadness, anxiety and self esteem. Now he thinks that he can reproach me, that he can pretend as though he would have waited (???) that he was more committed to the future possibility of us???
We have been no contact for two months (before that it was a bare minimum) and it is over five months since he rolled out of bed with me to go use.
Now he contacts me to say "don't contact me".
Just had to put it out there.
The after effects still lingering.
Processing here helps...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: minnesota
Posts: 272
one of the most thought provoking quotes i have read lately is "we accept the love we think we deserve" it made me really take a look at myself, and it really explained my past. one of the best thing i have done lately - besides get sober - is to work on my self esteem and self confidence. theres a lot of resources and maybe you can find some that will help you. i work on it daily and i know what you are feeling. humbleness is overrated jk : ) God bless and i hope you find peace.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
It's amazing how words can hurt.
I've read your posts for the last few months and you have so much wisdom to share. Please don't let his jealousy (because that's what it is) stop you from moving forward in your life. He's using the G (guilt) and it's working.....he's already got you taking a couple of steps backward when you had such a wonderful forward trajectory going. Those addicts......whooooooo boy........are they ever good at that and we are so good at giving them that power over us.
You are a bright, independent, loving, beautiful woman and you deserve a life to be shared with a partner who respects and reflects those wonderful qualities--not someone who wants to snuff them out to make themselves feel better.
He hurts and he wants you to hurt.....and he succeeded.....if you let him.
gentle hugs
ke
I've read your posts for the last few months and you have so much wisdom to share. Please don't let his jealousy (because that's what it is) stop you from moving forward in your life. He's using the G (guilt) and it's working.....he's already got you taking a couple of steps backward when you had such a wonderful forward trajectory going. Those addicts......whooooooo boy........are they ever good at that and we are so good at giving them that power over us.
You are a bright, independent, loving, beautiful woman and you deserve a life to be shared with a partner who respects and reflects those wonderful qualities--not someone who wants to snuff them out to make themselves feel better.
Now he contacts me to say "don't contact me".
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Georgia
Posts: 43
He doesn't OWN you. You aren't HIS property. What he has done is STALK you and attempt to use your own good nature to emotionally MANIPULATE you. You were the best thing to EVER happen to him and he's obviously so miserable of a creature he has to try and HURT you in a sad and futile attempt to CONTROL you.
YOU know what you've been through and YOU know there's no betrayal on your part. HE has betrayed HIMSELF and YOU and EVERYONE that gives two s***s about him.
I mean, how DARE you want to be HAPPY in this ONE LIFE to live? Am I right? I mean jeez...the nerve of some people to not want to be dragged through s***... (I'm kidding about all of this btw in case that doesn't read
)
I told my AB once, "I didn't make this bed, I just laid in it until it no longer had room for me."
That's what addiction does. It doesn't leave ROOM for ANYTHING else. You did EVERYTHING you could and probably more if you're anything like me. All addicts want is to HAVE their cake and EAT it to. Well I like cake and I'm going to eat my OWN freaking piece if that's okay with you Mr. silly addict!
He's probably a MEMBER of the dating site and was WORRIED YOU'D BEAT HIM TO THE BLAME GAME if YOU saw HIM on there. Don't let this guy get to you. You've been SO strong and this is all part of his game.
If it helps, get mad. That's what I do. It helps my resolve. Sometimes I s*** talk my AB in my head and it helps clear out the depression and sadness and I remember all the s***y he77 he's put me through and I marvel at how I ever cultivated concern or compassion (let alone LOVE) for him in the first place. I can be VERY eloquent with s*** talking. If you'd like some colorful phrases I'd be happy to pass them along.
You deserve wonderful walks and the excitement of MOVING FORWARD in your life. We are far too complex of creatures to be defined by one sad lost soul we had the capacity to allow into our lives.
I'm proud of you for getting yourself out there. It's scarier to move on than to stay. Don't let his evil words get to you.
I would've texted him back ONCE in response to his "don't contact me"...I would've said, "m'dear the thought NEVER ONCE crossed my mind so please do me a solid and go f*** yourself"
And then I would NEVER reply to or contact him again. EVER.
I wish you the best. Keep posting!
*hugs*
YOU know what you've been through and YOU know there's no betrayal on your part. HE has betrayed HIMSELF and YOU and EVERYONE that gives two s***s about him.
I mean, how DARE you want to be HAPPY in this ONE LIFE to live? Am I right? I mean jeez...the nerve of some people to not want to be dragged through s***... (I'm kidding about all of this btw in case that doesn't read
)I told my AB once, "I didn't make this bed, I just laid in it until it no longer had room for me."
That's what addiction does. It doesn't leave ROOM for ANYTHING else. You did EVERYTHING you could and probably more if you're anything like me. All addicts want is to HAVE their cake and EAT it to. Well I like cake and I'm going to eat my OWN freaking piece if that's okay with you Mr. silly addict!
He's probably a MEMBER of the dating site and was WORRIED YOU'D BEAT HIM TO THE BLAME GAME if YOU saw HIM on there. Don't let this guy get to you. You've been SO strong and this is all part of his game.
If it helps, get mad. That's what I do. It helps my resolve. Sometimes I s*** talk my AB in my head and it helps clear out the depression and sadness and I remember all the s***y he77 he's put me through and I marvel at how I ever cultivated concern or compassion (let alone LOVE) for him in the first place. I can be VERY eloquent with s*** talking. If you'd like some colorful phrases I'd be happy to pass them along.
You deserve wonderful walks and the excitement of MOVING FORWARD in your life. We are far too complex of creatures to be defined by one sad lost soul we had the capacity to allow into our lives.
I'm proud of you for getting yourself out there. It's scarier to move on than to stay. Don't let his evil words get to you.
I would've texted him back ONCE in response to his "don't contact me"...I would've said, "m'dear the thought NEVER ONCE crossed my mind so please do me a solid and go f*** yourself"
And then I would NEVER reply to or contact him again. EVER.
I wish you the best. Keep posting!
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I liked the title of your post....fading echoes. Yes...that is exactly what they are. Two steps forward, one step back. I keep thinking that I've moved forward and then my vulnerability is triggered.
I left my husband 14 months ago and definitely understand how you feel. I've realized that I am just too vulnerable to "date" right now. I'm finding that companionship can come in many forms and for now I'm seeking it in friends. I've realized that I could handle dating if it all goes well but not if it doesn't. Just too big of a risk for me right now.
I'm tired of feeling lonely and lost. But I also realize that when I choose to make a major life change that there are going to be some rough waves until I truly get out to sea.
It's amazing how they can pop up in the strangest places and strangest times to remind us that we still have areas to work on as we move towards a healthier place.
I'm glad that you posted this and I agree - it helps to process it and get it out there....
I left my husband 14 months ago and definitely understand how you feel. I've realized that I am just too vulnerable to "date" right now. I'm finding that companionship can come in many forms and for now I'm seeking it in friends. I've realized that I could handle dating if it all goes well but not if it doesn't. Just too big of a risk for me right now.
I'm tired of feeling lonely and lost. But I also realize that when I choose to make a major life change that there are going to be some rough waves until I truly get out to sea.
It's amazing how they can pop up in the strangest places and strangest times to remind us that we still have areas to work on as we move towards a healthier place.
I'm glad that you posted this and I agree - it helps to process it and get it out there....
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
thanks for the replies all...sometimes you need a little help with the burden.
I went out for a walk to do my usual meditation. I thought about the ways that...in a codependent/addict relationship the faith, love and E,S & H (of my own recovery in AA) gets manipulated and twisted. I became a "distraction" for his recovery. I get it all straight in my mind/spirit and feel resolved...
then I came home to messages of amends/apologies/well wishes/his taking responsibility etc. It's his sweetest form of psycho/recovery speak. And then he sends me on my way with wishes that "I find that person I'm looking for". It just re-wounds, re-creates doubt, re-minds me of his better half...
and THEN I come here, and I get reminded, and assured, and en-courage-d
thank you for all of your words.
I do, fortunately, have circles of community and am involved with service...
it's the nightly dinner table, the empty canoe, too much room on the couch with a movie, the solo gardening...
I guess that list is just part of my self pity, and I need to remember the cost there was that accompanied his company...
I went out for a walk to do my usual meditation. I thought about the ways that...in a codependent/addict relationship the faith, love and E,S & H (of my own recovery in AA) gets manipulated and twisted. I became a "distraction" for his recovery. I get it all straight in my mind/spirit and feel resolved...
then I came home to messages of amends/apologies/well wishes/his taking responsibility etc. It's his sweetest form of psycho/recovery speak. And then he sends me on my way with wishes that "I find that person I'm looking for". It just re-wounds, re-creates doubt, re-minds me of his better half...
and THEN I come here, and I get reminded, and assured, and en-courage-d
thank you for all of your words.
I do, fortunately, have circles of community and am involved with service...
it's the nightly dinner table, the empty canoe, too much room on the couch with a movie, the solo gardening...
I guess that list is just part of my self pity, and I need to remember the cost there was that accompanied his company...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
this is about me...definitely. I think maybe others can learn from my admission to this as well...
this is the 4th serious relationship that I have walked away from. when I met G it was "reunion" style as in we knew each other 30 yrs ago and so he, as an addict, had the added benefit of me projecting his past on his present...I created part of the smokescreen with my visage of the guy I used to know...and there was going to be A LOT I had to learn
fast forward to NOW...what I will admit is this: that I DO have low self esteem. I was unliked and neglected as a child...the place I found love was with my father by navigating his dangerous rage (a place no one else wanted to go...) and then I found sex very young, as a sensation of love...so became promiscuous. then there was teen pregnancy, STD and abortion...all manifestations of my own desperate searching for love...
I can OWN that now. when I met G I knew his past and I knew my own. I thought I could make a deal...put my cards on the table and we could both move forward toward recovery and love.
yes, this was the 4th "serious" relationship in my life...all were the sort of "dangerous navigation"...this was the first time I was with an addict and I had A LOT to learn before I could let go of all my "desperate hope"
what I have come to learn is to love myself more, much more.
but I will admit that I still feel as though I have the cards that I have been dealt.
I still feel as though I cannot really expect "excellence"
and after each time of these four relationships there have been times when I felt as though I had expected too much and was therefor left with "nothing"
at least...even with a crack addict...I had romantic dates, affection, he encouraged my endeavors...etc. I know this sounds SICK. I know it...
but sometimes I feel that at my age (the statistics are seriously harsh) and with the cards I hold...that my expectations need to be humbled. that is why I stuck it out so long and held onto hope like a life preserver...I hoped he would recover so that we could keep our relationship
and now that I have altered my hope I feel as though I may have to just accept my lot...that if I maintain standards that I have LEARNED that I will remain single...it's just kind of lonely.
maybe as someone said I need some self esteem classes. it kind of feels like just normal stuff...but I look around at all my single friends, or the people I know in relationships that don't interest me...and I just feel like I should throw in the towel...then he comes back with his dr. jekyll half that was so completely and totally attractive in the first place. (just the super enhanced manipulative charm of an addict)
again...NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT.
yes...even that little bit of dr jekyll contact appeals somehow to my lonely heart...which I am responsible to protect and care for and love.
this is the 4th serious relationship that I have walked away from. when I met G it was "reunion" style as in we knew each other 30 yrs ago and so he, as an addict, had the added benefit of me projecting his past on his present...I created part of the smokescreen with my visage of the guy I used to know...and there was going to be A LOT I had to learn
fast forward to NOW...what I will admit is this: that I DO have low self esteem. I was unliked and neglected as a child...the place I found love was with my father by navigating his dangerous rage (a place no one else wanted to go...) and then I found sex very young, as a sensation of love...so became promiscuous. then there was teen pregnancy, STD and abortion...all manifestations of my own desperate searching for love...
I can OWN that now. when I met G I knew his past and I knew my own. I thought I could make a deal...put my cards on the table and we could both move forward toward recovery and love.
yes, this was the 4th "serious" relationship in my life...all were the sort of "dangerous navigation"...this was the first time I was with an addict and I had A LOT to learn before I could let go of all my "desperate hope"
what I have come to learn is to love myself more, much more.
but I will admit that I still feel as though I have the cards that I have been dealt.
I still feel as though I cannot really expect "excellence"
and after each time of these four relationships there have been times when I felt as though I had expected too much and was therefor left with "nothing"
at least...even with a crack addict...I had romantic dates, affection, he encouraged my endeavors...etc. I know this sounds SICK. I know it...
but sometimes I feel that at my age (the statistics are seriously harsh) and with the cards I hold...that my expectations need to be humbled. that is why I stuck it out so long and held onto hope like a life preserver...I hoped he would recover so that we could keep our relationship
and now that I have altered my hope I feel as though I may have to just accept my lot...that if I maintain standards that I have LEARNED that I will remain single...it's just kind of lonely.
maybe as someone said I need some self esteem classes. it kind of feels like just normal stuff...but I look around at all my single friends, or the people I know in relationships that don't interest me...and I just feel like I should throw in the towel...then he comes back with his dr. jekyll half that was so completely and totally attractive in the first place. (just the super enhanced manipulative charm of an addict)
again...NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT.
yes...even that little bit of dr jekyll contact appeals somehow to my lonely heart...which I am responsible to protect and care for and love.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
leslie, I can relate to a lot of what your saying I get lonely and have considered dating but I feel unworthy I feel as I am not good enough for anyone. The truth is we both are incredibly strong women and we deserve good things in life no matter our past.
My self esteem is so shattered I have doubt crazy glue could even start and fix it.
I also was promiscuous when I was a teenager my father was rarely around for his visitation and I watched my mother drag in man after man. I suppose at that young age I thought that was how I was suppose to do.
You always give me so much wise advice I really have none to give just thought I would share your not alone in your feelings although somewhat different they are similar.
My self esteem is so shattered I have doubt crazy glue could even start and fix it.
I also was promiscuous when I was a teenager my father was rarely around for his visitation and I watched my mother drag in man after man. I suppose at that young age I thought that was how I was suppose to do.
You always give me so much wise advice I really have none to give just thought I would share your not alone in your feelings although somewhat different they are similar.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I think that sometimes, having these old underlying issues, when people would tell me early on that "I deserved better" I just didn't believe them.
Because of my past and my own imperfections and weaknesses I felt/feel like "damaged goods". That I had to make the "bargain".
What I am slowly coming to accept is that my past can become my history rather than my path-ology. I don't need to continue on a painful path for retribution. As a recovering co-dependent/alcoholic/adult child I need to focus my faith and hope in the belief that I will continue to feel love in my life. Discovering a deeper love for myself is the greatest gift of recovery from this codependent ride.
I still don't know that I "deserve better" and I am leagues away from believing that I "deserve excellence" but I do know, have fully come to believe that I do NOT deserve manipulation and lies and blame...and that is what comes with the addict.
I guess that is progress, and well...sometimes in recovery we trudge on the road toward happy destiny. And maybe I have to give up my attraction to the attractive, charming, charismatic bad boys...and give up the idea that I have to accept unfavorable dangerous conditions to counter balance my own defects...those conditions were the pathology of my past, which I now am trying to humbly accept as my history and stop repeating it.
Because of my past and my own imperfections and weaknesses I felt/feel like "damaged goods". That I had to make the "bargain".
What I am slowly coming to accept is that my past can become my history rather than my path-ology. I don't need to continue on a painful path for retribution. As a recovering co-dependent/alcoholic/adult child I need to focus my faith and hope in the belief that I will continue to feel love in my life. Discovering a deeper love for myself is the greatest gift of recovery from this codependent ride.
I still don't know that I "deserve better" and I am leagues away from believing that I "deserve excellence" but I do know, have fully come to believe that I do NOT deserve manipulation and lies and blame...and that is what comes with the addict.
I guess that is progress, and well...sometimes in recovery we trudge on the road toward happy destiny. And maybe I have to give up my attraction to the attractive, charming, charismatic bad boys...and give up the idea that I have to accept unfavorable dangerous conditions to counter balance my own defects...those conditions were the pathology of my past, which I now am trying to humbly accept as my history and stop repeating it.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
and that he felt nauseated and that I "should never contact him again"
Makes no sense. You are SUPPOSED to move forward and find great people to be in your life. Chin up!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
The after effects still lingering.
Two weeks after my AXGF pulled what she pulled, she stopped by my house while I was at work to return the ring and her housekey, putting both on a single string and hanging it from the knocker on my door. It was her final cruel act. Once one of my buddies came over, we went outside where I dropped the ring into a sewer.
Hearing a relative stranger speak ill of my AXGF was interesting, and it brought back a lot of echoes, none of them pleasant. But, as you alluded to, they fade over time. They still have the power to sting, but it is what it is and we just go forward as best we can.
Now he contacts me to say "don't contact me".
ZoSo
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I only know you from here, but you are one of the kindest, wisest, got-your-head-together people I know and I have absolutely no doubt that a healthy wonderful relationship awaits you once you finish working through this and healing. Sick attracts sick and healthy attracts healthy...and you have become wiser and heathier with every day here.
If this little girl can find her self-esteem, so will you.
Hugs and Hugs
If this little girl can find her self-esteem, so will you.
Hugs and Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 160
The comment about the fourth 'serious relationship' was just making me think of this... Our first 'serious relationship' needs to be with ourselves.
It sounds to me like you have really be digging deep and trying hard to face up to yourself, leslie, so pats on the back for you.
As for him, it reminds me of a kid in the schoolyard coming up to say 'I'm not talking to you'. I can see pretty clearly which one of you is on a road to recovery and which one is still going in circles.
thanks for sharing and keep up the good work! hugs!
It sounds to me like you have really be digging deep and trying hard to face up to yourself, leslie, so pats on the back for you.
As for him, it reminds me of a kid in the schoolyard coming up to say 'I'm not talking to you'. I can see pretty clearly which one of you is on a road to recovery and which one is still going in circles.
thanks for sharing and keep up the good work! hugs!
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Join Date: Jun 2002
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Hahahaha! I like that post. I like this board. I like all of you. I like air conditioning. I like chocolate. I like photography. I like lots of stuff and WE can do anything! Thanks, Ann.
Leslie, I don't have to tell you there are worse things than being alone. Having someone constantly berate you and manipulate you is one of them. As far as your past, I always like to think it doesn't matter where we've been. It matters where we are going. I believe you, my dear, are going places - good places. Believe!
Leslie, I don't have to tell you there are worse things than being alone. Having someone constantly berate you and manipulate you is one of them. As far as your past, I always like to think it doesn't matter where we've been. It matters where we are going. I believe you, my dear, are going places - good places. Believe!
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